Grief Made Me a Kinder Person

Grief Made Me a Kinder Person

Estimated reading time: 0 minutes, 45 seconds

Jan LilienI have always thought I was a kind, compassionate person.

That may have been true, but grief, like so many other life struggles, has helped to make me a kinder person.

Some trials happened before meeting Jan, while others occurred during our marriage.

Jan’s love made it easier to manage dark days so that even the brightest sunrises could not diminish the gloom.

Grief has resulted in the most challenging days and nights of my life.

In thirteen months, I have learned that compassion and tenderness are not only what I need but also define me now more than at any time in my life.


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Grief Made Me a Kinder Person
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A Feather in the Water

Read: July 2022

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A Feather on the Water

by Lindsay Jayne Ashford

A Feather on the Water by Lindsay Jayne Ashford is an excellent historical fiction of the post-was era for displaced people. I highly recommend it. The tagline reads, “for three women in postwar Germany, 1945 is a time of hope—lost and found.” I have always enjoyed historical fiction, and A Feather on the Water seemed like a perfect choice.

The opening paragraphs confirmed my decision, as Martha, one of the three women, escapes from her abusive husband in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Martha and the two other characters, Delphine and Kitty, come to life with Ms. Ashford’s gifted pen.

Like a feather in the water, our lives continue despite the trials and tribulations we must confront.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Just weeks after World War II ends, three women from different corners of the world arrive in Germany to run a displaced-persons camp. They long to help rebuild shattered lives—including their own.

For Martha, going to Germany provides an opportunity to escape Brooklyn and a violent marriage. Arriving from England is orphaned Kitty. She hopes working at the camp will bring her closer to her parents, last seen before the war began. For Delphine, Paris has been a city of ghosts after her husband and son died in Dachau. Working at the camp is her chance to find meaning again by helping other victims of Hitler’s regime.

Charged with the care of more than two thousand camp residents, Martha, Delphine, and Kitty draw on each other’s strength to endure and to give hope when all seems lost. Among these strangers and survivors, they might find the love and closure they need to heal their hearts and leave their troubled pasts behind.


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Cloud Atlas: A Novel

Read: September 2024

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Cloud Atlas: A Novel

by David Mitchell

Today, I started reading Cloud Atlas: A Novel by David Mitchell, one of The New York Times’ 100 Best Books of the 21st Century. Cloud Atlas begins in 1850 with Adam Ewing, an American notary, voyaging from the Chatham Isles to his home in California. Ewing is befriended by a physician, Dr. Goose, who begins treating him for a rare species of brain parasite.

The novel careens, with dazzling virtuosity, to Belgium in 1931, the West Coast in the 1970s, an inglorious present-day England, a Korean superstate of the near future where neo-capitalism has run amok, and, finally, a postapocalyptic Iron Age Hawaii in the last days of history. But the story doesn’t end even there. What sets Cloud Atlas apart is its unique narrative structure, which boomerangs back through centuries and space, returning by the same route, in reverse, to its starting point. This journey reveals how the disparate characters connect, how their fates intertwine, and how their souls drift across time like clouds across the sky.

As wild as a video game, as mysterious as a Zen koan, Cloud Atlas is an unforgettable tour de force that, like its incomparable author, has transcended its cult classic status to become a worldwide phenomenon. The novel’s diverse settings and cultures, from 1850 Chatham Isles to a postapocalyptic Iron Age Hawaii, appeal to readers across the globe, offering a rich and varied reading experience.

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Half in Shadow

Read: December 2021

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Half in Shadow: A Novel

by Gemma Liviero

Half in Shadow by Gemma Liviero is an unforgettable novel about courage, love, and consequences at the dawn of World War I. In German-occupied Belgium, a tragic loss forces Josephine Descharmes to navigate dangerous new territory. By day it’s compliance, serving German officers at the Hotel Métropole. By night it’s resistance, working with her brothers underground to help Allied soldiers and civilians across the border into Holland. Both paths put her and her family at significant risk.

