A Day of Fear and Hope

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes, 30 seconds

April 2, 2021, The Day
I Almost Lost Jan!

Following numerous sleepless nights, I experienced an overwhelming sense of mental and physical exhaustion. My body was weary, and I could not provide my wife, Jan, with the necessary assistance to get to the bathroom. The constant strain had also left my back in excruciating pain. Although the county police had been kind enough to aid us overnight, Jan was reluctant to seek help from our son, Mike. Faced with no other option, I took the initiative to contact Mike without seeking Jan’s approval.

When Mike and Elyssa arrived, they immediately expressed concern for their mother’s well-being. “Mom, are you okay? We’re here to help you,” they said in unison. I quickly fetched a wooden chair with no-scrape patches nearby, as the physical therapist had previously used it for exercises. This chair might be helpful for you to get to the toilet,” I suggested to their mother, hoping to provide some comfort and assistance during this difficult time.

They helped her into the chair and smoothly glided across the polished wooden floor like an iceboat. “Her urine is full of blood,” Mike said. 

As Elyssa desperately needed assistance, I quickly informed her that the visiting nurse was scheduled to arrive in a few hours. However, she could not wait that long and exclaimed, “We need her now.” Without wasting any time, I handed her my iPhone and showed her the number for the visiting nurse. Elyssa swiftly stepped into the hallway to make the call, her face etched with worry and anxiety.

As I winced in pain, I received some good news: the Visiting Nurse was on her way. Even though she had an appointment, she rescheduled it so she could come immediately. I expressed my gratitude to Elyssa and gently rubbed my aching back. She asked if I wanted to sit down, but I mustered the courage to refuse and attempted to alleviate the discomfort by taking a few steps.

Mike rushed downstairs to answer the door as my iPhone rang through the house. It was the visiting nurse who was here to check on my health. “Ms. Lilien, let me take your vitals,” she said. As she worked, I felt a sudden, alarming tightness in my chest, causing me to gasp for air. For a moment, it seemed as if my very breathing had stopped.

As the nurse relayed Jan’s vital signs, her voice was urgent. “The patient’s blood pressure is dangerously low at 70 over 40, and her temperature is above 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Additionally, there is visible blood in her urine, indicating internal bleeding. Given these concerning symptoms, she must be hospitalized immediately to receive prompt medical attention.”

I reached for my iPhone urgently, knowing I had to contact her Oncologist immediately. With trembling fingers, I dialed his number and waited anxiously for him to answer. To my relief, Dr. Strair picked up on the first ring, and I immediately placed him on speakerphone. As I gave him a summary of the situation, the nurse provided the necessary details calmly and professionally, her voice steady despite the gravity of the situation. Together, we worked to ensure that Jan received the care she urgently required.

Dr. Strair‘s question was like a sudden bolt of lightning that illuminated the room. His words hung heavily in the air, punctuated by my racing heartbeat. “I agree she should go to the hospital,” he said, “but do you know what is in her advanced directive? You should read it and know what to do, as you might need to use it.” His tone was severe, and I could sense the gravity of the situation. My body shook uncontrollably as he spoke like an earthquake had torn our apartment. The thought of losing Jan, my everything, was almost too much to bear.

The nurse requested an ambulance. “Jan, going to the hospital is necessary,” Elyssa assured her.

Overlook Hospital

As we pulled into the hospital’s parking deck, I thanked Mike for driving me. I then requested his help reaching out to my family and friends, explaining that I couldn’t make the calls myself. “Can you and Jon make the calls? I can text you all the necessary details,” I asked. Mike kindly agreed, and I felt relieved knowing that my loved ones would be notified of my situation.

“Only one of you can stay,” said the triage nurse. Mike and Elyssa hugged me and left. I paced the narrow hallway, having not slept in forty hours. 

“I wasn’t aware that she had COVID,” said the triage nurse. “I’m sorry, but you cannot stay here.” 

“It’s important that you call Dr. Strair,” I said as I quickly jotted down his name and phone number on paper.

“Don’t worry. I’ll contact the doctor immediately,” the nurse replied.

“What about the bag that I brought with me?” I asked.

“I’ll make sure to deliver it to her,” assured the nurse.

I stumbled out of the emergency room and sent a text message to my sons, informing them that I could not stay with her. I was worried if I would ever see her again. 

After getting into the car, I called Rabbi Renee. Through my tears, I told her that Jan was in the ER and that she was very sick. The Rabbi asked for more information about what had happened, and I updated her as best as possible.

She assured me that she would update everyone at services that night and asked if there was anything she could do to help. I replied that I just needed Jan to stay alive and that any prayers for her recovery would be greatly appreciated.

As Jan’s Prius glided smoothly towards our home, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief that my wife was safe and unscathed. However, my mind was still preoccupied with the thought that I had almost lost Jan by delaying my call for help from my son. Our marriage had always been based on equality, but I now realized that my reluctance to take charge had almost cost us dearly.

I couldn’t help but think of the pizza dough I had seen tossed into the air earlier in the week. It was a perfect analogy to how I had been indecisive, unsure of what to do, and had let the situation spiral out of control. I had waited too long, not wanting to be seen as a man who made decisions for his wife, but in the end, it almost resulted in a tragedy.

Sitting in the passenger seat, I pondered my actions and inactions. I knew I had made a mistake by not calling for help earlier, but I also knew I had learned from my mistake. I had to be more decisive and proactive and not let my pride get in the way of doing what was right. Next time, I would know what to do and be ready to take charge if the situation demanded it.

After parking the car, I messaged my sons, family, and close friends to inform them of the situation.

Jan is currently at Overlook Hospital, and I just spoke to the emergency room physician. According to him, she is in critical condition with a blood pressure reading of 70 over 40 and a temperature of 100. Due to her ongoing battle with Covid, I could not stay with her. She will be admitted to the ICU, and I will keep you updated on her condition as I receive more information. 

Friday, April 2, 4 PM

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Reluctantly Home

Read: June 2022

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Reluctantly Home

by Imogen Clark

Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark is about dealing with the past—and finally facing the future-a topic that was appealing to me. Thirteen months into my grief journey, I live between a perfect past and an unknowable future. Will Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark help me manage these two worlds?

Surprisingly it did. Unlike the two protagonists, I am mourning losing Jan, the love of my life. However, the neuromapping in my brain made it impossible to understand how to continue to love Jan and separate that from the time and space connections that made me believe she would return at any moment.

Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark helped me understand that grief should and cannot define us forever. I recommend this book to all readers, not only those on a grief journey like mine.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Pip Appleby seems to have it all, with her prestigious job as a human rights lawyer and her enviable London home. But then a tragic accident stops her life in its tracks, and everything changes instantly. Retreating to her family’s rural farm and the humble origins she has been trying to hide, Pip is haunted by what she has done.

When she discovers the diary of actress Evelyn Mountcastle in a box of old books, Pip revels in the opportunity to lose herself in someone else’s life rather than focus on the disaster that is her own. But soon, she sees parallels—Evelyn’s life was also beset by tragedy, and, like Pip, she returned to Southwold under a dark cloud.

When Pip and Evelyn’s paths cross in real life, they slowly begin to reveal the hidden stories holding them back. Can they help each other forgive what happened in the past and, perhaps, find happiness in the future?


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Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow: A Novel

Read: July 2024

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Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow: A Novel

by Gabrielle Zevin

I delved into the pages of “Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow: A Novel” by Gabrielle Zevin. The narrative unfolds the lives of Sam and Sadie, two college friends who evolve into creative partners in video game design. Their journey is a tapestry of fame, joy, tragedy, duplicity, and a form of immortality, all woven into a unique love story that captivated me like no other.

This love story uniquely portrays the challenges and triumphs of a relationship in the context of their shared creative endeavors.

On a bitter-cold day in December of his junior year at Harvard, Sam Masur exits a subway car and sees Sadie Green amid the hordes of people waiting on the platform. He calls her name. For a moment, she pretends she hasn’t heard him, but then, she turns, and a game begins: a legendary collaboration that will launch them to stardom.

These friends, who have been close since childhood, take bold steps, borrow money, and seek favors. Even before they graduate from college, they have birthed their first blockbuster, Ichigo. In a blink, the world is at their feet. Sam and Sadie, not yet twenty-five, are shining with brilliance, success, and wealth. But these attributes can’t shield them from their emotional rollercoaster of creative aspirations and the heartbreaks that come with it.

Spanning thirty years, from Cambridge, Massachusetts, to Venice Beach, California, and lands in between and far beyond, Gabrielle Zevin‘s Tomorrow, Tomorrow, and Tomorrow provides a profound exploration of the diverse nature of identity, disability, failure, the redemptive possibilities in play, and above all, our deep-seated need to connect: to be loved and to love. It’s a journey that will make you reflect on your life and relationships.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!


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Read: February 2025

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Sun City by Tove Jansson

by Tove Jansson

Today, I began reading “Sun City” by Tove Jansson, translated by Thomas Teal. I found this book mentioned in Maya Chung‘s review in The Atlantic’s Book Briefings, and as an older man, it seemed like the perfect choice for me. In “The Summer Book” and “The True Deceiver,” as well as in her many short stories, Tove Jansson consistently explores the everyday lives of older adults.

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In Sun City, Jansson depicts these worlds in a group portrait of residents and employees at the Berkeley Arms in St. Petersburg, Florida. As the narrative moves from character to character, the characters move through an America riven by cultural divides, facing the death of its dream. The Berkeley Arms’s newest resident finds a place among the rocking chairs and endless chatter on the veranda while other residents long for past glories, mourning their losses and killing time. Meanwhile, one of their attendants, Bounty Joe, is eagerly awaiting a letter, or even just a postcard, alerting him to the imminent return of Jesus Christ. Nobody’s normal anymore,” the bartender says, “not the old geezers and not the newborn kids.”



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!


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Rejection: Fiction

Read: December 2024

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Rejection: Fiction

by Tony Tulathimutte

Today, I dove into Tony Tulathimutte‘s “Rejection: Fiction,” and I’m already captivated! This book was longlisted for the 2024 National Book Award in Fiction and named a New York Times Best Book of the Year. Tulathimutte, known for his award-winning work “Private Citizens,” weaves together a series of electrifying linked stories that keenly examine how rejection weaves its way into the lives and relationships of his deeply intertwined characters.

With sharp observations and outrageous humor, *Rejection* delves into the most sensitive issues of modern life. This collection of seven interconnected stories transitions smoothly between the personal crises of a complex cast of characters and the comic tragedies associated with sex, relationships, identity, and the internet.

In “The Feminist,” a young man’s passionate allyship turns into furious nihilism as he realizes, after thirty lonely years, that his efforts are not leading to romantic success or even getting laid; in “Pics,” a young woman’s unrequited crush spirals into obsession, systematically eroding her sense of self. “Ahegao; or, The Ballad of Sexual Repression,” depicts a shy late bloomer whose fumbling attempts at a first relationship result in a life-changing mistake. As these characters intersect through dating apps, social media feeds, dimly lit bars, and bedrooms, they reveal how our delusions can distort our desire for connection.

These brilliant satires examine the understated sorrows of rejection with a modern classic’s authority and a manifesto’s frenetic energy. Bold and unforgettable, Rejection is a striking mosaic that redefines what it means to face rejection from lovers, friends, society, and oneself.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!


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The Colony

Read: March 2025

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The Colony: A Novel

by Annika Norlin

Today, I explored “The Colony,” Annika Norlin‘s debut novel, which Alice E. Olsson has skillfully translated. This sensational bestseller from Sweden has captured the imagination of readers around the globe, with its rights sold in over a dozen countries and an exciting TV adaptation in the works. “The Colony,” has quickly become one of the most talked-about literary sensations since Fredrik Backman’s ‘A Man Called Ove.’

Winner of the Vi Literature Award and Swedish Radio’s Novel Prize, two of Sweden’s most prestigious literary awards, “The Colony” is a compelling portrayal of contemporary society and its alternatives.

Burned out from a demanding job and the hectic pace of city life, Emelie decides to spend a few days in the countryside. There, amidst the peaceful, green hills by the river, she encounters a mysterious group of seven people, each with personal stories marked by pain, alienation, and a longing to live differently. They are misfits in their ways, all led by the enigmatic and charismatic Sara.

How did they end up in this place? Are they content with the rigid roles assigned to them? And what happens when an outsider arrives, initially drawn to their alternative lifestyle, but inevitably disrupts their way of life?

A masterful blend of humor, emotion, unforgettable characters, and sharp social commentary, “The Colony” is a magnetic and deeply touching story about love, community, and our profound influence over one another.


Annika Norlin is a Swedish author, songwriter, and artist. She releases music under her name and through her projects, Säkert! and Hello Saferide. Her collection of short stories, “I See Everything You Do,” has been nominated for several awards. “The Colony” is her debut novel.

Alice E. Olsson is a literary translator, writer, and editor. She has served as the Cultural Affairs Adviser at the Embassy of Sweden in London and has received a fellowship and multiple grants from the Swedish Arts Council. Olsson was a nominee for the 2020 Peirene Stevns Translation Prize and the 2023 Bernard Shaw Prize.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!


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Read: January 2023

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Flight: A Novel

by Lynn Steger Strong

Flight: A Novel by Lynn Steger Strong is a novel about family, ambition, precarity, art, and desire, forming a decisive next step from a brilliant chronicler of our time. The book has been on my to-read list for a few months. A New Yorker Best Books of 2022, it seemed like a good start on my 2023 Goodreads Reading challenge. Flight is the first book I read in 2023. Last year I read seventy-four books, and each helped me with my grief journey.

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The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

It’s December twenty-second and siblings Henry, Kate, and Martin have converged with their spouses on Henry’s house in upstate New York. This is the first Christmas the siblings are without their mother, the first not at their mother’s Florida house. Over the course of the next three days, old resentments and instabilities arise as the siblings, with a gaggle of children afoot, attempt to perform familiar rituals, while also trying to decide what to do with their mother’s house, their sole inheritance. As tensions rise, the whole group is forced to come together unexpectedly when a local mother and daughter need help.

With the urgency and artfulness that cemented her previous novel Want as “a defining novel of our age” (Vulture), Strong once again turns her attention to the structural and systemic failings that are haunting Americans, but also to the ways in which family, friends, and strangers can support each other through the gaps


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