Wedding Roadblocks

Estimated reading time: 16 minutes, 1 second

Interfaith Option

“I talked with Fr. John this morning,” I said to Jan. “He was going to the subway. He asked about how you are, and if it was true, we are planning to get married. I gave him a synopsis of where we are.” I knew Jan did not like me to reveal family matters to others. “He offered to marry us if we could not find anyone else.”

That is very kind, but he is not a Rabbi.

I chuckled. “Both Fr. John and I knew it would not help. When I worked for him, I attended Sunday services regularly until we met; he is someone I like and trust fully.”

Jan looked into my eyes with a surprised look and asked, “You went to church regularly?”

I nodded my head. “When I met you at your party, I was planning to leave so I could make it back in time for church. Once I kissed your sweet lips, I gave up on that plan.”

You always said my kisses were powerful,” Jan giggled. “I just never knew they were that strong.”

Being an incurable romantic, I reached over and kissed her sweet lips.

“I presumed you were going to services regularly when we met.”

“No, I have not been in years and years.”

“Oh? Why is your family holding up the wedding for the lack of a rabbi?

Jan put on her shoes so we could go out for dinner.

It would be humorous if it was not so absurd.

A NY Rabbi

I found this classified ad in the Village Voice,” Jan said. Need a Rabbi for an Interfaith Marriage?” She handed the paper to me. “I am going to call and see if we can meet with him before Sunday; that way, if they suggest postponing the wedding, we will have a solution in our pocket!”

I smiled at her and was optimistic we would marry this year for the first time in months. 

“Let’s call now,” I said. An interfaith service would be nice if we could get your parents to agree.

Jan dialed the phone but said, “I have thought about that since you told me about going to services at St. John’s. My parents would be upset, but I want our wedding to reflect that we are two people joining together.

Can I speak with the Rabbi,” Jan asked?

She provided an overview of our plans for our wedding. 

“When can we meet with you?”

We agreed to meet the following afternoon. 

The Rabbi Says Yes!

Getting off of the elevator on the top floor, I stopped and kissed Jan. “I love you so much. If he says yes and can marry us in August, I will be the happiest man in NY City!” We had held hands on the train to the Upper West Side and tried not to get too excited. I could no longer hold back my excitement that we could be married in four months!

Jan knocked on the door. A woman in her thirties welcomed us and directed us to the Rabbi’s study. 

We stood up and greeted the Rabbi when he entered the room.

“So the two of you want to get married but cannot find anyone to officiate.”

Yes, that is correct,” Jan said and then gave an overview of our interviews in NJ. 

“Like most Jews, I would like it if you raised your children Jewish, but I believe that is a choice the two of you will need to make when and if you become parents.”

Wow, I said to myself, did he say yes?

“Which one of you is Jewish and which one is not?”

Jan explained our backgrounds. “Richard might be more observant than I am,” Jan said with a smile

We talked about the wedding and the date, and everything was going so smoothly that I could not imagine any issue derailing our plans.

“Richard, would you want an officiant from your faith community to participate,” the Rabbi asked.

Ideally, yes,” I said as tears welled up in my eyes. “But I do not want to do anything that would make it impossible for us to get married in August and love each other forever.”

“I have done several weddings with a pastor. I believe it makes for a stronger marriage as it combines both families and their traditions.

I could see Jan nodding her head. 

“Jan and I can talk about it and get back to you,” I said. “We are both so pleased you will marry us!”


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When I'm Gone, Look for Me in the East

Read: January 2023

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When I’m Gone, Look for Me in the East

by Quan Barry

When I’m Gone, Look for Me in the East by Quan Barry is a luminous novel that moves across a windswept Mongolia as a pair of estranged twin brothers make a journey of duty, conflict, and renewed understanding. Since Jan died, I have been sharing her love and not looking for her, so this novel attracted me as it was a counter-narrative. Are our lives our own, or do we belong to something more significant?

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I plan to use others in future posts.

Love never dies, and this quote echoed my belief.

“Love is neither created nor destroyed. It exists at all times and in all dimensions. Love is not something we create—it is something that wells up in us, like sap in a tree. It is an element in the fabric of the universe. Even on that distant day when sentient beings no longer exist, Love carries on. Perhaps our personal relationship to Love is impermanent, but Love itself is not.”

I highly recommend When I’m Gone, Look for Me in the East.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Tasked with finding the reincarnation of a great lama somewhere in the vast Mongolian landscape, the young monk Chuluun seeks the help of his identical twin, Mun, who was recognized as a reincarnation himself as a child but has since renounced their once shared monastic life.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Read: September 2022

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The Fire and the Ore

by Olivia Hawker

The Fire and the Ore by Olivia Hawker is a novel set in 1856 when three women—once strangers—come together in unpredictable Utah Territory. Hopeful, desperate, and willful, they’ll allow nothing on earth or Heaven to stand in their way. I have always enjoyed the history of the movement of people across the plains. Tamar, Jane, and Tabitha, along with their shared husband, Thomas Ricks, were real people, and Olivia Hawker compellingly describes them as people living in difficult times.

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The Goodreads summary provides a good overview,

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Read: July 2022

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The Surgeon’s Daughter

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I did something I had not done in decades. After finishing the Big Library Read of 2022, The Girl in His Shadow, by Audrey Blake, I immediately started reading the sequel, The Surgeon’s Daughter. The protagonist, Nora Beady, was such a strong female lead that I could not wait to find out what happened next. In the sequel, Nora Beady, the only female student at a prestigious medical school in Bologna, is a rarity. Nora’s tenacity and passion reminded me of Jan, the love of my life.

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The pen name – Audrey Blake – was in response to the publishers recommending a more straightforward author’s name. Regina’s daughter is named Audrey, and Jaima’s son is Blake.

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The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Under constant scrutiny, Nora’s successes are taken for granted; her mistakes used as proof that women aren’t suited to the field.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Women: A Novel

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Read: November 2023

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by Maylis De Kerangal

Today, I would like to recommend the book “Eastbound” by Maylis De Kerangal, which has been beautifully translated into English by Jessica Moore. The story revolves around a Russian conscript and a French woman who cross paths on the Trans-Siberian railroad, each trying to escape to the East for different reasons. “Eastbound” is an adventure story that takes you through two vibrant inner worlds.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Read: January 2019

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20 Under 40 Fiction

by Various Writers Under 40

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The New Yorker’s collection of short stories – 20 Under 40 – is a collection of twenty writers “whose work will help define the future of American letters.”

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