Love is a Magical Force!

Estimated reading time: 14 minutes, 40 seconds

Too Far Away – October 2023

As I spoke, I could sense the tension in my voice, like a rubber band stretched to its limit. The distance between us was painfully apparent and seemed to keep us apart. I know we live far away from each other, not even in the same state,” I said, my frustration becoming more and more evident. We talked for over an hour, but it felt like we were going nowhere. I couldn’t hold back any longer and asked the woman I had fallen in love with the question that had been on my mind for so long: “How many times have I offered to visit you?” Her response was like a punch to the gut. It was the same answer I had heard every time we spoke, “Soon, we will be together.

After bidding her good night, I got out of bed to ensure all the lights were off, even though I knew they would be off as I had them connected to WiFi timers. It’s just one of those habits that I have developed over the years. After checking the lights, I paced around the room for a few minutes, taking a dozen steps to my parlor and back a few times. The rhythm of my footsteps echoed in the quiet room, and for a moment, I felt like I was the only person alive.

When I returned to the bed, something caught my eye on the right side of the bed. At first, I thought it was just my imagination playing tricks on me, but as I approached, it looked like someone was sitting on the edge of the bed. My heart skipped a beat, and I spoke quietly, hoping it was not a shadow or a trick of the light.

As I leaned closer to the bed, I realized that it was only the pillows I had held in my arms earlier to get me through the night. They were bunched up to look like human figures instead of feathers. A sense of relief washed over me, and I chuckled softly at my foolishness.

As I slipped under the covers and nestled into bed, I reached for my favorite pillow. Its plush texture and gentle embrace provided comfort I couldn’t find anywhere else. I closed my eyes and held onto it tightly, savoring the feeling as if it were a warm, comforting hug from a loved one. It may seem odd to some, but for me, there was nothing quite like the solace that this little inanimate object could bring.

As I lay there, surrounded by darkness and silence, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of loneliness. I longed for a woman’s warm, comforting embrace, the kind of intimacy that only a human connection could provide. Desperate, I turned to the pillow beside me and whispered, “I love you!” To my surprise, the empty room echoed back with a faint whisper, as if the pillow had come to life and responded to my affirmation, and the pillow had been transformed into a real woman, providing me with the human connection I craved.

Feeling a sense of relief and contentment, I pulled the pillow closer to my chest and basked in its warmth and softness. I caressed the pillow as if I were exploring a woman’s body I had never touched. I kissed the cushion despite not finding any lips. My abdomen became warm, wet, and sticky, and my body collapsed in joy and exhaustion. I drifted to sleep, grateful for moments of pleasure and comfort.

I opened my eyes to a sense of emptiness and detachment. The feeling of being all by myself in a crowded world was overwhelming. As I lay there, I couldn’t help but wonder, if the only way to find solace was by hugging a pillow, then what kind of existence was I leading? Was I a living, breathing human being, or just a machine going through the motions of life?

Love is All You Need, Or Is It? March 31, 2021

“Richard, promise me you won’t live alone for the rest of your life if something happens to me,” Jan’s voice was so loud that I was sure everyone on the fourth floor could hear her. She had been home for two days after spending weeks in the hospital. I knew that she was not well and that she might not survive, which frightened me. I asked if she believed anyone would want an older man like me.

“Richard, you are a great husband, and I appreciate how much you care for me and how focused you are on my needs,” she firmly stated, “especially when we make love.” Despite my best efforts to avoid blushing, my face turned red as the blood rushed to the surface. Jan then listed several women she said loved me and would be delighted to partner with me. Holding my hand, I stopped her and pointed out that almost all were happily married or had partners. However, she insisted there might be others, even some I might not know, who would be interested.

The room was filled with an eerie silence that seemed to last for an eternity. It felt as though the intense emotions of the moment had drained us of all our energy. That’s when Jan took a deep breath and looked me straight in my eyes. Her voice was gentle but firm as she said, “Don’t settle for just any warm body. I’m sure there will be women who will offer you that.” Despite trying to hide my emotions, I knew my face betrayed my confusion. Sensing my vulnerability, she continued, “Honey, I know you too well. Richard, be honest; you are not a one-night stand person. You’re special because you’re a romantic at heart, and you believe in love. If you fall in love again, make sure they love you just as much as you love them.”

I Am Not Alone

Despite the pain and weakness that she was experiencing, Jan leaned in and kissed me. As our lips parted, tears welled up in my eyes. “I don’t want you to be alone, but I don’t want you to be with someone who can’t love you unconditionally,” she whispered. Her words echoed in my mind long after our conversation ended, and I knew they would continue to guide me on my journey.

