How Did I Grieve?

Estimated reading time: 12 minutes, 26 seconds

Publicly Mourning
Helped Me to Learn and Grow

It has been almost thirty-eight months since my wife passed away. Losing a loved one, particularly a spouse, is an experience no one would wish for. Atul Gawande wrote in “Being Mortal” that we have come to believe that every medical professional has a magic cure to prevent death or postpone it indefinitely. However, the truth is that death is one of the life cycle events encoded in our DNA.

When Jan, my wife, passed away, I mourned as if I was the first ever to suffer such a loss. I didn’t know if I could choose to grieve in public or private, so I decided to write about my experiences and develop habits that served as guardrails. I shared my writings on social media, attended grief support groups, and even organized a memorial service where I spoke about Jan and our life together. Looking back, I realize the importance of public mourning as it not only helps us heal but also helps others understand and cope with their grief. My journey, marked by resilience and growth, is a testament to the human spirit’s ability to overcome even the most profound loss.

After reading Cody Delistraty‘s essay “It’s Mourning in America” in The New Yorker, I understood I had chosen the best option. The subtitle “In the past century, grief has shifted from a public process to a private problem—something meant to be solved. Is there a better way?” made me reflect on how I mourned and coped with grief. More than three years after the loss, it was a timely reminder to review where I was during the darkest days and how I have learned to live and thrive, showcasing the remarkable resilience of the human spirit.

I have experienced the loss of my parents, Jan’s parents, and friends over the years, which has given me firsthand knowledge of the impact of death. Witnessing the deceased has also been a familiar experience. However, I have struggled to understand how to mourn. As pointed out by Mr. Delistraty, there is a prevalent notion in American culture of seeking closure and swiftly moving on from loss. This concept of ‘closure’ implies that one should neatly tie up their emotions and memories of the deceased, and resume normal activities and routines without allowing oneself to linger in grief. This expectation can be challenging and even harmful, as it may prevent individuals from fully processing their grief and healing in their own time.

After nearly two years of caring for my wife before her passing, I find myself without an understanding of what ‘normal’ means, if it means anything, or how to attain a state of equilibrium that would enable me to carry on. This complexity of grief is a shared experience, and it’s okay not to have all the answers. The more than 100,000 words on my blog have been a form of public mourning. I have shared the depths of despair, the steps I have taken, and how I have grown and sometimes failed. I have found solace in nature, in the support of friends and family, and in giving back to the community. These experiences have been instrumental in my healing and growth, and I hope they can offer some guidance and comfort to others on a similar journey.

Sharing Jan’s Love

In his essay, Mr. Delistraty eloquently discusses public and private grieving traditions. Before the 20th century, death was more common, and mourning was a public process involving family, friends, and neighbors. Now, “there is the stigma of grief—the idea, now rampant in American life, of closure. Most people are reluctant to linger on loss. We are expected to get back to work and back to normal.”

For everyone I know who lost a loved one during COVID-19, the concept of closure was unachievable. Three days before my wife died, NJ Governor Murphy rescinded a rule that limited mourners at a funeral to a dozen as long as those attending practiced social distancing. This rule change was a relief, as it meant more people could attend the funeral and pay their respects to Jan. However, it also presented a new challenge. I am not sure how I would have managed a funeral with such strict limitations. Whom would I have excluded from attendance if only a dozen could attend? These unique circumstances would have added a layer of complexity to my mourning process and forced me to reconsider traditional notions of closure and mourning.

On May 5, during my wife’s funeral at Beth Israel Cemetery in Woodbridge, it was lightly raining, and many of the almost one hundred-attendees had only a day’s notice about her passing and the funeral arrangements. In this shared moment of grief, I tried to express my deep gratitude to everyone who attended, as I recognized that they, too, were mourning Jan. Although some may have perceived my actions as unusual, I felt it was important to publicly thank them and expand our shared support network as we all navigated life without my wife. Their presence and support have been a source of strength and comfort, reminding me that I am not alone in this journey of grief and healing.

Merrit Malloy’s Epitaph, which Jan and I like, was read at her funeral and will be read at mine. When Rabbi Renee read the poem, I knew clearly that I had to give her love away if I would not only mourn but honor her. The last stanza is my wife’s final message to me.

Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.

Merrit Malloy’s Epitaph

I am sharing her love not because I no longer love her but because I love her now more than ever. By sharing her love, it will come back to me even more potent. Sharing Jan’s love will keep her memory and legacy alive and strengthen us all. Sharing her passion will inspire and empower us to improve the world and make it a better place for everyone. Sharing Jan’s love is the true expression of my love for her! This commitment to sharing her passion is a testament to the enduring power of love and its ability to transcend even the most profound loss.

