Grief Journey

Richard’s Grief Journey from the Island of Grief back to the land of love.

Walking Clears My Head. Will it Give Me a Longer, Healthy Life?

After my wife passed away, my life took a new direction, one focused on health, novelty, community, and purpose. I found solace in walking, reading, working with Bridges and others in my community, and searching for meaning and purpose. Despite my efforts to explain why these activities have become essential to me, some people believe that I am being obsessive-compulsive. However, these are the ways to choose life over grieving. Every step I take, every page I turn, and every hour I contribute to Bridges contributes to my progress toward building a beloved community

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Being Out of Sync Highlights the Importance of Life’s Markers

On Walkdate 1019 (19 February 2024), I woke up feeling out of sync and disconnected from the world around me. As I opened my eyes, I realized that I was in an empty apartment, a place that had become my home since my wife died. Despite being used to this routine, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of unease. The inside temperature was at 64 degrees Fahrenheit and falling, reminding me of how my life had become unsynchronized and how I needed to find a way to get back on track.

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Love Warmed Our Heart on a Cold Lincoln’s Birthday in 1975

During the winter of 1975, just six months before our wedding, I went for a walk with Jan, my beloved partner, in the tranquil surroundings of Ft. Greene Park, across the street from her apartment. The air was frigid, and the ground was covered with a thick blanket of snow. The sudden winter storm had brought the heaviest snowfall of the year, with a whopping 7.8 inches of snow. Jan, a drug counselor at Brooklyn Automotive, had taken the day off for the holiday. Walking on the un-shoveled snow, it felt like we had stepped into a scene from the timeless classic novel and popular movie, “Dr. Zhivago.” The only sound we could hear was the crisp crunch of our boots on the icy terrain, which added to the serene and peaceful atmosphere.

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Seventy-Eights Books in 2023 Challenged Me to Live Fully

Ever since the passing of my beloved wife, I have found solace in the pages of good books. As a child and young adult, I was an avid reader, but as I grew older, I found myself reading mainly newspapers, magazines, work-related materials, or other non-book formats. However, since my wife’s passing, I have developed a newfound appreciation for fiction and have been lost in the world of novels. Some of my friends have questioned why I read books that deal with topics like death or loneliness. But, for me, the answer is simple: I read to explore life’s complexities, which include the experience of loss, grief, and the struggle to survive against all odds. Through the pages of these books, I find comfort, understanding, and a deeper connection to the world around me.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

God Shot

Read: December 2021

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God Shot by Chelsea Bieker

by Chelsea Bieker

God Shot by Chelsea Bieker, one of NPR’s Books We Love from 2020, is about the town of Peaches, California, where drought has settled in for the long term. The area of the Central Valley where fourteen-year-old Lacey May and her alcoholic mother live was once an agricultural paradise. Now it’s an environmental disaster, a place of cracked earth and barren raisin farms.

In their desperation, residents have turned to a cult leader named Pastor Vern for guidance. Everybody is praying for survival through secret “assignments” to bring the rain.

God Shot is an enjoyable read. However, I first found it challenging to accept Pastor Vern’s assignments, especially to Lacey May and her fellow teenage girls. Would people believe in a cult leader and get “assignments” that involve women fully accepting male domination in the twenty-first century? When I had doubts, I would wake up, listen to the news, or read the papers and discover that it is plausible and does happen in our world.

After being god-shot, Lacey May becomes one day at a time feminist as she has to rely on herself and other women who do not accept Pastor Vern’s divine leadership. Slowly but surely, she and her friends find a miracle to help them escape not only the environmental disaster caused by the drought but the moral depravity of Pastor Vern.

Goodreads provides this overview of the God Shot.

