Learning From Grief

Estimated reading time: 16 minutes, 33 seconds

911 Call to Rabbi Renee

As I walked towards the Pizza House Pizza Chef from the parking lot, my legs felt like lead, and each step took an eternity. The anticipation of savoring a mini pizza made me remember that the restaurant was formerly where my current building stands. Memories of the old establishment flooded my mind as I approached the new one. As I approached my building, I spotted Mike and Jon parking their car and waiting to cross the street. I thought of calling or texting Rabbi Renee, but it was already quite late, so I texted her instead.

Rabbi, do you have time for a quick call?

April 6, 8:45 pm

As we entered the apartment building, my iPhone rang, and it was Rabbi Renee.

Rabbi Renee, how are you? My sons are here. Can I put you on speakerphone?”

Despite my physical and emotional weakness, I explained what Dr. Strair had revealed to us.

She’s coming home soon for hospice, and she only has a few weeks left to live.

The news shocked the Rabbi. She expressed her disbelief and admiration for Jan’s strength in fighting cancer. Even the boys were shocked by the news.

While they spoke to the Rabbi, I tried to eat, but my taste buds vanished.

We need to discuss how we will tell her tomorrow,” I interjected.

With COVID restrictions, only I can be with her.

“Rabbis are always allowed in the hospital,” the Rabbi reminded me.

Jon added, “Dr. Strair said he would work with Dr. Saksena to allow Mike and me to be there.

I couldn’t recall much of what happened during the phone call after Dr. Strair said hospice was the only option, but I accepted what Jon had said. We all agreed to coordinate with the two doctors to give Jan the support she needed when she heard the news.

“I couldn’t do this without the three of you,” I said.

I love Jan, your sons, and you; we will all be there to help you!” the Rabbi replied.

As the call ended, Mike and Jon left. I tried to sleep, but the news had left me restless. Just three days ago, I was sure Jan was on the road to recovery.

“Her voice was strong and confident, like the day we met,” I thought, wondering what had changed in just seventy-two hours.

I lay in bed, unable to cry, but I repeated to myself that I must be fully present for Jan. I must love her more now than ever.

Honey, You Are Coming Home

As I walked into the hospital to visit with Jan, I knew I had to be strong. I couldn’t reveal to her that she was going into hospice care, as I was not skilled at hiding my emotions, and it would be particularly challenging today. Suppressing my feelings, I greeted her with a smile, though tears flowed.

I’m happy to see you, but I’m tired of the hospital. I can’t wait until I’m home with you,” Jan said, looking at me with a hopeful expression.

I leaned in and kissed her lips, feeling my heart break at the thought of what would come.

The medical team arrived soon after to give Jan another blood transfusion. I stepped aside to make room, but the small hospital room felt overcrowded, with the bed occupying most of the space and limited seating. I wondered how we would fit everyone in when we told Jan about hospice.

I sat beside her as the transfusion began, handing her a milkshake to enjoy. This is so good!” she exclaimed, a faint smile on her lips.

I love you,” I whispered, feeling helpless as I watched her frail body struggle.

After lunch, Jan drifted off to sleep, and I anxiously watched the clock, waiting for 2 pm when we had planned to meet with her sons and Rabbi Renee.

“Did you have a good nap?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.

As I stood up to stretch, I saw Jan’s sons Mike and Jon walking down the hallway, and my stomach dropped to my ankles. I had to keep the truth from Jan for a little longer.

It’s my sons!” Jan exclaimed, a spark of joy in her eyes.

I was able to get them in today as a special treat for you,” I said, trying to sound cheerful, even though my heart was heavy.

Jon sat on her right side and Mike on the other. Under different circumstances, this would have been a joyous reunion. Rabbi Renee walked in just as they did.

Jan, how are you feeling?” the Rabbi asked, her warm smile bringing hope to the room.

“This is a real surprise. My sons and my Rabbi!” Jan said, her voice filled with joy.

I stepped towards the doorway, taking a deep breath to control my emotions. In a few moments, Jan would hear the news that she had only a few weeks left to live.

Dr. Saksena walked in, interrupting my thoughts. “It looks like you have a full house today! How are you feeling?” she asked, addressing Jan.

Jan smiled weakly, waiting for the news. “Jan, as I said, I consulted with Dr. Strair about the next steps,” Dr. Saksena said, sitting beside her.

