How Did I Grieve?

Estimated reading time: 12 minutes, 26 seconds

In Praise of Walking

Hospice care was a bittersweet experience for our family. Our cozy apartment became a hub of love and support as relatives and friends gathered to be with us during this difficult time. At moments, it felt like there was no space left, but somehow, we always found room for everyone. My sons took on the responsibility of managing her medications and provided invaluable support in ways that I can never fully express my gratitude for. During the initial ten days, Jan could communicate and interact with all of us, although she was primarily confined to a hospital bed. The last few days passed by in a haze as we witnessed the final moments of her life slipping away.

After the intimacy of hospice and the funeral, I woke up to the realization that I was alone. My sons and their families had returned to their lives, leaving me to cope with the loss of my wife. To cope, I put on my walking shoes, despite the holes in the soles, and began to walk. Despite today’s heat emergency, I continued walking for the one thousand one hundred forty-sixth consecutive day this morning. I know I can’t keep this streak up forever, but each step helps clear my head and let my mind wander without thinking about my to-do list.

In Praise of Walking by Shane O’Mara is a delightful celebration of the myriad joys, health benefits, and fascinating walking mechanics. O’Mara underscores the crucial importance of breaking free from the confines of our chairs and immersing ourselves in the world around us, laying the groundwork for a happier, healthier, and more dynamic existence. One particularly impactful revelation from this book is the profound effect walking can have on our mental state, fostering immersive mind wandering and encouraging focusing on personal memories rather than immediate surroundings. This newfound understanding has allowed me to embrace and value Jan’s affection, propelling me forward with a greater appreciation for her love and why I need to share it.

Jan’s Memorial Garden

Three years ago, during a gentle June rain, I ventured into Hanson Park and found myself drawn to the triangular garden. My sons and I earnestly discussed planting a tree to commemorate Jan, but we needed to figure out the perfect spot and the type of tree to choose. Standing in the tranquil park, I decided it was an ideal location for a tree. I silently yearned for a sign or guidance from Jan, knowing deep down that it might not come. Then, as the rain subsided and the sun emerged, I felt an overwhelming sense that Jan had reached out to me, expressing her approval of this serene setting. In that beautiful moment, I sensed that a part of her spirit, always within me, was still very much present. I came to understand that Jan would continue to accompany me as I navigated my way through the depths of my grief.

Tina, Diane and Rabbi Renee
Photo courtesy of Neeru and Asish Patel.

What started as a plan to plant a Forest Pansy Redbud tree in honor of Jan has become a living tribute to the love of my life. One hundred and seventy-three friends contributed funds to purchase two memorial benches. The cost of the benches was actually lower than the amount raised. The remaining funds created the Jan Lilien Education Fund, which will support ongoing educational activities at the park. Everyone who has seen the double spinner wind sculpture has found it mesmerizing and believes it will encourage people to meditate and reflect. I replied that I had only been truly mesmerized once, and that was the day I met Jan.

On her birthday in 2022, which marked the first year she wouldn’t be with me since she turned twenty-four, I decided to celebrate her life uniquely. I channeled my organizational skills into planning a public event to honor her memory and allow myself to grieve openly. Although I wasn’t entirely sure how it would impact my mourning process, I proceeded one step at a time, feeling that it was something I needed to do for Jan. By involving her friends, colleagues, and even people I had recently met, I aimed to ensure that her memory would not only endure but flourish over time

Pages: 1 2 3

9 comments add your comment

Share your thoughts and ideas

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

The Garden of Letters

Read: June 2021

Get this book

The Garden of Letters

by son Richman

The Garden of Letters by Alyson Richman was one of the first books I read after Jan died. It was the perfect love story to read after the loss of the love of my life. The love Jan and I shared was because we shared a portion of the soul of the other, and thus we were meant for each other from day one. 

The two primary characters – Elodie Bertolotti and Angelo Rosselli – resonated with me as they were also people who shared souls. The book “captures the hope, suspense, and romance of an uncertain era, in an epic intertwining story of first love, great tragedy, and spectacular bravery.

