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Learning From Grief

Estimated reading time: 16 minutes, 33 seconds
Visiting Jan During COVID

Visiting Jan During COVID

Knowing What Needs to be Done and Doing It Are Not the Same

I held the cold cup of milkshake from Cranford Vanilla Bean Creamery, looking over at my wife, Jan, who sat beside me in the hospital room. The milkshake tasted terrific, but Jan had already expressed that she couldn’t drink. Trying to conceal my emotions, I observed her closely, knowing what would happen at 3 pm today. We were sitting in the familiar Overlook Hospital, a place I knew so well that I could navigate without asking for directions. Visitors even came to me for help. It was a reality I never imagined that my beloved wife would fall ill and that we would spend so much time in hospitals. Due to the COVID-19 restrictions, I couldn’t leave the room, so I offered to call the nurses’ station. Waiting was the only option, forcing me to chat with Jan as if everything would be OK. Despite the hard truth I knew, she did not.

Jan Lilien and Richard W. Brown, Wedding Day, August 9, 1975
Jan Lilien and Richard W. Brown, Wedding Day, August 9, 1975

In 1975, I married Jan and committed never to keep secrets from her consciously. Trust and honesty were the foundation of our relationship. However, there was one instance where I almost didn’t tell her the truth. Our older son, Jon, had planned a surprise visit for her 60th birthday party, and I didn’t want to ruin it. It was a moment of weakness, and I felt guilty about it, but I also knew how happy she would be to have both of her sons home. I knew that keeping secrets could lead to a breach of trust and harm our relationship.

But unlike that instance, it was not easy for me to keep a secret from her when we found out that there were no more options available to treat her Lymphoma and COVID. It felt like I was carrying a massive weight, and it was challenging not to tell her the truth. Whenever I looked at her, I realized that our time together was limited, and keeping such a big secret from her was painful. However, I knew it was necessary to wait until the arrival of my sons, Rabbi Renee and Dr. Saksena. It was a difficult time, but we found strength in each other and made the most of every moment.

The Previous Night – April 6, 2021

Three days ago, my wife Jan underwent emergency stent surgery, and I rushed to the hospital to visit her in the Intensive Care Unit. The previous three nights were a nightmare for me as I had stayed up all night, worried sick that I might lose her. However, in a miraculous turn of events, Jan underwent a midnight stent surgery that gave me the confidence that we had finally turned the corner. When I saw her at the hospital, I was relieved to find that she was no longer in pain and was her usual vibrant and engaging self. Although I was too exhausted to stand, I leaned in and kissed her lips, feeling the warmth of her love and the promise of her speedy recovery. Despite the challenges ahead, I was optimistic and determined to help her get back on her feet and recover as quickly as possible.

Last weekend, my eldest son, Jon, arrived from Portland, Oregon, on Saturday night. We had breakfast the following day before he left to see his mother. During our conversation, I expressed my concerns about Jan’s health, saying how weak she looked when she was last released and how much I was struggling to provide her with the necessary help. Jon listened attentively and agreed that we might need to explore other options, such as rehab or more intensive physical therapy at home.

After breakfast, I suggested scheduling a group call with Dr. Strair, one of her two oncologists, to discuss Jan’s health and explore possible treatment options. By including my sons in the call, we could all be on the same page and better able to help their mom recover fully.

Grateful for Jan's Love
Grateful for Jan’s Love

As I visited Jan, I noticed she was becoming more robust, so I postponed contacting Dr. Strair. However, Dr. Saksena visited Jan today and said, “I’m sorry you’re back in the hospital, but the stent has made a difference. How are you feeling today?”

Jan shook her head up, down, and sideways, then replied, “I’m OK, just extremely tired of being in the hospital and worried about the lymphoma returning.

Dr. Saksena tried to comfort her by saying, “We’re in touch with Dr. Strair and his team, and we’re monitoring it constantly.”

Jan then asked, “How aggressive is it?”

Dr. Saksena replied, “It’s not where we would like it to be, but we’re exploring various treatment options.”

After hearing this, I realized I couldn’t postpone speaking with Dr. Strair any longer. I immediately texted him while my wife was napping in the hospital. I informed him that I was at the hospital with Jan and shared the details of Dr. Saksena’s visit. Jan asked if she would survive, and Dr. Saksena gave a realistic response. I then asked Dr. Strair when we could speak that evening. My main goal was to connect my sons to the call as soon as possible to get everyone on the same page.

Dr. Strair responded quickly, suggesting 7:30 pm that evening, which I agreed to. I then texted Jon and Mike to inform them of the details.

The Call with Dr. Strair – April 7, 2021

Walking towards the parking deck, I felt optimistic even though the Lymphoma had returned. I called Mike first, and he said he and Jon would step out onto his deck and join the call on the speakerphone since they were together.

As I eased my car out of the parking deck and started driving, I explained to Mike and Jon that I needed to pull over to the side of the road to call Dr. Strair. Dr. Strair answered my call on the second ring, and I introduced Mike and Jon to him.

I explained to Dr. Strair that we wanted to discuss the next steps in treating Jan’s Lymphoma and how to ensure her subsequent discharge goes smoothly. Dr. Strair welcomed all of us to the call and got straight to the point. He explained that they couldn’t effectively treat Jan’s Lymphoma due to COVID-19, and the Lymphoma prevented them from treating COVID-19. He stated that her Lymphoma was very aggressive, and they had tried three treatments, but the efficacy of each new treatment had declined. Dr. Strair said there was little they could do even without COVID-19.

As Jan’s Prius turned onto Shunpike, Dr. Strair paused momentarily. He then explained that the only option left for Janice was hospice. Jon asked if there was no other option, to which Dr. Strair replied no. Mike then asked how long Jan had left, and Dr. Strair suspected that she only had a few weeks to live.

Despite the tough conversation, we continued until the car reached its parking space. I thanked Dr. Strair for his honesty before the car parked itself and ended the call. I knew I needed to leave the car, but my legs felt like rubber. Suddenly, my iPhone rang, and it was Mike, saying he and Jon were on their way to be with me, “You should not be alone after hearing this news.

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The Rest Is Memory: A Novel

Read: January 2025

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The Rest Is Memory: A Novel

Today, I dove into “The Rest Is Memory: A Novel” by Lily Tuck, and it’s already leaving a powerful impression. This poignant tale follows a young Catholic girl’s harrowing journey to Auschwitz, woven in a captivating Rashomon-style narrative showcasing Tuck’s brilliance as a storyteller. Esquire has rightly placed it on their list of Best Books for Fall 2024, and I can see why.

In Tuck‘s skilled hands, “The Rest Is Memory” transforms into an unforgettable piece of historical reclamation, breathing life into an innocent soul who has long been remembered only through a haunting triptych of photographs. It’s a journey that promises to linger in my thoughts long after I’ve turned the last page.

In this mesmerizing novel by Lily Tuck, we first glimpse fourteen-year-old Czeslawa riding on the back of a boy’s motorcycle. Tuck imagines Czeslawa’s upbringing in a small Polish village before her world imploded in late 1942. Stripped of her modest belongings, she arrives at Auschwitz shorn and bearing the tattoo number 26947. Shortly after, she is photographed. Three months later, she is dead.

How did this happen to an ordinary Polish citizen? This is the question Tuck grapples with in this haunting narrative, which frames Czeslawa’s story within the tragic context of the six million Poles who perished during the German occupation. A decade before writing The Rest Is Memory“, Tuck read an obituary of the photographer Wilhelm Brasse, who took over 40,000 pictures of Auschwitz prisoners—including three of Czeslawa Kwoka, a Catholic girl from rural southeastern Poland. Tuck cut out these photos and kept them, determined to learn more about Czeslawa. However, she could only gather the barest facts: the village she came from, the transport she was on, that she was accompanied by her mother and neighbors, her tattoo number, and the date of her death. Tuck crafts a remarkable kaleidoscope of imagination from this scant evidence, something only our greatest novelists can achieve.

