Bravely Facing the Unknowable Future
My Wfe's Love Makes It Possible for Me to Live Fully
Estimated reading time: 3 minutes, 0 seconds
Although the distance from my car to my wife’s grave is short, the heat and humidity drain my energy, making me sweat like sitting in a sauna. While in her memorial garden, I feel her presence, as her love is free and tranquilizes the air. However, it is only at Beth Israel Cemetery that we can communicate.
Forty-eight years ago, we exchanged handwritten vows on the rabbi’s terrace overlooking Central Park. Today, there are no vows to make, but updates on how I am doing 27 months after the funeral.
I placed eight small stones on her monument and laid flowers at her gravesite. Glancing around to ensure we were alone, I chuckled. Wasn’t a cemetery where people went to speak to the departed? My love,” I began, as always. But the words stuck in my throat, so I sipped water from my flask to get the words flowing.
I remind my wife that I struggled to function normally after her funeral. Last year, things improved when your memorial garden was dedicated, and I made new friends. Although I appeared fine on my daily walks, each step felt shaky, like standing on eggshells.
I sip cold water before speaking, “Today, I tell you I have turned a corner. I was optimistic, but now I have found a way to live fully. I have more friends, walk further, read more, help others, and laugh more than I weep. I am doing OK!”
I pace in a circle, attempting to gather my thoughts like pollen floating in the air. My dear, although love is a timeless emotion, I have realized that dwelling on the past will not help me move forward and lead a satisfying life. I have replaced the images from your photograph with those of our two grandchildren on my devices. Yes, Wes is our new grandchild. His smile is as magnetic as yours!” I pause and take a deep breath. It was difficult to change the images. I kept feeling like I was discarding you. Change has never been easy for me, and I wept each time I swapped the photos. But please understand, my dear, this shift signifies I am facing forward. I can only do this because of your love. Without it, I could not step into the unknowable future.”
After bidding farewell to my loved one, I wiped my face with my handkerchief, soaked in tears and sweat. As I approached my car, I finally turned around to express my love. When I sat in the driver’s seat, I noticed that my iPhone and Apple Watch displayed my wife’s photo instead of my grandchildren’s. Although I had changed the images before, I only briefly dwelled on the change.
However, I realized I was prepared, enthusiastic, and capable of facing any obstacle. As the engine roared, I ventured out of the cemetery into a future that intimidated and exhilarated me. Upon arriving home, I noticed that my iPhone and Apple Watch now displayed my grandchildren’s photos. It felt like a sign from my wife’s spirit, sending me a message to embrace the future.
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Love Guides Me Into the Future
The ink-dark portions of the pond were impenetrable and reflected nothing of my world. I feared that if I stepped into that portion, I would disappear. However, the transparent part of the pond reminded me that the water was so shallow it would only reach my mid-calf. Despite being wet, I could walk forward unimpeded and knew I could not drown.
The sound of the frogs wakes me from my rest. The sun's warmth invites me to venture forth, and I stroll past the pond to the path around the sports field. As a widow, the darkest fears of my life recede as I proceed toward the park's comfort facilities. I will always confidently move forward, trusting in love to guide me. I aim to share my passion, embrace life's challenges and joys, and live fully.
Hello Richard:
What a nice feeling! I am so glad you have turned the corner. Jan is always looking at you, and the only thing she might want is to see you happy!! I am pleased you have found more friends, doing more things, and enjoying your family!! Love is all around you…Just seeing you makes me happy!!
Dear Hugo,
Despite my wife’s passing, we all must continue living and loving. In “Our Last Conversation,” Jan asked me to promise one thing – that I would remarry if she were to pass away. While unsure if I will ever do so, I have come to accept that love never truly dies, and it is possible to find love again after loss.
Lauren Groff wrote in “The Vaster Wilds: A Novel” that “To be alone and surviving is not the same as being alive.” This quote resonates with me, and I have chosen to live my life to the fullest and honor Jan’s memory by continuing to share and experience love every day.