Lacey has no reason to doubt the pastor. But then her life explodes in a single unimaginable act of abandonment: her mother, exiled from the community for her sins, leaves Lacey and runs off with a man she barely knows. Abandoned and distraught, Lacey May moves in with her widowed grandma, Cherry, who is more concerned with her taxidermy mouse collection than her own granddaughter. As Lacey May endures the increasingly appalling acts of men who want to write all the rules and begins to uncover the full extent of Pastor Vern’s shocking plan to bring fertility back to the land, she decides she must go on a quest to find her mother no matter what it takes. With her only guidance coming from the romance novels she reads and the unlikely companionship of the women who knew her mother, she must find her own way through unthinkable circumstances.

Possessed of an unstoppable plot and a brilliantly soulful voice, Godshot is a book of grit, humor, and heart, a debut novel about female friendship and resilience, mother loss and motherhood, and seeking salvation in unexpected places. It introduces a writer who gives Flannery O’Connor’s Gothic parables a Californian twist and who emerges with a miracle that is all her own.

I recommend this novel without reservations!

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The Brighter the Light

Read: June 2022

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The Brighter the Light

by Mary Ellen Taylor

The Brighter the Light by Mary Ellen Taylor was my eighty-ninth book since the beginning of 2019. After reading about Thomas Cromwell, I needed a change of pace. With the start of the Hurricane season, it seemed as good a time as any to read a novel by a fellow Southerner. That the book is also an “evocative dual-timeline novel detailing one woman’s journey to discover the hidden stories of her family’s seaside resort” seemed a perfect match.

I highly recommend this book. As a Southerner, I found the revealing of the hidden secrets accomplished in a style that makes this a page-turner.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

When a shipwreck surfaces, old secrets are sure to follow.

Or so goes the lore in Ivy Neale’s hometown of Nags Head, North Carolina. When Ivy inherits her family’s beachfront cottage upon her grandmother’s death, she knows returning to Nags Head means facing the best friend and the boyfriend who betrayed her years ago.

But then a winter gale uncovers the shipwreck of local legend—and Ivy soon begins to stumble across more skeletons in the closet than just her own. Amid the cottage’s clutter are clues from her grandmother’s past at the enchanting seaside resort her family once owned. One fateful summer in 1950, the arrival of a dazzling singer shook the staff and guests alike—and not everyone made it to fall.

As Ivy contends with broken relationships and a burgeoning romance in the present, the past threatens to sweep her away. But as she uncovers the strength of her grandmother and the women who came before her, she realizes she is like the legendary shipwreck: the sands may shift around her, but she has found her home here by the sea.


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Jack: A Novel

Read: March 2022

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Jack: A Novel

by Marilynne Robinson

Jack: A Novel by Marilynne Robinson is the second book in this series I have read. Previously I read,  Home, and now I have read the fourth. Without Jan by my side, I read more but not always in order. Fortunately, Jack appears in Home at a later point than is covered in this novel. That provided an understanding of the next phase of Jack and Della’s relationship.

I very much enjoyed reading this novel. Although Jan and I fell in love without all of the complexities of this couple, there were enough similarities that reminded me of how special our love was and remains. For example, our long conversations, many of which were while we walked, are reminiscent of the novel.

I highly recommend this novel. One of the reviews suggested that the next volume should be about Della. I will read that book before the ink drys.

Goodreads provides an overview.

In this book, Robinson tells the story of John Ames Boughton, the prodigal son of Gilead’s Presbyterian minister, and his romance with Della Miles, a high school teacher who is also the child of a preacher. They’re deeply felt, tormented, star-crossed interracial romance resonates with all the paradoxes of American life, then and now.

Marilynne Robinson’s mythical world of Gilead, Iowa—the setting of her novels Gilead, Home, and Lila, and now Jack—and its beloved characters have illuminated and interrogated the complexities of American history, the power of our emotions, and the wonders of a sacred world.

Robinson’s Gilead novels, which have won one Pulitzer Prize and two National Book Critics Circle Awards, are vital to contemporary American literature and a revelation of our national character and humanity.