Susanna Moore described the novel as “Beautifully written, all the while instilling a sense of horror.” Tuck’s language swirls around the reader, yet no word is out of place. The subtly rotating images tumble forth, accelerating as we learn about Czeslawa’s tragic time in Auschwitz, as well as the lives of real individuals, including the brutal Commandant Rudolf Höss, his unconscionable wife Hedwig, psychiatrist and child rescuer Janusz Korczak, and the sharp Polish short story writer Tadeusz Borowski. Although we know Czeslawa’s fate, we must keep turning the pages, thoroughly captivated by Tuck’s nearly otherworldly prose.

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A Game Called Dead

Read: November 2021

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A Game Called Dead

by Michael Stephen Daigle

A Game Called Dead by Michael Stephen Daigle is the sequel to “The Swamps of Jersey,” the first Frank Nagler Mystery. Having read the fourth one – The Red Hand, I recently read the first one and thought this was an excellent time to read the second in this impressive deceptive series.

Reading the Frank Nagler Mysteries is rare when this reviewer knows the author. Mr. Daigle wrote this is the overview of A Game Called Dead.

Nagler is called to investigate the brutal attack on two women at the local college. It begins a tale of urban terror, which seems to be directed at Nagler and his associates.

The story introduces the mysterious terrorist #ARMEGEDDON, who taunted the police from cyberspace.

The story also digs deeper into Nagler’s past, especially the old Charlie Adams serial-killer case, and his relationship with Lauren Fox, who played a crucial role in exposing the political corruption in “Swamps.” She is back and steps into the front of Nagler’s life.

The story also introduced Harriet Waddley-Jones, a college dean, Nagler’s nemesis, and later ally.

Each book is a challenge to write a “better” book. In this case, I wanted tighter, faster action to develop a theme and flow to help carry the story. Sound and the description of sound are keys.

I also wanted Nagler to confront aspects of his past. Can he reconcile them, or will they always haunt him?

This reviewer’s opinion was a more substantial plot than the first book in the Frank Nagler Mysteries. Like all good mysteries, the suspense built page by page, and I figured out who the villain was late in the novel.

The one part that was difficult for me to read was the ending and the potential reigniting of the relationship with Lauren Fox. Having lost Jan, my wife, this year, I am aware of Frank Nagler’s pain in the first book about losing his wife. Ms. Fox only appeared in The Swamps of Jersey as a lost friend. I understand that some widows need to find love again to feel happy, which is not what I need or am seeking. The next book may provide some difficult moments on this topic, but I look forward to reading the next Frank Nagler Mystery.

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O Beautiful A Novel

Read: March 2023

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O Beautiful: A Novel

by Jung Yun

O Beautiful: A Novel by Jung Yun, the critically acclaimed author of Shelter, has written an unflinching portrayal of a woman trying to come to terms with the ghosts of her past and the tortured realities of a deeply divided America. With spare and graceful prose, O Beautiful presents an immersive portrait of a community rife with tensions, competing interests, and one woman’s attempts to reconcile her anger with her love of beautiful but troubled land. I highly recommend O Beautiful!

I finished reading O Beautiful on International Women’s Day. It might have been coincidental, but in my humble opinion, it was the perfect book to read on this important day. Ms. Yun has written a novel that touches on the intersectionality of the core issues of our divided land. The misogyny, the racism, and the impact of capitalism out of control are all related and are affecting the quality of life in the early twenty-first century.

Elinor Hanson, the protagonist, is so vividly written that she jumps off the page and becomes someone we know as a family member. When she returned home to write about the Bakken oil boom in North Dakota, I felt I had known her all my life. Unfortunately, the novel ended when she finally understood the issues and was in touch with her anger. I wish it would have continued so that the problems might have been addressed. Despite this, I highly recommend this novel.

O Beautiful is the twenty-first book I have read this year! My goal was twenty-three.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Elinor Hanson, a forty-something former model, struggles to reinvent herself as a freelance writer when she receives an unexpected assignment. Her mentor from grad school offers her a chance to write for a prestigious magazine about the Bakken oil boom in North Dakota.