Jan nodded, unaware of what was coming.

“What would you like to do if you were cancer-free?” Dr. Saksena asked, trying to lighten the mood.

Finish rebuilding my office, travel, and spend time with my sons and husband,” Jan said, her voice filled with optimism.

As you know, we have done three treatments, and the Lymphoma is still inside you and very aggressive. We cannot treat the Lymphoma because of COVID, and we cannot treat the COVID because of the Lymphoma. Unfortunately, we only have one option left. Our recommendation is hospice care,” Dr. Saksena said, her voice filled with empathy.

Jan looked straight ahead, and I wanted to hold her tightly, but I was sitting at the foot of the bed. “How much time do I have left?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

Only a few weeks,” Dr. Saksena replied, her eyes filled with tears.

I tried to move closer to her, to hold her hand, but there wasn’t enough space. “OK. I know an agency that does hospice care,” Jan said, her voice calm.

“You are coming home or to my house,” Mike said, his voice filled with determination.

Is there enough room?” Jan asked, her voice filled with concern.

Mike and I have already started talking to the hospice team in the hospital,” Jon said, trying to reassure her.

“Home is where you need to be, honey. Home with all of us,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

Dr. Saksena left, and we discussed logistics, but my mind was in a haze. All I could think about was how I would live without the love of my life.

After an hour, everyone left except for me. I sat beside Jan, holding her hand, and told her how much I loved her. Jan was serene and had accepted hospice much more quickly than I had.

As I left Jan to go home in the evening, I stood in the parking deck and wept openly. When I looked at my phone, I saw a text message from Dr. Strair.

Please convey my best wishes to Janice and your family. I hope they find peace and comfort during this time.

April 7, 6:05 pm.

“God grant me the strength to love Jan more than ever and help her find peace and comfort,” I screamed as I got into the car, feeling like my heart was breaking into a million pieces.

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The Colony

Read: March 2025

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The Colony: A Novel

by Annika Norlin

Today, I explored “The Colony,” Annika Norlin‘s debut novel, which Alice E. Olsson has skillfully translated. This sensational bestseller from Sweden has captured the imagination of readers around the globe, with its rights sold in over a dozen countries and an exciting TV adaptation in the works. “The Colony,” has quickly become one of the most talked-about literary sensations since Fredrik Backman’s ‘A Man Called Ove.’

Winner of the Vi Literature Award and Swedish Radio’s Novel Prize, two of Sweden’s most prestigious literary awards, “The Colony” is a compelling portrayal of contemporary society and its alternatives.

Burned out from a demanding job and the hectic pace of city life, Emelie decides to spend a few days in the countryside. There, amidst the peaceful, green hills by the river, she encounters a mysterious group of seven people, each with personal stories marked by pain, alienation, and a longing to live differently. They are misfits in their ways, all led by the enigmatic and charismatic Sara.

How did they end up in this place? Are they content with the rigid roles assigned to them? And what happens when an outsider arrives, initially drawn to their alternative lifestyle, but inevitably disrupts their way of life?

A masterful blend of humor, emotion, unforgettable characters, and sharp social commentary, “The Colony” is a magnetic and deeply touching story about love, community, and our profound influence over one another.


Annika Norlin is a Swedish author, songwriter, and artist. She releases music under her name and through her projects, Säkert! and Hello Saferide. Her collection of short stories, “I See Everything You Do,” has been nominated for several awards. “The Colony” is her debut novel.

Alice E. Olsson is a literary translator, writer, and editor. She has served as the Cultural Affairs Adviser at the Embassy of Sweden in London and has received a fellowship and multiple grants from the Swedish Arts Council. Olsson was a nominee for the 2020 Peirene Stevns Translation Prize and the 2023 Bernard Shaw Prize.



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The Passing Storm

Read: May 2022

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The Passing Storm

by Christine Nolfi

The Passing Storm by Christine Nolfi is a gripping, openhearted novel about family, reconciliation, and bringing closure to the secrets of the past. From the first chapter, it was a pageturner and a book that engaged me when I needed to focus on life’s challenges. I was looking for something different from my most recent books.

I very much enjoyed this novel. It is focused on losses, including one parent and a daughter. I had not anticipated that but found that Ms. Nolfi handled that in an empathic way that did not trigger my grief but helped me understand my grief. The primary characters Rae, Quinn, Connor, and Griffin are brought to life by the writer. It left me wanting to know what happens to them now that they have survived the early stages of grief.

