A Day of Fear and Hope

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes, 30 seconds

April 2, 2021, The Day
I Almost Lost Jan!

Following numerous sleepless nights, I experienced an overwhelming sense of mental and physical exhaustion. My body was weary, and I could not provide my wife, Jan, with the necessary assistance to get to the bathroom. The constant strain had also left my back in excruciating pain. Although the county police had been kind enough to aid us overnight, Jan was reluctant to seek help from our son, Mike. Faced with no other option, I took the initiative to contact Mike without seeking Jan’s approval.

When Mike and Elyssa arrived, they immediately expressed concern for their mother’s well-being. “Mom, are you okay? We’re here to help you,” they said in unison. I quickly fetched a wooden chair with no-scrape patches nearby, as the physical therapist had previously used it for exercises. This chair might be helpful for you to get to the toilet,” I suggested to their mother, hoping to provide some comfort and assistance during this difficult time.

They helped her into the chair and smoothly glided across the polished wooden floor like an iceboat. “Her urine is full of blood,” Mike said. 

As Elyssa desperately needed assistance, I quickly informed her that the visiting nurse was scheduled to arrive in a few hours. However, she could not wait that long and exclaimed, “We need her now.” Without wasting any time, I handed her my iPhone and showed her the number for the visiting nurse. Elyssa swiftly stepped into the hallway to make the call, her face etched with worry and anxiety.

As I winced in pain, I received some good news: the Visiting Nurse was on her way. Even though she had an appointment, she rescheduled it so she could come immediately. I expressed my gratitude to Elyssa and gently rubbed my aching back. She asked if I wanted to sit down, but I mustered the courage to refuse and attempted to alleviate the discomfort by taking a few steps.

Mike rushed downstairs to answer the door as my iPhone rang through the house. It was the visiting nurse who was here to check on my health. “Ms. Lilien, let me take your vitals,” she said. As she worked, I felt a sudden, alarming tightness in my chest, causing me to gasp for air. For a moment, it seemed as if my very breathing had stopped.

As the nurse relayed Jan’s vital signs, her voice was urgent. “The patient’s blood pressure is dangerously low at 70 over 40, and her temperature is above 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Additionally, there is visible blood in her urine, indicating internal bleeding. Given these concerning symptoms, she must be hospitalized immediately to receive prompt medical attention.”

I reached for my iPhone urgently, knowing I had to contact her Oncologist immediately. With trembling fingers, I dialed his number and waited anxiously for him to answer. To my relief, Dr. Strair picked up on the first ring, and I immediately placed him on speakerphone. As I gave him a summary of the situation, the nurse provided the necessary details calmly and professionally, her voice steady despite the gravity of the situation. Together, we worked to ensure that Jan received the care she urgently required.

Dr. Strair‘s question was like a sudden bolt of lightning that illuminated the room. His words hung heavily in the air, punctuated by my racing heartbeat. “I agree she should go to the hospital,” he said, “but do you know what is in her advanced directive? You should read it and know what to do, as you might need to use it.” His tone was severe, and I could sense the gravity of the situation. My body shook uncontrollably as he spoke like an earthquake had torn our apartment. The thought of losing Jan, my everything, was almost too much to bear.

The nurse requested an ambulance. “Jan, going to the hospital is necessary,” Elyssa assured her.

Overlook Hospital

As we pulled into the hospital’s parking deck, I thanked Mike for driving me. I then requested his help reaching out to my family and friends, explaining that I couldn’t make the calls myself. “Can you and Jon make the calls? I can text you all the necessary details,” I asked. Mike kindly agreed, and I felt relieved knowing that my loved ones would be notified of my situation.

“Only one of you can stay,” said the triage nurse. Mike and Elyssa hugged me and left. I paced the narrow hallway, having not slept in forty hours. 

“I wasn’t aware that she had COVID,” said the triage nurse. “I’m sorry, but you cannot stay here.” 

“It’s important that you call Dr. Strair,” I said as I quickly jotted down his name and phone number on paper.

“Don’t worry. I’ll contact the doctor immediately,” the nurse replied.

“What about the bag that I brought with me?” I asked.

“I’ll make sure to deliver it to her,” assured the nurse.

I stumbled out of the emergency room and sent a text message to my sons, informing them that I could not stay with her. I was worried if I would ever see her again. 

After getting into the car, I called Rabbi Renee. Through my tears, I told her that Jan was in the ER and that she was very sick. The Rabbi asked for more information about what had happened, and I updated her as best as possible.

She assured me that she would update everyone at services that night and asked if there was anything she could do to help. I replied that I just needed Jan to stay alive and that any prayers for her recovery would be greatly appreciated.

As Jan’s Prius glided smoothly towards our home, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief that my wife was safe and unscathed. However, my mind was still preoccupied with the thought that I had almost lost Jan by delaying my call for help from my son. Our marriage had always been based on equality, but I now realized that my reluctance to take charge had almost cost us dearly.

I couldn’t help but think of the pizza dough I had seen tossed into the air earlier in the week. It was a perfect analogy to how I had been indecisive, unsure of what to do, and had let the situation spiral out of control. I had waited too long, not wanting to be seen as a man who made decisions for his wife, but in the end, it almost resulted in a tragedy.

