We Are the Boat in Troubled Waters

We Are the Boat in Troubled Waters!

Estimated reading time: 1 minute, 21 seconds

Reading When I’m Gone, Look for Me in the East by Quan Barry; I was challenged to think about my grief journey and my ongoing mensh-in-training work.

There are more days than I am willing to admit when I had no hope.

Losing Jan unmoored me, and I have, at times, drifted aimlessly.

Hope is the cornerstone of life and the key to being self-reliant.

Ms. Quan‘s narrator, the young monk Chuluun, says early in the novel,

When the only hope is a boat and there is no boat, I will be the boat.

Many, especially Rabbi Renee, has been the boat for me.

When I did not know what to do or how to remember Jan, my Rabbi and other friends helped me traverse the troubled waters.

At the end of the book, Chuluun is making his final vows and says,

When the only hope is a boat and there is no boat, we will be the boat.

Can I be a boat for others? Am I the boat for my grief groups?

These questions cannot be answered today as I continue my mensh-in-training studies.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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When I'm Gone, Look for Me in the East

When I'm Gone, Look for Me in the East

When I'm Gone, Look for Me in the East by Quan Barry is a luminous novel that moves across a windswept Mongolia as a pair of estranged twin brothers make a journey of duty, conflict, and renewed understanding. Since Jan died, I have been sharing her love and not looking for her, so this novel attracted me as it was a counter-narrative. Are our lives our own, or do we belong to something more significant?

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When I'm Gone, Look for Me in the East

Read: January 2023

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When I’m Gone, Look for Me in the East

by Quan Barry

When I’m Gone, Look for Me in the East by Quan Barry is a luminous novel that moves across a windswept Mongolia as a pair of estranged twin brothers make a journey of duty, conflict, and renewed understanding. Since Jan died, I have been sharing her love and not looking for her, so this novel attracted me as it was a counter-narrative. Are our lives our own, or do we belong to something more significant?

When I’m Gone, Look for Me in the East is a stunningly far-flung examination of our struggle to retain our convictions and discover meaning in a fast-changing world, as well as a meditation on accepting what is.

Although I know only a limited amount about Buddhism and even less about Mongolia, I found When I’m Gone, Look for Me in the East a fascinating page-turner of a novel.

Coincidently, while en route to see Memorial, we stopped to eat at a Mexican-Peruvian restaurant on Tenth Avenue in NYC. On the television was a continuous loop of a travelogue on Mongolia.

I found several quotes that I have used in other posts already.

  • “Sometimes faith is the only medicine available.”
  • “When the only hope is a boat and there is no boat, I will be the boat.”

I plan to use others in future posts.

Love never dies, and this quote echoed my belief.

“Love is neither created nor destroyed. It exists at all times and in all dimensions. Love is not something we create—it is something that wells up in us, like sap in a tree. It is an element in the fabric of the universe. Even on that distant day when sentient beings no longer exist, Love carries on. Perhaps our personal relationship to Love is impermanent, but Love itself is not.”

I highly recommend When I’m Gone, Look for Me in the East.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Tasked with finding the reincarnation of a great lama somewhere in the vast Mongolian landscape, the young monk Chuluun seeks the help of his identical twin, Mun, who was recognized as a reincarnation himself as a child but has since renounced their once shared monastic life.

Harking back to her vivid and magical first novel set in Vietnam, Quan Barry carries us across a landscape as unforgiving as it is beautiful and culturally varied, from the stark Gobi Desert to the ancient capital of Chinggis Khan. As their country stretches before them, questions of the immortal soul, along with more earthly matters of love, sex, and brotherhood, haunt the twins, who can hear each other’s thoughts.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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We Are the Boat in Troubled Waters
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Lake Effect

Read: March 2026

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Lake Effect: A Novel

by Cynthia D'Aprix Sweeney

Cynthia D’Aprix Sweeney‘s Lake Effect is a wry and tender portrait of two families forever changed by one impulsive decision that will reverberate for decades. Written with Cynthia D’Aprix Sweeney‘s signature humor and insight, Lake Effect offers a wise and probing exploration of love and desire, the relationships between mothers and daughters, loss and grief, and what we owe to the people we love most.

It’s 1977, and an air of restlessness hangs over the residents of Cambridge Road in Rochester, New York—a community long influenced by the booming fortunes of Kodak and Xerox, and for some, the traditions of the Catholic church. When Nina Larkin receives a copy of *The Joy of Sex* from her newly divorced friend, she can no longer ignore the lack of intimacy in her marriage.

Just as her oldest child, Clara, is experiencing her first love, Nina finds herself yearning for something forbidden: a midlife awakening. An intoxicating affair with a prominent neighbor introduces Nina to a freedom she never thought possible. Still, it also jeopardizes the reputations of both families and upends Clara’s world as she stands on the brink of adulthood.

Years later, Clara, now a successful food stylist in New York City, has never fully escaped the shadow of the childhood scandal. Drawn back home by the pull of a family wedding and grappling with her own challenges, she makes a pivotal decision that turns her life upside down.


Cynthia D’Aprix Sweeney is the author of the bestselling novels “The Nest,” which became an instant New York Times bestseller and was named one of the best books of the year by People, the Washington Post, and NPR, as well as “Good Company,” a selection for Read with Jenna. She has appeared as a guest on shows like Today, Late Night with Seth Meyers, and NPR’s All Things Considered. Her works have been translated into more than twenty-eight languages, and “The Nest” is currently in development as a limited series with AMC Studios.

Ms. Sweeney holds an MFA from the Bennington Writing Seminars and lives in New York City with her husband.



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A Gentleman in Moscow

Read: November 2022

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A Gentleman in Moscow

by Amor Towles

A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles is a transporting novel about a man sentenced by the government to spend the rest of his life inside a luxury hotel. In 1922, a Bolshevik tribunal deemed Count Alexander Rostov an unrepentant aristocrat. His house arrest in the Metropol, a grand hotel across the street from the Kremlin. Rostov, an indomitable man of erudition and wit, has never worked a day and must now live in an attic room while some of the most tumultuous decades in Russian history are unfolding outside the hotel’s doors.

During my grief journey, I have on occasion felt as if I was a prisoner in my apartment, so I found this novel to be one that provided me an alternative to understanding what it would have been like to be under house arrest as Count Rostov was.

A Gentleman in Moscow was a page-turner. The plot captures a unique historical time and how Count Rostov makes the best of a bad situation. I highly recommend this novel.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

With his breakout debut novel, Rules of Civility, Amor Towles established himself as a master of absorbing, sophisticated fiction, bringing late 1930s Manhattan to life with a splendid atmosphere and an excellent command of style. As NPR commented, readers and critics were enchanted, “Towles writes with grace and verve about the mores and manners of a society on the cusp of radical change.”

A Gentleman in Moscow immerses us in another elegantly drawn era with the story of Count Alexander Rostov. When, in 1922, he is deemed an unrepentant aristocrat by a Bolshevik tribunal, the count is sentenced to house arrest in the Metropol, a grand hotel across the street from the Kremlin. Rostov, an indomitable man of erudition and wit, has never worked a day. He must now live in an attic room while some of the most tumultuous decades in Russian history are unfolding outside the hotel’s doors. Unexpectedly, his reduced circumstances provide him a doorway into a much larger world of emotional discovery.

Brimming with humor, a glittering cast of characters, and one beautifully rendered scene after another, this singular novel casts a spell as it relates to the count’s endeavor to gain a deeper understanding of what it means to be a man of purpose.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Mercury: A Novel

Read: January 2024

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Mercury: A Novel

by Amy Jo Burns

Today, I started reading Mercury: A Novel about a roofing family. The family’s bond of loyalty is tested when they uncover a long-hidden secret at the heart of their blue-collar town. The book is written by Amy Jo Burns, the author of the critically acclaimed novel Shiner, which I read and enjoyed in 2022. I highly recommend it.

The story is set in 1990, and it follows the journey of a seventeen-year-old girl named Marley West, who arrives in the river valley town of Mercury, Pennsylvania. She is a loner who is looking for a place to belong. The first thing she sees when she gets to town is three men standing on a rooftop, and they soon become her whole world.

Marley becomes a young wife to one of the Joseph brothers, The One Who Got Away to another, and an adopted mother to all of them. Marley guides these unruly men as their mother fades away and their roofing business crumbles under the weight of their unwieldy father’s inflated ego. Years later, an eerie discovery in the church attic causes old wounds to resurface, and suddenly, the family’s survival hangs in the balance.

