Grief’s Lesson: Serving and Blessing the Living!

Estimated reading time: 13 minutes, 10 seconds

Can I, An Ordinary Man,
Serve and Bless?

During the last Friday night service in May, when we commemorated Jan’s Yarhzeit, Rav Uri shared a passage about the valuable lessons that grief can teach us. It wasn’t the first time I had heard the passage, and I’ve used it in a post or stream before. He spoke about how grief can be a great teacher, leading us to serve and bless the living, offer counsel and comfort to the grieving, know when to keep silent, and offer words of love and concern. As many of my friends and readers know, I find comfort in reading, writing, walking, and worshiping, seeking to absorb as much wisdom as possible.

For the past three years and almost three months since Jan’s passing, I’ve been on a journey of personal growth, determined not to be overwhelmed by grief. This transformative path, shaped by the profound lessons of mourning, has led me to where I am today: feeling hopeful and inspired five years into retirement and three years since Jan’s passing. In April, my friend Danny made an observation that sparked a new perspective.

You are an incredible person! You are a new person! A better person! Jan, although not here physically, has done so much for you!

During my morning walks, I pondered Danny’s comment and the passage about grief being a great teacher. The idea of serving the living and blessing them has been weighing on my mind. I extend a heartfelt invitation to you, my dear friends and readers, to join me in this contemplation. Your insights and perspectives are not just welcome; they are crucial as we embark on this journey of reflection and growth together. The passage Rav Uri read resonates with me as I walk around Cranford, reminding me of the strength we find in our shared experiences and the support of our community.

Grief is a great teacher when it sends us back to serve and bless the living. We learn how to counsel and comfort those who, like ourselves, are burdened with sorrow. We learn when to keep silent in their presence and when a word will assure them of our love and concern.

I understand that the passage tells us to comfort those who, like ourselves, are burdened with sorrow. However, I have adapted it to include family, friends, and the community, not just those who have suffered a loss. I explained this to Tom, a friend who worships at St. Michael’s Catholic Church in Cranford. That is your ministry, and you are doing that the same way you have approached every other task in your life,” he said.

What lessons has grief taught me, an ordinary, flawed person? Although I live solely in the present, I have noticed various changes taking place within me. In each instance, the impetus for change began when I listened with my ears, embraced with my arms, and walked into the future with my feet. Many changes are still underway, and I welcome support and encouragement as change is challenging without the help of family, friends, and neighbors. This ongoing journey of personal growth, sparked by the transformative power of grief, is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the potential for positive change.

Family First

I strolled into the serene atmosphere of the Glen Ridge Country Club and quickly realized that I had arrived before Mike, Elyssa, and Nick to the gathering. A wave of thirst washed over me, prompting me to order a refreshing ginger ale. Unfortunately, in my haste, I forgot to request no straw with my drink. As I gracefully meandered across the deck that offered a breathtaking view of the immaculate golf course, onlookers couldn’t help but mistake my beverage for a cocktail due to the presence of a straw. Taking in the stunning vista of Manhattan’s skyline against the backdrop of the luscious, green landscape, I savored each sip of my drink. Amidst this tranquil setting, I found myself pondering how time had flown by so quickly, leading to the realization that my oldest grandchild is a thirteen-year-old middle school graduate.

Eighth Grade Graduation

As I turned toward the interior of the building, my eyes fell upon a poignant scene. Mike was carrying Wes, followed by Elyssa and Nick. I couldn’t help but remind myself that after tonight, Nick would embrace her birth name, Liliah-Rae. Despite having grown accustomed to calling her Nick for over two years, I wondered how long it would take me to adjust to using her original name.

The veranda felt incredibly spacious, almost like a sprawling racecourse. It was quite a sight to behold Mike running after Wes, evoking memories of Mike’s younger days in contrast to his current middle-aged self. Nick and her classmates seemed to be dressed beyond their years, appearing older than their teenage selves. Most of the twenty-two students were female and looked mature for their age. As they sat on the dais, I observed the audience, trying to gauge how many people, apart from a few teachers, were around my age.

As we gathered around the table with full plates of delicious food from the buffet, I thanked Mike and Elyssa for including me in the celebration. Mike warmly embraced me and said, “I’m so happy you’re here to celebrate the graduation and this special occasion with us. We’re all family, and it’s important to celebrate together.” I thanked them again and inquired why they had four seats. We had to get one for Wes,” Elyssa explained. Wes, of course, was sitting on his dad’s lap during the event.

