Grief’s Lesson: Serving and Blessing the Living!

Estimated reading time: 13 minutes, 10 seconds

Community

I texted Rich Uniacke, the President of Bridges, as I departed from Newark Penn Station and asked if I could pick up a Box of Joe. Sadly, I received a negative response each time. Despite this disappointment, I remained in good spirits. I looked forward to assisting my unhoused neighbors as I traveled from the station to the historic Military Park, where the event occurred.

Upon arriving at the park, I immediately sought out one of the Bridges Outreach Vans and joined the staff and volunteers in unloading food, clothing, and other essential items. Even though I consider myself in good shape from my daily walks, carrying the boxes was a stark reminder that my body was three-quarters of a century old. Despite the physical strain, I was greeted warmly by familiar faces and new acquaintances alike. I took the time to welcome and introduce myself to everyone, making a special effort to express my gratitude to my friend and neighbor Jo Ann, who had also joined us.

Bridges Service Fair

As I stood at a table during the Bridges Project Connect Service Fair, I gazed at the long line of individuals who were experiencing homelessness or struggling with housing instability. I offered fruits to those in need, echoing, “Bananas? Oranges?” I was eager to lend a helping hand to my unhoused neighbors.

When I first learned about the event, I eagerly volunteered. As the board chair, my presence was crucial, and I assumed that other board members would also be in attendance. However, I ended up being the sole board member present. Despite this, the five hours I spent at the event were the most fulfilling part of my day, reminding me of the importance of contributing to the betterment of our world. While I felt like I was serving and blessing my community, I also realized that I was truly blessed by the opportunity to make a positive impact.

Tic-Tac-Toe Love

I remember her saying, “I made a mental list, not a written one,” as if it were the only way to find true love. Once I knew what I was looking for, I would meet and interview potential partners.” Since my wife passed away, I’ve heard similar lines from several women. In 1993, my wife and I watched and re-watched the movie Sleepless in Seattle. Living alone and being single, I reflect on those sleepless nights and one of the memorable lines, “The world of dating has changed so much since then.”

As my readers know, I fell in love last summer, like a meteor falling from the sky. I had felt she was remarkable for a year before I expressed my feelings. I went from thinking I liked her to loving her now and forever. We never met in person after that time until one brief encounter. If you want to meet, I have time before my train leaves,” was a text message I had waited months to receive. I responded ‘yes’ without checking the train schedule. The memory of that day is etched in my mind as though it were yesterday. We had agreed to meet briefly in the lobby, and as soon as I saw her, I couldn’t help but express my love for her. She looked surprised and pleased, and for a moment, I felt like we were in a romantic movie.

As I held her close, I was overcome by teenage emotions and asked if I could kiss her. Our lips touched, and I felt a rush of intense feelings that I hadn’t experienced since my wife passed away. I wanted to complete the kiss, but at the same time, I felt so close to her that I pulled away, unsure of what either of us wanted or needed.

She picked up her bag and looked around to ensure everything was in place. “Nothing happened,” she repeated several times. I reminded her that we had agreed to meet with the understanding that we wouldn’t do anything we would regret. She responded with the same mantra: nothing had happened. I explained that when our lips touched, I felt that if we proceeded, it might put us in a position of no return.

As she started to board her train, I said I loved her now and forever. She looked unhappy and said, “Don’t say that; it makes me uncomfortable as I do not feel that way.” A chill fell over our space. Can I kiss you?” Hearing no response, I lifted her bag and handed it to her. The bag was weightless compared to the weight of loneliness I felt. This experience taught me the importance of clear communication and understanding mutual feelings in a relationship.

I wouldn’t say I was devastated, but I felt lost and without guidance for several months, like Moses in the desert. By my birthday, I was ready to give up and accept that I would be alone for the rest of my life. Then, on my birthday walk, she called to be the first to wish me a happy birthday. She ended her message by saying, “I love you.” I felt a surge of hope but feared my heart would be shattered again. This experience made me realize the importance of hope and the fear of potential heartbreak in love.

