Is Grief Narcissistic?

Estimated reading time: 8 minutes, 52 seconds

Shedding My Mourning Clothes

This month, my grandson Wes turned two years old. I vividly recall the feeling of an apolytus transformation when he was born. It might have been when I attended Camp Widow in San Diego just a couple of weeks after Wes’s birth or when I realized that I could fully embrace life. Like a snake shedding its skin without keeping track of dates and times, knowing specific timing holds great importance for humans as if it will set us free. The exact timing is not significant, but what truly matters to me is love’s profound and transformative power. It has empowered me to leave behind grief and shed my mourning clothes two years ago.

In April of this year, my friend Danny commented on my Three Birthday Blessings post:

You are an incredible person! You are a new person! A better person! Jan, although not here physically, has done so much for you!”

Danny

I am not exceptional, but I have undergone a significant transformation. Since Jan’s passing, I have faced life’s challenges without her, relying on my inner resilience and committing to continuous self-improvement. This dedication to self-improvement has empowered me and can empower you to face life’s challenges with determination and a positive outlook.

If grief has made me a better person, it’s because God gave me the ability to listen, embrace, and move forward. I choose to move forward with courage and resilience, treasuring every moment life offers. Although I dearly miss Jan, I am committed to honoring her memory and being the best father, grandfather, friend, and neighbor.

While grief is a natural and necessary part of the healing journey, it mustn’t consume us indefinitely. If we succumb to the overwhelming weight of grief, we risk becoming trapped in a closed garden without any means of escape. Despite the deep pain of missing my beloved wife daily, I have come to understand that it is essential that I continue living and finding joy in the present moment.


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Eastbound

Read: November 2023

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Eastbound by Maylis De Kerangal

by Maylis De Kerangal

Today, I would like to recommend the book “Eastbound” by Maylis De Kerangal, which has been beautifully translated into English by Jessica Moore. The story revolves around a Russian conscript and a French woman who cross paths on the Trans-Siberian railroad, each trying to escape to the East for different reasons. “Eastbound” is an adventure story that takes you through two vibrant inner worlds.

The book has been listed as one of the five best fiction books 2023 by The New York Times. Maylis De Kerangal has done an excellent job telling the story of two unlikely souls with gorgeously translated, winding sentences that evoke a striking sense of tenderness. The brutality of the surrounding world contrasts sharply with the growing collaboration between the two characters.

As the story progresses, we meet Aliocha, a young Russian conscript who decides to desert the train soon after boarding the Trans-Siberian train with other Russian conscripts. During a midnight smoke in a dark corridor of the train, Aliocha encounters an older French woman, Hélène, for whom he feels an uncanny trust. He urgently asks Hélène, through pantomime and basic Russian, for her help hiding him. They hurry from the filth of his third-class carriage to Hélène’s first-class sleeping car. As Aliocha becomes a hunted deserter, Hélène becomes his accomplice, having her inner landscape of recent memories to contend with.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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People Collide: A Novel

Read: October 2023

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People Collide: A Novel

by Isle McElroy

Today, I started reading “People Collide” by Isle McElroy. The book is about a gender-bending, body-switching story that explores the themes of marriage, identity, and sex. “People Collide” is a profound exploration of ambition, sacrifice, desire, and loss. The book sheds a refreshing light on themes of love, sexuality, and the truth of who we are.

The protagonist, Eli, lives with his wife, Elizabeth, in a cramped apartment in Bulgaria. One day, Eli wakes up to find that he has switched bodies with Elizabeth, who has disappeared without a trace. The story follows Eli’s journey across Europe and America to find his missing wife while he learns to exist in her body.

As Eli comes closer to finding Elizabeth, he begins to question the effect of their metamorphosis on their relationship. He wonders how long he can keep up the illusion of living as someone else. Will their marriage wither away entirely in each other’s bodies? Or will this transformation be the key to making their marriage thrive?


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Beautyland: A Novel

Read: June 2024

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Beautyland: A Novel

by Marie-Helene Bertino

I started reading “Beautyland: A Novel” by Marie-Helene Bertino today. The novel is about the fragility and resilience of life on Earth and in our universe. It tells the story of a baby born with extraordinary perception to a single mother in Philadelphia when Voyager 1 embarks on its interstellar journey. As we follow Adina Giorno’s growth, we witness her awakening to her exceptional nature—a profound understanding of a distant planet.

With the introduction of a fax machine, she established a unique form of communication with her extraterrestrial kin, who dispatched her to observe and document the peculiarities of Earthlings. As Adina navigates the complexities of the human world, she not only shares her observations on the joys and terrors of existence but also grapples with her identity and the connections she forms. At a pivotal moment, a trusted friend encourages her to share her transmissions with the world, leading her to question if she is alone in her experiences.

Beautyland‘ is a wise, tender novel about a woman who doesn’t feel at home on Earth, penned by the highly acclaimed Marie-Helene Bertino, the author of ‘Parakeet.’ With her proven ability to craft compelling narratives, Bertino’s ‘Beautyland’ is a surefire way to captivate readers interested in contemporary fiction, themes of identity, and human connection.