The newly graduated students were so happy and excited that they began to dance and leap around while cheering spontaneously. My son Mike mentioned it was time to take Elyssa and Wes home because it was late. I couldn’t help but wonder when the tables would turn, and I’d go to bed earlier than Wes. Elyssa made a playful request for us to save dessert for their seats, teasing that Mike would probably devour all the sweets if given the chance. As the wait staff brought out our food, I reminded her that my family of three would be returning soon and would want dessert.

As the evening’s activities gradually came to a close, I found myself immersed in deep contemplation. I vividly recalled the moment I cradled Lilah-Rae in my arms when she was born. Little did I know then that I would one day commemorate my eldest grandchild’s graduation from middle school. Amidst the unpredictability of life and the world, it was a profound realization to acknowledge that I was present in this moment. When Mike returned, I expressed my gratitude once more and shared my hope of being there in four years for a high school graduation and in ten years for Wes’s middle school graduation. It will be twelve years for Wes,” he gently reminded me. I was caught off guard, hurriedly reaching for a napkin to conceal my surprise.

In four years, I will be seventy-nine, and I am hopeful that I will be able to witness Liliah-Rae’s high school graduation. Looking further into the future, I am still determined to be there for another four years, but I am determined to be present for Wes’s graduation in twelve years and his little brother’s in fourteen years. As I drove home, sadness engulfed me like a fog rolling across a quiet golf course. Taking the Cranford exit off the Parkway, I came to terms with the unpredictable nature of life. Whether I partake in these future celebrations, I can only cherish my time and shower them with love and blessings, one day at a time.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Yellowface

Read: June 2023

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Yellowface: A Novel

by R.F. Kuang

I began reading Yellowface, a novel by R.F. Kuang, today. The storyline has been captivating as I scroll through the pages on my Kindle App. The book explores important themes such as cultural diversity, racism, the negative impact of cultural appropriation, and the alienation caused by social media. I find the protagonist, June Hayward, relatable and enjoyable to read about while experiencing Yellowface on my Kindle App.

June and Athena were both talented writers, but Athena’s success overshadowed June’s. After Athena’s sudden death, June rashly steals her completed manuscript, a groundbreaking novel about the Chinese laborers who contributed to World War I. June edits the book and takes credit for it, even going so far as to change her name and ethnicity for marketing purposes. She believes the story deserves to be told, regardless of who tells it.

As June’s book becomes a bestseller, she is haunted by the guilt of stealing Athena’s work. Her secret becomes harder to keep as evidence of her theft surfaces. June must confront her actions and decide how far she will go to protect her newfound success.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Interpreter of Maladies

Read: June 2022

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Interpreter of Maladies

by Jhumpa Lahiri

Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri is an incredible book. Each short story is a page-turner that I will re-read many times. As Ms. Lahiri writes, “The question of identity is always a difficult one, but especially so for those who are culturally displaced, as immigrants are, or those who grow up in two worlds simultaneously, as is the case for their children.”

Since 2000, Interpreter of Maladies has been on my reading list. For what is a writer, if not an interpreter of maladies? Perhaps, I waited until now so that I would have grief to help guide me thru this collection of short stories. I highly recommend Interpreter of Maladies.

The Goodreads summary provides a concise overview.

Navigating between the Indian traditions they’ve inherited and the baffling new world, the characters in Jhumpa Lahiri’s elegant, touching stories seek love beyond the barriers of culture and generations. In “A Temporary Matter,” published in The New Yorker, a young Indian-American couple faces the heartbreak of a stillborn birth. At the same time, their Boston neighborhood copes with a nightly blackout. In the title story, an interpreter guides an American family through the India of their ancestors and hears an astonishing confession. Lahiri writes with deft cultural insight reminiscent of Anita Desai and a nuanced depth that recalls Mavis Gallant.


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Read: July 2023

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The Anniversary

by Stephanie Bishop

I began reading Stephanie Bishop‘s novel, The Anniversary, today. The Anniversary is a brilliantly written novel with a gripping and fast-paced storyline. It poses some interesting questions: how blurred is the boundary between reality and fiction in a writer’s thoughts? How can we reject those we yearn for? And what are the consequences for ourselves, others, and our creativity if we don’t?

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As they sail in the sun for days, with only dark water surrounding them, a storm unexpectedly strikes, and Patrick falls from the ship. J.B. is left alone, and the search for the truth about their marriage and what happened to Patrick begins.

