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You’ve Got Friends!

Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 42 seconds
Carole King

Carole King

Beautiful the 
Carole King Musical

As we raced into the darkness below the Hudson, I held her hand and kissed her lightly on her lips. We had planned this weekend trip before knowing Jan had blood cancer, and that news was still the elephant in the room.

Two years ago today, we made this weekend excursion to New York. When we planned the trip, all we were concerned about was recovery from the first cataract surgery, and now we knew that the love of my life also had blood cancer.

My fears were minor compared to those she was bottling up inside her. We knew our journey of love was entering a new epoch, but neither of us knew what the future held for us. All we knew for sure was that our love would grow stronger despite our challenges.

We had reserved a room at a Marriott on 41st and Fifth Avenue by the main library and Bryant Park. Leaving Penn Station, we took a cab to the hotel as the walk would be too much for her. Jan’s eyes were wide open as she looked at the city we both loved.

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Since it opened, Jan had wanted to see the Beautiful the Carole King Musical. Life had consumed our time and delayed our plans to see the musical, and now we had tickets in the orchestra for one of the last performances. 

Carole King Tapestry
Carole King Tapestry

Her joy was contagious as we walked into the theatre, and it bubbled over like a freshly opened bottle of Champagne. Her happiness became my joy.

The performance was not just beautiful but also unique. Hearing Jan quietly singing along to the music made me want to cry tears of happiness openly. 

When you’re down and troubled,
And you need some love and care,
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me,
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night.

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I’ll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there
You’ve got a friend

Carole King

“I will always be there for you!” I told her.  

But I also wanted to remind her that we had many friends together and separately that she and I could reach out to for help. I told her, “We cannot defeat cancer alone, and we can only do it by working together with our family and friends.” The only way we could survive whatever type of blood cancer she had was with the love and support of family and friends.

My love for Jan had never been as strong as it was that evening with a tapestry of Carole King songs in our hearts. Jan and I floated in the air as our guardian angels surrounded us with love and support on our return to the hotel. 

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Man's Search for Meaning

Read: January 2022

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Man’s Search for Meaning

by Viktor E. Frankl

I remember reading portions of Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl at different times, but I never finished the book. However, recently, eight and a half months after the passing of Jan, the book came up for discussion in one of my groups. Frankl’s theory of logotherapy, which derives from the Greek word for “meaning,” centers around the idea that the primary human drive is not pleasure, as Freud believed, but rather the search for what gives life meaning. I now have a framework for my life without Jan.

For those like me who are widows, Frankl understands suffering,

In some ways, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.

Jan and I lived meaningful lives. My challenge now is to continue to find meaning in my life without Jan.

As Frankl writes,

Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.

The love Jan and I shared was one of my primary sources of meaning. In addition, I stopped working full-time at the end of 2018 and struggled to replace the purpose I had gained from repairing the world. After Jan died, I suffered the “provisional existence of an unknown limit.” Frankl experienced that when he was in the concentration camps.

I have replaced the loss of meaning and purpose with a series of activities:

  1. Planning to Celebrate Jan Day on her birthday this year;
  2. Writing my random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered;
  3. Reading more than ever, including my Goodreads 2022 Reading Challange; and
  4. Walking more than I probably should.

I am also beginning to serve on the board of a few non-profits. It is time to transition from hands-on work to providing leadership differently.

Will this be enough to give my life meaning?

Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.

I must continue focusing on my search for meaning, as life will change over time.

My grief journey has taught me that love never dies,

For the first time in my life, I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth – that Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.

My path forward is to keep Jan’s love alive and continue to share it with others.

I recommend this book without reservation.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Days of Abandonment

Read: July 2024

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The Days of Abandonment

by Elena Ferrante

I’ve just started reading The Days of Abandonment by Elena Ferrante after finishing My Brilliant Friend. This book is among the New York Times’s 100 Best Books of the 21st Century. I chose to read it after watching An Undoing, a documentary about healing from an abusive 20-year marriage using unstitching wedding garments, one stitch at a time.