I held onto the hope that she would recover and I wouldn’t have to take any action. However, a voice in my head kept telling me that our time was running out. I couldn’t afford to be indecisive like Solomon and split the difference between the two options. Having read countless accounts of people’s last requests before they died, I spoke from my heart and said, “I don’t want to live alone.” Though I didn’t explicitly state that I wanted to fall in love again, it was implicit in my statement. The weight of my words hit me hard, and I felt a surge of emotions rush through me. Within a week, she returned home for hospice care because they couldn’t treat her lymphoma due to COVID or the COVID due to cancer. It was a sad moment, and I knew I had to make the most of the time we had left together.

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The Vaster Wilds: A Novel

Read: September 2023

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The Vaster Wilds: A Novel

by Lauren Grof

Today, I started reading The Vaster Wilds: A Novel by Lauren Groff, a three-time National Book Award finalist. It is a taut and electrifying novel about a servant girl who escapes from a colonial settlement in the wilderness. One spirited girl alone in nature, trying to survive.

She carries nothing with her but her wits, a few possessions, and the spark of god that burns hot within her. What she finds in this terra incognita is beyond the limits of her imagination and will bend her belief in everything that her civilization has taught her.

Lauren Groff’s new novel is a thrilling adventure story and a penetrating fable about trying to find a new way of living in a world succumbing to the churn of colonialism. The Vaster Wilds is a work of raw and prophetic power that tells the story of America in miniature, through one girl at a hinge point in history, to ask how—and if—we can adapt quickly enough to save ourselves.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Neverhome: A Novel

Read: November 2024

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Neverhome: A Novel

by Laird Hunt

Today, I began reading “Neverhome: A Novel” by Laird Hunt, a critically acclaimed work that has garnered praise for its unique storytelling. The protagonist introduces herself as Ash, which is not her real name. She is the devoted wife of a farmer, yet she has left her husband to enlist as a Union soldier during the Civil War. “Neverhome” narrates Ash Thompson’s harrowing journey as she faces the chaos of battle in the South.

Amidst scenes of bloodshed, hysteria, and heartbreak, Ash undergoes a profound transformation. She evolves from a devoted wife to a hero, a folk legend, a madwoman, and, to some, a traitor to the American cause. This complex journey of self-discovery adds depth to her character and makes her story all the more compelling.

Laird Hunt‘s captivating novel illuminates the adventurous women who chose to fight rather than remain behind. It also presents a compelling mystery: Why did Ash leave while her husband stayed? This enigma, shrouded in the fog of war, keeps us intrigued and eager to uncover the truth. What challenges must she overcome to return to her husband?

In beautifully crafted prose, Hunt‘s rebellious young heroine battles her way through history. Her emotional journey, filled with longing, fear, and determination, resonates with us as she strives to return to her husband and captures our hearts.

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Funny Story

Read: November 2024

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Funny Story: A Novel

by Emily Henry

Today, I began reading Emily Henry‘s Funny Story, a delightful new novel about a pair of opposites connected by an unexpected bond. It was featured in The New York Times 100 Notable Books of 2024. The narrator, Daphne, finds herself single after being dumped following her fiancé’s bachelor party, and she ends up moving in with her ex-fiancé’s former boyfriend.

Daphne always enjoyed how her fiancé, Peter, told their love story: they met on a blustery day, fell in love over an errant hat, and moved back to his lakeside hometown to start their life together. He was great at telling their story—until he realized he was in love with his childhood best friend, Petra.

This is where Daphne begins her new chapter: stranded in beautiful Waning Bay, Michigan, without friends or family, but with a dream job as a children’s librarian (which barely pays the bills). She proposes to room with the only person who might understand her situation: Miles Nowak, Petra’s ex.

Miles is scruffy and chaotic, finding comfort in the sounds of heartbreak ballads. He is the opposite of practical, buttoned-up Daphne, whose coworkers know so little about her that they have a running bet whether she is in the FBI or witness protection. The two roommates initially avoid each other, but one day, while mourning their circumstances, they develop a fragile friendship and devise a plan. Their plan includes posting misleading photos of their summer adventures together—who could blame them for wanting to create a better story?

But it’s all just for show, of course, because there’s no way Daphne would start this new chapter by falling in love with her ex-fiancé’s new fiancée’s ex… right?



