How Did I Grieve?
Estimated reading time: 12 minutes, 26 seconds
My Guardrails Helped Me
Accept Life’s Blessings
I find solace, inspiration, and guidance from reading, writing, volunteering with Bridges and Hanson Park, and practicing my faith. These activities have become my anchor, leading me to strive for personal growth and become the best version of myself. They have provided meaning, purpose, and a sense of structure, empowering me to take gradual steps and eventually step into life’s uncertain journey without Jan. They have kept my eyes focused on being the best version of myself as guardrails.
An epiphany moment involves acknowledging that we have surpassed our previous challenges and undergone a profound transformation. It allows us to introspect, observe the significant differences in our past selves, and validate our personal growth and evolution. For me, the moment of transformation was the birth of Wes, my grandson, fourteen months after Jan passed away. This marked a crucial juncture, signifying a new chapter and considerable personal growth. Once Jan’s memorial garden was built, active grieving, like the four seasons of a year, was over, and I needed to focus on being the best version of myself.
On April 2, 2024, I wrote a post titled “Three Birthday Blessings,” reflecting on three things I felt grateful for on my seventy-fifth birthday, the third one since my beloved wife, Jan, passed away.
My first blessing was life – the most precious and magnificent blessing one can receive.
The second blessing was a significant change in my lifestyle, which has improved my health and self-confidence. This journey has empowered me to become a better person.
As a person who values purpose and service, the third blessing has been finding a profound sense of meaning. It fills me with great pride to serve as the Chair of the Bridges Board of Trustees, fully committed to the noble cause of eradicating homelessness from our society.
Who Am I Today?
The comment from my friend Danny on that post really got me reflecting on my current situation. It’s been five years since I retired and three years since Jan passed away.
“You are an incredible person! You are a new person! A better person! Jan, although not here physically, has done so much for you!”
Danny
Danny’s heartfelt words have touched me deeply, leading me to contemplate my personal growth and whether I have truly overcome my grief. While I don’t consider myself extraordinary, I have certainly evolved as an individual. Since Jan’s passing, I have been navigating life without her, drawing on my inner strength and dedicating myself to self-improvement.
If grief has made me a better person, it’s because God gave me the ability to listen, embrace, and move forward into the future. I choose to move forward with courage and resilience, treasuring every moment life offers. Although I dearly miss Jan, I am committed to honoring her memory and being the best father, grandfather, friend, and neighbor. I have chosen to openly grieve to embrace life fully without my wife, much like Cody Delistraty and others who have shared their experiences in his essay.
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After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
