I Have Covid!
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“Jan is in the hospital, and she tested positive for COVID,” I say to my sons. “I have no idea how long she will be in the hospital. No, I am unable to visit her.” These words are the core of the message I share on the phone and later text.
It is always best to get the facts out as quickly as possible.
“That’s all I know,” I respond to questions that I cannot answer.
“Yes, I have to quarantine and be tested.”
Mike offers to drop off an inflatable mattress.
Standing in the second bedroom, I try to imagine a mattress in the space. We have never slept in separate beds.
“As soon as I know more, I will let you know.”
I pace the empty house. Almost all of the other hospitalizations seemed routine, and I could visit her.
I pull my iPhone out of my pocket and dial her number.
“Hello,” she says. Her voice sounds like she is on the other side of the moon.
I want to say something meaningful and calming. The only words that leave my mouth are, I love you.
“I know; I love you too!”
I update the calls and review the list I need to text.
“I am getting a COVID test on Friday.”
“I hope you did not catch it from me.”
I tell her not to worry.
“Mike is loaning us their inflatable mattress.”
“Good.”
Our words seem repetitive and strained.
“This is just a bad bump in the road. We will get thru this.”
“I hope we do….”
Her tears fill my ears with the sound of sadness. I want to fill her heart with love and hope.
“I’ll call you in the morning.”
Jan, my sweetheart, our love will never die! I collapsed on the couch and wept. Jan was alone and afraid. I needed to stop crying and focus on Jan’s needs, not mine. She needs me now more than ever, and with the COVID diagnosis, I cannot visit her.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.
After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
I love these stories, Richard❤
Penny, thank you so very much. My writings are from my heart and, in many ways, are an extended love letter to Jan. As I have described in other posts and comments, the words flow from me like an incoming tide at the Jersey shore.
This quote by Helen Keller has always resonated with me.
“What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”
I hope to see you on April 24th to Celebrate Jan Day.
Thanks so very much for reading this post. Please feel free to share this post and others with anyone interested.