Despite Grief, I Can Shape My Future

Despite Grief, I Can Shape My Future

Without Jan, My Agency Helps Me Live Fully

Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 6 seconds
Jan in Washington January 2017

Jan in Washington January 2017

I woke up this morning feeling lethargic.

Despite my lack of energy and wet snow falling from the sky, I knew if I did not walk, I would not only lose my streak but feel worse later in the day.

I was meandering from one room to another in Apt. 3B, I decided to do my primary walk inside for the first time in over a year.

Walking in the hallways is not the same as walking in nature. But I did, and I finished four miles and burned over 400 calories.

Today’s perambulation reminded me of the definition of agency, which is to control our actions and their consequences on our lives.

My exercise was less than optimal, but I must live with my decision.

When Jan was alive, we shared decision-making.

In the early days of my grief journey, I found it effortless to avoid choices as I convinced myself the outcomes might be more than I could manage.

Accepting that there were many things I could not change, I accepted Victor Frankl the essential truth that Victor Frankl wrote about in Man’s Search for Meaning,

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

What should I make for dinner? How can I fill my time? Among others, the time I spent debating what to do seemed silly in retrospect. However, at the time, every decision or non-decision would be an earthquake that would destroy my life.

Once I decided to focus on Jan’s Memorial Garden, walk daily, read more, and write about and share our love, I grew around my grief.

In time, I accepted that grief had been an outstanding teacher, and I have learned to live life fully.

By living fully, I know I am not only doing what Jan wanted me to do, but if we were to meet now, she would see someone she could love, not someone so drained by a loss that they are an empty shell.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Choosing to Participate Fully in Life!

Afraid grief would destroy me; I chose to grow and actively participate in my life.

I celebrated Jan's life and helped build a memorial garden in Hanson Park.

Each of those baby steps helped me thru the darkest days of my grief.

But accepting that grief has been an outstanding teacher in my life, I have learned to live life fully.

By living fully, I know I am not only doing what Jan wanted me to do, but if we were to meet now, she would see someone she could love, not someone so drained by a loss that they are an empty shell.

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Despite Grief, I Can Shape My Future
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The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Annual Banquet of the Gravediggers’ Guild

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Year of Wonders: A Novel

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Read: September 2021

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The Vanishing Half

by Brit Bennett

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I strongly recommend this book.

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Booth

Read: January 2023

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Booth: A Novel

by Karen Joy Fowler

Booth by Karen Joy Fowler was on my to-read list for several months. Booth is an epic and intimate novel about the family behind one of the most infamous figures in American history: John Wilkes Booth. I have always been fascinated by history, especially the Civil War. Booth is a startling portrait of a country in the throes of change and a vivid exploration of the ties that make and break a family. It is the second book I have read this year.

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The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

In 1822, a secret family moved into a secret cabin some thirty miles northeast of Baltimore to farm, hide, and bear ten children over the next sixteen years. Junius Booth–breadwinner, celebrated Shakespearean actor, and master of the house in more ways than one–is at once a mesmerizing talent and a man of terrifying instability. One by one, the children arrive, as year by year, the country draws frighteningly closer to the boiling point of secession and civil war.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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