Let me say that my love will never die for her, and in those moments in the spring, I was falling for her even more than I had initially. Then, in conversation, she tells me how her latest search for a mate had not worked despite “my having a list of the perfect attributes.” I felt I was sinking into quicksand, but she continued, ‘It did not work, as he was not honest.'” I wanted to plead my case and say I had been honest, but I remained silent.

Even if I reach the age of one hundred, I would still love her; however, I realize that she will never love me. My only hope is for us to remain friends and let go of any hope for a romantic relationship. At my age, it’s unlikely that I’ll love someone again, but as Dr. Marcia Fieldstone (played by Caroline Aaron) in Sleepless in Seattle said, “People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again.” I can love again, but I wonder if I will ever find a woman who can love me.

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Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy

Read: November 2022

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Civil War by Other Means

by Jeremi Suri

Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri is the perfect book to help us understand our failures at creating a multi-racial democracy in the nineteenth century and how this has weakened and divided our nation. Jeremi Suri chronicles the events after the civil war, from Lincoln’s assassination to Garfield’s, and how they were a continuation of the war by other means.

I purchased a signed copy and watched a video presentation by Dr. Suri due to my membership at One Day University. Civil War by Other Means is a vivid and unsettling portrait of a country striving to rebuild itself but unable to compromise on or adhere to the most basic democratic tenets. 

I highly recommend Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri.

In addition, the documentary, on Apple TV+, Lowndes County and the Road to Black Power is a companion piece that illustrates the continued failure to create a multi-racial democracy. Jeremi Suri makes a convincing case that the eternal struggle for democracy continues in our time.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

In 1865, the Confederacy was comprehensively defeated, its economy shattered, its leaders in exile or in jail. Yet in the years that followed, Lincoln’s vision of a genuinely united country never took root. Apart from a few brief months, when the presence of the Union army in the South proved liberating for newly freed Black Americans, the military victory was squandered. Old white supremacist efforts returned, more ferocious than before.

In Civil War by Other Means, Jeremi Suri shows how resistance to a more equal Union began immediately. From the first postwar riots to the return of Confederate exiles, to the impeachment of Andrew Johnson, to the highly contested and consequential election of 1876, Suri explores the conflicts and questions Americans wrestled with as competing visions of democracy, race, and freedom came to a vicious breaking point.

What emerges is a vivid and, at times, unsettling portrait of a country striving to rebuild itself but unable to compromise on or adhere to the most basic democratic tenets. What should have been a moment of national renewal was ultimately wasted, with reverberations still felt today. The recent shocks to American democracy are rooted in this forgotten, urgent history.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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In Five Years

Read: September 2021

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In Five Years

by Rebecca Serle

In Five Years by Rebecca Serle is a good, quick read. It is an “unforgettable love story that reminds us of the power of loyalty, friendship, and the unpredictable nature of destiny.”

The protagonist Dannie Kohan is a Type A lawyer who has her life planned out by the numbers. Everything she believes will happen according to her plan. But life sometimes throws us a curveball.

She applies for the job she has always wanted, and her boyfriend proposes to her. Everything is going according to her plan. She returns home believing that life is going as planned and falls asleep.

But when she wakes up, she’s suddenly in a different apartment, with a different ring on her finger, and beside a very different man. The television news is on in the background, and she can make out the scrolling date. It’s the same night—December 15—but 2025, five years in the future.

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In five years is a question I am asking myself. Where will I be five years after Jan’s death?

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Us Fools

Read: November 2024

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Us Fools: A Novel

by Nora Lange

Today, I embarked on the journey of Us Fools by Nora Lange. This poignant and personal American narrative is about two remarkable sisters who, against all odds, come of age during the Midwestern farm crisis of the 1980s. In her debut novel, Nora Lange has crafted a lively, ambitious, and heart-wrenching portrait of two unique sisters determined to persevere despite the harsh realities of capitalism and their circumstances. After a pivotal national election, this seemed like the perfect book to read.

