Learning From Grief

Estimated reading time: 16 minutes, 33 seconds

911 Call to Rabbi Renee

As I walked towards the Pizza House Pizza Chef from the parking lot, my legs felt like lead, and each step took an eternity. The anticipation of savoring a mini pizza made me remember that the restaurant was formerly where my current building stands. Memories of the old establishment flooded my mind as I approached the new one. As I approached my building, I spotted Mike and Jon parking their car and waiting to cross the street. I thought of calling or texting Rabbi Renee, but it was already quite late, so I texted her instead.

Rabbi, do you have time for a quick call?

April 6, 8:45 pm

As we entered the apartment building, my iPhone rang, and it was Rabbi Renee.

Rabbi Renee, how are you? My sons are here. Can I put you on speakerphone?”

Despite my physical and emotional weakness, I explained what Dr. Strair had revealed to us.

She’s coming home soon for hospice, and she only has a few weeks left to live.

The news shocked the Rabbi. She expressed her disbelief and admiration for Jan’s strength in fighting cancer. Even the boys were shocked by the news.

While they spoke to the Rabbi, I tried to eat, but my taste buds vanished.

We need to discuss how we will tell her tomorrow,” I interjected.

With COVID restrictions, only I can be with her.

“Rabbis are always allowed in the hospital,” the Rabbi reminded me.

Jon added, “Dr. Strair said he would work with Dr. Saksena to allow Mike and me to be there.

I couldn’t recall much of what happened during the phone call after Dr. Strair said hospice was the only option, but I accepted what Jon had said. We all agreed to coordinate with the two doctors to give Jan the support she needed when she heard the news.

“I couldn’t do this without the three of you,” I said.

I love Jan, your sons, and you; we will all be there to help you!” the Rabbi replied.

As the call ended, Mike and Jon left. I tried to sleep, but the news had left me restless. Just three days ago, I was sure Jan was on the road to recovery.

“Her voice was strong and confident, like the day we met,” I thought, wondering what had changed in just seventy-two hours.

I lay in bed, unable to cry, but I repeated to myself that I must be fully present for Jan. I must love her more now than ever.

Honey, You Are Coming Home

As I walked into the hospital to visit with Jan, I knew I had to be strong. I couldn’t reveal to her that she was going into hospice care, as I was not skilled at hiding my emotions, and it would be particularly challenging today. Suppressing my feelings, I greeted her with a smile, though tears flowed.

I’m happy to see you, but I’m tired of the hospital. I can’t wait until I’m home with you,” Jan said, looking at me with a hopeful expression.

I leaned in and kissed her lips, feeling my heart break at the thought of what would come.

The medical team arrived soon after to give Jan another blood transfusion. I stepped aside to make room, but the small hospital room felt overcrowded, with the bed occupying most of the space and limited seating. I wondered how we would fit everyone in when we told Jan about hospice.

I sat beside her as the transfusion began, handing her a milkshake to enjoy. This is so good!” she exclaimed, a faint smile on her lips.

I love you,” I whispered, feeling helpless as I watched her frail body struggle.

After lunch, Jan drifted off to sleep, and I anxiously watched the clock, waiting for 2 pm when we had planned to meet with her sons and Rabbi Renee.

“Did you have a good nap?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.

As I stood up to stretch, I saw Jan’s sons Mike and Jon walking down the hallway, and my stomach dropped to my ankles. I had to keep the truth from Jan for a little longer.

It’s my sons!” Jan exclaimed, a spark of joy in her eyes.

I was able to get them in today as a special treat for you,” I said, trying to sound cheerful, even though my heart was heavy.

Jon sat on her right side and Mike on the other. Under different circumstances, this would have been a joyous reunion. Rabbi Renee walked in just as they did.

Jan, how are you feeling?” the Rabbi asked, her warm smile bringing hope to the room.

“This is a real surprise. My sons and my Rabbi!” Jan said, her voice filled with joy.

I stepped towards the doorway, taking a deep breath to control my emotions. In a few moments, Jan would hear the news that she had only a few weeks left to live.

Dr. Saksena walked in, interrupting my thoughts. “It looks like you have a full house today! How are you feeling?” she asked, addressing Jan.

Jan smiled weakly, waiting for the news. “Jan, as I said, I consulted with Dr. Strair about the next steps,” Dr. Saksena said, sitting beside her.

Jan nodded, unaware of what was coming.

“What would you like to do if you were cancer-free?” Dr. Saksena asked, trying to lighten the mood.

Finish rebuilding my office, travel, and spend time with my sons and husband,” Jan said, her voice filled with optimism.

As you know, we have done three treatments, and the Lymphoma is still inside you and very aggressive. We cannot treat the Lymphoma because of COVID, and we cannot treat the COVID because of the Lymphoma. Unfortunately, we only have one option left. Our recommendation is hospice care,” Dr. Saksena said, her voice filled with empathy.

Jan looked straight ahead, and I wanted to hold her tightly, but I was sitting at the foot of the bed. “How much time do I have left?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

Only a few weeks,” Dr. Saksena replied, her eyes filled with tears.

I tried to move closer to her, to hold her hand, but there wasn’t enough space. “OK. I know an agency that does hospice care,” Jan said, her voice calm.

“You are coming home or to my house,” Mike said, his voice filled with determination.

Is there enough room?” Jan asked, her voice filled with concern.

Mike and I have already started talking to the hospice team in the hospital,” Jon said, trying to reassure her.

“Home is where you need to be, honey. Home with all of us,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

Dr. Saksena left, and we discussed logistics, but my mind was in a haze. All I could think about was how I would live without the love of my life.

After an hour, everyone left except for me. I sat beside Jan, holding her hand, and told her how much I loved her. Jan was serene and had accepted hospice much more quickly than I had.

As I left Jan to go home in the evening, I stood in the parking deck and wept openly. When I looked at my phone, I saw a text message from Dr. Strair.

Please convey my best wishes to Janice and your family. I hope they find peace and comfort during this time.

April 7, 6:05 pm.

“God grant me the strength to love Jan more than ever and help her find peace and comfort,” I screamed as I got into the car, feeling like my heart was breaking into a million pieces.

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The Hero of This Book: A Novel

Read: November 2022

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The Hero of This Book: A Novel

by Elizabeth McCracken

The Hero of This Book: A Novel by Elizabeth McCracken is a searing examination of grief and renewal and a deeply felt relationship between a child and her parents. It is not a memoir but a remembrance of those we have lost. Ten months after her mother’s death, the narrator of The Hero of This Book takes a trip to London. The city was a favorite of her mother’s, and as the narrator wanders the streets, she reflects on her mother’s life and their relationship.

Thoughts of the past meld with questions of the future: Back in New England, the family home is now up for sale, its considerable contents already winnowed.

The following quote resonated with me.

I’ve always hated the notion, in life or in fiction, that the human personality is a puzzle to be solved, that we are a single flashback away from understanding why this person is cruel to her children, why that man has a dreamy, downcast look. A human being is not a lock and the past is not a key.

I highly recommend this book.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

The woman, a writer, recalls all that made her complicated mother extraordinary–her brilliant wit, her generosity, her unbelievable obstinacy, her sheer will to seize life despite physical difficulties–and finds herself wondering how her mother had endured. Even though she wants to respect her mother’s nearly pathological sense of privacy, the woman must come to terms with whether making a chronicle of this remarkable life constitutes an act of love or betrayal.

The Hero of This Book is a searing examination of grief and renewal and a deeply felt relationship between a child and her parents. What begins as a question of filial devotion ultimately becomes a lesson in what it means to write. At once comic and heartbreaking, with prose that delights at every turn, this is a novel of such piercing love and tenderness that we are reminded that art is what remains when all else falls away.


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Do You Remember Being Born?: A Novel

Read: September 2023

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Do You Remember Being Born?

by Sean Michaels

I started reading “Do You Remember Being Born?” by Sean Michaels, a writer who won the Scotiabank Giller Prize. The novel is about an aging poet named Marian Ffarmer, a legend in the world of poetry. However, despite her success, she struggles with financial issues and her son’s inability to buy a house. Marian has sacrificed her personal relationships and happiness to pursue her career but questions whether it is worth it.

One day, she receives an invitation from a Tech Company to travel to California and work with their poetry AI, Charlotte. The company wants her to co-author a poem with their bot in a historic partnership, which clashes with Marian’s beliefs about the individual pursuit of art. However, she decides to take this opportunity, even though it makes her feel like a sell-out and a skeptic. The encounter in California changes her life, work, and understanding of kinship.

The book explores the nature of language, art, labor, capital, family, and community. It’s a response to some of the most disquieting questions of our time. The author, Sean Michaels, is a winner of the Scotiabank Giller Prize, and his book is a love letter to and interrogation of the creative legacy. It’s a joyful recognition that belonging to one’s art must mean belonging to the world to survive meaningfully.


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Study for Obedience

Read: August 2023

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Study for Obedience

by Sarah Bernstein

Today I began reading “Study for Obedience” by Sarah Bernstein. With a robust and lyrical voice, Bernstein thoughtfully examines themes of complicity, power, displacement, and inheritance. “Study for Obedience” is a finely-tuned and unsettling novel that establishes Bernstein as one of the most exciting voices of her generation.

A woman moves to her forebears’ remote northern home to be a housekeeper for her brother, whose wife left him. After arriving, strange events occur bovine hysteria, a ewe’s death, a dog’s phantom pregnancy, and potato blight. Suspicion towards newcomers seems directed at her, and she feels threatened. The hostility grows, and she fears what might happen.


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Jack: A Novel

Read: March 2022

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Jack: A Novel

by Marilynne Robinson

Jack: A Novel by Marilynne Robinson is the second book in this series I have read. Previously I read,  Home, and now I have read the fourth. Without Jan by my side, I read more but not always in order. Fortunately, Jack appears in Home at a later point than is covered in this novel. That provided an understanding of the next phase of Jack and Della’s relationship.

I very much enjoyed reading this novel. Although Jan and I fell in love without all of the complexities of this couple, there were enough similarities that reminded me of how special our love was and remains. For example, our long conversations, many of which were while we walked, are reminiscent of the novel.

I highly recommend this novel. One of the reviews suggested that the next volume should be about Della. I will read that book before the ink drys.

Goodreads provides an overview.

In this book, Robinson tells the story of John Ames Boughton, the prodigal son of Gilead’s Presbyterian minister, and his romance with Della Miles, a high school teacher who is also the child of a preacher. They’re deeply felt, tormented, star-crossed interracial romance resonates with all the paradoxes of American life, then and now.

Marilynne Robinson’s mythical world of Gilead, Iowa—the setting of her novels Gilead, Home, and Lila, and now Jack—and its beloved characters have illuminated and interrogated the complexities of American history, the power of our emotions, and the wonders of a sacred world.

Robinson’s Gilead novels, which have won one Pulitzer Prize and two National Book Critics Circle Awards, are vital to contemporary American literature and a revelation of our national character and humanity.

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When We Cease to Understand the World

Read: September 2024

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When We Cease to Understand the World

by Benjamín Labatut

Today, I began reading When We Cease to Understand the World by Benjamín Labatut, translated by Adrian Nathan West. This book, listed on The New York Times 100 Best Books of the 21st Century, promises to be thought-provoking as it delves into the intricate connections between scientific and mathematical discovery, madness, and destruction.

In a world where scientific advancements often involve ethical dilemmas and societal implications, this book offers a unique perspective on the lives of scientists who have shaped our understanding of the world. Fritz Haber, Alexander Grothendieck, Werner Heisenberg, and Erwin Schrödinger are some of the luminaries whose troubled lives Benjamín Labatut deeply explores in his fictional examination. Labatut shows how these scientists and thinkers grappled with profound questions of existence, experiencing strokes of unparalleled genius, alienating friends and lovers, and descending into isolation and insanity. Their discoveries, some of which significantly improved human life, while others led to chaos and unimaginable suffering, continue to shape our world.

With a breakneck pace and a wealth of disturbing detail, Labatut uses fiction’s imaginative resources to tell the stories of the scientists and mathematicians who expanded our notions of the possible.

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All the Sinners Bleed- A Novel

Read: June 2023

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All the Sinners Bleed: A Novel

by S. A. Cosby

Today, I delved into the gripping pages of “All the Sinners Bleed” by S. A. Cosby. This enthralling novel centers around Titus Crown, the first African American sheriff in Charon County, Virginia. Despite the county’s reputation for traditional customs such as moonshine, cornbread, and honeysuckle, Titus, with his FBI expertise, knows that the peace won’t last forever.

On the first anniversary of Titus’s election, a schoolteacher is murdered by an ex-student, and Titus’s deputies take down the perpetrator. As Titus delves deeper into the case, he uncovers a web of horrendous crimes and finds a serial killer lurking in plain sight, haunting Charon’s dirt roads and woodland clearings.

Titus is determined to solve the case, even though it is linked to a nearby church, and he harbors a personal secret that plagues him. However, he faces opposition from a far-right group who want to hold a parade to honor the town’s Confederate past while he tries to solve the issue.

Despite the challenges, Titus remains resolute in his love for Charon and his commitment to finding justice. The collision of religion and hatred cannot deter him from his duty.


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