About Richard W. Brown

After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.

Discovering Altruism as the Antidote to Love and Grief

“Can you please hold on for a moment? I need to make a quick phone call,” she asked. With my hand over the mouthpiece, I asked for a minute to handle the call. Since moving into Clara Martini’s Mansion, a one-bedroom place without heat or hot water, I had encouraged my colleagues to rent the larger apartment next door. Allowing their apartment to use the same phone number as mine was how I treated others as cousins. Until late November, I had not felt the need to make any calls, and the number of times people called for me could be counted on one hand. However, after meeting Jan, I constantly wanted to talk to her. What was supposed to be a minute-long interruption turned into over an hour. I realized that instead of being a considerate neighbor, I had selfishly focused only on my needs.

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Publicly Mourning
Helped Me to Learn and Grow

It has been almost thirty-eight months since my wife passed away. Losing a loved one, particularly a spouse, is an experience no one would wish for. Atul Gawande wrote in “Being Mortal” that we have come to believe that every medical professional has a magic cure to prevent death or postpone it indefinitely. However, the truth is that death is one of the life cycle events encoded in our DNA.

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After Three Years
How Am I Doing?

On a significant note, I participated in the Passport to Wellness Walk this past Saturday, a community fundraising event sponsored by MHANJ. The message on my t-shirt, “Wellness—A Journey Worth Taking,” Resonated deeply. The compass symbol on the shirt, representing the essential elements of wellness, was a powerful reminder that we’re all on this journey together, striving for balance in physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, environmental, financial, occupational, and social aspects of life.

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On Jan Lilien’s 3rd Yahrzeit,
A Ritual Helps Me Embrace the Future!

The soft, flickering glow of the Yahrzeit Candle paints a poignant tableau on the walls, ceiling, and floor of my kitchen, creating a serene atmosphere. For the last two years, I’ve placed this candle before a photo of my beloved wife, Jan. Tonight, I’ve encircled it with three images that capture precious moments of our sons, their wives, and our two grandchildren. Each image is a gateway to a cherished memory, stirring a deep nostalgia and a profound love that defies time constraints. Have you ever found yourself lost in a sea of photos, searching for the perfect ones? As I was doing so, I realized that I still had thousands of digital pictures of Wes waiting to be printed and framed. Keeping up with the life changes requires time and effort.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

The Swimmers: A Novel

Read: October 2022

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The Swimmers: A Novel

by Julie Otsuka

The Swimmers: A Novel by Julie Otsuka is a novel about what happens to a group of obsessed recreational swimmers when a crack appears at the bottom of their local pool. This searing, intimate story of mothers and daughters—and the sorrows of implacable loss—is the most commanding and unforgettable work yet from a modern master. I highly recommend The Swimmers: A Novel by Julie Otsuka.

The novel was a page-turner from the first to the last page. It had been on my to-read list for months, and I am happy to start reading The Swimmers: A Novel by Julie Otsuka

Memory loss is a frightening situation for anyone. Ms. Otuska writes powerfully and eloquently about Alice’s loss of her memory. I felt as if it was one of my loved ones.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

The swimmers are unknown to one another except through their private routines (slow lane, medium lane, fast lane) and the solace each takes in their morning or afternoon laps. But when a crack appears at the bottom of the pool, they are cast out into an unforgiving world without comfort or relief.

One of these swimmers is Alice, who is slowly losing her memory. The pool was a final stand against the darkness of her encroaching dementia for Alice. Without the fellowship of other swimmers and the routine of her daily laps, she is plunged into dislocation and chaos, swept into memories of her childhood and the Japanese American incarceration camp where she spent the war. Alice’s estranged daughter, reentering her mother’s life too late, witnesses her stark and devastating decline.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Booth

Read: January 2023

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Booth: A Novel

by Karen Joy Fowler

Booth by Karen Joy Fowler was on my to-read list for several months. Booth is an epic and intimate novel about the family behind one of the most infamous figures in American history: John Wilkes Booth. I have always been fascinated by history, especially the Civil War. Booth is a startling portrait of a country in the throes of change and a vivid exploration of the ties that make and break a family. It is the second book I have read this year.

Ms. Fowler struggled with how to write this novel without focusing on the cruelest member of the Booth family. She succeeded, but I sometimes felt confused about the type of book I was reading. Was it historical fiction or a textbook?

In the afterword, she admits that there is more of the story in the children of the siblings of John Wilkes Booth. I wish I knew more about that generation and how they responded to the notoriety. A family tree would have helped as there are many family members.

I recommend Booth as history is a dynamic lesson we must keep studying.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

In 1822, a secret family moved into a secret cabin some thirty miles northeast of Baltimore to farm, hide, and bear ten children over the next sixteen years. Junius Booth–breadwinner, celebrated Shakespearean actor, and master of the house in more ways than one–is at once a mesmerizing talent and a man of terrifying instability. One by one, the children arrive, as year by year, the country draws frighteningly closer to the boiling point of secession and civil war.

As the tenor of the world shifts, the Booths emerge from their hidden lives to cement their place as one of the country’s leading theatrical families. But behind the curtains of the many stages they have graced, multiple scandals, family triumphs, and criminal disasters begin to take their toll, and the solemn siblings of John Wilkes Booth are left to reckon with the truth behind the destructively specious promise of an early prophecy.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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The City We Became

Read: October 2021

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The City We Became: A Novel

by N. K. Jemisin

The City We Became: A Novel by N. K. Jemisin is my first science fiction and urban fantasy novel in quite some time. It is a story of culture, identity, magic, and myths in contemporary New York City. Jan and I had lived in New York City, and the book brought back fond memories.

Every great city has a soul. Some are ancient as myths, and others are as new and destructive as children.

But every City also has a dark side. A roiling, ancient evil stirs beneath the earth, threatening to destroy the City and her five protectors unless they can come together and stop it once and for all.

As Jemisin writes:

A city is never alone, not really — and this city seems less solitary than most. More like a family: many parts, frequently squabbling … but in the end, against enemies, they come together to protect one another. They must, or die.

The challenge is when evil forces threaten the City; the entire community needs to unite, and the City’s avatars for each of the five boroughs.

Initially, this is supposed to be one for each borough and one for the entire City. In the end, one of the avatars for the five boroughs chooses not to unite with the others. Without all six, they stand no chance to defeat the forces of evil.

How do they solve this? By adding the sixth borough – Jersey City.

I recommend this book without reservation.

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When I'm Gone, Look for Me in the East

Read: January 2023

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When I’m Gone, Look for Me in the East

by Quan Barry

When I’m Gone, Look for Me in the East by Quan Barry is a luminous novel that moves across a windswept Mongolia as a pair of estranged twin brothers make a journey of duty, conflict, and renewed understanding. Since Jan died, I have been sharing her love and not looking for her, so this novel attracted me as it was a counter-narrative. Are our lives our own, or do we belong to something more significant?

When I’m Gone, Look for Me in the East is a stunningly far-flung examination of our struggle to retain our convictions and discover meaning in a fast-changing world, as well as a meditation on accepting what is.

Although I know only a limited amount about Buddhism and even less about Mongolia, I found When I’m Gone, Look for Me in the East a fascinating page-turner of a novel.

Coincidently, while en route to see Memorial, we stopped to eat at a Mexican-Peruvian restaurant on Tenth Avenue in NYC. On the television was a continuous loop of a travelogue on Mongolia.

I found several quotes that I have used in other posts already.

  • “Sometimes faith is the only medicine available.”
  • “When the only hope is a boat and there is no boat, I will be the boat.”

I plan to use others in future posts.

Love never dies, and this quote echoed my belief.

“Love is neither created nor destroyed. It exists at all times and in all dimensions. Love is not something we create—it is something that wells up in us, like sap in a tree. It is an element in the fabric of the universe. Even on that distant day when sentient beings no longer exist, Love carries on. Perhaps our personal relationship to Love is impermanent, but Love itself is not.”