As I turned every page, the story filled my heart with love and happiness as it reminded me of the love that Jan and I shared.

Portofino, Italy, 1943. A young woman steps off a boat in a scenic coastal village. Although she knows how to disappear in a crowd, Elodie is too terrified to slip by the German officers while carrying her poorly forged identity papers. She is frozen until a man she’s never met before claims to know her. In desperate need of shelter, Elodie follows him back to his home on the cliffs of Portofino.

Only months before, Elodie Bertolotti was a cello prodigy in Verona, unconcerned with world events. But when Mussolini’s Fascist regime strikes her family, Elodie is drawn into the burgeoning resistance movement by Luca, a young and passionate bookseller. As the occupation looms, she discovers that her unique musical talents, and her courage, have the power to save lives.

In Portofino, young doctor Angelo Rosselli gives the frightened and exhausted girl sanctuary. He is a man with painful secrets of his own, haunted by guilt and remorse. But Elodie’s arrival has the power to awaken a sense of hope that Angelo thought was lost to him forever.

I not only recommend this book, but I am also looking forward to reading more of her novels.

Subscribe

Contact Us

×
The Peacekeeper

Read: May 2022

Get this book

The Peacekeeper: A Novel

by B.L. Blanchard

The Peacekeeper: A Novel by B.L. Blanchard is about North America, where The United States and Canada do not exist. After reading about Ethiopia during the ill-fated Italian invasion, I looked for an alternative history of my continent. An independent Ojibwe nation surrounding the Great Lakes is the change in venue that I was seeking.

Although crime mysteries are not my preferred genre, I found The Peacekeeper: A Novel by B.L. Blanchard a pageturner and a highly recommended book. Chibenashi’s works resolve a second murder twenty years after his mothers. The victim is his mother’s best friend. The search for truth will change his life and those close to him.

The Goodreads summary:

Against the backdrop of a never-colonized North America, a broken Ojibwe detective embarks on an emotional and twisting journey toward solving two murders, rediscovering family, and finding himself.

In the village of Baawitigong, a Peacekeeper confronts his devastating past.

Twenty years ago, Chibenashi’s mother was murdered, and his father confessed. Ever since caring for his still-traumatized younger sister has been Chibenashi’s privilege and penance. Now, another woman is slain on the same night of the Manoomin harvest—his mother’s best friend. The murder leads to a seemingly impossible connection that takes Chibenashi far from the only world he’s ever known.

The central city of Shikaakwa is home to the victim’s cruelly estranged family—and to two people Chibenashi never wanted to see again: his imprisoned father and the lover who broke his heart. As the questions mount, the answers will change his and his sister’s lives forever because Chibenashi is about to discover that everything about those lives has been a lie.


Subscribe

Contact Us

When you buy a book or product using a link on this page, I receive a commission. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

×
American Dirt

Read: September 2021

Get this book

American Dirt

by Jeanine Cummins

American Dirt by Jeanine Cummins is one of the best books I have read this year.

American Dirt is a “cross-genre novel that combines elements of a commercial thriller, literary fiction, suspense, and romance.” American Dirt refers to the land that is the United States of America and to the difficulty undocumented migrants face both before and after crossing the border.

According to SuperSummary,

Lydia Quixano Pérez, a bookstore owner in Acapulco, saves her son Luca from a massacre that wipes out their entire family at a quinceañera cookout. The perpetrators are three sicarios, killers for Los Jardineros, a violent local cartel. Javier Crespo Fuentes, Lydia’s close friend and the jefe of Los Jardineros, ordered the hit in retaliation for an exposé written by Lydia’s husband, a journalist named Sebastián Pérez Delgado. Javier’s murderous rage stems not from the article itself, but from the impact it has on his daughter, Marta, who commits suicide when she learns of her father’s true identity. Lydia and Luca spend the rest of the novel running from Javier’s men, encountering a diverse cast of migrants along the road to the US.