Sitting in the passenger seat, I pondered my actions and inactions. I knew I had made a mistake by not calling for help earlier, but I also knew I had learned from my mistake. I had to be more decisive and proactive and not let my pride get in the way of doing what was right. Next time, I would know what to do and be ready to take charge if the situation demanded it.

After parking the car, I messaged my sons, family, and close friends to inform them of the situation.

Jan is currently at Overlook Hospital, and I just spoke to the emergency room physician. According to him, she is in critical condition with a blood pressure reading of 70 over 40 and a temperature of 100. Due to her ongoing battle with Covid, I could not stay with her. She will be admitted to the ICU, and I will keep you updated on her condition as I receive more information. 

Friday, April 2, 4 PM

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Aftermirth

Read: August 2022

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Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan

by Hillary Jordan

Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan is a book about grief as the two protagonists take a road trip that is a darkly funny journey of healing that takes them deep into the heart of their suffering and others, and then beyond it, to a place of peace and laughter. I had just finished reading When She Woke by Ms. Jordan and having enjoyed that book, reading a second one by the same author seemed reasonable.

When I selected this short novel to read, I questioned if it was a good choice for me.

I found it easier to read and, in some ways, helpful. It was like meeting fellow widows from my Zoom grief groups in person at Camp Widow. The ability to laugh about our loss and cry openly is essential to meeting fellow benefits.

Michael Larssen, the narrator, raised a question I have not and still do not want to consider. What if I am still alive, Jan was a great love but is not the love of my life?

“You can’t know that he was the love of your life, and do you know why? Because guess what, you aren’t dead yet. You may feel dead right now, and believe me I’ve been there, but the fact is, until you’re lying under a tombstone of your own you can’t be sure about anything. You could prick your finger on one of your roses tomorrow, and as you’re climbing the stairs to get a Band-Aid, you trip over one of the pugs and tumble to your death. Or you could meet a man in the checkout line at the grocery store–hell, you could meet a woman even and fall madly in love with her and end up with six kids and twenty grandkids. Michael looks over at Elena, then back at George. You just don’t know, George. That’s the thing. None of us does.”— Aftermirth (Kindle Single) by Hillary Jordan

Despite my anxiety about considering this disturbing question, I highly recommend Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

I stopped being funny the day my wife was electrocuted by her underwire bra.” So begins “Aftermirth,” a dark comedy that explores the absurdity of death through the eyes of thirty-one-year-old comedian, writer, and actor Michael Larssen. What is funny to the rest of the world is devastating to Michael, who loves his wife deeply, exceptionally her bright, rippling, abandoned laughter, which captivated him from the first time he heard it. In the aftermath of her death, he loses his sense of humor and his career.

Then, after two years of mourning her, he sees an article in the paper about a factory worker named Julio Santiago who fell into a giant vat of dough and was kneaded to death. For reasons Michael doesn’t understand, he decides to go to the man’s wake. There he meets and bonds with Julio’s twenty-nine-year-old daughter Elena, a law student who is reeling from her father’s unexpected and preposterous death.

Three months later, she calls him out of the blue and suggests that the two of them drive to North Carolina to speak with another survivor like themselves Elena has found on the Internet. Their road trip is a darkly funny journey of healing that takes them deep into the heart of their grief and others and then beyond it to a place of peace and laughter.


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Living With Loss, One Day at a Time

Read: September 2021

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Living With Loss, One Day at a Time

by Rachel Blythe Kodanaz

Living With Loss, One Day at a Time by Rachel Blythe Kodanaz is the book I would recommend for anyone beginning or in the early stages of grief. It should be on the griever’s nightstand so they can start and end their day with reading.

Ms. Kodanaz has presented at my bereavement groups and has been an inspiration. She encouraged me not only to continue writing but also to share my thoughts publicly.

Usually, I only write a review once I have finished the book. However, this is a collection of thoughts for each day of the journey. Over the first weekend, I read up to the number of days since my wife died. Now I will read the daily message each day. When I get to the end of the year, I will start over.

There are many essential gems in the daily readings. The one for Day 9, Love Never Dies, jumped off the page due to my writings on the same theme.

Love Never Dies. Your loved one has passed away, but the love you shared has not died. The memories you created, the connection you built together, and your affection toward one another will live forever.

Embrace the love and cherish the memories, as they will always be a part of you remain in your heart.

There are at least a dozen others that I have earmarked for future streams or even the basis of future posts.

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How to Love Your Daughter

Read: August 2023

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How to Love Your Daughter

by Hila Blum

I started reading a novel called “How to Love Your Daughter,” written by Hila Blum and translated by Daniella Zamir today. The book explores a complicated relationship between a mother and her grown daughter. It raises the question of how much harm we can do to our loved ones when love blinds us.

The story takes place thousands of miles away from home, where a woman finds herself peeking through well-lit windows at her two granddaughters. She has never met them before, as they are the daughters of her estranged daughter, whom she hasn’t seen in years.