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My Brilliant Friend

Read: July 2024

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My Brilliant Friend

by Elena Ferrante

Today, I delved into Elena Ferrante‘s captivating novel My Brilliant Friend. This acclaimed book hailed as the #1 Book of the 21st Century by the New York Times, weaves a timeless tale of the enduring bond between two women from Naples. With its rich character development and evocative historical setting, it stands alongside other character-driven works of literary fiction.

Beginning in the 1950s in a poor but vibrant neighborhood on the outskirts of Naples, Elena Ferrante’s four-volume story spans almost sixty years. The main characters, the fiery and unforgettable Lila and the bookish narrator, Elena, are bound by an enduring friendship that withstands the test of time and life’s challenges. This first novel in the series follows Lila and Elena from their fateful meeting as ten-year-olds through their school years and adolescence, evoking a sense of enduring connection and emotional resonance.

Through the lives of these two women, Ferrante weaves a compelling narrative of a neighborhood, a city, and a country undergoing profound transformation. These societal changes, in turn, also reshape the relationship between the two women, adding a rich layer of historical and cultural context to the story. This context will enrich your reading experience and provide a deeper understanding of the characters and their journey.

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The Time Traveler's Wife

Read: May 2021

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The Time Traveler’s Wife

by Audrey Niffenegger

My wife had asked me to read – The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger – on several occasions. When we first met, we both liked to read fiction and non-fiction. As we aged, I focused almost exclusively on non-fiction, and she focused on fiction. Since her passing, I have started reading more of both genres. We could now have a book club!

Both Jan and I have always enjoyed books and movies about time travel. If I could travel back in time, there are tens of thousands of days I would love to spend with her again. But time travel is not possible. Or is it? Her spirit returns to me whenever I am paralyzed and encourages me to dust myself off and keep going. Maybe one day we will time travel together!

I enjoyed reading this book, even if it was difficult to keep track of the periods. It is very much the type of time-traveling book that both of us would have liked to read, and it has helped me to imagine a world in which Jan and I will meet again.

But what if it is not time travel as imagined by H. G. Wells. As the Hasidic story foretold, God split our souls at birth and placed one part of my soul in her body and placed the rest into my body. Very few people are lucky enough to find the person who has the other half of their soul, and Jan and I did.

When my life ends, what if God takes a portion of our two souls and places them into new bodies. Each of their souls would include a part of each of us. Those two new people would have to find each other in the future to connect as we did. They might not see each other and forever hunger for true love. Whatever happened, they would not know that they once were very much in love.

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The Human Stain: A Novel

Read: September 2024

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The Human Stain: A Novel

by Philip Roth

Today, I started reading The Human Stain: A Novel by Philip Roth. This book is considered a masterpiece and has earned its place among The New York Times’ 100 Best Books of the 21st Century. The story takes place in 1998, a significant year marked by a presidential impeachment that affected the entire nation. In a peaceful New England town, the respected classics professor Coleman Silk is forced into retirement due to false accusations of racism by his colleagues.

This accusation triggers a series of events that bring to light shocking revelations about Coleman, revelations that carry a profound societal significance. Coleman Silk harbors a secret, a secret that is not about his affair with Faunia Farley, a woman half his age with a troubled past, or the alleged racism that led to his downfall at the college where he was once a respected dean. It’s not even about misogyny, despite Professor Delphine Roux’s attempts to portray him as such. Coleman’s true secret, a secret he has guarded for fifty years from everyone in his life, including his wife, children, colleagues, and friends, is a defining aspect of his character and his relationships.

The Human Stain is a compelling portrayal of 1990s America, a time of clashing moralities and ideological divisions. Through public denunciations and rituals of purification, it delves into how the nation’s destiny and the ‘human stain’ that marks human nature shape the lives of postwar Americans. This potent and captivating novel is a fitting continuation of Philip Roth‘s earlier works, each set in a distinct historical period.

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