April Showers Set the Stage for Jan's Birthday

Gratitude Heals My Soul!

Thanking Those Who Attended Jan's Funeral

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes, 19 seconds

As I arrived at Beth Israel Cemetery and parked my car, I was deeply moved by the large number of people who had braved the inclement weather to pay their last respects to my beloved wife, Jan. Even though I was going through a period of grief, I felt immensely grateful to everyone who had come to honor and remember her. This outpouring of love and support reminded me that Jan had touched many hearts with her kindness and compassion. Knowing that love and empathy still exist is heartwarming despite our difficult times.

For three weeks, my sons, their partners, and I cared for my wife during her hospice stay at home. As I made my way from one group to the next, thanking those who had come to offer their support, I felt utterly drained and running on fumes, but I was like a Jack Rabbit on steroids as I tried to speak to everyone. I worried my gratitude would start to lose significance, so I tried to use fresh phrases to convey how much I valued their presence, particularly since they had only received two days’ notice. As I was leaving a group of young women to whom I had expressed my appreciation, I overheard one of them whisper, “That’s Jan’s husband.

Despite hearing several people call my name, I initially ignored them, preoccupied with a sense of purpose, driving me to thank everyone who had shown up. The rain had slowed, and I was rushing around, knocking on car windows, determined to express my gratitude to everyone who had come to pay their respects. However, as the voice calling my name grew louder, I realized it was Rabbi Renee‘s voice, and I stopped in my tracks, turning around to see her standing by the hearse with my sons. At that moment, the significance of the occasion hit me like a ton of bricks, and I felt a mix of emotions wash over me – sadness, gratitude, and a sense of closure all at once.

It was then that she explained the funeral home’s request for me to take a final look at my wife’s open casket before the funeral home staff sealed it forever. Without hesitation, I leaned into the back of the hearse and kissed her forehead, making sure not to disturb her. As my Yarmulke fell into the coffin, I whispered, “I love you.” The weight of my grief felt unbearable, but I was grateful for the support of my loved ones during this difficult time.

On that emotional day, Rabbi Renee led an immaculate graveside service to bid farewell to my beloved wife. As the service concluded, the Rabbi suggested that only family members could toss dirt into the grave due to the muddy conditions. Disagreeing with her, I quietly signaled to my friends to help me with the final act of burying my wife. To my relief, my friend Danny, who had researched the correct way to do it the night before, stepped forward to assist me. Despite the COVID restrictions, I hugged Danny and others who helped me complete this final ritual. As I left the cemetery, I noticed my muddy shoes and pants were damp with brown streaks, reminding me of the bittersweet end of a life.


It’s been three years since I buried my beloved wife, but the memories of that day remain vivid. Looking back, I realize my actions were my only option. Expressing my gratitude to family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues reminded me of our interconnectedness and the importance of finding strength in the community. Though living alone, I’m still part of this interconnected world where we’re all cousins and must help each other heal. That day marked the beginning of my journey towards healing and recovery; I used my ears to listen, my arms to embrace, and tentatively took the first step towards walking into the future.

The Day Jan and I Married!

Our wedding day was a beautiful celebration of love and commitment, shared with our closest family and friends. The special memories we made on that day will always be kept close to our hearts, reminding us of the strong bond between Jan and me.

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My Apolytus Moment

Thanking Those Who Attended Jan's Funeral

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes, 19 seconds

My Apolytus Moment

Despite the deep and abiding pain of missing my beloved wife daily, I have come to understand that it is essential that I continue living and finding joy in the present moment.

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April Showers Set the Stage for Jan's Birthday
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The Morningside: A Novel

Read: March 2024

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The Morningside: A Novel

by Téa Obreht

Today, I started reading The Morningside: A Novel by Téa Obreht. The book tells the story of Silvia and her mother, who have been expelled from their home and have settled in a luxury tower called Island City, where Silvia’s aunt Ena is the superintendent. The Morningside is a place of magical possibilities, where Ena shares folktales with Silvia about her demolished homeland, a place of natural beauty and communal spirit. This starkly contrasts Silvia’s current reality, where she feels unmoored and disconnected from her past.

Silvia is fascinated by Bezi Duras, an enigmatic woman who lives in the penthouse and is shrouded in mystery. Bezi has her elevator entrance and only leaves the building at night to walk her three massive hounds, returning in the early morning. Silvia becomes obsessed with unraveling the truth about Bezi’s life and haunted past, even if it comes at a significant cost to her.

The Morningside is an inventive and moving novel that explores the power of storytelling and how we use it to make sense of our lives and the world around us.

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Don't Be a Stranger: A Novel

Read: October 2024

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Don’t Be a Stranger: A Novel

by Susan Minot

Today, I began reading “Don’t Be a Stranger: A Novel” by Susan Minot, a captivating new work by the author of ‘Evening.’ Known for her lyrical prose and exploration of complex human relationships, Minot’s latest novel revolves around a woman involved in a love affair during midlife. It is a radiant tale that explores themes of erotic obsession, the desire for intimacy, communication, and oblivion, which will resonate with fans of Miranda July‘s ‘All Fours,’ a book I have also read.

Ivy Cooper is 52 years old when Ansel Fleming first enters her life. Twenty years her junior, a musician newly released from prison on a minor drug charge, Ansel’s beguiling good looks and quiet intensity instantly seduce her. Despite the gulf between their ages and experience, their physical chemistry is overpowering. Over the heady weeks and months that follow, Ivy finds her life bifurcated by his presence: On the surface, she is a responsible mother, managing the demands of friends, an ex-husband, and home, but emotionally, psychologically, sexually, she is consumed by desire and increasingly alive only in the stolen moments-out-of-time, with Ansel in her bed.

Don’t Be a Stranger is a gripping, sensual, and provocative work from one of the most remarkable voices in contemporary fiction.

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Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy

Read: November 2022

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Civil War by Other Means

by Jeremi Suri

Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri is the perfect book to help us understand our failures at creating a multi-racial democracy in the nineteenth century and how this has weakened and divided our nation. Jeremi Suri chronicles the events after the civil war, from Lincoln’s assassination to Garfield’s, and how they were a continuation of the war by other means.

I purchased a signed copy and watched a video presentation by Dr. Suri due to my membership at One Day University. Civil War by Other Means is a vivid and unsettling portrait of a country striving to rebuild itself but unable to compromise on or adhere to the most basic democratic tenets. 

I highly recommend Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri.

In addition, the documentary, on Apple TV+, Lowndes County and the Road to Black Power is a companion piece that illustrates the continued failure to create a multi-racial democracy. Jeremi Suri makes a convincing case that the eternal struggle for democracy continues in our time.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

In 1865, the Confederacy was comprehensively defeated, its economy shattered, its leaders in exile or in jail. Yet in the years that followed, Lincoln’s vision of a genuinely united country never took root. Apart from a few brief months, when the presence of the Union army in the South proved liberating for newly freed Black Americans, the military victory was squandered. Old white supremacist efforts returned, more ferocious than before.

In Civil War by Other Means, Jeremi Suri shows how resistance to a more equal Union began immediately. From the first postwar riots to the return of Confederate exiles, to the impeachment of Andrew Johnson, to the highly contested and consequential election of 1876, Suri explores the conflicts and questions Americans wrestled with as competing visions of democracy, race, and freedom came to a vicious breaking point.

What emerges is a vivid and, at times, unsettling portrait of a country striving to rebuild itself but unable to compromise on or adhere to the most basic democratic tenets. What should have been a moment of national renewal was ultimately wasted, with reverberations still felt today. The recent shocks to American democracy are rooted in this forgotten, urgent history.


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Lila: A Novel

Read: April 2022

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Lila: A Novel

by Marilynne Robinson

Lila: A Novel by Marilynne Robinson is an unusual but believable love story. Although different than how I met Jan, this novel is about love and romance that, on the surface, should never have happened. Lila, homeless and alone after years of roaming the countryside, steps inside a small-town Iowa church – the only available shelter from the rain- ignites a romance and a debate that will reshape her life. She becomes the wife of a minister, John Ames, and begins a new existence while trying to make sense of the life that preceded her newfound security.

Lila is the third novel in the Gilead series. Previously I read Home, the second in the series, and Jack, the fourth. I highly recommend all three books.

Hopefully, one day I will read the Gilead and complete the series.

The Goodreads summary of the book provides an excellent overview.

Neglected as a toddler, Lila was rescued by Doll, a canny young drifter, and brought up by her in a hardscrabble childhood. Together they crafted a life on the run, living hand to mouth with nothing but their sisterly bond and a ragged blade to protect them. Despite bouts of petty violence and moments of desperation, their shared life was laced with moments of joy and love. When Lila arrives in Gilead, she struggles to reconcile the life of her makeshift family and their days of hardship with the gentle Christian worldview of her husband which paradoxically judges those she loves.

Revisiting the beloved characters and setting of Robinson’s Pulitzer Prize-winning Gilead and Home, a National Book Award finalist, Lila is a moving expression of the mysteries of existence that is destined to become an American classic.

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Keepers of the House

Read: May 2021

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The Keepers of the House

by Shirley Ann Grau

The Keepers of the House by Shirley Ann Grau is a book that I read a portion of for a college class, but for reasons that I cannot now remember never got around to reading it from cover to cover. In the early stages of grief, I found a copy in our bookshelf and said, let me read it now. It was a decision that I did not regret.

Having grown up in the American South, the book resonated with me, as did the sections I read fifty years ago. It’s a many-layered indictment of racism and rage that is as terrifying as it is wise.

As someone who likes history and values the importance of place, the book’s focus on the continued ownership of the same land since the early 1800s by the Howland’s provided a broad historical perspective. Abigail Howland has learned many important family legacies, but not all.

However, when William’s, her grandfather, relationship with Margaret Carmichael, a black housekeeper, is revealed to the community, the racism and fury boil over. Abigail chooses to get even with the town her family built by punishing them.

The Keepers of the House is a book that I wish I had read in its entirety half a century ago. Having read it now, I recommend it to all who care about life and community.

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The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

Read: May 2019

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The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

by David Brooks

The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life by David Brooks is a book I often recommend. Mr. Brooks writes about the first mountain that most people climb. The book challenges the reader to “live for a cause greater than themselves.”

It is about “to be a success, make your mark, experience personal happiness.” Even when they reach the top of the mountain, most people find they are unhappy. The climb to the summit has become unsatisfying.

On the second mountain, life moves from self-centered to other-centered.” Life becomes interdependent, not independent; it becomes a life of commitment, not about us.

Mr. Brooks “explores the four commitments that define a life of meaning and purpose: to a spouse and family, to a vocation, to a philosophy or faith, and to a community.

We live in a society, Brooks argues, that celebrates freedom, that tells us to be true to ourselves, at the expense of surrendering to a cause, rooting ourselves in a neighborhood, binding ourselves to others by social solidarity and love. We have taken individualism to the extreme—and in the process we have torn the social fabric in a thousand different ways.

When I read The Second Mountain, it became clear that Jan and I never even attempted to climb the first mountain. We were constantly climbing the second mountain.

We had chosen to do work that repaired the world; we both had a faith community and lived in a community.

All we were missing as far as commitments when we met was each other. Our love for each other provided the missing link and allowed us to climb to the top of the second mountain.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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