Jon, Jan, and Mike

Jan’s Love Keeps Me from Wallowing!

Jan Believes in Me and Pushes Me to Move Foward!

Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 0 seconds
Jon, Jan, and Mike

Jon, Jan, and Mike

The gentle rain outside and the distant sound of thunder make me reflect on Jan’s love and how it inspires me to live, learn, and participate in life. Recently, I read Lorrie Moore‘s book, “I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home,” and it has been on my mind ever since. I feel interconnected to the main character, Finn, who once said, “Loss of the heart kills the brain, he had read. Loss of the brain kills the heart. But only eventually. A million love stories demonstrated it! The heart could go on and on. Love was its own little generator of quasi-buried treasure.” Jan’s love fills me with happiness and helps me to embrace growth and love.

An article in the New York Times written by cultural critic Chris Vognar discusses his experience with grief and how it relates to the FX series ‘The Bear.’ Vognar’s partner, Kate, died from a terminal brain disease that resulted in dementia. The essay offers a reassessment of the grieving process.

He writes,

I got through the worst part of my ordeal, slowly, incrementally, and I have begun now to transcend it. I don’t know if time heals all wounds — I once saw a sign suggesting it actually wounds all heels — but time sure doesn’t stand still. Today, I often picture Kate much as Carmy pictures his brother. She is cheering me on and getting angry with me when I wallow.

Despite Jan’s death from lymphoma, her love for me remains unshaken. Her unwavering dedication motivates me to keep moving forward and never give up, even in sorrow. Although I will always miss her, I know that Jan would want me to find happiness in life and not dwell in sadness. Every day, I take small and big steps towards healing, knowing that it is what Jan would have wished for me.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Will I Be the One to Grow From My Grief?

In the earliest days, I was unable to do anything but weep.

Those days are rarer but still occur. Sixteen months and counting, and despite improvements, the heartache remains ever-present.

I have focused on Dr. Lois Tonkin's research that documents that our only option is to grow around grief, so our grief is a smaller portion of us.

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Jon, Jan, and Mike
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Life After Life

Read: August 2024

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Life After Life

by Kate Atkinson

Today, I embarked on the journey of Kate Atkinson‘s ‘Life After Life,’ a novel that has secured its place among The New York Times 100 Best Books of the Century. The book presents a unique and thought-provoking premise: What if you could live multiple lives until you found the perfect one? With its darkly comic, startlingly poignant, and utterly original narrative, it’s a testament to Kate Atkinson‘s unparalleled storytelling prowess.

The story unfolds in a unique narrative structure, beginning on a cold and snowy night in 1910 when Ursula Todd is born to an English banker and his wife. She dies before drawing her first breath. However, on that same night, Ursula Todd is born again, lets out a loud cry, and starts a life that will be pretty unusual. As she grows up, she also dies repeatedly in various ways while the young century moves inexorably toward its second cataclysmic world war.

Could Ursula’s seemingly endless life be the key to altering the world’s inevitable destiny? The prospect is both thrilling and hopeful. Yet, the question lingers – if she possesses this power, will she choose to wield it?

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Enter Ghost

Read: May 2023

Enter Ghost: A Novel

by Isabella Hammad

Isabella Hammad‘s highly anticipated novel, Enter Ghost, takes readers on a unique journey through modern-day Palestine, exploring themes of displacement, diaspora, and the unbreakable bonds of family and shared resistance. Hammad’s passionate and thoughtful writing brings to life a timely and unforgettable story, shedding light on the struggles of artistry under occupation.

The novel follows Sonia Nasir, an actress who returns to Haifa after years away from her family’s homeland to visit her sister, Haneen. However, this is no ordinary trip for Sonia, as it marks her first visit since the second intifada and the deaths of her grandparents. Still recovering from a disastrous love affair and a dissolute marriage, Sonia finds her relationship with Palestine to be fragile, both bone-deep and new.

As opening night approaches, a troupe of Palestinian actors faces numerous violent obstacles. Sonia meets Mariam, a local director who ropes her into a production of Hamlet on the West Bank. She rehearses Gertrude’s lines in classical Arabic and spends more time in Ramallah than in Haifa, working alongside a group of dedicated men from all over historic Palestine. Despite their competing egos and priorities, each group member is united in their desire to bring Shakespeare to that side of the wall. Amidst it all, Sonia has the daunting yet exhilarating possibility of finding a new self in her ancestral home.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Hello Beautiful

Read: March 2023

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Hello Beautiful

by Ann Napolitano

Hello Beautiful by Ann Napolitano is a gorgeous, profoundly moving portrait of what’s possible when we choose to love someone, not despite who they are but because of it. Although several sources recommended Hello Beautiful, I chose the novel based on the title as it is how I always greeted Jan. I highly recommend this book as it is one of the best I have ever read.

Hello Beautiful is an exquisite homage to Louisa May Alcott’s timeless classic, Little Women. Knowing it was not him, William Waters’s experience growing up as an only child was an engaging character in the early portion of the novel. However, my hero was Sylvie, the dreamer who pursued true love and found it in a place one would less expect to find it. The consequences of her love reverberate over decades in their families

The following passage is one example of a well-written book.

We’re separated from the world by our own edges,” Charlie Padavano says to Sylvie in “Hello Beautiful.” He continues, “We’re all interconnected, and when you see that, you see how beautiful life is.

The interconnections of the characters make this novel one of the best I have read. If only more of us could learn the lessons that Charlie Padavano shared with Sylvie.

As a man on a lifetime grief journey, this exchange echoes my experience.

“When an old person dies,” Kent said, “even if that person is wonderful, he or she is still somewhat ready, and so are the people who loved them. They’re like old trees, whose roots have loosened in the ground. They fall gently. But when someone like your aunt Sylvie dies—before her time—her roots get pulled out and the ground is ripped up. Everyone nearby is in danger of being knocked over.”

