The Day Jan and I Married!

Estimated reading time: 15 minutes, 58 seconds

Our Wedding Vows

We have written our vows,” I said to Jan. If I can’t see your wedding dress before Saturday night, I do not think it a good idea to share our vows before we read them during the ceremony.” Jan nodded affirmatively. Jan had written hers on a tiny notepad, and I had crafted mine on four floral sticker notes. But we may want to discuss what is not in our written vows. 

We were sitting facing each other on the couch in our first home three days before our wedding.

“What do you think we left out of each other’s vows?”

I did not mention ‘until death do us part’ in mine, although I implied it.

I did not say it specifically either,” Jan responded.

“Jan, I love you now and forever, not until one of us dies.”

Jan frowned and said, “If something happened to me, I want you to love and marry again.”

“Jan, I would want you to love again, but I could never replace you and would never want to.”

Richard, you are a wonderful man, and I could never find someone like you again, but if I die first, I will not want you to live alone forever.

“We can agree to disagree.”

We sat silently as a thunderstorm raced across Manhattan, aiming directly at our humble abode.

I broke the silence with two more comments. 

I do not say anything about being faithful to you in my vows as I did not believe it was necessary as it is something I believe we agree on. I have been committed to you since we met and will never be with anyone else.”

Jan did not say anything for several moments. 

I did not mention that either,” Jan stated. “I have not and do not plan to be with anyone else.”

I sighed in relief, but then Jan continued to speak.

However, predicting the future is difficult. There might be situations that will test us, maybe ones where we make mistakes. We are both human and imperfect. I believe all we can do is promise to do our best and be willing to understand.”

I wasn’t happy with her commitment to only doing her best, but I also did not want to know why she chose that language. 

She had flirted with the big tent guy before me but was upset that I might sleep with my ex-girlfriend. If I had slept with her and told Jan I had done my best to be faithful, I wonder how she would have reacted.

“We agree to disagree again.”

“No, we agree on this point. I was only trying to remind us we are human and fallible.

We smiled at each other and held hands to affirm our agreement to a monogamous marriage.

“I also did not say anything about ‘sickness’ in my vows. But I want to be clear that if you ever become sick or have a life-threatening illness, I would be there for you even if you stopped loving me and told me to stay away. My love for you has no limits.”

Jan smiled and mouthed me too. 

But then her smile evaporated and turned into the look of someone who had seen a ghost

I reached over and hugged and kissed Jan

“Are you OK?”

Yes,” she said as tears flowed down her cheeks. 

I covered her lips with mine. I wanted to know what had upset her but chose not to ask. 

The storm was now rattling the windows behind us. I took Jan’s hands and walked with her to the bedroom, where we made love as if it was the first time for both of us.

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29 comments add your comment

  1. What a great story as well as funny…You described the wedding as if it happened yesterday!!

    • Hugo, thank you very much for commenting on The Day Jan and I Married.

      In my mind, the day Jan and I married was, in fact, yesterday. It was an essential public statement to family and friends that the love Jan and I shared was not an infatuation but a long-term commitment. Jan’s love transformed me and made me a better person.

      Like life itself, love can be fragile. When I write about our early days, I must accept that our love and marriage might not have happened.

        My commitment to my imaginary girlfriend kept me from pursuing Jan even though I felt a strong and unique attraction to Jan when I met her at the December 1972 VISTA Training.

        Jan could have decided that her parent’s opposition was enough to convince her not to marry me.

        Jan might have had a boyfriend when I went to her party, and I would have only a casual friend.

      If any of those had occurred, I might have been a lifelong bachelor, or perhaps the imaginary girlfriend would not have left me.

      As I wrote, the highest honor of my life was and always will be being Jan’s husband. Love never dies, and my passion for Jan will never end.

      The amateur writing I do comes from my heart and soul and flows thru my fingers like the tides in the Bay of Fundy.

      Hugo, I would write more often if I had more readers like you.

