A Day of Fear and Hope

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes, 30 seconds

April 2, 2021, The Day
I Almost Lost Jan!

Following numerous sleepless nights, I experienced an overwhelming sense of mental and physical exhaustion. My body was weary, and I could not provide my wife, Jan, with the necessary assistance to get to the bathroom. The constant strain had also left my back in excruciating pain. Although the county police had been kind enough to aid us overnight, Jan was reluctant to seek help from our son, Mike. Faced with no other option, I took the initiative to contact Mike without seeking Jan’s approval.

When Mike and Elyssa arrived, they immediately expressed concern for their mother’s well-being. “Mom, are you okay? We’re here to help you,” they said in unison. I quickly fetched a wooden chair with no-scrape patches nearby, as the physical therapist had previously used it for exercises. This chair might be helpful for you to get to the toilet,” I suggested to their mother, hoping to provide some comfort and assistance during this difficult time.

They helped her into the chair and smoothly glided across the polished wooden floor like an iceboat. “Her urine is full of blood,” Mike said. 

As Elyssa desperately needed assistance, I quickly informed her that the visiting nurse was scheduled to arrive in a few hours. However, she could not wait that long and exclaimed, “We need her now.” Without wasting any time, I handed her my iPhone and showed her the number for the visiting nurse. Elyssa swiftly stepped into the hallway to make the call, her face etched with worry and anxiety.

As I winced in pain, I received some good news: the Visiting Nurse was on her way. Even though she had an appointment, she rescheduled it so she could come immediately. I expressed my gratitude to Elyssa and gently rubbed my aching back. She asked if I wanted to sit down, but I mustered the courage to refuse and attempted to alleviate the discomfort by taking a few steps.

Mike rushed downstairs to answer the door as my iPhone rang through the house. It was the visiting nurse who was here to check on my health. “Ms. Lilien, let me take your vitals,” she said. As she worked, I felt a sudden, alarming tightness in my chest, causing me to gasp for air. For a moment, it seemed as if my very breathing had stopped.

As the nurse relayed Jan’s vital signs, her voice was urgent. “The patient’s blood pressure is dangerously low at 70 over 40, and her temperature is above 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Additionally, there is visible blood in her urine, indicating internal bleeding. Given these concerning symptoms, she must be hospitalized immediately to receive prompt medical attention.”

I reached for my iPhone urgently, knowing I had to contact her Oncologist immediately. With trembling fingers, I dialed his number and waited anxiously for him to answer. To my relief, Dr. Strair picked up on the first ring, and I immediately placed him on speakerphone. As I gave him a summary of the situation, the nurse provided the necessary details calmly and professionally, her voice steady despite the gravity of the situation. Together, we worked to ensure that Jan received the care she urgently required.

Dr. Strair‘s question was like a sudden bolt of lightning that illuminated the room. His words hung heavily in the air, punctuated by my racing heartbeat. “I agree she should go to the hospital,” he said, “but do you know what is in her advanced directive? You should read it and know what to do, as you might need to use it.” His tone was severe, and I could sense the gravity of the situation. My body shook uncontrollably as he spoke like an earthquake had torn our apartment. The thought of losing Jan, my everything, was almost too much to bear.

The nurse requested an ambulance. “Jan, going to the hospital is necessary,” Elyssa assured her.

Overlook Hospital

As we pulled into the hospital’s parking deck, I thanked Mike for driving me. I then requested his help reaching out to my family and friends, explaining that I couldn’t make the calls myself. “Can you and Jon make the calls? I can text you all the necessary details,” I asked. Mike kindly agreed, and I felt relieved knowing that my loved ones would be notified of my situation.

“Only one of you can stay,” said the triage nurse. Mike and Elyssa hugged me and left. I paced the narrow hallway, having not slept in forty hours. 

“I wasn’t aware that she had COVID,” said the triage nurse. “I’m sorry, but you cannot stay here.” 

“It’s important that you call Dr. Strair,” I said as I quickly jotted down his name and phone number on paper.

“Don’t worry. I’ll contact the doctor immediately,” the nurse replied.