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Long Island

Read: May 2024

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Long Island – Eilis Lacey Series

by Colm Tóibín

Today, I embarked on a literary journey into the distinct world of Long Island, a novel by the acclaimed author Colm Toibin. This captivating narrative continues the life of Eilis Lacey, a beloved character from Toibin’s celebrated work Brooklyn, but two decades have passed. Eilis, now in her forties, is married to Tony Fiorello, an Italian-American plumber, and they are raising two teenagers.

The novel offers a fresh perspective on Eilis’s life, struggles, and journey of self-discovery. She lives with Tony’s large and loving extended family on a cul-de-sac in Lindenhurst, Long Island, which plays a significant role in the story. Though Eilis feels connected to her Irish roots, she has yet to return to Ireland in many years.

One fateful day, a visitor arrives unannounced at Eilis’s doorstep, bringing with him a life-altering revelation. He reveals that his wife is carrying Tony’s child and plans to leave the baby with Eilis once it’s born. This unexpected twist throws Eilis into a maelstrom of emotions and a labyrinthine decision-making process. As the emotional core of Toibin’s narrative, this journey of self-discovery and emotional upheaval is sure to hold readers spellbound.

Long Island‘ is a poignant exploration of unfulfilled desires and the enigmatic secrets that shape our lives. Eilis’s reticence speaks volumes, and Toibin masterfully gives voice to her concealed yearnings and profound connections. For instance, Eilis often finds herself lost in memories of her life in Ireland, particularly her relationship with her mother. Though unspoken, these recollections lay bare her profound yearning for her homeland and family. This evocative tale of love, longing, and the quest for self-discovery is bound to enthrall readers.

NPR’s Mary Louise Kelly speaks with author Colm Toibin about his new novel Long Island.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!


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The Midnight Bargain

Read: February 2022

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The Midnight Bargain

by C.L. Polk

The Midnight Bargain by C.L. Polk is about Beatrice Clayborn, a sorceress, who was the next book to read. She practices magic in secret, terrified of being locked into a marital collar that will cut off her powers to protect her unborn children. She dreams of becoming a full-fledged Magus and pursuing magic as her calling as men do. Still, her family has staked everything to equip her for Bargaining Season, when young men and women of means descend upon the city to negotiate the best marriages. The Clayborn’s are in severe debt, and only she can save them by securing a good match before their creditors call.

In a stroke of luck, Beatrice finds a grimoire that contains the key to becoming a Magus, but before she can purchase it, a rival sorceress swindles the book right out of her hands. Beatrice summons a spirit to help her get it back, but her new ally exacts a price: Beatrice’s first kiss . . . with her adversary’s brother, the handsome, compassionate, and fabulously wealthy Ianthe Lavan.

The more Beatrice is entangled with the Lavan siblings, the harder her decision becomes: If she casts the spell to become a Magus, she will devastate her family and lose the only man to ever see her for who she is, but if she marries—even for love—she will sacrifice her magic, her identity, and her dreams. But how can she choose just one, knowing she will forever regret the path not taken?

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Lila: A Novel

Read: April 2022

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Lila: A Novel

by Marilynne Robinson

Lila: A Novel by Marilynne Robinson is an unusual but believable love story. Although different than how I met Jan, this novel is about love and romance that, on the surface, should never have happened. Lila, homeless and alone after years of roaming the countryside, steps inside a small-town Iowa church – the only available shelter from the rain- ignites a romance and a debate that will reshape her life. She becomes the wife of a minister, John Ames, and begins a new existence while trying to make sense of the life that preceded her newfound security.

Lila is the third novel in the Gilead series. Previously I read Home, the second in the series, and Jack, the fourth. I highly recommend all three books.

Hopefully, one day I will read the Gilead and complete the series.

The Goodreads summary of the book provides an excellent overview.

Neglected as a toddler, Lila was rescued by Doll, a canny young drifter, and brought up by her in a hardscrabble childhood. Together they crafted a life on the run, living hand to mouth with nothing but their sisterly bond and a ragged blade to protect them. Despite bouts of petty violence and moments of desperation, their shared life was laced with moments of joy and love. When Lila arrives in Gilead, she struggles to reconcile the life of her makeshift family and their days of hardship with the gentle Christian worldview of her husband which paradoxically judges those she loves.

Revisiting the beloved characters and setting of Robinson’s Pulitzer Prize-winning Gilead and Home, a National Book Award finalist, Lila is a moving expression of the mysteries of existence that is destined to become an American classic.

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