I Have Covid!

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes, 49 seconds

We Remained Optimistic While 
Jan’s Health Deteriorated

“I have COVID,” Jan disclosed over tears that flowed like a broken water main. “I do not want to die,” her voice echoed around the cabin of our Prius. Her words were the most frightening ones I had ever heard her say. After leaving her in the emergency room at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital in New Brunswick, I was driving home when the love of my life called me. 

All of the air in my lungs vanished when I exhaled. My heartbeat so rapidly it felt as if it would burst out of my chest. Somehow, I spoke the only phrase I could, “I love you.”

Miraculously, the car continued to drive without my intervention. We stayed in the correct lane, stopped at traffic lights, and proceeded home.

“We will get thru this,” I finally responded with words deeply ingrained in the deepest recesses of my mind

“How?”

I took a deep breath and held it before responding. 

“I will call Dr. Strair, and I am sure his team will know how to treat both COVID and Lymphoma.”

“I have to go; they are moving me to a bed in the hospital.”

As soon as she finished the call, my tear ducts opened and covered my face in salty water. 

Jan was alone and afraid. My tears stopped flowing, and I knew I needed to hug her and comfort her. I wanted to make a U-turn, but the Prius continued to drive automatically toward our empty home. In the end, the car understood COVID restrictions better than I did. 

February 5, 2021

“Sweetheart, I will bring the car around to the front,” I said to Jan. “After I park, I will come upstairs and help you.” She shook her head no. “OK, come with me now, and you can wait in the lobby for me.”

Walking to the parking lot, I reminded myself that we were in the second month since she had gotten the PET scan results indicating the cancer was in remission. Today is only a routine follow-up, and there is no need to worry. Her tiredness was expected, considering all that she had been through over the last year. 

“I wish you could stay with me,” Jan said in a subdued voice. 

“I agree.”

“Wish you did not have to drive two roundtrips. For you, my dear, I would drive to the end of the earth and back!”

“Not a problem, my dear.”

We arrived in front of the Cancer Center, and I called to let them know we were here. COVID protocols required a nurse to come down and meet her.

When we saw the nurse walking down the stairs, I got out of the car and opened the door for Jan. 

“I love you; I love you!”

I kissed her as she got out of the car. 

“I will call you once I know that I am almost finished.”

Bag of Blood

“I will be here most of the day,” Jan said in a voice that showed no anxiety. “My blood numbers are down, and they will give me a bag of blood.” She had had transfusions before, and they always brought the numbers up and gave her an energy boost. 

“OK, my love, I will be ready, willing, and able to pick you up as soon as you call me.”

We chatted for a few minutes about dinner plans and other mundane topics. 

After we ended the call, I took a deep breath and focused on cleaning our apartment and making dinner plans. 

Jan was going to be OK; I kept reminding myself. She has an excellent medical team. I did everything I could to convince myself that there was no need to worry.

Next Page

Pages: 1 2 3

12 comments add your comment

    • Penny, thank you so very much. My writings are from my heart and, in many ways, are an extended love letter to Jan. As I have described in other posts and comments, the words flow from me like an incoming tide at the Jersey shore.

      This quote by Helen Keller has always resonated with me.

      “What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”

      I hope to see you on April 24th to Celebrate Jan Day.

      Thanks so very much for reading this post. Please feel free to share this post and others with anyone interested.

Share your thoughts and ideas

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous Post:

Next Post:

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Whale Fall: A Novel

Read: July 2024

Get this book

Whale Fall: A Novel

by Elizabeth O'Connor

I have started reading “Whale Fall: A Novel” by Elizabeth O’Connor. With its unique blend of loss, isolation, folklore, and the journey of self-discovery, this debut novel offers a compelling narrative set in 1938 on a remote Welsh island. The story is catalyzed by the arrival of a dead whale, a powerful symbol that sets the stage for the characters’ journeys.

The story revolves around Manod, a young woman who has spent her entire life on the island. Despite their island home’s harsh yet stunning surroundings, Manod yearns to explore life beyond it, a desire that will resonate with many readers.

As two English ethnographers arrive to study the island’s culture, Manod sees it as a potential escape from her community. However, her growing involvement with them triggers a profound internal conflict. She grapples with the dilemma of pursuing her desires or remaining loyal to her community. This struggle resonates with the universal human experience, making it a compelling read for many.

Whale Fall‘ vividly portrays the tensions that surface when one person’s aspirations threaten the unity of a community. O’Connor’s narrative skillfully depicts the community and Manod on the brink, forced to confront a world that seems to infringe upon them. This evokes a sense of admiration for O’Connor’s storytelling prowess, making it a must-read for literary fiction enthusiasts.

×
The Sorrow Apartments

Read: June 2024

Get this book

The Sorrow Apartments

by Andrea Cohen

Today, I explored “The Sorrow Apartments,” the eighth collection of poems by poet Andrea Cohen. Renowned poet Christian Wiman accurately describes Cohen’s work as a “cumulative force,” showcasing her deep attention, genuine intelligence, and soul. Cohen’s distinctive talents are featured in this collection, complemented by her characteristic sly humor, unwavering conciseness, and surprising moments of profound wisdom.

It’s astonishing how swiftly Cohen transports us:

Bunker

What would I
think, coming

up after
my world

had evaporated?
I’d wish

I were water.

The Sorrow Apartments house a collection of sparse and haunting poetry, each piece a captivating narrative of mystery, grief, and awe. These poems transport us not just across time but also through a spectrum of emotions. Cohen’s unique approach to illumination is evident in “Acapulco,” where an unanticipated companion muses, “as men tend to, / the stars comprising Orion’s belt — / as if it were the lustrous sparks and not / the leveling dark that connects us.” For a poet often deemed unfashionable, Cohen’s work proves that unfashionable can be beautiful.