“What about the bag that I brought with me?” I asked.

“I’ll make sure to deliver it to her,” assured the nurse.

I stumbled out of the emergency room and sent a text message to my sons, informing them that I could not stay with her. I was worried if I would ever see her again. 

After getting into the car, I called Rabbi Renee. Through my tears, I told her that Jan was in the ER and that she was very sick. The Rabbi asked for more information about what had happened, and I updated her as best as possible.

She assured me that she would update everyone at services that night and asked if there was anything she could do to help. I replied that I just needed Jan to stay alive and that any prayers for her recovery would be greatly appreciated.

As Jan’s Prius glided smoothly towards our home, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief that my wife was safe and unscathed. However, my mind was still preoccupied with the thought that I had almost lost Jan by delaying my call for help from my son. Our marriage had always been based on equality, but I now realized that my reluctance to take charge had almost cost us dearly.

I couldn’t help but think of the pizza dough I had seen tossed into the air earlier in the week. It was a perfect analogy to how I had been indecisive, unsure of what to do, and had let the situation spiral out of control. I had waited too long, not wanting to be seen as a man who made decisions for his wife, but in the end, it almost resulted in a tragedy.

Sitting in the passenger seat, I pondered my actions and inactions. I knew I had made a mistake by not calling for help earlier, but I also knew I had learned from my mistake. I had to be more decisive and proactive and not let my pride get in the way of doing what was right. Next time, I would know what to do and be ready to take charge if the situation demanded it.

After parking the car, I messaged my sons, family, and close friends to inform them of the situation.

Jan is currently at Overlook Hospital, and I just spoke to the emergency room physician. According to him, she is in critical condition with a blood pressure reading of 70 over 40 and a temperature of 100. Due to her ongoing battle with Covid, I could not stay with her. She will be admitted to the ICU, and I will keep you updated on her condition as I receive more information. 

Friday, April 2, 4 PM

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The Garden of Letters

Read: June 2021

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The Garden of Letters

by son Richman

The Garden of Letters by Alyson Richman was one of the first books I read after Jan died. It was the perfect love story to read after the loss of the love of my life. The love Jan and I shared was because we shared a portion of the soul of the other, and thus we were meant for each other from day one. 

The two primary characters – Elodie Bertolotti and Angelo Rosselli – resonated with me as they were also people who shared souls. The book “captures the hope, suspense, and romance of an uncertain era, in an epic intertwining story of first love, great tragedy, and spectacular bravery.

As I turned every page, the story filled my heart with love and happiness as it reminded me of the love that Jan and I shared.

Portofino, Italy, 1943. A young woman steps off a boat in a scenic coastal village. Although she knows how to disappear in a crowd, Elodie is too terrified to slip by the German officers while carrying her poorly forged identity papers. She is frozen until a man she’s never met before claims to know her. In desperate need of shelter, Elodie follows him back to his home on the cliffs of Portofino.

Only months before, Elodie Bertolotti was a cello prodigy in Verona, unconcerned with world events. But when Mussolini’s Fascist regime strikes her family, Elodie is drawn into the burgeoning resistance movement by Luca, a young and passionate bookseller. As the occupation looms, she discovers that her unique musical talents, and her courage, have the power to save lives.

In Portofino, young doctor Angelo Rosselli gives the frightened and exhausted girl sanctuary. He is a man with painful secrets of his own, haunted by guilt and remorse. But Elodie’s arrival has the power to awaken a sense of hope that Angelo thought was lost to him forever.

I not only recommend this book, but I am also looking forward to reading more of her novels.

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Scarlet Carnation: A Novel

Read: March 2022

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Scarlet Carnation: A Novel

by Laila Ibrahim

Scarlet Carnation: A Novel by Laila Ibrahim is a book I enjoyed reading. Having read this book, I am now a fan of Laila Ibrahim and look forward to reading more of her novels. In addition, I am a fan of historical fiction, and this is one of the best I have read about the second decade of the twentieth century.