The Goodreads summary provides a good overview.

Early into the turbulent decade of her thirties, Rae Langdon struggles to work through grief she never anticipated. With her father, Connor, she tends to their Ohio farm, a forty-acre spread that has enjoyed better days. As memories sweep through her, some too precious to bear, Rae gives shelter from a brutal winter to a teenager named Quinn Galecki.

His parents have thrown out Quinn, a couple too troubled to help steer the misunderstood boy through his losses. Now Quinn has found a temporary home with the Langdons—and an unexpected kinship because Rae, Quinn, and Connor share a past and understand one another’s pain. But its depths—and all its revelations and secrets—have yet to come to light. To finally move forward, Rae must confront them and fight for Quinn, whose parents have other plans for their son.

There might be hope for a new season with forgiveness, love, and the spring thaw—a second chance Rae believed in her heart was gone forever.


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The Swimmers: A Novel

Read: October 2022

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The Swimmers: A Novel

by Julie Otsuka

The Swimmers: A Novel by Julie Otsuka is a novel about what happens to a group of obsessed recreational swimmers when a crack appears at the bottom of their local pool. This searing, intimate story of mothers and daughters—and the sorrows of implacable loss—is the most commanding and unforgettable work yet from a modern master. I highly recommend The Swimmers: A Novel by Julie Otsuka.

The novel was a page-turner from the first to the last page. It had been on my to-read list for months, and I am happy to start reading The Swimmers: A Novel by Julie Otsuka

Memory loss is a frightening situation for anyone. Ms. Otuska writes powerfully and eloquently about Alice’s loss of her memory. I felt as if it was one of my loved ones.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

The swimmers are unknown to one another except through their private routines (slow lane, medium lane, fast lane) and the solace each takes in their morning or afternoon laps. But when a crack appears at the bottom of the pool, they are cast out into an unforgiving world without comfort or relief.

One of these swimmers is Alice, who is slowly losing her memory. The pool was a final stand against the darkness of her encroaching dementia for Alice. Without the fellowship of other swimmers and the routine of her daily laps, she is plunged into dislocation and chaos, swept into memories of her childhood and the Japanese American incarceration camp where she spent the war. Alice’s estranged daughter, reentering her mother’s life too late, witnesses her stark and devastating decline.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Followers

Read: December 2021

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Followers

by Megan Angelo

Followers by Megan Angelo is one of NPR’s Books We Love from 2020. Goodreads describes this as an electrifying story of two ambitious friends, the dark choices they make, and the stunning moment that changes the world as we know it forever.

Followers is a novel, but it could easily be read as history with all that has occurred with technology and social media. With the increased discussion of the Metaverse, how close are we to a significant spill of personal information? With the focus on followers defining our culture, how close are we to being manipulated by social media?

As a wannabe blogger, I am impressed by a handful of likes on social media and two comments on my posts. Although I can understand the temptation of Orla and Floss to manipulate the system for their benefit, it is something I know I would not do even if I had the skills.

The spill of personal information is described in a very plausible way. It is not just credit card data but private conversations, photos, and secrets that are spilled and alter the world as we know it. Is this possible? Hopefully not, but without adequate privacy regulations, we may all wake up one day to know that our most private secrets become known by everyone.

Marlow, the daughter of two mothers, along with Orla, provides an option of how we might all leave with less reliance on blue screens. As a secessionist nation in NJ, Atlantis was an interesting alternate reality.

Goodreads provides this overview if you are not convinced to read this book.

Orla Cadden is a budding novelist stuck in a dead-end job, writing clickbait about movie-star hookups and influencer yoga moves. Then Orla meets Floss ― a striving wannabe A-lister ― who comes up with a plan for launching them both into the high-profile lives they dream about. So what if Orla and Floss’s methods are a little shady and sometimes people get hurt? Their legions of followers can’t be wrong.

Thirty-five years later, in a closed California village where government-appointed celebrities live every moment of the day on camera, a woman named Marlow discovers a shattering secret about her past. Despite her massive popularity ― twelve million loyal followers ― Marlow dreams of fleeing the corporate sponsors who would do anything to keep her on-screen. When she learns that her whole family history is based on a lie, Marlow finally summons the courage to run in search of the truth, no matter the risks.