I read the book at the same time that Haitian migrants were being deported at the border. Ms. Cummins writes passionately about the plight of migrants and the difficulties they face as they seek a new life in the US. This book highlighted this to me in ways that I understood intellectually but not emotionally.

Ms. Cummins refers to a sign she saw in Spanish in Tijuana while she was researching this book:

También de este lado hay sueños.

On this side, too, there are dreams.

All of our ancestors were migrants, and they all had dreams of a better life. We need to find a better way to help those who now have goals find a home so that their hopes for a better future can come true.

Subscribe

Contact Us

×
How to Love Your Daughter

Read: August 2023

Get this book

How to Love Your Daughter

by Hila Blum

I started reading a novel called “How to Love Your Daughter,” written by Hila Blum and translated by Daniella Zamir today. The book explores a complicated relationship between a mother and her grown daughter. It raises the question of how much harm we can do to our loved ones when love blinds us.

The story takes place thousands of miles away from home, where a woman finds herself peeking through well-lit windows at her two granddaughters. She has never met them before, as they are the daughters of her estranged daughter, whom she hasn’t seen in years.

The book’s central theme revolves around the woman’s attempt to understand how a once-loving relationship between her and her daughter ended up in such a distant and unfathomable state. The story shifts past and present as the woman unravels her memories and long-buried emotions. She tries to make sense of the seemingly insignificant moments of parental care that, combined, may have undermined what she valued most.

The author, Blum, skillfully delves into the complexities of family life, where a parent can easily cross the line between protectiveness and possession without even realizing it. The story leaves us wondering whether it’s possible ever to find our way back from such a point.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



×
The Exhibitionist: A Novel

Read: July 2023

Get this book

The Exhibitionist: A Novel

by Charlotte Mendelson

I began reading Charlotte Mendelson‘s novel, The Exhibitionist, today. The book tells the story of Lucia and Ray, two artists whose marriage starts to fall apart over a weekend. It explores themes such as art, sacrifice, family dynamics, queer desire, and personal freedom. Charlotte Mendelson has created yet another exceptional novel with The Exhibitionist, ranked as the year’s novel by The Times of London, and described as “furiously funny.”

The Hanrahan family is coming together for an important weekend. Ray Hanrahan, a well-known artist with a big ego, is preparing for his first exhibition in many years. His eldest daughter, Leah, is his biggest supporter. His son, Patrick, has decided to pursue his own path. His youngest daughter, Jess, has a big decision to make. Ray’s wife, Lucia, is also an artist but has always prioritized her roles as a wife and mother. She is keeping secrets of her own and must decide which desires to pursue as the weekend progresses and the exhibition approaches.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



×
Atonement: A Novel

Read: August 2024

Get this book

Atonement: A Novel

by Ian McEwan

Today, I started reading “Atonement: A Novel” by Ian McEwan, an acclaimed Booker Prize-winning author. This symphonic novel explores complex themes such as love and war, childhood and class, guilt and forgiveness. It has been recognized as one of the New York Times’s 100 Best Books of the 21st Century, making it a must-read for those interested in these profound themes.

The story is set on a scorching summer day in 1935, where thirteen-year-old Briony Tallis witnesses a moment of flirtation between her older sister, Cecilia, and Robbie Turner, the son of a servant and Cecilia’s childhood friend. Briony’s incomplete understanding of adult motives and her literary gifts lead to a crime that significantly impacts their lives, taking them on an emotional journey of love, guilt, and forgiveness.

The narrative tracks the repercussions of this crime through the chaos and carnage of World War II, a vivid historical backdrop that immerses the reader into the twentieth century’s close. “Atonement” has been acclaimed for engaging readers on multiple levels, marking it a genuine masterpiece from the Booker Prize-winning, internationally bestselling author Ian McEwan.

×

Discover more from Sharing Jan’s Love

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading