I am an Incurable Romantic, and My Life is an Open Book

The essence of life lies in living it to the fullest, but what if we find ourselves living it all alone? The words of Lauren Groff from her book “The Vaster Wilds” resonate with my situation, as she rightly pointed out that to exist alone and survive is not the same as being alive. Although I strive to make the most of my life by reading, writing, walking, offering help to others, and serving as the board chair for Bridges, I still feel that I am merely surviving from one day to the next.

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Jan Reminded Me That
All I Need is Love!

Walking down Alden Street, I noticed Chris smoking a cigarette outside Ambelis Greek Taverna, his restaurant. He saw me and exclaimed, “Richard!” in a loud voice that could have woken up the entire neighborhood. His enthusiasm made me smile. He asked me how I was doing, and his concern seemed genuine. Even though I wasn’t alright, I muttered that I was, but my answer wasn’t convincing. Being a good friend, Chris said something that sounded straight from my vocabulary: “Let me know if I can be of any help.” His kindness warmed my heart. He had to go back inside, but not before giving me a bear hug, which I happily accepted.

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Walking Clears My Head. Will it Give Me a Longer, Healthy Life?

After my wife passed away, my life took a new direction, one focused on health, novelty, community, and purpose. I found solace in walking, reading, working with Bridges and others in my community, and searching for meaning and purpose. Despite my efforts to explain why these activities have become essential to me, some people believe that I am being obsessive-compulsive. However, these are the ways to choose life over grieving. Every step I take, every page I turn, and every hour I contribute to Bridges contributes to my progress toward building a beloved community

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Aftermirth

Read: August 2022

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Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan

by Hillary Jordan

Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan is a book about grief as the two protagonists take a road trip that is a darkly funny journey of healing that takes them deep into the heart of their suffering and others, and then beyond it, to a place of peace and laughter. I had just finished reading When She Woke by Ms. Jordan and having enjoyed that book, reading a second one by the same author seemed reasonable.

When I selected this short novel to read, I questioned if it was a good choice for me.

I found it easier to read and, in some ways, helpful. It was like meeting fellow widows from my Zoom grief groups in person at Camp Widow. The ability to laugh about our loss and cry openly is essential to meeting fellow benefits.

Michael Larssen, the narrator, raised a question I have not and still do not want to consider. What if I am still alive, Jan was a great love but is not the love of my life?

“You can’t know that he was the love of your life, and do you know why? Because guess what, you aren’t dead yet. You may feel dead right now, and believe me I’ve been there, but the fact is, until you’re lying under a tombstone of your own you can’t be sure about anything. You could prick your finger on one of your roses tomorrow, and as you’re climbing the stairs to get a Band-Aid, you trip over one of the pugs and tumble to your death. Or you could meet a man in the checkout line at the grocery store–hell, you could meet a woman even and fall madly in love with her and end up with six kids and twenty grandkids. Michael looks over at Elena, then back at George. You just don’t know, George. That’s the thing. None of us does.”— Aftermirth (Kindle Single) by Hillary Jordan

Despite my anxiety about considering this disturbing question, I highly recommend Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

I stopped being funny the day my wife was electrocuted by her underwire bra.” So begins “Aftermirth,” a dark comedy that explores the absurdity of death through the eyes of thirty-one-year-old comedian, writer, and actor Michael Larssen. What is funny to the rest of the world is devastating to Michael, who loves his wife deeply, exceptionally her bright, rippling, abandoned laughter, which captivated him from the first time he heard it. In the aftermath of her death, he loses his sense of humor and his career.

Then, after two years of mourning her, he sees an article in the paper about a factory worker named Julio Santiago who fell into a giant vat of dough and was kneaded to death. For reasons Michael doesn’t understand, he decides to go to the man’s wake. There he meets and bonds with Julio’s twenty-nine-year-old daughter Elena, a law student who is reeling from her father’s unexpected and preposterous death.

Three months later, she calls him out of the blue and suggests that the two of them drive to North Carolina to speak with another survivor like themselves Elena has found on the Internet. Their road trip is a darkly funny journey of healing that takes them deep into the heart of their grief and others and then beyond it to a place of peace and laughter.


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Lessons in Chemistry

Read: January 2023

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Lessons in Chemistry: A Novel

by Bonnie Garmus

Lessons in Chemistry: A Novel by Bonnie Garmus is a must-read book as it reimagines the gender dynamics of the 1950s and early 1960s. Elizabeth Zott, a chemist, struggles in a male-dominated world where her work is not taken seriously until she meets Calvin Evans. She describes their relationship, “Calvin and I were soulmates,” like Jan and I viewed ours.

What underlies their love affair was “a mutual respect for the other’s capabilities.” “Do you know how extraordinary that is?” she said. That a man would treat his lover’s work as seriously as his own?” Of course, every relationship should be based on the same dynamics, but even after seventy years, we still struggle to achieve equality in our society.

I highly recommend this novel. Reading the story, the Zott/Evans relationship reminded me of the love that Jan and I shared. I know that Jan would have loved this book.

Laugh-out-loud funny, shrewdly observant, and studded with a dazzling cast of supporting characters, Lessons in Chemistry is as original and vibrant as its protagonist. Like Jan, Elizabeth Zott, the protagonist, would be the first to point out that there is no such thing as an average woman. Chemist Elizabeth Zott is not your average woman.

Although Jan and Elizabeth had much in common, I felt Madeline (aka Mad), Elizabeth’s daughter, was Jan’s alter ego in this novel. Jan was smart and ahead of her classmates, just like Mad was. She was breaking barriers when she was Mad’s age.

I also connected to Six Thirty, the dog. Like Oscar, Six Thirty was more intelligent than the average dog.

Lessons in Chemistry has been the number one best-selling book in the New York Times for thirty-four weeks.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

It’s the early 1960s and Elizabeth Zott’s all-male team at Hastings Research Institute takes a very unscientific view of equality. Except for one: Calvin Evans, the lonely, brilliant, Nobel–prize-nominated grudge-holder who falls in love with—of all things—her mind. True chemistry results.

But like science, life is unpredictable. Which is why a few years later Elizabeth Zott finds herself not only a single mother, but the reluctant star of America’s most beloved cooking show Supper at Six. Elizabeth’s unusual approach to cooking (“combine one tablespoon acetic acid with a pinch of sodium chloride”) proves revolutionary. But as her following grows, not everyone is happy. Because as it turns out, Elizabeth Zott isn’t just teaching women to cook. She’s daring them to change the status quo.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Fourteen Days: A Collaborative Novel

Read: February 2024

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Fourteen Days: A Collaborative Novel

by Authors Guild

I started reading Fourteen Days: A Collaborative Novel today. It is set in a Lower East Side tenement during the early days of the COVID-19 lockdowns. Fourteen Days is a unique collaborative novel from the Authors Guild with a twist. A different, prominent literary voice has secretly written each character in this diverse cast of New York neighbors. These voices range from Margaret Atwood and Celeste Ng to Tommy Orange and John Grisham.

The novel’s story begins one week into the COVID-19 shutdown, where tenants of a Lower East Side apartment building in Manhattan have gathered on the rooftop to tell stories. As the nights pass, more and more neighbors join in, bringing chairs, milk crates, and overturned pails. Gradually, the tenants, some of whom have barely spoken to each other, become neighbors.

In this Decameron-like serial novel, general editors Margaret Atwood and Douglas Preston and a star-studded list of contributors create a beautiful ode to those trapped when the pandemic hit. Fourteen Days is a dazzling, heartwarming, and ultimately surprising narrative that reveals how some communities managed to become stronger despite the loss and suffering brought about by the pandemic.

Includes writing from: Charlie Jane Anders, Margaret Atwood, Joseph Cassara, Jennine Capó Crucet, Angie Cruz, Pat Cummings, Sylvia Day, Emma Donoghue, Dave Eggers, Diana Gabaldon, Tess Gerritsen, John Grisham, Maria Hinojosa, Mira Jacob, Erica Jong, CJ Lyons, Celeste Ng, Tommy Orange, Mary Pope Osborne, Douglas Preston, Alice Randall, Ishmael Reed, Roxana Robinson, Nelly Rosario, James Shapiro, Hampton Sides, R.L. Stine, Nafissa Thompson-Spires, Monique Truong, Scott Turow, Luis Alberto Urrea, Rachel Vail, Weike Wang, Caroline Randall Williams, De’Shawn Charles Winslow, and Meg Wolitzer!