The Anniversary is highly recommended for readers who enjoy Lisa Halliday and Susan Choi’s works. The story revolves around a talented writer who has to confront the unresolved death of her spouse and find the courage to stand on her own. It is a captivating page-turner that will keep you hooked till the end.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Beautyland: A Novel

Read: June 2024

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Beautyland: A Novel

by Marie-Helene Bertino

I started reading “Beautyland: A Novel” by Marie-Helene Bertino today. The novel is about the fragility and resilience of life on Earth and in our universe. It tells the story of a baby born with extraordinary perception to a single mother in Philadelphia when Voyager 1 embarks on its interstellar journey. As we follow Adina Giorno’s growth, we witness her awakening to her exceptional nature—a profound understanding of a distant planet.

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Beautyland‘ is a wise, tender novel about a woman who doesn’t feel at home on Earth, penned by the highly acclaimed Marie-Helene Bertino, the author of ‘Parakeet.’ With her proven ability to craft compelling narratives, Bertino’s ‘Beautyland’ is a surefire way to captivate readers interested in contemporary fiction, themes of identity, and human connection.

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Evergreen

Read: October 2022

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Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson

by Kirsten Robinson

Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson is a tribute to the enduring resilience of human nature as we cycle through times of light and darkness, much like nature itself. In her debut book, Kirsten Robinson (@NakedWriting) lays her heart bare in a raw, relatable, and inspirational way to describe the journey of growth born out of finding beauty in breakage and love after loss.

Albeit a cliche, the book jumped off the shelf and into my hands when I saw it in Hickory & Hill General Store in Cranford.

This artfully honest collection embodies and expands upon the poetry and prose Robinson began writing under the famous social media pseudonym Naked Writing.

I highly recommend this book and intend to keep it at my bedside for a pick-me-up.

Although I have only started reading the poems, I want to share two that resonated with me.

The first one is on giving thanks.

Give thanks for all
that is good and beautiful;
the gifts you carry
people who lift you up
your big, big love
faith and trust that your life
is unfolding as it should

Give thanks for all
that has been difficult and hard;
trials tribulations tears
tests of self strength fears
all of the unknowns and days
that broke you

Without the darkness
you would not have
learned to appreciate the light

A second one on bravery.

Bravery
is not about standing tall
after you’ve climbed up
the top of a mountain

Bravery
is looking
fear
heartache
rejection
terror
loss
death
in the eye
and saying, “no,
not today”

Bravery
is standing back up
after you’ve been brought down
to your knees


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Surgeon's Daughter

Read: July 2022

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The Surgeon’s Daughter

by Audrey Blake

I did something I had not done in decades. After finishing the Big Library Read of 2022, The Girl in His Shadow, by Audrey Blake, I immediately started reading the sequel, The Surgeon’s Daughter. The protagonist, Nora Beady, was such a strong female lead that I could not wait to find out what happened next. In the sequel, Nora Beady, the only female student at a prestigious medical school in Bologna, is a rarity. Nora’s tenacity and passion reminded me of Jan, the love of my life.

In the 19th century, women were supposed to remain at home and raise children, so her unconventional, indelicate ambitions to become a licensed surgeon offended the men around her.

Ms. Blake has a split personality— because she is the creative alter ego of writing duo Jaima Fixsen and Regina Sirois, two authors who met as finalists of a writing contest and have been writing together happily ever since.

The pen name – Audrey Blake – was in response to the publishers recommending a more straightforward author’s name. Regina’s daughter is named Audrey, and Jaima’s son is Blake.

The Surgeon’s Daughter is the forty-fourth book I have read this year and the ninety-ninth since the beginning of 2019. My Goodreads goal for 2022 was twenty-two books.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Under constant scrutiny, Nora’s successes are taken for granted; her mistakes used as proof that women aren’t suited to the field.

Everything changes when she allies herself with Magdalena Morenco, the sole female doctor on-staff. Together the two women develop new techniques to improve a groundbreaking surgery: the Cesarean section. It’s a highly dangerous procedure and the research is grueling, but even worse is the vitriolic response from men. Most don’t trust the findings of women, and many can choose to deny their wives medical care.

Already facing resistance on all sides, Nora is shaken when she meets a patient who will die without the surgery. If the procedure is successful, her work could change the world. But a failure could cost everything: precious lives, Nora’s career, and the role women will be allowed to play in medicine.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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