How Did I Grieve?

Estimated reading time: 12 minutes, 26 seconds

Publicly Mourning
Helped Me to Learn and Grow

It has been almost thirty-eight months since my wife passed away. Losing a loved one, particularly a spouse, is an experience no one would wish for. Atul Gawande wrote in “Being Mortal” that we have come to believe that every medical professional has a magic cure to prevent death or postpone it indefinitely. However, the truth is that death is one of the life cycle events encoded in our DNA.

When Jan, my wife, passed away, I mourned as if I was the first ever to suffer such a loss. I didn’t know if I could choose to grieve in public or private, so I decided to write about my experiences and develop habits that served as guardrails. I shared my writings on social media, attended grief support groups, and even organized a memorial service where I spoke about Jan and our life together. Looking back, I realize the importance of public mourning as it not only helps us heal but also helps others understand and cope with their grief. My journey, marked by resilience and growth, is a testament to the human spirit’s ability to overcome even the most profound loss.

After reading Cody Delistraty‘s essay “It’s Mourning in America” in The New Yorker, I understood I had chosen the best option. The subtitle “In the past century, grief has shifted from a public process to a private problem—something meant to be solved. Is there a better way?” made me reflect on how I mourned and coped with grief. More than three years after the loss, it was a timely reminder to review where I was during the darkest days and how I have learned to live and thrive, showcasing the remarkable resilience of the human spirit.

I have experienced the loss of my parents, Jan’s parents, and friends over the years, which has given me firsthand knowledge of the impact of death. Witnessing the deceased has also been a familiar experience. However, I have struggled to understand how to mourn. As pointed out by Mr. Delistraty, there is a prevalent notion in American culture of seeking closure and swiftly moving on from loss. This concept of ‘closure’ implies that one should neatly tie up their emotions and memories of the deceased, and resume normal activities and routines without allowing oneself to linger in grief. This expectation can be challenging and even harmful, as it may prevent individuals from fully processing their grief and healing in their own time.

After nearly two years of caring for my wife before her passing, I find myself without an understanding of what ‘normal’ means, if it means anything, or how to attain a state of equilibrium that would enable me to carry on. This complexity of grief is a shared experience, and it’s okay not to have all the answers. The more than 100,000 words on my blog have been a form of public mourning. I have shared the depths of despair, the steps I have taken, and how I have grown and sometimes failed. I have found solace in nature, in the support of friends and family, and in giving back to the community. These experiences have been instrumental in my healing and growth, and I hope they can offer some guidance and comfort to others on a similar journey.

Sharing Jan’s Love

In his essay, Mr. Delistraty eloquently discusses public and private grieving traditions. Before the 20th century, death was more common, and mourning was a public process involving family, friends, and neighbors. Now, “there is the stigma of grief—the idea, now rampant in American life, of closure. Most people are reluctant to linger on loss. We are expected to get back to work and back to normal.”

For everyone I know who lost a loved one during COVID-19, the concept of closure was unachievable. Three days before my wife died, NJ Governor Murphy rescinded a rule that limited mourners at a funeral to a dozen as long as those attending practiced social distancing. This rule change was a relief, as it meant more people could attend the funeral and pay their respects to Jan. However, it also presented a new challenge. I am not sure how I would have managed a funeral with such strict limitations. Whom would I have excluded from attendance if only a dozen could attend? These unique circumstances would have added a layer of complexity to my mourning process and forced me to reconsider traditional notions of closure and mourning.

On May 5, during my wife’s funeral at Beth Israel Cemetery in Woodbridge, it was lightly raining, and many of the almost one hundred-attendees had only a day’s notice about her passing and the funeral arrangements. In this shared moment of grief, I tried to express my deep gratitude to everyone who attended, as I recognized that they, too, were mourning Jan. Although some may have perceived my actions as unusual, I felt it was important to publicly thank them and expand our shared support network as we all navigated life without my wife. Their presence and support have been a source of strength and comfort, reminding me that I am not alone in this journey of grief and healing.

Merrit Malloy’s Epitaph, which Jan and I like, was read at her funeral and will be read at mine. When Rabbi Renee read the poem, I knew clearly that I had to give her love away if I would not only mourn but honor her. The last stanza is my wife’s final message to me.

Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.

Merrit Malloy’s Epitaph

I am sharing her love not because I no longer love her but because I love her now more than ever. By sharing her love, it will come back to me even more potent. Sharing Jan’s love will keep her memory and legacy alive and strengthen us all. Sharing her passion will inspire and empower us to improve the world and make it a better place for everyone. Sharing Jan’s love is the true expression of my love for her! This commitment to sharing her passion is a testament to the enduring power of love and its ability to transcend even the most profound loss.

Being Mortal

I understood, standing by her grave, that my sense of loss was unique as Jan’s husband, but accepting that I was not the only one was a crucial step in how I would manage grief. Having read Being Mortal by Atul Gawande days before my wife’s diagnosis of lymphoma prepared me for hospice but also for acceptance that her death was unavoidable once she was also diagnosed with COVID. He reminds us that “when it comes to the inescapable realities of aging and death, what medicine can do often runs counter to what it should.” As he writes in the book, the current system does not work and, in many cases, actually shortens life. Without that knowledge, I am not sure how I would have coped with hearing from her oncologists that there was no way of treating her and hospice was the only option.

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Playground: A Novel

Read: December 2024

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Playground: A Novel

by Richard Powers

I started reading “Playground: A Novel” by Richard Powers today. This remarkable new novel comes from the Pulitzer Prize-winning and New York Times best-selling author of “The Overstory” and “Bewilderment.” Even more astonishing is that this marks my three hundredth book since I embarked on this reading journey on January 1, 2019! I’m also enjoying “Judaism Is About Love,” which means “Playground: A Novel” will be my 98th or 99th book in 2024.

In this sweeping, panoramic novel, four lives intertwine, showcasing Richard Powers at the height of his skills. Twelve-year-old Evie Beaulieu finds herself at the bottom of a swimming pool in Montreal, strapped to one of the world’s first aqua lungs. Ina Aroita grows up on naval bases across the Pacific, finding solace in art as her only home. At an elite high school in Chicago, two opposites bond over a three-thousand-year-old board game: Rafi Young gets lost in literature, while Todd Keane’s work leads to a startling breakthrough in artificial intelligence.

Their paths converge on the history-laden island of Makatea in French Polynesia, once known for its phosphorus deposits that helped sustain the world. This tiny atoll has been chosen for a groundbreaking venture: a plan to create floating, autonomous cities to venture out onto the open sea. However, the island’s residents must vote to approve the project or turn the seasteaders away.

Set against the world’s most enormous ocean backdrop, this awe-inspiring book delves into the last wild place we have yet to colonize, exploring a still-unfolding oceanic narrative. It beautifully weaves rich characters, profound themes of technology and the environment, and a deep examination of our shared humanity—and exploration that only Richard Powers can deliver.



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Such a Fun Age

Read: October 2021

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Such a Fun Age

by Kiley Reid

Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid. Although many reviewers highly rated this book, I was unsure it was the book for me. However, once I started reading, I could not stop. It is “a striking and surprising debut novel from a compelling new voice. Such a Fun Age is a big-hearted story about race and privilege, set around a young Black babysitter, her well-intentioned employer, and a surprising connection that threatens to undo them both.

Alix Chamberlain is a woman who gets what she wants and has made a living with her confidence-driven brand, showing other women how to do the same. So she is shocked when her babysitter, Emira Tucker, is confronted while watching the Chamberlains’ toddler one night, walking the aisles of their local high-end supermarket. The store’s security guard, seeing a young Black woman out late with a White child, accuses Emira of kidnapping two-year-old Briar. A small crowd gathers, a bystander films everything, and Emira is furious and humiliated. Alix resolves to make things right.

But Emira herself is aimless, broke, and wary of Alix’s desire to help. At 25, she is about to lose her health insurance and has no idea what to do with her life. When the video of Emira unearths someone from Alix’s past, both women find themselves on a crash course that will upend everything they think they know about themselves and each other.

With empathy and piercing social commentary, Such a Fun Ageexplores the stickiness of transactional relationships, what it means to make someone “family”, and the complicated reality of being a grown-up. It is a searing debut for our times.

When race and privilege are paramount issues, this book is a first step to understanding the intersectionality of the issues and addressing them. I recommend this book with our reservation.

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Welcome Home, Stranger: A Novel

Read: January 2024

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Welcome Home, Stranger: A Novel

by Kate Christensen

Today, I began reading “Welcome Home, Stranger: A Novel” by Kate Christensen. The book tells the story of a woman in her fifties who returns home to Maine after her mother’s passing. The novel explores themes of grief, love, growing older, and family complexities. It raises the question: Can you ever honestly go back home?

Rachel is an environmental journalist living in Washington, DC. She has been estranged from her working-class family in New England for many years. Having gone through a divorce and being childless in her middle age, Rachel is a truly independent spirit who has experienced a lot of pain. She feels like her life is falling apart and is struggling to cope with big and small challenges. However, her life takes a different turn when she gets a call to return home for her mother’s funeral.

Then, everything falls apart.

Rachel is surrounded by a cast of characters who are sometimes comical, sometimes heartbreakingly earnest. Her sister is an arriviste, her brother-in-law is an alcoholic, and the love of her life has recently married her sister’s best friend. Rachel must face her past and come to terms with the sorrow she has long buried. She must also confront the ghost of her mother, who, for better or worse, made her the woman she is today.

Lively, witty, and painfully familiar, this sophisticated and emotionally resonant novel from the author of The Great Man holds a mirror up to modern life as it considers the way some of us must carry on now.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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On the Rooftop: A Novel

Read: November 2022

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On the Rooftop: A Novel

by Margaret Wilkerson Sexton

On the Rooftop: A Novel by Margaret Wilkerson Sexton, is a stunning novel about a mother whose dream of musical stardom for her three daughters collides with the daughters’ ambitions for their own lives—set against the backdrop of gentrifying 1950s San Francisco. The first few pages moved glacially and then the story unfolded fully and became a page-turner that I highly recommend.

After hearing Ms. Sexton’s interview on Get Lit with All Of It, a monthly on-air, social media, in-person, and live-stream book club hosted by Alison Stewart of WNYC’s All Of It, I picked up the book. The novel had been on my to-read list.

The novel was loosely based on Fiddler on the Roof and it worked exceedingly well. Vivian is the overbearing mother and the daughters who have their own dreams and goals. With urban renewal, AKA Urban Renewal, as the backdrop, the novel was one that I could not put down.

The small section of the song that Esther writes so she can sing for her people, was a song I wish I could hear in its entirety. That Chole choose to sing it for final audition made it even more powerful.

You put words to the music inside my heart You showed me the world could be its own art I’d never felt myself so whole before I’d never known how much I could reach for.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

At home they are just sisters, but on stage, they are The Salvations. Ruth, Esther, and Chloe have been singing and dancing in harmony since they could speak. Thanks to the rigorous direction of their mother, Vivian, they’ve become a bona fide girl group whose shows are the talk of the Jazz-era Fillmore.

Now Vivian has scored a once-in-a-lifetime offer from a talent manager, who promises to catapult The Salvations into the national spotlight. Vivian knows this is the big break she’s been praying for. But sometime between the hours of rehearsal on their rooftop and the weekly gigs at the Champagne Supper Club, the girls have become women, women with dreams that their mother cannot imagine.

The neighborhood is changing, too: all around the Fillmore, white men in suits are approaching Black property owners with offers. One sister finds herself called to fight back, one falls into the comfort of an old relationship, and another yearns to make her voice heard. And Vivian, who has always maintained control, will have to confront the parts of her life that threaten to splinter: the community, The Salvations, and even her family.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Swimmers: A Novel

Read: October 2022

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The Swimmers: A Novel

by Julie Otsuka

The Swimmers: A Novel by Julie Otsuka is a novel about what happens to a group of obsessed recreational swimmers when a crack appears at the bottom of their local pool. This searing, intimate story of mothers and daughters—and the sorrows of implacable loss—is the most commanding and unforgettable work yet from a modern master. I highly recommend The Swimmers: A Novel by Julie Otsuka.

The novel was a page-turner from the first to the last page. It had been on my to-read list for months, and I am happy to start reading The Swimmers: A Novel by Julie Otsuka

Memory loss is a frightening situation for anyone. Ms. Otuska writes powerfully and eloquently about Alice’s loss of her memory. I felt as if it was one of my loved ones.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

The swimmers are unknown to one another except through their private routines (slow lane, medium lane, fast lane) and the solace each takes in their morning or afternoon laps. But when a crack appears at the bottom of the pool, they are cast out into an unforgiving world without comfort or relief.

One of these swimmers is Alice, who is slowly losing her memory. The pool was a final stand against the darkness of her encroaching dementia for Alice. Without the fellowship of other swimmers and the routine of her daily laps, she is plunged into dislocation and chaos, swept into memories of her childhood and the Japanese American incarceration camp where she spent the war. Alice’s estranged daughter, reentering her mother’s life too late, witnesses her stark and devastating decline.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Never Forget Our People Were Always Free

Read: March 2024

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Never Forget Our People Were Always Free

by Ben Jealous

Today, I started reading “Never Forget Our People Were Always Free: A Parable of American Healing” by Ben Jealous, the Executive Director of the Sierra Club. The book highlights how the path to healing America’s broken heart begins with each of us having the courage to heal ourselves. According to Mr. Jealous, it would be transformative if every American treated each other as cousins.

Ben Jealous is the son of parents who had to leave Maryland because their cross-racial marriage was illegal.

I briefly met Ben Jealous last May when I went to Washington with the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism‘s Day of Action. When I saw Mr. Jealous speaking at Temple Emanu-El in neighboring Westfield, I immediately signed up to attend in person. He is an inspiration as an advocate for the environment, civil rights, and the healing of America’s broken heart.

His lively, courageous, and empathetic storytelling calls on every American to look past deeply cut divisions and recognize that we are all in the same boat now. Along the way, Jealous grapples with hidden American mysteries, including:

  • Why do white men die from suicide more often than black men die from murder?
  • How did racial profiling kill an American president?
  • What happens when a Ku Klux Klansman wrestles with what Jesus said?
  • How did Dave Chappelle know the DC Snipers were Black?
  • Why shouldn’t the civil rights movement give up on rednecks?
  • When is what we have collectively forgotten about race more important than what we know?
  • What do the most indecipherable things our elders say tell us about ourselves?

The book Never Forget Our People Were Always Free is told through parables. It features intimate glimpses of political and faith leaders such as Jack Kemp, Stacey Abrams, and the late Archbishop Desmond Tutu. The book also highlights unlikely heroes such as a retired constable, a female pirate from Madagascar, a long-lost Irishman, a death row inmate, and a man with a Confederate flag over his heart.

Never Forget Our People Were Always Free offers readers hope that America’s oldest wounds can heal and her oldest divisions can be overcome.

Although I have only read a handful of pages of the book, I highly recommend it!

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