      I appreciate your friendship and support during the most challenging chapter of my life.

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The Passing Storm

Read: May 2022

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The Passing Storm

by Christine Nolfi

The Passing Storm by Christine Nolfi is a gripping, openhearted novel about family, reconciliation, and bringing closure to the secrets of the past. From the first chapter, it was a pageturner and a book that engaged me when I needed to focus on life’s challenges. I was looking for something different from my most recent books.

I very much enjoyed this novel. It is focused on losses, including one parent and a daughter. I had not anticipated that but found that Ms. Nolfi handled that in an empathic way that did not trigger my grief but helped me understand my grief. The primary characters Rae, Quinn, Connor, and Griffin are brought to life by the writer. It left me wanting to know what happens to them now that they have survived the early stages of grief.

The Goodreads summary provides a good overview.

Early into the turbulent decade of her thirties, Rae Langdon struggles to work through grief she never anticipated. With her father, Connor, she tends to their Ohio farm, a forty-acre spread that has enjoyed better days. As memories sweep through her, some too precious to bear, Rae gives shelter from a brutal winter to a teenager named Quinn Galecki.

His parents have thrown out Quinn, a couple too troubled to help steer the misunderstood boy through his losses. Now Quinn has found a temporary home with the Langdons—and an unexpected kinship because Rae, Quinn, and Connor share a past and understand one another’s pain. But its depths—and all its revelations and secrets—have yet to come to light. To finally move forward, Rae must confront them and fight for Quinn, whose parents have other plans for their son.

There might be hope for a new season with forgiveness, love, and the spring thaw—a second chance Rae believed in her heart was gone forever.


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Read: September 2022

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Dragony Rising: A Frank Nagler Novel

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The author’s summary provides a good overview.

Detective Frank Nagler is recalled from medical leave to lead an investigation into the bombing.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Read: January 2023

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Flight: A Novel

by Lynn Steger Strong

Flight: A Novel by Lynn Steger Strong is a novel about family, ambition, precarity, art, and desire, forming a decisive next step from a brilliant chronicler of our time. The book has been on my to-read list for a few months. A New Yorker Best Books of 2022, it seemed like a good start on my 2023 Goodreads Reading challenge. Flight is the first book I read in 2023. Last year I read seventy-four books, and each helped me with my grief journey.

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The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

It’s December twenty-second and siblings Henry, Kate, and Martin have converged with their spouses on Henry’s house in upstate New York. This is the first Christmas the siblings are without their mother, the first not at their mother’s Florida house. Over the course of the next three days, old resentments and instabilities arise as the siblings, with a gaggle of children afoot, attempt to perform familiar rituals, while also trying to decide what to do with their mother’s house, their sole inheritance. As tensions rise, the whole group is forced to come together unexpectedly when a local mother and daughter need help.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Read: April 2024

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Wild Houses: A Novel

by Colin Barrett

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Read: August 2022

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Thrust: A Novel

by Lidia Yuknavitch

Thrust: A Novel by Lidia Yuknavitch is a book I recommend without reservations. The protagonist of Thrust is Laisve, a motherless girl from the late 21st century who is learning her power as a carrier, a person who can harness the power of meaningful objects to carry her through time. The book begins with the construction of the Statue of Liberty, and Laisve, with the gifts of a carrier, travels through water and time to rescue vulnerable figures from the margins of history.

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Lidia Yuknavitch has an unmatched gift for capturing stories of people on the margins–vulnerable humans leading lives of challenge and transcendence. Now, Yuknavitch offers an imaginative masterpiece: the story of Laisve, a motherless girl from the late 21st century who is learning her power as a carrier, a person who can harness the power of meaningful objects to carry her through time.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month are matched dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Read: October 2019

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The Immortal Irishman

by Timothy Egan

 

The Immortal Irishman: The Irish Revolutionary Who Became an American Hero by Timothy Egan is a book I started reading as The Worst Hard Timesincluded the first fifty pages.

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