Followers traces the paths of Orla, Floss and Marlow as they wind through time toward each other, and toward a cataclysmic event that sends America into lasting upheaval. At turns wry and tender, bleak and hopeful, this darkly funny story reminds us that even if we obsess over famous people we’ll never meet, what we crave is genuine human connection.

I recommend Followers as not only a good read but an allegory of our technology-dominated culture.

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We Do Not Part

Read: March 2025

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We Do Not Part: A Novel

by Han Kang

Today, I explored “We Do Not Part,” the latest novel by Han Kang, the 2024 Nobel Prize in Literature laureate. Translated by the talented e. yaewon and Paige Aniyah Morris, this book offers a remarkable journey. The New York Times has called it Kang’s most revealing work since her acclaimed novel, “The Vegetarian.” What captivates me the most is how it intricately weaves the story of two women’s friendship while shedding light on a hidden chapter of Korean history.

One winter morning, Kyungha receives an urgent message from her friend Inseon, asking her to visit a hospital in Seoul. Inseon has injured herself in an accident and begs Kyungha to return to Jeju Island, where she lives, to save her beloved pet—a white bird named Ama. A snowstorm hits the island when Kyungha arrives. At all costs, she must reach Inseon’s house, but the icy wind and blizzards slow her down as night falls. She wonders if she will arrive in time to save the animal—or even survive the terrible cold that envelops her with every step. Lost in a world of snow, she does not yet suspect the vertiginous plunge into darkness that awaits her at her friend’s house.

Blurring the boundaries between dream and reality, “We Do Not Part” powerfully illuminates a forgotten chapter of Korean history buried for decades, bringing to light the lost voices of the past to prevent them from fading into oblivion. It is both a tribute to enduring friendship and a plea for remembrance. The novel tells a story of profound love in the face of unspeakable violence and celebrates life, however fragile.


Han Kang was born in 1970 in South Korea. She is the author of The Vegetarian, which I have read, and winner of the International Booker Prize,  Human ActsThe White BookGreek Lessons, and We Do Not Part. In 2024, she received the Nobel Prize in Literature.

e. yaewon is based in Korea and translates from and into Korean, including titles by Hwang Jungeun, Deborah Levy, and Samuel Beckett.

Paige Aniyah Morris divides her time between the United States and Korea. Recent translations include works by Pak Kyongni, Ji-min Lee, and Chang Kang-myoung.



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Nothing but the Truth

Read: December 2024

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Nothing But The Truth

by Robyn Gigl

Today, I started reading “Nothing But the Truth,” the fourth book in Robyn Gigl‘s Erin McCabe Legal Thriller series. The New York Times has selected it as one of the Best Crime Novels 2024. I have also read “The Hunter” and “Gods of Wood,” which are on the same list. Nothing but the Truth is a gripping and timely thriller exploring murder, prejudice, and police corruption.

One of the reasons I decided to read this novel is that it—and the entire series—takes place mainly in Union County, particularly in Cranford, my hometown! Erin McCabe and her law partner get salads from the Gourmet Deli, and she dines with her husband at the Cranford Hotel. In this installment, Erin McCabe, a transgender attorney from the Garden State, discovers that uncovering the Truth can be deadly.

New Jersey State Trooper Jon Mazer has been charged with killing Black investigative reporter Russell Marshall in a racially charged, headline-making murder. The evidence against criminal defense attorney Erin McCabe’s new client is overwhelming. The gun used is Mazer’s off-duty weapon. Fingerprints and carpet fibers link Mazer to the crime. And Mazer was patrolling Marshall’s neighborhood shortly before the victim took three bullets to the chest. Mazer’s argument? He’s a gay officer being set up to take the fall in an even bigger story.

Mazer swears he was a secret source for Marshall’s exposé about the Lords of Discipline. The covert gang operating within the New Jersey State Police is notorious for enforcing its code of harassing women, framing minorities, and out-powering any troopers who don’t play their rogue and racist games. With everyone from the governor to the county prosecutor on the wrong side of justice, Erin and her partner, Duane Swisher, are prepared to do anything to ensure Mazer doesn’t become another victim.

As Erin deals with an intensely personal issue at home and faces an uphill battle to prove her client’s innocence, she and Duane find themselves mired in a conspiracy of corruption more profound than they imagined—and far more dangerous than they feared.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!


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