I highly recommend When I’m Gone, Look for Me in the East.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Tasked with finding the reincarnation of a great lama somewhere in the vast Mongolian landscape, the young monk Chuluun seeks the help of his identical twin, Mun, who was recognized as a reincarnation himself as a child but has since renounced their once shared monastic life.

Harking back to her vivid and magical first novel set in Vietnam, Quan Barry carries us across a landscape as unforgiving as it is beautiful and culturally varied, from the stark Gobi Desert to the ancient capital of Chinggis Khan. As their country stretches before them, questions of the immortal soul, along with more earthly matters of love, sex, and brotherhood, haunt the twins, who can hear each other’s thoughts.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Something About Living

Read: November 2024

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Something About Living

by Lena Khalaf Tuffaha

I recently read “Something About Living” by Lena Khalaf Tuffaha, a poet and essayist whose work resonates deeply. The book of poems won the 2024 National Book Award for Poetry and delved into Palestinian life through the lens of the American language, revealing a legacy of obfuscation and erasure. It questions what happens when language packages ongoing disasters for consumption and disposal.

As a Jew supporting a two-state solution, I initially hesitated to read this collection of poems. However, I was pleasantly surprised by the lyrical beauty of the verses, which explore love not just as an emotion but as a transformative force and “a radical act.” Every poem that genuinely resonated with me. “Something About Living” is a book I highly recommend for its depth and insight!

Ms. Khalaf Tuffaha has an incredible literary repertoire; her previous work, “Water & Salt,” earned the esteemed 2018 Washington State Book Award, while “Kaan & Her Sisters” was a finalist for the Firecracker Award. In addition, “Something About Living” also received the 2022 Akron Prize for Poetry. I’m excited to explore her profound insights and lyrical mastery!

Adrian Matejka, the author of “Somebody Else Sold the World,” has written about “Something About Living,”

“It’s nearly impossible to write poetry that simultaneously holds the human desire for joy and the insistent agitations of protest, but Lena Khalaf Tuffaha‘s gorgeous and wide-ranging new collection Something About Living does just that. Her poems interweave Palestine’s historic suffering, the challenges of living in this world full of violence and ill will, and the gentle delights we embrace to survive that violence. Khalaf Tuffaha’s elegant poems sing the fractured songs of Diaspora while remaining clear-eyed to the cause of the fracturing: the multinational hubris of colonialism and greed. This collection is her witness to our collective unraveling, vowel by vowel, syllable by syllable. “Let the plural be a return of us,” the speaker of “On the Thirtieth Friday We Consider Plurals” says and this plurality is our tenuous humanity and the deep need to hang on to kindness in our communities. In these poems Khalaf Tuffaha reminds us that love isn’t an idea; it is a radical act. Especially for those who, like this poet, travel through the world vigilantly, but steadfastly remain heart first.



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Camp Zero

Read: April 2023

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Camp Zero: A Novel

by Michelle Min Sterling

I recently read an incredible novel called Camp Zero by Michelle Min Sterling. The book tells the story of several climate change survivors in a near-future northern settlement and explores the intersection of gender, class, and migration. The novel is a page-turner and a masterful exploration of who and what will survive in a warming world.

The story follows Rose, a young woman who agrees to spy on the architect of an American building project in exchange for housing. She arrives at the same time as Grant, a college professor who is trying to escape his wealthy family’s dark legacy. As they begin to investigate the mysterious architect, they uncover a disturbing mystery lurking beneath the surface of the camp.

One of the most fascinating aspects of the novel is the inclusion of an elite group of women soldiers living and working at a nearby Cold War-era climate research station. The rumors surrounding their presence add more intrigue to an already compelling story.

If you’re looking for a captivating novel that will keep you on the edge of your seat, I highly recommend Camp Zero. The book is a mesmerizing and transportive read, perfect for fans of Station Eleven and The Power.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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