Being Mortal

I understood, standing by her grave, that my sense of loss was unique as Jan’s husband, but accepting that I was not the only one was a crucial step in how I would manage grief. Having read Being Mortal by Atul Gawande days before my wife’s diagnosis of lymphoma prepared me for hospice but also for acceptance that her death was unavoidable once she was also diagnosed with COVID. He reminds us that “when it comes to the inescapable realities of aging and death, what medicine can do often runs counter to what it should.” As he writes in the book, the current system does not work and, in many cases, actually shortens life. Without that knowledge, I am not sure how I would have coped with hearing from her oncologists that there was no way of treating her and hospice was the only option.

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The Brighter the Light

Read: June 2022

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The Brighter the Light

by Mary Ellen Taylor

The Brighter the Light by Mary Ellen Taylor was my eighty-ninth book since the beginning of 2019. After reading about Thomas Cromwell, I needed a change of pace. With the start of the Hurricane season, it seemed as good a time as any to read a novel by a fellow Southerner. That the book is also an “evocative dual-timeline novel detailing one woman’s journey to discover the hidden stories of her family’s seaside resort” seemed a perfect match.

I highly recommend this book. As a Southerner, I found the revealing of the hidden secrets accomplished in a style that makes this a page-turner.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

When a shipwreck surfaces, old secrets are sure to follow.

Or so goes the lore in Ivy Neale’s hometown of Nags Head, North Carolina. When Ivy inherits her family’s beachfront cottage upon her grandmother’s death, she knows returning to Nags Head means facing the best friend and the boyfriend who betrayed her years ago.

But then a winter gale uncovers the shipwreck of local legend—and Ivy soon begins to stumble across more skeletons in the closet than just her own. Amid the cottage’s clutter are clues from her grandmother’s past at the enchanting seaside resort her family once owned. One fateful summer in 1950, the arrival of a dazzling singer shook the staff and guests alike—and not everyone made it to fall.

As Ivy contends with broken relationships and a burgeoning romance in the present, the past threatens to sweep her away. But as she uncovers the strength of her grandmother and the women who came before her, she realizes she is like the legendary shipwreck: the sands may shift around her, but she has found her home here by the sea.


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The Ferryman: A Novel

Read: May 2023

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The Ferryman: A Novel

by Justin Cronin

The novel, “The Ferryman,” by Justin Cronin, is set in the beautiful archipelago of Prospera. People lead long and fulfilling lives in this society until their forearm monitors drop below 10%. Then, they retire to the Nursery. Their memories are wiped clean, and they start a new life as sixteen-year-olds.

Although the book was recently published, I hesitated to read it due to the unsettling notion of having my memories wiped clean. However, my curiosity got the best of me, and I’m glad it did. Proctor Bennett, the protagonist, works as a ferryman, assisting people through retirement. But things worsen when Proctor starts dreaming, which is impossible in Prospera, and his monitor percentage rapidly decreases. Are these dreams fragments of a past that they cannot recall?

Amidst all this, rumors about the Arrivalists, who oppose the societal structure, and even the Support Staff, who keep Prospera functioning, are questioning their roles. Proctor finds himself caught up in a more significant cause than expected and sets out to uncover the truth.

Without giving away too much, things are not always what they seem in Prospera.

As a widow, I found this line particularly poignant: “That loss was love’s accounting, its unit of measure, as a foot was made of inches, a yard was made of feet.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book; it kept me engaged and excited, and my Kindle was my go-to device for reading it. I highly recommend this novel.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Audition

Read: April 2025

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Audition: A Novel

by Katie Kitamura

Today, I dove into “Audition” by Katie Kitamura, and I’m already hooked! This gripping novel explores a woman’s journey as she navigates what could be the performance of her lifetime—and perhaps even two. It’s both exhilarating and disorienting, much like a Möbius strip that challenges our understanding of the people we cherish. I can’t wait to see where this story takes me!

The narrative begins with two people meeting for lunch in a Manhattan restaurant. She is an accomplished actress in rehearsals for an upcoming premiere, while he is an attractive, troubled young man—young enough to be her son. What is his relationship to her, and how does she see him?

In this compulsively readable and brilliantly crafted novel, two competing narratives unfold, challenging our understanding of the roles we play in life – whether as partners, parents, creators, or muses – and revealing the truths that each performance conceals, particularly from those who believe they know us best.

Taut and hypnotic, “Audition” showcases Katie Kitamura‘s virtuosic writing at its finest.


Katie Kitamura is the author of four previous novels, most recently A Separation and Intimacies, which was longlisted for the National Book Award and the PEN/Faulkner Award and was a finalist for a Joyce Carol Oates Prize. She is a recipient of the Rome Prize in Literature, a Lannan fellowship, and many other honors, and her work has been translated into twenty-one languages. She teaches in the creative writing program at New York University.