With Marley as their guide, the Joseph brothers must decide whether they can save the family they’ve always known or build something more substantial in its place.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Regarding gifts made this month, I will match dollar for dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow: A Novel

Read: July 2024

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Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow: A Novel

by Gabrielle Zevin

I delved into the pages of “Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow: A Novel” by Gabrielle Zevin. The narrative unfolds the lives of Sam and Sadie, two college friends who evolve into creative partners in video game design. Their journey is a tapestry of fame, joy, tragedy, duplicity, and a form of immortality, all woven into a unique love story that captivated me like no other.

This love story uniquely portrays the challenges and triumphs of a relationship in the context of their shared creative endeavors.

On a bitter-cold day in December of his junior year at Harvard, Sam Masur exits a subway car and sees Sadie Green amid the hordes of people waiting on the platform. He calls her name. For a moment, she pretends she hasn’t heard him, but then, she turns, and a game begins: a legendary collaboration that will launch them to stardom.

These friends, who have been close since childhood, take bold steps, borrow money, and seek favors. Even before they graduate from college, they have birthed their first blockbuster, Ichigo. In a blink, the world is at their feet. Sam and Sadie, not yet twenty-five, are shining with brilliance, success, and wealth. But these attributes can’t shield them from their emotional rollercoaster of creative aspirations and the heartbreaks that come with it.

Spanning thirty years, from Cambridge, Massachusetts, to Venice Beach, California, and lands in between and far beyond, Gabrielle Zevin‘s Tomorrow, Tomorrow, and Tomorrow provides a profound exploration of the diverse nature of identity, disability, failure, the redemptive possibilities in play, and above all, our deep-seated need to connect: to be loved and to love. It’s a journey that will make you reflect on your life and relationships.



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Vulture: A Novel

Read: September 2025

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Vulture: A Novel

by Phoebe Greenwood

Phoebe Greenwood‘s debut novel, Vulture, immerses readers in the dark heart of Western media and boldly questions its role in the tragedies it reports. This darkly humorous and emotionally charged satire exposes the inner workings of the war news industry. Set in the Middle East, Vulture is a fast-paced critique of war reporting, blending elements of satire with a tragicomic coming-of-age story.

In November 2012, Sara Byrne, an ambitious young journalist, is sent to Gaza to cover the war from The Beach. At the four-star hotel, the staff work tirelessly to provide safety, comfort, and generator-powered internet for the world’s media, all while their own homes and families are under threat.

Sara is determined to use this war to jumpstart her stalled career and win back her lover. When her fixer, Nasser, refuses to help her set up the dangerous story she believes will make her name, she turns to Fadi, the youngest member of a powerful militant family. Driven by the demons of a troubled and entitled childhood, Sara is willing to do anything to prove herself, even if it brings disaster to those around her.


Phoebe Greenwood is a writer and journalist based in London. From 2010 to 2013, she worked as a freelance correspondent in Jerusalem, covering the Middle East for publications such as The Guardian, The Daily Telegraph, and The Sunday Times. From 2013 to 2021, she served as an editor and correspondent at The Guardian, specializing in foreign affairs.



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The Ferryman: A Novel

Read: May 2023

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The Ferryman: A Novel

by Justin Cronin

The novel, “The Ferryman,” by Justin Cronin, is set in the beautiful archipelago of Prospera. People lead long and fulfilling lives in this society until their forearm monitors drop below 10%. Then, they retire to the Nursery. Their memories are wiped clean, and they start a new life as sixteen-year-olds.

Although the book was recently published, I hesitated to read it due to the unsettling notion of having my memories wiped clean. However, my curiosity got the best of me, and I’m glad it did. Proctor Bennett, the protagonist, works as a ferryman, assisting people through retirement. But things worsen when Proctor starts dreaming, which is impossible in Prospera, and his monitor percentage rapidly decreases. Are these dreams fragments of a past that they cannot recall?

Amidst all this, rumors about the Arrivalists, who oppose the societal structure, and even the Support Staff, who keep Prospera functioning, are questioning their roles. Proctor finds himself caught up in a more significant cause than expected and sets out to uncover the truth.

Without giving away too much, things are not always what they seem in Prospera.

As a widow, I found this line particularly poignant: “That loss was love’s accounting, its unit of measure, as a foot was made of inches, a yard was made of feet.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book; it kept me engaged and excited, and my Kindle was my go-to device for reading it. I highly recommend this novel.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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