×
Clear: A Novel

Read: April 2024

Get this book

Clear: A Novel

by Carys Davies

Today, I started reading “Clear: A Novel” by Carys Davies. It’s a stunning and exquisite novel written by an award-winning author. The story follows John, a Scottish minister who is sent to a remote island off the coast of Scotland to evict the last remaining inhabitant, Ivar. However, Ivar is unwilling to leave, and John’s wife, Mary, has severe misgivings about the task.

Shortly after arriving on the island, John falls off a cliff and is badly injured. Ivar finds him and takes him home, where he tends to his wounds. John and Ivar understand each other despite the language barrier and the fragile connection that forms.

The story takes place in the 1840s, during the Scottish Clearances, a period of forced evictions that saw many rural communities lose their homes. The novel explores the differences and connections between people, the impact of history on our beliefs, and the resilience of the human spirit.

“Clear” is a moving, unpredictable, sensitive, and spellbinding novel. It is a profound and pleasurable read that will stay with you long after you finish the last page.

×
The Immortal Irishman

Read: October 2019

Get this book

The Immortal Irishman

by Timothy Egan

 

The Immortal Irishman: The Irish Revolutionary Who Became an American Hero by Timothy Egan is a book I started reading as The Worst Hard Timesincluded the first fifty pages.

I often only read a few pages and then return the book to the e-library. The Immortal Irishman was not the case, and I could not stop reading and borrowed the book immediately.

I had never heard of Thomas Francis Meagher or his life in Ireland or America. The story was fascinating, unique, and essential.

The Irish-American story, with all its twists and triumphs, is told through the improbable life of one man. A dashing young orator during the Great Famine of the 1840s, in which a million of his Irish countrymen died, Thomas Francis Meagher led a failed uprising against British rule, for which he was banished to a Tasmanian prison colony. He escaped and six months later was heralded in the streets of New York – the revolutionary hero, back from the dead, at the dawn of the great Irish immigration to America.

Meagher’s rebirth in America included his leading the newly formed Irish Brigade from New York in many of the fiercest battles of the Civil War – Bull Run, Antietam, Fredericksburg. Twice shot from his horse while leading charges, left for dead in the Virginia mud, Meagher’s dream was that Irish-American troops, seasoned by war, would return to Ireland and liberate their homeland from British rule.

The hero’s last chapter, as territorial governor of Montana, was a romantic quest for a true home in the far frontier. His death has long been a mystery to which Egan brings haunting, colorful new evidence.

I recommend this book.

Subscribe

Contact Us

×
The Last White Man

Read: August 2022

Get this book

The Last White Man: A Novel

by Mohsin Hamid

The Last White Man by Mohsin Hamid is a story of love, loss, and rediscovery in a time of unsettling change. One morning, Anders, the novel’s protagonist,  wakes to find that his skin has turned dark, his reflection a stranger to him. At first, he tells only Oona, an old friend, newly a lover. Soon, reports of similar occurrences surface across the land.

In Mohsin Hamid’s “lyrical and urgent” prose (O Magazine), The Last White Man powerfully uplifts our capacity for empathy and the transcendence over bigotry, fear, and anger it can achieve.

I highly recommend this book. It was a page-turner that kept me thinking about love, loss, and rediscovery. All three are subjects close to my heart since Jan’s death.

I decided to read the book after hearing an interview with the author on All of It on WNYC.

The Goodreads summary provides a good overview,

One morning, Anders wakes to find that his skin has turned dark, his reflection a stranger to him. At first he tells only Oona, an old friend, newly a lover. Soon, reports of similar occurrences surface across the land. Some see in the transformations the long-dreaded overturning of an established order, to be resisted to a bitter end. In many, like Anders’s father and Oona’s mother, a sense of profound loss wars with profound love. As the bond between Anders and Oona deepens, change takes on a different shading: a chance to see one another, face to face, anew.

Hamid’s The Last White Man invites us to envision a future – our future – that dares to reimagine who we think we are, and how we might yet be together.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

×
How Democracies Die

Read: January 2021

Get this book

How Democracies Die: What History Reveals About Our Future

by Steven Levitsky and Daniel Ziblatt

How Democracies Die: What History Reveals About Our Future by Steven Levitsky and Daniel Ziblatt was on my reading list for almost a year. In late December of last year, I started reading it and was in the final chapter on January 6, 2021. Like many of us, I never in my life expected to see a day like that in our country.

This type of event is one the authors talk about in their book.

According to the overview in GoodReads,

Donald Trump’s presidency has raised a question that many of us never thought we’d be asking: Is our democracy in danger? Harvard professors Steven Levitsky and Daniel Ziblatt have spent more than twenty years studying the breakdown of democracies in Europe and Latin America, and they believe the answer is yes. Democracy no longer ends with a bang–in a revolution or military coup–but with a whimper: the slow, steady weakening of critical institutions, such as the judiciary and the press, and the gradual erosion of long-standing political norms. The good news is that there are several exit ramps on the road to authoritarianism. The bad news is that, by electing Trump, we have already passed the first one.

Drawing on decades of research and a wide range of historical and global examples, from 1930s Europe to contemporary Hungary, Turkey, and Venezuela, to the American South during Jim Crow, Levitsky and Ziblatt show how democracies die–and how ours can be saved.

Our democracy is too valuable for us to have it die. We all need to work to preserve and strengthen it. How Democracies Die is a book that everyone needs to read!

Subscribe

Contact Us

×

Discover more from Sharing Jan’s Love

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading