How Did I Grieve?

Estimated reading time: 12 minutes, 26 seconds

Publicly Mourning
Helped Me to Learn and Grow

It has been almost thirty-eight months since my wife passed away. Losing a loved one, particularly a spouse, is an experience no one would wish for. Atul Gawande wrote in “Being Mortal” that we have come to believe that every medical professional has a magic cure to prevent death or postpone it indefinitely. However, the truth is that death is one of the life cycle events encoded in our DNA.

When Jan, my wife, passed away, I mourned as if I was the first ever to suffer such a loss. I didn’t know if I could choose to grieve in public or private, so I decided to write about my experiences and develop habits that served as guardrails. I shared my writings on social media, attended grief support groups, and even organized a memorial service where I spoke about Jan and our life together. Looking back, I realize the importance of public mourning as it not only helps us heal but also helps others understand and cope with their grief. My journey, marked by resilience and growth, is a testament to the human spirit’s ability to overcome even the most profound loss.

After reading Cody Delistraty‘s essay “It’s Mourning in America” in The New Yorker, I understood I had chosen the best option. The subtitle “In the past century, grief has shifted from a public process to a private problem—something meant to be solved. Is there a better way?” made me reflect on how I mourned and coped with grief. More than three years after the loss, it was a timely reminder to review where I was during the darkest days and how I have learned to live and thrive, showcasing the remarkable resilience of the human spirit.

I have experienced the loss of my parents, Jan’s parents, and friends over the years, which has given me firsthand knowledge of the impact of death. Witnessing the deceased has also been a familiar experience. However, I have struggled to understand how to mourn. As pointed out by Mr. Delistraty, there is a prevalent notion in American culture of seeking closure and swiftly moving on from loss. This concept of ‘closure’ implies that one should neatly tie up their emotions and memories of the deceased, and resume normal activities and routines without allowing oneself to linger in grief. This expectation can be challenging and even harmful, as it may prevent individuals from fully processing their grief and healing in their own time.

After nearly two years of caring for my wife before her passing, I find myself without an understanding of what ‘normal’ means, if it means anything, or how to attain a state of equilibrium that would enable me to carry on. This complexity of grief is a shared experience, and it’s okay not to have all the answers. The more than 100,000 words on my blog have been a form of public mourning. I have shared the depths of despair, the steps I have taken, and how I have grown and sometimes failed. I have found solace in nature, in the support of friends and family, and in giving back to the community. These experiences have been instrumental in my healing and growth, and I hope they can offer some guidance and comfort to others on a similar journey.

Sharing Jan’s Love

In his essay, Mr. Delistraty eloquently discusses public and private grieving traditions. Before the 20th century, death was more common, and mourning was a public process involving family, friends, and neighbors. Now, “there is the stigma of grief—the idea, now rampant in American life, of closure. Most people are reluctant to linger on loss. We are expected to get back to work and back to normal.”

For everyone I know who lost a loved one during COVID-19, the concept of closure was unachievable. Three days before my wife died, NJ Governor Murphy rescinded a rule that limited mourners at a funeral to a dozen as long as those attending practiced social distancing. This rule change was a relief, as it meant more people could attend the funeral and pay their respects to Jan. However, it also presented a new challenge. I am not sure how I would have managed a funeral with such strict limitations. Whom would I have excluded from attendance if only a dozen could attend? These unique circumstances would have added a layer of complexity to my mourning process and forced me to reconsider traditional notions of closure and mourning.

On May 5, during my wife’s funeral at Beth Israel Cemetery in Woodbridge, it was lightly raining, and many of the almost one hundred-attendees had only a day’s notice about her passing and the funeral arrangements. In this shared moment of grief, I tried to express my deep gratitude to everyone who attended, as I recognized that they, too, were mourning Jan. Although some may have perceived my actions as unusual, I felt it was important to publicly thank them and expand our shared support network as we all navigated life without my wife. Their presence and support have been a source of strength and comfort, reminding me that I am not alone in this journey of grief and healing.

Merrit Malloy’s Epitaph, which Jan and I like, was read at her funeral and will be read at mine. When Rabbi Renee read the poem, I knew clearly that I had to give her love away if I would not only mourn but honor her. The last stanza is my wife’s final message to me.

Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.

Merrit Malloy’s Epitaph

I am sharing her love not because I no longer love her but because I love her now more than ever. By sharing her love, it will come back to me even more potent. Sharing Jan’s love will keep her memory and legacy alive and strengthen us all. Sharing her passion will inspire and empower us to improve the world and make it a better place for everyone. Sharing Jan’s love is the true expression of my love for her! This commitment to sharing her passion is a testament to the enduring power of love and its ability to transcend even the most profound loss.

Being Mortal

I understood, standing by her grave, that my sense of loss was unique as Jan’s husband, but accepting that I was not the only one was a crucial step in how I would manage grief. Having read Being Mortal by Atul Gawande days before my wife’s diagnosis of lymphoma prepared me for hospice but also for acceptance that her death was unavoidable once she was also diagnosed with COVID. He reminds us that “when it comes to the inescapable realities of aging and death, what medicine can do often runs counter to what it should.” As he writes in the book, the current system does not work and, in many cases, actually shortens life. Without that knowledge, I am not sure how I would have coped with hearing from her oncologists that there was no way of treating her and hospice was the only option.

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Heartwood

Read: April 2025

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Heartwood: A Novel

by Amity Gaige

Today, I embarked on the journey of Heartwood by Amity Gaige. This novel unfolds a gripping narrative as a search and rescue team races against time to find an experienced hiker who mysteriously disappears on the Appalachian Trail in Maine. The suspense of the search for Valerie is palpable, drawing you into the story with great literary ambition and love at its core.

In the heart of the Maine woods, an experienced Appalachian Trail hiker goes missing. She is forty-two-year-old Valerie Gillis, who has vanished 200 miles from her final destination. Alone in the wilderness, Valerie’s emotional struggle is palpable as she pours her thoughts into fractured, poetic letters to her mother, battling the elements and struggling to keep hoping.

At the heart of the investigation is Beverly, the determined Maine State Game Warden tasked with finding Valerie, who leads the search on the ground. Meanwhile, Lena, a seventy-six-year-old birdwatcher in a Connecticut retirement community, becomes an unexpected armchair detective. What’s unique about this narrative is that a puzzle emerges between these compelling narratives, intensifying the frantic search, as Valerie’s disappearance may not be accidental.

Heartwood is a “gem of a thousand facets—suspenseful, transporting, tender, and ultimately soul-mending” (Megan MajumdarNew York Times bestselling author of A Burning). It tells the story of a lost hiker’s odyssey and is a moving rendering of each character’s interior journey. The mystery inspires more significant questions about how we get lost and how we are found.


Amity Gaige is the author of four previous novels: O My Darling, The Folded World, Schroder, Sea Wife, a 2020 New York Times Notable Book, and a Mark Twain American Voice Award finalist. Schroder was also a New York Times Notable Book and the best book of 2013 according to The Washington Post and The Wall Street Journal, and was shortlisted for the UK’s Folio Prize in 2014. Her work has been translated into eighteen languages. In 2018, Amity was awarded a Guggenheim Fellowship in Fiction. She lives with her family in West Hartford, Connecticut, and teaches creative writing at Yale.



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All the Sinners Bleed- A Novel

Read: June 2023

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All the Sinners Bleed: A Novel

by S. A. Cosby

Today, I delved into the gripping pages of “All the Sinners Bleed” by S. A. Cosby. This enthralling novel centers around Titus Crown, the first African American sheriff in Charon County, Virginia. Despite the county’s reputation for traditional customs such as moonshine, cornbread, and honeysuckle, Titus, with his FBI expertise, knows that the peace won’t last forever.

On the first anniversary of Titus’s election, a schoolteacher is murdered by an ex-student, and Titus’s deputies take down the perpetrator. As Titus delves deeper into the case, he uncovers a web of horrendous crimes and finds a serial killer lurking in plain sight, haunting Charon’s dirt roads and woodland clearings.

Titus is determined to solve the case, even though it is linked to a nearby church, and he harbors a personal secret that plagues him. However, he faces opposition from a far-right group who want to hold a parade to honor the town’s Confederate past while he tries to solve the issue.

Despite the challenges, Titus remains resolute in his love for Charon and his commitment to finding justice. The collision of religion and hatred cannot deter him from his duty.


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Something About Living

Read: November 2024

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Something About Living

by Lena Khalaf Tuffaha

I recently read “Something About Living” by Lena Khalaf Tuffaha, a poet and essayist whose work resonates deeply. The book of poems won the 2024 National Book Award for Poetry and delved into Palestinian life through the lens of the American language, revealing a legacy of obfuscation and erasure. It questions what happens when language packages ongoing disasters for consumption and disposal.

As a Jew supporting a two-state solution, I initially hesitated to read this collection of poems. However, I was pleasantly surprised by the lyrical beauty of the verses, which explore love not just as an emotion but as a transformative force and “a radical act.” Every poem that genuinely resonated with me. “Something About Living” is a book I highly recommend for its depth and insight!

Ms. Khalaf Tuffaha has an incredible literary repertoire; her previous work, “Water & Salt,” earned the esteemed 2018 Washington State Book Award, while “Kaan & Her Sisters” was a finalist for the Firecracker Award. In addition, “Something About Living” also received the 2022 Akron Prize for Poetry. I’m excited to explore her profound insights and lyrical mastery!

Adrian Matejka, the author of “Somebody Else Sold the World,” has written about “Something About Living,”

“It’s nearly impossible to write poetry that simultaneously holds the human desire for joy and the insistent agitations of protest, but Lena Khalaf Tuffaha‘s gorgeous and wide-ranging new collection Something About Living does just that. Her poems interweave Palestine’s historic suffering, the challenges of living in this world full of violence and ill will, and the gentle delights we embrace to survive that violence. Khalaf Tuffaha’s elegant poems sing the fractured songs of Diaspora while remaining clear-eyed to the cause of the fracturing: the multinational hubris of colonialism and greed. This collection is her witness to our collective unraveling, vowel by vowel, syllable by syllable. “Let the plural be a return of us,” the speaker of “On the Thirtieth Friday We Consider Plurals” says and this plurality is our tenuous humanity and the deep need to hang on to kindness in our communities. In these poems Khalaf Tuffaha reminds us that love isn’t an idea; it is a radical act. Especially for those who, like this poet, travel through the world vigilantly, but steadfastly remain heart first.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!


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1944: FDR and the Year That Changed History

Read: October 2019

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1944: FDR and the Year That Changed History

by Jay Winik

1944: FDR and the Year That Changed History by Jay Winik is a book that I had put off reading several times. When I finally did read it, I could not remember why I had not read it sooner. Had I gone to graduate school and become a professor, it might have been the type of book I might write, and I certainly would have had on my list of books for my classes. 

As The NY Times wrote, “Jay Winik brings to life in gripping detail the year 1944, which determined the outcome of World War II and put more pressure than any other on an ailing yet determined President Roosevelt.” Reading a book about events five years before my birth that transformed the world I live in becomes an easy page-turner.

It was not inevitable that World War II would end as it did or that it would even end well. Nineteen forty-four was a year that could have stymied the Allies and cemented Hitler’s waning power. Instead it saved those democracies – but with a fateful cost. Now, in a superbly told story, Jay Winik, the acclaimed author of April 1865 and The Great Upheaval, captures the epic images and extraordinary history as never before.

1944 witnessed a series of titanic events: FDR at the pinnacle of his wartime leadership as well as his reelection, the planning of Operation Overlord with Churchill and Stalin, the unprecedented D-Day invasion, the liberation of Paris, and the horrific Battle of the Bulge, and the tumultuous conferences that finally shaped the coming peace. But on the way, millions of more lives were still at stake as President Roosevelt was exposed to mounting evidence of the most grotesque crime in history, the Final Solution. Just as the Allies were landing in Normandy, the Nazis were accelerating the killing of millions of European Jews.

Winik shows how escalating pressures fell on an all but dying Roosevelt, whose rapidly deteriorating health was a closely guarded secret. Here then, as with D-Day, was a momentous decision for the president. Was winning the war the best way to rescue the Jews? Was a rescue even possible? Or would it get in the way of defeating Hitler? In a year when even the most audacious undertakings were within the world’s reach, including the liberation of Europe, one challenge – saving Europe’s Jews – seemed to remain beyond Roosevelt’s grasp.

I recommend this book.

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A Line in the Sand- A Novel

Read: June 2023

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A Line in the Sand: A Novel

by Kevin Powers

Today I started reading A Line in the Sand: A Novel by Kevin Powers. Listed as one of the books to read this week by The New York Times, which described it as “a stunning novel. Kevin Powers provides what any discerning reader desires the most — complex and flawed characters, precise use of language, succinct description, and believable dialogue.”

One early morning on a Norfolk beach in Virginia, a dead body is discovered by a man taking his daily swim—Arman Bajalan, formerly an interpreter in Iraq. After narrowly surviving an assassination attempt that killed his wife and child, Arman has been given lonely sanctuary in the US as a maintenance worker at the Sea Breeze Motel. Now, convinced that the body is connected to his past, he knows he is still unsafe.

Seasoned detective Catherine Wheel and her newly minted partner have little to go on beyond a bus ticket in the dead man’s pocket. It leads them to Sally Ewell, a local journalist as grief-stricken as Arman is by the Iraq War, investigating a corporation on the cusp of landing a multi-billion-dollar government defense contract.

As victims mount around Arman, taking the team down wrong turns and towards startling evidence, they find themselves in a race committed to unraveling the truth and keeping Arman alive—even if it costs them everything.


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Everything's Fine

Read: June 2023

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Everything’s Fine

by Cecilia Rabess

I started reading Everything’s Fine by Cecilia Rabess today, a stunning debut introducing a talented new author. However, I found it easier to decide to read it after reading in the New York Times that some reviewers on Goodreads criticized the book’s premise without reading it. It’s unfair to criticize something after experiencing it first-hand.

On Jess’s first day at Goldman Sachs, she’s disappointed to learn that she’ll be working with Josh, a white conservative she used to argue with in college. Josh enjoys playing devil’s advocate and can be challenging to deal with.

But when Jess realizes she’s the only Black woman on the team and is being overlooked, Josh offers his support in imperfect but meaningful ways. As they develop an unlikely friendship with undeniable chemistry, it eventually becomes an electrifying romance that shocks them both.

Despite their differences, their attraction brings them together, and Jess starts to question whether happiness is more important than being right. However, as the cultural and political landscape shifts in 2016, Jess, who is just discovering herself, must decide what she’s willing to compromise for love and if everything is excellent. This poignant and sharp novel by Cecilia Rabess asks if they will and if they should.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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