Elinor grew up near the Bakken, raised by an overbearing father and a distant Korean mother who met and married when he was stationed overseas. After decades from home, Elinor returns to a landscape she hardly recognizes, overrun by tens of thousands of newcomers.

Surrounded by roughnecks seeking their fortunes in oil and long-time residents worried about their changing community, Elinor experiences a profound sense of alienation and grief. She rages at the unrelenting male gaze, the locals who still see her as a foreigner, and the memories of her family’s estrangement after her mother decided to escape her unhappy marriage, leaving Elinor and her sister behind.

The longer she pursues this potentially career-altering assignment, the more her past intertwines with the story she’s trying to tell, revealing disturbing new realities that will forever change her and how she looks at the world.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Invisible Hour: A Novel

Read: August 2023

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The Invisible Hour: A Novel

by Alice Hoffman

Today I started reading The Invisible Hour by Alice Hoffman. It’s a story about love, heartbreak, self-discovery, and the magic of books. The Invisible Hour is the story of one woman’s dream. For a little while, it came true. Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote: “A single dream is more powerful than a thousand realities.

Mia Jacob finds hope in the power of words on a brilliant June day. She reads The Scarlet Letter, a novel written almost two hundred years earlier, which mirrors her life. Mia and her mother, Ivy, live inside an oppressive cult in western Massachusetts called the Community, where contact with the outside world is forbidden, and books are considered evil. Nathaniel Hawthorne’s words perfectly capture the pain and loss that Mia carries inside her.

As Mia journeys through heartbreak and time, she breaks free from the rules of her Community. Along the way, she discovers the power of reading to transport and connect people, the fluidity of time, and the strength of love to overcome any obstacle.

As a young girl, Mia fell in love with a book. Now as a woman, she falls for a writer as she travels back in time. But what if Nathaniel Hawthorne never wrote “The Scarlet Letter”? What if Mia never found the book on the day she planned to end her life?

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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My Friend, I Care

Read: August 2021

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My Friend, I Care: The Grief Experience

by Barbara Karnes RN

My journey from the Island of Grief back to the Land of Love is long and arduous. Friends, especially those who have also lost a loved one, are the guideposts on this journey. One of these friends, Sue Gramacy, sent this book to me during the early phases of my grief journey.

My Friend, I Care: The Grief Experience may be one of the shortest books I have ever read, but it is also one that has been most helpful. Barbara Karnes, RN, provides a concise understanding of grief, and she includes a list of dos and don’ts that are very helpful to someone who has recently lost the love of their life.

She provides a compelling explanation of the new life that we all must strive to achieve.

Our inability to further enjoy life does not measure our loss. The quality of our relationship with the person who has died is found in our strength, our resilience and our ability to create a new and meaningful life.

The endpoint of my journey is a new and meaningful life. This book has helped remind me that it is an achievable goal.

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Bodily Harm

Read: June 2021

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Bodily Harm

by Margaret Atwood

Bodily Harm by Margaret Atwood is one of the books I picked up from our bookshelf in the first few months after Jan’s death. Being someone who has always fantasized about being a journalist, I found it very interesting.

A powerfully and brilliantly crafted novel, Bodily Harm is the story of Rennie Wilford, a young journalist whose life has begun to shatter around the edges.  Rennie flies to the Caribbean to recuperate, and on the tiny island of St. Antoine she is confronted by a world where her rules for survival no longer apply.  By turns comic, satiric, relentless, and terrifying, Margaret Atwood’s Bodily Harm is ultimately an exploration of the lust for power, both sexual and political, and the need for compassion that goes beyond what we ordinarily mean by love.

Bodily Harm may be the bleakest book that Ms. Atwood has written. One of her common themes is “the violence that human beings inflict on one another and their isolation in an uncaring world. It holds out some hope in the form of compassion to be shared by those who are victims of bodily harm in any form. The novel suggests that every person falls into this category. All are victims. There is no exemption, no escape for anyone.”

I recommend this book.

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