Before Jan’s death, I preferred to read non-fiction or fiction about historical events. Although I had read nothing by the author before this novel, I decided to read based on the summary. When I finished the book, the author described her goal as a writer in a manner that confirmed my decision.

“Much of my aim in the stories I write is to put human faces, be they fictional, to the many who lived through these events and imagine the experiences and reactions by innocent parties thrust into such situations.”

Half in Shadow: A Novel by Gemma Liviero

Josephine’s involvement in the resistance begins slowly and gains strength with every page. Her brothers Eugene, Xavier, and her mother become realistic due to the precise writing of Ms. Liviero.

Arthur, the English soldier who falls in love with Josephine, becomes an equal member of the resistance and the family. Franz, the German in love with Josephine, is not as strongly defined as appropriate as he is the enemy.

The Amazon overview provides a brief overview of the novel.

As Josephine struggles to keep her family safe, Arthur, a grief-stricken English soldier trapped behind enemy lines, finds purpose and hope with Josephine and her work. Meanwhile, Franz, a German officer remorseful for war casualties, offers her protection and opportunity. These two men from opposing sides will open her heart and test her loyalties.

Amid the sorrows of war and threats of mortal danger and betrayal, Josephine must steer her fate. In a country deprived of freedom, she will make an impossible choice—one that will forever impact the family she cherishes and the man she loves.

The book’s conclusion, which I will not reveal, brings together all of the novel’s threads in a way that reminded me of the power of love and family.

This is one of the best books I have ever read. I highly recommend it.

Half in Shadow is the first time I have gotten a book from Amazon First Reads. I highly recommend First Reads as a way to read books earlier than their regular release. Half in Shadow is not scheduled to be published until January 1, 2022.

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Happiness Falls: A Novel

Read: September 2023

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Happiness Falls: A Novel

by Angie Kim

I highly recommend reading Happiness Falls, a book authored by Angie Kim. The story is about a family’s search for their missing father, which leads them to question their beliefs and relationships. The award-winning author of Miracle Creek writes this thrilling and emotionally profound book.

“We didn’t call the police right away.” These are the first words of an extraordinary novel about a biracial Korean-American family in Virginia whose lives are upended when their beloved father and husband go missing.

Mia, the irreverent, hyper-analytical twenty-year-old daughter, has an explanation for everything—which is why she isn’t initially concerned when her father and younger brother Eugene don’t return from a walk in a nearby park. They must have lost their phone and or stopped for an errand somewhere. But by the time Mia’s brother runs through the front door bloody and alone, it becomes clear that the father in this tight-knit family is missing, and the only witness is Eugene, who has the rare genetic condition Angelman syndrome and cannot speak.

Happiness Falls is a gripping investigation that centers around a father’s disappearance and the intricate dynamics of his family. As the clock ticks, the family’s deepest secrets come to light, raising questions about love, communication, and the human experience. This novel is a thrilling blend of mystery, drama, and philosophical exploration, showcasing Angie Kim’s remarkable storytelling skills that garnered her numerous accolades for her debut novel, Miracle Creek. Through the family’s journey, Kim offers a fresh perspective on the missing person story, creating a memorable tale of a family that goes to great lengths to understand each other.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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We Are All the Same in the Dark

Read: January 2023

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We Are All the Same in the Dark

by Julia Heaberlin

We Are All the Same in the Dark by Julia Heaberlin is a novel I highly recommend and wish I had read earlier. The title summarizes the reality of all humans, that in the dark we are all the same. Disabilities do not define us, just as being a widow does not define who I am. In this twisty psychological thriller, Julia Heaberlin paints two unforgettable portraits of a woman and a girl who redefine perceptions of physical beauty and strength. Her novel has helped me redefine my grief.

I have been a widow for almost twenty-one months. After a trauma of that magnitude, it is easier to let the widowed state define me. But I am more than just a widow! But I am a father, grandfather, friend, neighbor, advocate, and more. Reading We Are All the Same in the Dark helped me embrace myself and not wallow in widowhood.

The novel begins with the discovery of a girl abandoned by the side of the road who threatens to unearth the long-buried secrets of a Texas town’s legendary cold case. In the first section, I was still determining if I wanted to continue. Once I read about Odette Tucker and Angel, it became a page-turner. 

This line from Odette given to Angelica, aka Angel, summarizes the characteristics that each of us should live by.

Tender. Resilient. Strong. Resourceful. Kind. Empathetic.—Six words Marshall Tucker wrote on a piece of paper to describe his daughter, Odette.

As a mensch-in-training, I will strive to live by those six words.

We are truly all the same in the dark.

We Are All the Same in the Dark is the ninth book I read this year.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

It’s been a decade since Trumanell Branson disappeared, leaving only a bloody handprint behind. Her pretty face still hangs like a watchful queen on the posters on the walls of the town’s Baptist church, the police station, and the high school. They all promise the same thing: We will find you. Meanwhile, her brother, Wyatt, lives as a pariah in the desolation of the old family house, cleared of wrongdoing by the police but tried and sentenced in the court of public opinion and a new documentary about the crime.

When Wyatt finds a lost girl dumped in a field of dandelions, making silent wishes, he believes she is a sign. The town’s youngest cop, Odette Tucker, believes she is a catalyst that will ignite a seething town still waiting for its missing girl to come home. But Odette can’t look away. She shares a wound that won’t close with the mute, one-eyed mystery girl. And she is haunted by her history with the missing Tru.

Desperate to solve both cases, Odette fights to save the lost girl in the present and to dig up the shocking truth about a fateful night in the past–the night her friend disappeared. This night inspired her to become a cop, the night that wrote them all a role in the town’s dark, violent mythology.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Lucy by the Sea: A Novel

Read: November 2022

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Lucy by the Sea: A Novel

by Elizabeth Strout

Lucy by the Sea: A Novel by Elizabeth Strout is a poignant, pitch-perfect novel about a divorced couple stuck together during lockdown–and the love, loss, despair, and hope that animate us even as the world seems to be falling apart. Having lost Jan during Covid, I was apprehensive about reading this book. However, it was not only a page-turner but also a novel that gave me a new perspective on loss which helped me manage my grief.

With her trademark spare, crystalline prose, Elizabeth Strout turns her exquisitely tuned eye to the inner workings of the human heart, following the indomitable heroine of My Name Is Lucy Barton through the early days of the pandemic.

I highlighted several passages that specifically spoke to me.

We all live with people—and places—and things—that we have given great weight to. But we are weightless, in the end.

Who knows why people are different? We are born with a certain nature, I think. And then the world takes its swings at us.

It has been said that the second year of widowhood is worse than the first—the idea being, I think, that the shock has worn off and now one has to live with the loss, and I had been finding that to be true, even before I came to Maine with William. But now there were times I felt that I was just learning of David’s death again for the first time. And I would be privately staggered by grief. And to be in this place where David had never been (!)—I was really dislocated is what I mean.

And I also understood: Grief is a private thing. God, is it a private thing.

We are all in lockdown, all the time. We just don’t know it, that’s all. But we do the best we can. Most of us are just trying to get through.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

As a panicked world goes into lockdown, Lucy Barton is uprooted from her life in Manhattan and bundled away to a small town in Maine by her ex-husband and on-again, off-again friend, William. For the next several months, it’s just Lucy, William, and their complex past together in a little house nestled against the moody, swirling sea.

Rich with empathy and emotion, Lucy by the Sea vividly captures the fear and struggles that come with isolation, as well as the hope, peace, and possibilities that those long, quiet days can inspire. At the heart of this story are the deep human connections that unite us even when we’re apart–the pain of a beloved daughter’s suffering, the emptiness that comes from the death of a loved one, the promise of a new friendship, and the comfort of an old, enduring love.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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