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Tom Lake

Read: August 2023

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Tom Lake: A Novel

by Ann Patchett

Today, I began reading Tom Lake by Ann Patchett. The novel beautifully explores family, love, and growing up. Patchett once again proves herself as one of America’s finest writers. Both hopeful and mournful, it explores happiness even when the world falls apart.

The story follows Lara’s three daughters, who return to the family’s orchard in Northern Michigan in the spring of 2020. While picking cherries, they ask their mother about Peter Duke, a famous actor with whom she had a romance years before at a theater company called Tom Lake.

As Lara reminisces, her daughters are confronted with their own lives and relationships with their mothers, leading them to reevaluate everything they thought they knew. With its hopeful and mournful tone, the novel is a testament to the transformative power of understanding what happiness truly means, even amid chaos. Patchett’s compelling narrative artistry and profound insights into family dynamics weave a rich and luminous story, showcasing why she is one of our time’s most revered and acclaimed literary talents.

I have also read Patchett’s Bel Canto, a compelling tale that explores themes of strength, vulnerability, love, and confinement. It ultimately tells an inspiring story of transcendent romance.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Sing, Unburied, Sing

Read: October 2024

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Sing, Unburied, Sing

by Jesmyn Ward

I started reading Jesmyn Ward‘s novel Sing, Unburied, Sing today. The New York Times selected it as one of the best books of the 21st century and awarded it the National Book Award. According to The New York Times, Jesmyn Ward‘s historic second National Book Award winner is “perfectly poised for the moment.” It’s an intimate portrait of three generations of a family and an epic tale of hope and struggle.

Jojo is thirteen years old and is trying to understand what it means to be a man. He has several father figures to learn from, including his Black grandfather, Pop. However, Jojo’s understanding is complicated by other men in his life: his absent White father, Michael, who is being released from prison; his absent White grandfather, Big Joseph, who refuses to acknowledge him; and the memories of his deceased uncle, Given, who died as a teenager.

His mother, Leonie, is inconsistent in her and her toddler daughter’s lives. She is a flawed mother in constant conflict with herself and those around her. She is Black, and her children’s father is White. She wants to be a better mother but struggles to prioritize her children over her own needs, particularly her drug use. Tormented and comforted by visions of her deceased brother, which only come to her when she’s high, Leonie is embattled in ways that reflect the harsh reality of her circumstances.

When their father is released from prison, Leonie takes her kids and a friend in her car and drives north to Mississippi and Parchman Farm, the State Penitentiary. At Parchman, there is another thirteen-year-old boy, the ghost of a deceased inmate who carries the ugly history of the South with him in his wanderings. With his supernatural presence, this ghostly figure also has something to teach Jojo about fathers and sons, legacies, violence, and love.

Described as a majestic and unforgettable family story, ‘Sing, Unburied, Sing‘ is rich with Ward‘s distinctive, lyrical language. As noted by The Philadelphia Inquirer, her unique narrative style takes readers on ‘an odyssey through rural Mississippi’s past and present.’

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The Secrets we Left Behind

Read: March 2022

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The Secrets We Left Behind

The Secrets We Left Behind by Soraya M. Lane is a historical fiction that raises the question, where were the women after Dunkirk and the fall of France? When World War II appeared to have been lost with a Nazi victory. Ms. Lane watched the movie Dunkirk and then researched that time and the women’s possible roles during that difficult moment in history.

She connected the evacuation at Dunkirk to the Massacre at Le Paradis, fifty miles away, to connect a British nurse and two French women whose strength helps them survive Nazi-occupied France. Three British male soldiers, two of whom survived the massacre and one who escaped Dunkirk, have secondary roles in the novel. 

The Secrets We Left Behind is the story of the three strong women and their efforts to survive the occupation while hiding the three soldiers. This focus on the role of women has been long overdue in history. Ms. Lane, who studied to be a lawyer, has found a career as a writer. The Secrets We Left Behind is the first book I have read, but it will not be the last one by Ms. Lane that I read.

I strongly recommend this book!

The Goodreads synopsis provides an overview of the novel.

How far will they go for family, friendship, and love? Occupied France, 1940. When the staff at a field hospital draw straws to find out who will join the evacuation from Dunkirk, Nurse Cate is left behind. But when the Nazis arrive to claim prisoners of war, she takes her chance and flees into the night, taking one patient with her.

Fifty miles away, the surrendering soldiers of the Royal Norfolk Regiment are shot dead by the advancing Germans. Beneath the pile of bodies, two men survive, crawling to the safety of a nearby farmhouse, where sisters Elise and Adelaide risk their lives to take them in. When Cate, too, arrives at their door with her injured soldier, the pressure mounts.

The sisters are risking everything to keep their visitors safe. But with the Nazis coming ever closer and relationships in the farmhouse intensifying, they must all question the sacrifices they are willing to make for the lives of others. How far will they go for family, friendship, and love?

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