The Day Jan and I Married!
Estimated reading time: 15 minutes, 58 secondsOur Wedding Vows
We have written our vows,” I said to Jan. If I can’t see your wedding dress before Saturday night, I do not think it a good idea to share our vows before we read them during the ceremony.” Jan nodded affirmatively. Jan had written hers on a tiny notepad, and I had crafted mine on four floral sticker notes. But we may want to discuss what is not in our written vows.
We were sitting facing each other on the couch in our first home three days before our wedding.
“What do you think we left out of each other’s vows?”
I did not mention ‘until death do us part’ in mine, although I implied it.
I did not say it specifically either,” Jan responded.
“Jan, I love you now and forever, not until one of us dies.”
Jan frowned and said, “If something happened to me, I want you to love and marry again.”
“Jan, I would want you to love again, but I could never replace you and would never want to.”
Richard, you are a wonderful man, and I could never find someone like you again, but if I die first, I will not want you to live alone forever.
“We can agree to disagree.”
We sat silently as a thunderstorm raced across Manhattan, aiming directly at our humble abode.
I broke the silence with two more comments.
I do not say anything about being faithful to you in my vows as I did not believe it was necessary as it is something I believe we agree on. I have been committed to you since we met and will never be with anyone else.”
Jan did not say anything for several moments.
I did not mention that either,” Jan stated. “I have not and do not plan to be with anyone else.”
I sighed in relief, but then Jan continued to speak.
However, predicting the future is difficult. There might be situations that will test us, maybe ones where we make mistakes. We are both human and imperfect. I believe all we can do is promise to do our best and be willing to understand.”
I wasn’t happy with her commitment to only doing her best, but I also did not want to know why she chose that language.
She had flirted with the big tent guy before me but was upset that I might sleep with my ex-girlfriend. If I had slept with her and told Jan I had done my best to be faithful, I wonder how she would have reacted.
“We agree to disagree again.”
“No, we agree on this point. I was only trying to remind us we are human and fallible.
We smiled at each other and held hands to affirm our agreement to a monogamous marriage.
“I also did not say anything about ‘sickness’ in my vows. But I want to be clear that if you ever become sick or have a life-threatening illness, I would be there for you even if you stopped loving me and told me to stay away. My love for you has no limits.”
Jan smiled and mouthed me too.
But then her smile evaporated and turned into the look of someone who had seen a ghost.
I reached over and hugged and kissed Jan.
“Are you OK?”
Yes,” she said as tears flowed down her cheeks.
I covered her lips with mine. I wanted to know what had upset her but chose not to ask.
The storm was now rattling the windows behind us. I took Jan’s hands and walked with her to the bedroom, where we made love as if it was the first time for both of us.
After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
What a great story as well as funny…You described the wedding as if it happened yesterday!!
Hugo, thank you very much for commenting on The Day Jan and I Married.
In my mind, the day Jan and I married was, in fact, yesterday. It was an essential public statement to family and friends that the love Jan and I shared was not an infatuation but a long-term commitment. Jan’s love transformed me and made me a better person.
Like life itself, love can be fragile. When I write about our early days, I must accept that our love and marriage might not have happened.
My commitment to my imaginary girlfriend kept me from pursuing Jan even though I felt a strong and unique attraction to Jan when I met her at the December 1972 VISTA Training.
Jan could have decided that her parent’s opposition was enough to convince her not to marry me.
Jan might have had a boyfriend when I went to her party, and I would have only a casual friend.
If any of those had occurred, I might have been a lifelong bachelor, or perhaps the imaginary girlfriend would not have left me.
As I wrote, the highest honor of my life was and always will be being Jan’s husband. Love never dies, and my passion for Jan will never end.
The amateur writing I do comes from my heart and soul and flows thru my fingers like the tides in the Bay of Fundy.
Hugo, I would write more often if I had more readers like you.
I appreciate your friendship and support during the most challenging chapter of my life.