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Long Island

Read: May 2024

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Long Island – Eilis Lacey Series

by Colm Tóibín

Today, I embarked on a literary journey into the distinct world of Long Island, a novel by the acclaimed author Colm Toibin. This captivating narrative continues the life of Eilis Lacey, a beloved character from Toibin’s celebrated work Brooklyn, but two decades have passed. Eilis, now in her forties, is married to Tony Fiorello, an Italian-American plumber, and they are raising two teenagers.

The novel offers a fresh perspective on Eilis’s life, struggles, and journey of self-discovery. She lives with Tony’s large and loving extended family on a cul-de-sac in Lindenhurst, Long Island, which plays a significant role in the story. Though Eilis feels connected to her Irish roots, she has yet to return to Ireland in many years.

One fateful day, a visitor arrives unannounced at Eilis’s doorstep, bringing with him a life-altering revelation. He reveals that his wife is carrying Tony’s child and plans to leave the baby with Eilis once it’s born. This unexpected twist throws Eilis into a maelstrom of emotions and a labyrinthine decision-making process. As the emotional core of Toibin’s narrative, this journey of self-discovery and emotional upheaval is sure to hold readers spellbound.

Long Island‘ is a poignant exploration of unfulfilled desires and the enigmatic secrets that shape our lives. Eilis’s reticence speaks volumes, and Toibin masterfully gives voice to her concealed yearnings and profound connections. For instance, Eilis often finds herself lost in memories of her life in Ireland, particularly her relationship with her mother. Though unspoken, these recollections lay bare her profound yearning for her homeland and family. This evocative tale of love, longing, and the quest for self-discovery is bound to enthrall readers.

NPR’s Mary Louise Kelly speaks with author Colm Toibin about his new novel Long Island.



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The Hero of This Book: A Novel

Read: November 2022

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The Hero of This Book: A Novel

by Elizabeth McCracken

The Hero of This Book: A Novel by Elizabeth McCracken is a searing examination of grief and renewal and a deeply felt relationship between a child and her parents. It is not a memoir but a remembrance of those we have lost. Ten months after her mother’s death, the narrator of The Hero of This Book takes a trip to London. The city was a favorite of her mother’s, and as the narrator wanders the streets, she reflects on her mother’s life and their relationship.

Thoughts of the past meld with questions of the future: Back in New England, the family home is now up for sale, its considerable contents already winnowed.

The following quote resonated with me.

I’ve always hated the notion, in life or in fiction, that the human personality is a puzzle to be solved, that we are a single flashback away from understanding why this person is cruel to her children, why that man has a dreamy, downcast look. A human being is not a lock and the past is not a key.

I highly recommend this book.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

The woman, a writer, recalls all that made her complicated mother extraordinary–her brilliant wit, her generosity, her unbelievable obstinacy, her sheer will to seize life despite physical difficulties–and finds herself wondering how her mother had endured. Even though she wants to respect her mother’s nearly pathological sense of privacy, the woman must come to terms with whether making a chronicle of this remarkable life constitutes an act of love or betrayal.

The Hero of This Book is a searing examination of grief and renewal and a deeply felt relationship between a child and her parents. What begins as a question of filial devotion ultimately becomes a lesson in what it means to write. At once comic and heartbreaking, with prose that delights at every turn, this is a novel of such piercing love and tenderness that we are reminded that art is what remains when all else falls away.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Field of Blood: Violence in Congress and the Road to Civil War

Read: March 2019

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The Field of Blood

by Joanne B. Freeman

The Field of Blood: Violence in Congress and the Road to Civil War by Joanne B. Freeman, Professor of History and American Studies at Yale University, is a must-read in our hyper-partisan times. The partisanship and divisiveness of the period before the Civil War have many parallels to our time, and the difference is the violence of the Civil War era. Professor Freeman recovers the long-lost story of physical violence on the floor of the U.S. Congress.

She can do this by first source materials from Benjamin Brown French. He was never elected to office but was an acquaintance of twelve consecutive presidents, from Andrew Jackson to Ulysses S. Grant. In addition, he maintained a diary for forty years that highlighted the violence and his and the nation’s political transformation.

During much of this period, he was the Clerk in the House.  His diary documents the violence that did not get covered by the press. Legislative sessions included mortal threats, canings, flipped desks, and all-out slugfests. When debate broke down, members of Congress drew pistols and waved Bowie knives. One representative even killed another in a duel. Many were beaten and bullied in an attempt to intimidate them into compliance, particularly on the issue of slavery.

The Field of Blood is one of four books I purchased after my first One Day University class.

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