The film was part of the first night of the International Women’s Film Festival in Cranford. Although, except for one brief moment, I have never been in the same situation as the woman in the short video or Olga, the protagonist in the novel, I choose this as my next book to read. Of course, Ferrante’s writing is known for rich character development and powerful prose.

The Days of Abandonment follows the gripping story of an Italian woman named Olga, whose husband suddenly leaves after fifteen years of marriage. With two young children to care for, Olga finds it increasingly difficult to maintain her previous lifestyle of keeping a spotless house, cooking creative meals, and controlling her temper. After encountering her husband with his much younger lover in public, she even resorts to physically assaulting him.

In a “raging, torrential voice,” according to The New York Times, Olga describes her journey from denial to devastating emptiness. Trapped within the four walls of their high-rise apartment, she confronts her ghosts, the potential loss of her identity, and the possibility that life may never return to normal.

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God Shot

Read: December 2021

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God Shot by Chelsea Bieker

by Chelsea Bieker

God Shot by Chelsea Bieker, one of NPR’s Books We Love from 2020, is about the town of Peaches, California, where drought has settled in for the long term. The area of the Central Valley where fourteen-year-old Lacey May and her alcoholic mother live was once an agricultural paradise. Now it’s an environmental disaster, a place of cracked earth and barren raisin farms.

In their desperation, residents have turned to a cult leader named Pastor Vern for guidance. Everybody is praying for survival through secret “assignments” to bring the rain.

God Shot is an enjoyable read. However, I first found it challenging to accept Pastor Vern’s assignments, especially to Lacey May and her fellow teenage girls. Would people believe in a cult leader and get “assignments” that involve women fully accepting male domination in the twenty-first century? When I had doubts, I would wake up, listen to the news, or read the papers and discover that it is plausible and does happen in our world.

After being god-shot, Lacey May becomes one day at a time feminist as she has to rely on herself and other women who do not accept Pastor Vern’s divine leadership. Slowly but surely, she and her friends find a miracle to help them escape not only the environmental disaster caused by the drought but the moral depravity of Pastor Vern.

Goodreads provides this overview of the God Shot.

Lacey has no reason to doubt the pastor. But then her life explodes in a single unimaginable act of abandonment: her mother, exiled from the community for her sins, leaves Lacey and runs off with a man she barely knows. Abandoned and distraught, Lacey May moves in with her widowed grandma, Cherry, who is more concerned with her taxidermy mouse collection than her own granddaughter. As Lacey May endures the increasingly appalling acts of men who want to write all the rules and begins to uncover the full extent of Pastor Vern’s shocking plan to bring fertility back to the land, she decides she must go on a quest to find her mother no matter what it takes. With her only guidance coming from the romance novels she reads and the unlikely companionship of the women who knew her mother, she must find her own way through unthinkable circumstances.

Possessed of an unstoppable plot and a brilliantly soulful voice, Godshot is a book of grit, humor, and heart, a debut novel about female friendship and resilience, mother loss and motherhood, and seeking salvation in unexpected places. It introduces a writer who gives Flannery O’Connor’s Gothic parables a Californian twist and who emerges with a miracle that is all her own.

I recommend this novel without reservations!

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The Half-Life of Ruby Fielding: A Novel

Read: April 2022

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The Half-Life of Ruby Fielding: A Novel

by Lydia Kang

The Half-Life of Ruby Fielding: A Novel by Lydia Kang is a spellbinding historical mystery about hidden identities, wartime paranoia, and the compelling power of deceit. It was my free April book from First Reads, and it was a page-turner that I highly recommend.

The first year of World War II and the Manhattan Project is the backdrop of this historical fiction. The siblings’ Will and Maggie Scripps are well-defined andy sympathetic characters. I will leave it for the reader to find out the truth about them. Ruby Fielding is a fascinating character, although it takes time for her to be fully developed.

Again, I highly recommend this novel!

Goodreads provides a concise overview.

Brooklyn, 1942. War rages overseas as brother and sister Will and Maggie Scripps contribute to the war effort stateside. Ambitious Will secretly scouts for the Manhattan Project while grief-stricken Maggie works at the Navy Yard, writing letters to her dead mother between shifts.

But the siblings’ quiet lives change when they discover a beautiful woman hiding under their back stairs. This stranger harbors an obsession with poisons, an affection for fine things, and a singular talent for killing small creatures. As she draws Will and Maggie deeper into her mysterious past, they both begin to suspect she’s quite dangerous―all while falling helplessly under her spell.

With whispers of spies in dark corners and the world’s first atomic bomb in the works, the visitor’s sudden presence in Maggie’s and Will’s lives raises questions about who she is and what she wants. Is this mysterious woman someone they can trust―or a threat to everything they hold dear?

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Scarlet Carnation: A Novel

Read: March 2022

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Scarlet Carnation: A Novel

by Laila Ibrahim

Scarlet Carnation: A Novel by Laila Ibrahim is a book I enjoyed reading. Having read this book, I am now a fan of Laila Ibrahim and look forward to reading more of her novels. In addition, I am a fan of historical fiction, and this is one of the best I have read about the second decade of the twentieth century.

May and Naomi are related, but their lives are very relatable to the reader. The promises of equality and transformation of women’s roles resonate even now. Bringing together the myriad issues they confront – racism, shaming for decisions they made, peace, and the interlocking of their families from a plantation, make this a book that I highly recommend.

The only observation was my shock at reading that they were petitioning President Coolidge at the start of WW I. It is a minor issue as the story flows strongly from the first to the last page.

The Goodreads overview highlights the narrative of the book.

In an early twentieth-century America roiling with racial injustice, class divides, and WWI, two women fight for their dreams in a galvanizing novel by the bestselling author of Golden Poppies. 1915. May and Naomi are extended families, their grandmothers’ lives inseparably entwined on a Virginia plantation in the volatile time leading up to the Civil War. For both women, the twentieth century promises social transformation and equal opportunity.

May, a young white woman, is on the brink of achieving the independent life she’s dreamed of since childhood. Naomi, a nurse, mother, and leader of the NAACP, has fulfilled her own dearest desire: buying a home for her family. But they both are about to learn that dreams can be destroyed in an instant. May’s future is upended, and she is forced to rely once again on her mother. Meanwhile, the white-majority neighborhood into which Naomi has moved is organizing against her while her sons are away fighting for their country.

In the tumult of a changing nation, these two women—whose grandmothers survived the Civil War—support each other’s quest for liberation and dignity. Both find the strength to confront injustice and the faith to thrive on their chosen paths.

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Ripe: A Novel

Read: July 2023

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Ripe: A Novel by Sarah Rose Etter

by Sarah Rose Etter

I started reading “Ripe: A Novel” by Sarah Rose Etter today. This book has won awards and is highly praised by Roxane Gay for its uniqueness and brilliance. It tells the story of a woman in Silicon Valley who must choose how much she will sacrifice for success. Fans of “My Year of Rest and Relaxation” and “Her Body and Other Parties” will enjoy this surreal tale.

Cassie has worked at a Silicon Valley start-up for a year but feels stuck in a corporate nightmare. The long hours, toxic bosses, and unethical projects are taking a toll on her. She has a hard time reconciling the stark contrast between the abundance of wealth and the poverty and suffering that exist side by side in the city. Cassie observes Ivy League graduates complaining about snack options in a conference room overlooking unhoused people bathing in the bay. She’s witnessed start-up burnouts who throw themselves in front of commuter trains and men who light themselves on fire in the streets.

Even though Cassie is often by herself, she never feels entirely alone. Since she can remember, she has had a tiny black hole that is always with her. This black hole feeds off her feelings of sadness and worry, getting bigger or smaller depending on how much she struggles. While it watches her, it also waits patiently. Its powerful force keeps pulling Cassie closer as everything in her life seems to fall apart.

Cassie finds herself pregnant unexpectedly while dealing with her CEO’s illegal demands. She must weigh the benefits of Silicon Valley against the risks. Ripe follows the journey of one millennial woman through the absurdities of modern life, offering a sharp yet vulnerable, unsettling yet darkly comic commentary on our late-capitalist hellscape.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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