Joanne and Bernadette Fareown, born and raised on a family farm in rural Illinois, are deeply impacted by their parents’ tumultuous relationship and mounting financial debt, haunted by the unsettling history of the women in their family. Left to fend for themselves, the sisters delve into Greek mythology, feminism, and Virginia Woolf. As they grapple with these trying circumstances, they must devise unique coping mechanisms and question the validity of the American Dream. At the same time, the rest of the nation disregards their struggling community.

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Welcome Home, Stranger: A Novel

Read: January 2024

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Welcome Home, Stranger: A Novel

by Kate Christensen

Today, I began reading “Welcome Home, Stranger: A Novel” by Kate Christensen. The book tells the story of a woman in her fifties who returns home to Maine after her mother’s passing. The novel explores themes of grief, love, growing older, and family complexities. It raises the question: Can you ever honestly go back home?

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Then, everything falls apart.

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Lively, witty, and painfully familiar, this sophisticated and emotionally resonant novel from the author of The Great Man holds a mirror up to modern life as it considers the way some of us must carry on now.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Lincoln in the Bardo: A Novel

Read: August 2024

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Lincoln in the Bardo: A Novel

by George Saunders

My journey with “Lincoln in the Bardo: A Novel” by George Saunders began with recognition as one of The New York Times’ 100 Best Books of the Century. As I turned its pages, I was immersed in its profound exploration of living and loving in the face of inevitable endings. The book, which struck a personal chord with me after a loss, is a testament to Saunders’ storytelling prowess and a must-read for those interested in Abraham Lincoln.

February 1862. The Civil War is less than one year old. The fighting has begun in earnest, and the nation has already realized it is in for a long, bloody struggle. Meanwhile, President Lincoln’s beloved eleven-year-old son, Willie, lies upstairs in the White House, gravely ill. In a matter of days, despite predictions of a recovery, Willie dies and is laid to rest in a Georgetown cemetery. “My poor boy, he was too good for this earth,” the president says at the time. “God has called him home.” Newspapers report that a grief-stricken Lincoln returns, alone, to the crypt several times to hold his boy’s body.

From a seed of historical truth, George Saunders weaves an unforgettable tale of familial love and loss that transcends its realistic, historical framework. The story takes a daring leap into a realm that is hilarious and terrifyingly supernatural. Willie Lincoln’s journey in a strange purgatory, where ghosts mingle, gripe, commiserate, quarrel, and enact bizarre acts of penance, is a testament to Saunders’ imaginative prowess. The monumental struggle over young Willie’s soul in this transitional state, known as the bardo in the Tibetan tradition, is a narrative that will leave you spellbound.

Lincoln in the Bardo is an astonishing feat of imagination and a bold step forward from one of his generation’s most important and influential writers. Formally daring, generous in spirit, and deeply concerned with matters of the heart, it is a testament to fiction’s ability to speak honestly and powerfully about the things that matter to us. Saunders has invented a thrilling new form that deploys a kaleidoscopic, theatrical panorama of voices to ask a timeless, profound question: How do we live and love when we know everything we love must end?

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Creation Lake: A Novel

Read: November 2024

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Creation Lake: A Novel

by Rachel Kushner

Today, I started reading Creation Lake: A Novel by Rachel Kushner, a two-time finalist for the Booker Prize and the National Book Award. This novel follows a seductive and cunning American woman who infiltrates an anarchist collective in France. It is a gripping page-turner filled with dark humor. Creation Lake is Kushner‘s finest achievement—a work of high art, comedy, and unforgettable pleasure.

The story revolves around a secret agent, a thirty-four-year-old American woman who employs ruthless tactics and possesses striking beauty. She is sent to carry out covert operations in France. The narrator introduces herself as “Sadie Smith” when she arrives at a rural commune of French subversives, whom she is secretly monitoring, and to her lover, Lucien, a young and well-to-do Parisian whom she meets by so-called “cold bump”—making him believe their encounter was accidental. Like everyone else she targets, Lucien is helpful to her and ultimately manipulated by her. Sadie operates with strategy and deception, following instructions from her “contacts”—shadowy figures in business and government. Initially, these contacts want her to provoke reactions. As the story progresses, their demands become more complex.

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