The book’s central theme revolves around the woman’s attempt to understand how a once-loving relationship between her and her daughter ended up in such a distant and unfathomable state. The story shifts past and present as the woman unravels her memories and long-buried emotions. She tries to make sense of the seemingly insignificant moments of parental care that, combined, may have undermined what she valued most.

The author, Blum, skillfully delves into the complexities of family life, where a parent can easily cross the line between protectiveness and possession without even realizing it. The story leaves us wondering whether it’s possible ever to find our way back from such a point.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Secret Hours

Read: January 2024

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The Secret Hours

by Mick Herron

Today, I started reading “The Secret Hours” by Mick Herron, a gripping spy thriller about a disastrous MI5 mission in Cold War Berlin. This book is a must-read for fans of “Slow Horses.” “The Secret Hours” is a standalone spy thriller that is both unnerving and poignant yet also has laugh-out-loud moments. It is the breathtaking secret history that Slough House fans have been waiting for.

Two years ago, a hostile prime minister launched the Monochrome inquiry, which aimed to investigate “historical over-reaching” by the British Secret Service. Griselda Fleet and Malcolm Kyle, two civil servants seconded to the project, were given unfettered access to all confidential information in the Service archives to ferret any hint of misconduct by any MI5 officer.

However, MI5’s formidable First Desk did not become Britain’s top spy by accident, and she has successfully thwarted the inquiry at every turn. The administration that created Monochrome has been ousted, and the investigation is a total bust. Griselda and Malcolm are stuck watching as the pounding London rain washes away their career prospects.

On the eve of Monochrome’s shuttering, an MI5 case file appears without explanation. It is the buried history of a classified operation in 1994 Berlin, which ended in tragedy and scandal, whose cover-up has rewritten thirty years of Service history.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Regarding gifts made this month, I will match dollar for dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Way of Integrity

Read: February 2025

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The Way of Integrity

by Martha Beck

Today, I started reading Martha Beck‘s “The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self,” a book recommended by my friend Mark. I always appreciate receiving book recommendations from friends and readers of my blog. In her self-help book, Ms. Beck asserts, “Integrity is the cure for psychological suffering. Period.” This book will be invaluable during my early period of grief. I purchased the eBook from Bookshop and plan to do so.

Bestselling author, life coach, and sociologist Martha Beck explains why “integrity”—needed now more than ever in these tumultuous times—is the key to a meaningful and joyful life. As she writes,

This book, as you may have gleaned from the title, is all about integrity. But I don’t mean this in a moralizing sense. The word integrity has taken on a slightly prim, judgmental nuance in modern English, but the word comes from the Latin integer, meaning “intact.” To be in integrity is to be one thing, whole and undivided. When a plane is in integrity, all its millions of parts work together smoothly and cooperatively. If it loses integrity, it may stall, falter, or crash. There’s no judgment here. Just physics.

In The Way of Integrity, Beck presents a four-stage process that anyone can use to find integrity, a sense of purpose, emotional healing, and a life free of mental suffering. Many issues, such as people-pleasing, staying in stale relationships, and maintaining unhealthy habits, arise from a disconnection from what truly makes us feel complete.

Inspired by The Divine Comedy, Beck uses Dante’s classic hero’s journey as a framework to break down the process of attaining personal integrity into small, manageable steps. She shows how to read the internal signals that lead us toward our true path and recognize what we yearn for versus what our culture sells us.

With techniques tested on hundreds of her clients, Beck brings her expertise as a social scientist, life coach, and human being to help readers uncover what integrity looks like in their lives. She takes us on a spiritual adventure that will change the direction of our lives and bring us to a place of genuine happiness.

Other books I have read with a similar theme, which I also recommend, include Man’s Search for Meaning, Climbing the Second Mountain, and The Pursuit of Happiness.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!


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Jack: A Novel

Read: March 2022

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Jack: A Novel

by Marilynne Robinson

Jack: A Novel by Marilynne Robinson is the second book in this series I have read. Previously I read,  Home, and now I have read the fourth. Without Jan by my side, I read more but not always in order. Fortunately, Jack appears in Home at a later point than is covered in this novel. That provided an understanding of the next phase of Jack and Della’s relationship.

I very much enjoyed reading this novel. Although Jan and I fell in love without all of the complexities of this couple, there were enough similarities that reminded me of how special our love was and remains. For example, our long conversations, many of which were while we walked, are reminiscent of the novel.

I highly recommend this novel. One of the reviews suggested that the next volume should be about Della. I will read that book before the ink drys.

Goodreads provides an overview.

In this book, Robinson tells the story of John Ames Boughton, the prodigal son of Gilead’s Presbyterian minister, and his romance with Della Miles, a high school teacher who is also the child of a preacher. They’re deeply felt, tormented, star-crossed interracial romance resonates with all the paradoxes of American life, then and now.

Marilynne Robinson’s mythical world of Gilead, Iowa—the setting of her novels Gilead, Home, and Lila, and now Jack—and its beloved characters have illuminated and interrogated the complexities of American history, the power of our emotions, and the wonders of a sacred world.

Robinson’s Gilead novels, which have won one Pulitzer Prize and two National Book Critics Circle Awards, are vital to contemporary American literature and a revelation of our national character and humanity.

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