May and Naomi are related, but their lives are very relatable to the reader. The promises of equality and transformation of women’s roles resonate even now. Bringing together the myriad issues they confront – racism, shaming for decisions they made, peace, and the interlocking of their families from a plantation, make this a book that I highly recommend.

The only observation was my shock at reading that they were petitioning President Coolidge at the start of WW I. It is a minor issue as the story flows strongly from the first to the last page.

The Goodreads overview highlights the narrative of the book.

In an early twentieth-century America roiling with racial injustice, class divides, and WWI, two women fight for their dreams in a galvanizing novel by the bestselling author of Golden Poppies. 1915. May and Naomi are extended families, their grandmothers’ lives inseparably entwined on a Virginia plantation in the volatile time leading up to the Civil War. For both women, the twentieth century promises social transformation and equal opportunity.

May, a young white woman, is on the brink of achieving the independent life she’s dreamed of since childhood. Naomi, a nurse, mother, and leader of the NAACP, has fulfilled her own dearest desire: buying a home for her family. But they both are about to learn that dreams can be destroyed in an instant. May’s future is upended, and she is forced to rely once again on her mother. Meanwhile, the white-majority neighborhood into which Naomi has moved is organizing against her while her sons are away fighting for their country.

In the tumult of a changing nation, these two women—whose grandmothers survived the Civil War—support each other’s quest for liberation and dignity. Both find the strength to confront injustice and the faith to thrive on their chosen paths.

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Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories

Read: December 2022

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Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories

by Meng Jin

Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories by Meng Jin was written during the turbulent years of the Trump administration and the first year of the pandemic, these stories explore intimacy and isolation, coming of age, and coming to terms with the repercussions of past mistakes, fraying relationships, and surprising moments of connection. I highly recommend Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories!

Each story speaks so clearly to the loneliness epidemic that confronts our world. I would read one short story and promise to stop and wait until another day to read the next one. Instead

One phrase that will always remain with me is: “The hallucinatory quality of grief.” As a widow, the phrase struck a chord that will forever resonate in my soul.

This is the seventy-third book I have read this year.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Meng Jin’s critically acclaimed debut novel, Little Gods, was praised as “spectacular and emotionally polyphonic (Omar El-Akkad, BookPage), “powerful” (Washington Post), and “meticulously observed, daringly imagined” (Claire Messud). Jin turns her considerable talents into short fiction in ten thematically linked stories.

Moving between San Francisco and China, and from unsparing realism to genre-bending delight, Self-Portrait with Ghost considers what it means to live in an age of heightened self-consciousness, seemingly unlimited access to knowledge, and little actual power.

Page-turning, thought-provoking, and wholly unique, Self-Portrait with Ghost further establishes Meng Jin as a writer who “reminds us that possible explanations in our universe are as varied as the beings who populate it” (Paris Review).


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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What's Mine and Yours

Read: February 2022

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What’s Mine and Yours

by Naima Coster

What’s Mine and Yours by Naima Coster is one of the best books I have read in the last few years. At this moment in my life, family means more than ever. This book explores how families can collapse and find ways to reunite. Although my life circumstances are the polar opposite of the protagonists, the book’s central themes resonated with me.

The focus on integration in this Millenium is a subject that needs to be discussed openly and honestly. The racist response of some of the parents is told in a way that clarifies the pain that that can cause.

Even the parents who favor integration have their flaws, which are passed on to their children.

The children, especially Noelle and Gee, oppose their parent’s actions. The sins of their parents are sowed upon them as well.

I have placed this book on my list of novels for reading later this year or n 2023. Its themes are so strong that a second reading is required to engage with its multiple levels fully.

This is a Goodreads summary.

A community in the Piedmont of North Carolina rises in outrage as a county initiative draws students from the primarily Black east side of town into predominantly white high schools on the west. For two students, Gee and Noelle, the integration sets off a chain of events that will tie their two families together in unexpected ways over the next twenty years.

The debate is Jade, Gee’s steely, ambitious mother, on one side of the integration. In the aftermath of a severe loss, she is determined to give her son the tools he’ll need to survive in America as a sensitive, anxious, young Black man. On the other side is Noelle’s headstrong mother, Lacey May, a white woman who refuses to see her half-Latina daughters as anything but white. She strives to protect them as she couldn’t protect herself from the influence of their charming but unreliable father, Robbie.

When Gee and Noelle join the school play meant to bridge the divide between new and old students, their paths collide, and their two seemingly disconnected families begin to form deeply knotted, messy ties that will shape the trajectory of their adult lives. And their mothers-each determined to see her child inherit a better life-will make choices that will haunt them for decades to come.

As love is built and lost, and the past never too far behind, What’s Mine and Yours is an expansive, vibrant tapestry that moves between the years, from the foothills of North Carolina to Atlanta, Los Angeles, and Paris. It explores every family’s unique organism: what breaks them apart and how they come back together.

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Kairos

Read: June 2023

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Kairos by Jenny Erpenbeck

by Jenny Erpenbeck

I’ve recently delved into the captivating novel Kairos by Jenny Erpenbeck, which has left a lasting impression on me. The book tells the story of a young woman named Katharina who falls in love with a married writer named Hans, whom she met in East Berlin during the late 1980s. The historical context of Germany’s reunification is already an intriguing topic, but the addition of a love story made this book a must-read.

As their intense and complicated relationship plays out against the backdrop of a declining GDR, the novel offers a unique perspective on the tumultuous period following the country’s dissolution in 1989. Erpenbeck’s writing style is unmistakable, and her sweeping portrayal of the two lovers’ journey is truly remarkable. We witness Katharina’s growth as she tries to reconcile the reality of her lousy romance with the disappearance of an entire world and its ideologies.

The Times Literary Supplement has praised Erpenbeck’s ability to capture the weight of history and the influence of cultural and subjective memory on individual identity. Her work acknowledges the complexity of the human experience and the nuances of historical events.

Jenny Erpenbeck is an epic storyteller and a highly respected voice in contemporary German literature. Her translator, Michael Hofmann, has described Kairos as a great post-Unification novel, and his translation has been praised for being both faithful to the original text and beautifully written. I highly recommend this book to anyone seeking a thought-provoking and engaging read.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Sarah's Key

Read: January 2022

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Sarah’s Key

by Tatiana de Rosnay

Sarah’s Key by Tatiana de Rosnay is the untold story of the roundup of the Jews in Paris in July 1942. The novel focuses on how the French were complicit in rounding up thousands of Jews in 1942. It is also a reminder that we can never allow another genocide. I finished this book the day before Holocaust Remembrance Day, January 27, the date on which the Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration and death camp complex was liberated in 1945.

Ten-year-old Sarah is brutally arrested with her family in the Vel’ d’Hiv’ roundup, the most notorious act of French collaboration with the Nazis. But before the police come to take them, Sarah locks her younger brother, Michel, in their favorite hiding place, a cupboard in the family’s apartment. She keeps the key, thinking she will be back within a few hours.

Paris, May 2002: On Vel’ d’Hiv’s sixtieth anniversary, Julia Jarmond, an American journalist, is asked by her Paris-based American magazine to write an article about this black day in France’s past. Julia has lived in Paris for nearly twenty-five years and married a Frenchman, and she is shocked both by her ignorance about the event and the silence that still surrounds it.

The twin narratives of Sarah and Julia hold the first two-thirds of the book together and make it a page-turner. Sarah’s memory reminds us during the final third of the book and ensures that the complete story of the Vel’ d’Hiv’ roundup and its lasting impact are told.

As Goodreads describes the novel,

In the course of her investigation, she stumbles onto a trail of long-hidden family secrets that connects her to Sarah. Julia finds herself compelled to retrace the girl’s ordeal, from the terrible days spent shut in at the Vel’ d’Hiv’ to the camps and beyond. As she probes into Sarah’s past, she begins to question her own place in France and to reevaluate her marriage and her life.

Writing about the fate of her country with a pitiless clarity, Tatiana de Rosnay offers us a brilliantly subtle, compelling portrait of France under occupation and reveals the taboos and denial surrounding this painful episode in French history.

I highly recommend the book.

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