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The Furrows- A Novel

Read: October 2022

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The Furrows: A Novel

by Namwali Serpell

The Furrows: A Novel by Namwali Serpell is a bold exploration of memory and mourning that twists unexpectedly into a story of mistaken identity, double consciousness, and the wishful—and sometimes willful—longing for reunion with those we’ve lost. Namwali Serpell’s remarkable new novel captures the uncanny experience of grief, the way the past breaks over the present like waves in the sea. I highly recommend this book.

The Furrows: A Novel reminded me of my longing to be reunited with Jan. I know it is impossible, but that does not keep me from desiring the unattainable. Reading this novel helped me remind me that Jan is still with me in spirit and that is far better than reuniting with her.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Cassandra Williams is twelve, and her little brother Wayne is seven. One day, an accident happens when they’re alone together, and Wayne is lost forever. Or so it seems. Though his body is never recovered, their mother, unable to give up hope, launches an organization dedicated to missing children. Their father leaves and starts another family somewhere else.

As C grows older, she sees her brother everywhere: in coffee shops, airplane aisles, subway cars, and cities on either coast. Here is her brother’s more aging face, the light in his eyes, his lanky limbs, the way he seems to recognize her too. But it can’t be, of course. Or can it? Disaster strikes again, and C meets a man, both mysterious and strangely familiar, who is also searching for someone and his place in the world. His name is Wayne.

Namwali Serpell’s remarkable novel captures the ongoing and uncanny experience of grief–the past breaking over the present like waves in the sea. The Furrows is a bold and beautiful exploration of memory and mourning that twists unexpectedly into a masterful story of black identity, double consciousness, and the wishful and sometimes willful longing for reunion with those we’ve lost.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Field of Blood: Violence in Congress and the Road to Civil War

Read: March 2019

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The Field of Blood

by Joanne B. Freeman

The Field of Blood: Violence in Congress and the Road to Civil War by Joanne B. Freeman, Professor of History and American Studies at Yale University, is a must-read in our hyper-partisan times. The partisanship and divisiveness of the period before the Civil War have many parallels to our time, and the difference is the violence of the Civil War era. Professor Freeman recovers the long-lost story of physical violence on the floor of the U.S. Congress.

She can do this by first source materials from Benjamin Brown French. He was never elected to office but was an acquaintance of twelve consecutive presidents, from Andrew Jackson to Ulysses S. Grant. In addition, he maintained a diary for forty years that highlighted the violence and his and the nation’s political transformation.

During much of this period, he was the Clerk in the House.  His diary documents the violence that did not get covered by the press. Legislative sessions included mortal threats, canings, flipped desks, and all-out slugfests. When debate broke down, members of Congress drew pistols and waved Bowie knives. One representative even killed another in a duel. Many were beaten and bullied in an attempt to intimidate them into compliance, particularly on the issue of slavery.

The Field of Blood is one of four books I purchased after my first One Day University class.

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The Unfolding

Read: October 2022

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The Unfolding: A Novel

by A.M. Homes

The Unfolding by A.M. Homes is a darkly comic political parable braided with a Bildungsroman that takes us inside the heart of a divided country. The Unfolding is an alternative history that is terrifyingly prescient, profoundly tender, and devastatingly funny. Will this novel help me to understand how we became a nation that no longer shares the same definitions of truth, freedom, and democracy, much less a shared vision of the future?

Although I understand more clearly the crisis facing the US, I highly recommend this novel.

Ms. Homes has written a must-read book that compliments the January 6th Committee report and should make us all more vigilant.

The characters are so well defined that at the end of the novel, I wanted to continue to read about them, especially Meghan.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

The Big Guy loves his family, money, and country. Undone by the 2008 presidential election results, he taps a group of like-minded men to reclaim their version of the American Dream. As they build a scheme to disturb and disrupt, the Big Guy also faces turbulence within his family. His wife, Charlotte, grieves a life not lived, while his 18-year-old daughter, Meghan, realizes that her favorite subject–history–is not exactly what her father taught her.

In a story that is as much about the dynamics within a family as it is about the desire for those in power to remain in force, Homes presciently unpacks a dangerous rift in American identity, prompting a reconsideration of the definition of truth, freedom, and democracy–and exploring the explosive consequences of what happens when the exact words mean such different things to people living together under one roof.

In her first novel since the Women’s Prize award-winning May We Be Forgiven, A.M. Homes delivers us back to ourselves in this stunning alternative history that is both terrifyingly prescient, deeply tender, and devastatingly funny.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love.

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