Grief is love.” Now Alice thought: Forgiveness is too.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

William Waters grew up in a house silenced by tragedy, where his parents could hardly bear to look at him, much less love him. So it’s a relief when his skill on the basketball court earns him a scholarship to college, far away from his childhood home. He soon meets Julia Padavano, a spirited and ambitious young woman who surprises William with her appreciation of his quiet steadiness. With Julia comes her family; she is inseparable from her three younger sisters: Sylvie, the dreamer, is happiest with her nose in a book and imagines a future different from the expected path of wife and mother; Cecelia, the family’s artist; and Emeline, who patiently takes care of all of them. Happily, the Padavanos fold Julia’s new boyfriend into their loving, chaotic household.

But then darkness from William’s past surfaces, jeopardizing not only Julia’s carefully orchestrated plans for their future, but the sisters’ unshakeable loyalty to one another. The result is a catastrophic family rift that changes their lives for generations. Will the loyalty that once rooted them be strong enough to draw them back together when it matters most?


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Half in Shadow

Read: December 2021

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Half in Shadow: A Novel

by Gemma Liviero

Half in Shadow by Gemma Liviero is an unforgettable novel about courage, love, and consequences at the dawn of World War I. In German-occupied Belgium, a tragic loss forces Josephine Descharmes to navigate dangerous new territory. By day it’s compliance, serving German officers at the Hotel Métropole. By night it’s resistance, working with her brothers underground to help Allied soldiers and civilians across the border into Holland. Both paths put her and her family at significant risk.

Before Jan’s death, I preferred to read non-fiction or fiction about historical events. Although I had read nothing by the author before this novel, I decided to read based on the summary. When I finished the book, the author described her goal as a writer in a manner that confirmed my decision.

“Much of my aim in the stories I write is to put human faces, be they fictional, to the many who lived through these events and imagine the experiences and reactions by innocent parties thrust into such situations.”

Half in Shadow: A Novel by Gemma Liviero

Josephine’s involvement in the resistance begins slowly and gains strength with every page. Her brothers Eugene, Xavier, and her mother become realistic due to the precise writing of Ms. Liviero.

Arthur, the English soldier who falls in love with Josephine, becomes an equal member of the resistance and the family. Franz, the German in love with Josephine, is not as strongly defined as appropriate as he is the enemy.

The Amazon overview provides a brief overview of the novel.

As Josephine struggles to keep her family safe, Arthur, a grief-stricken English soldier trapped behind enemy lines, finds purpose and hope with Josephine and her work. Meanwhile, Franz, a German officer remorseful for war casualties, offers her protection and opportunity. These two men from opposing sides will open her heart and test her loyalties.

Amid the sorrows of war and threats of mortal danger and betrayal, Josephine must steer her fate. In a country deprived of freedom, she will make an impossible choice—one that will forever impact the family she cherishes and the man she loves.

The book’s conclusion, which I will not reveal, brings together all of the novel’s threads in a way that reminded me of the power of love and family.

This is one of the best books I have ever read. I highly recommend it.

Half in Shadow is the first time I have gotten a book from Amazon First Reads. I highly recommend First Reads as a way to read books earlier than their regular release. Half in Shadow is not scheduled to be published until January 1, 2022.

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A Game Called Dead

Read: November 2021

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A Game Called Dead

by Michael Stephen Daigle

A Game Called Dead by Michael Stephen Daigle is the sequel to “The Swamps of Jersey,” the first Frank Nagler Mystery. Having read the fourth one – The Red Hand, I recently read the first one and thought this was an excellent time to read the second in this impressive deceptive series.

Reading the Frank Nagler Mysteries is rare when this reviewer knows the author. Mr. Daigle wrote this is the overview of A Game Called Dead.

Nagler is called to investigate the brutal attack on two women at the local college. It begins a tale of urban terror, which seems to be directed at Nagler and his associates.

The story introduces the mysterious terrorist #ARMEGEDDON, who taunted the police from cyberspace.

The story also digs deeper into Nagler’s past, especially the old Charlie Adams serial-killer case, and his relationship with Lauren Fox, who played a crucial role in exposing the political corruption in “Swamps.” She is back and steps into the front of Nagler’s life.

The story also introduced Harriet Waddley-Jones, a college dean, Nagler’s nemesis, and later ally.

Each book is a challenge to write a “better” book. In this case, I wanted tighter, faster action to develop a theme and flow to help carry the story. Sound and the description of sound are keys.

I also wanted Nagler to confront aspects of his past. Can he reconcile them, or will they always haunt him?

This reviewer’s opinion was a more substantial plot than the first book in the Frank Nagler Mysteries. Like all good mysteries, the suspense built page by page, and I figured out who the villain was late in the novel.

The one part that was difficult for me to read was the ending and the potential reigniting of the relationship with Lauren Fox. Having lost Jan, my wife, this year, I am aware of Frank Nagler’s pain in the first book about losing his wife. Ms. Fox only appeared in The Swamps of Jersey as a lost friend. I understand that some widows need to find love again to feel happy, which is not what I need or am seeking. The next book may provide some difficult moments on this topic, but I look forward to reading the next Frank Nagler Mystery.

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The missing hours

Read: February 2022

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The Missing Hours

by Julia Dahl

The Missing Hours by Julia Dahl is a novel I chose to read as I was looking for something different from the recent books I have read, and a fellow reader recommended this one. The Missing Hours is a novel about obsession, privilege, and the explosive consequences of one violent act. Like a bomb exploding, the ripple effects of the novel’s primary event impact the victim and her family, friends, and the larger community.

A trigger warning to all readers, the violent act in the novel is a sexual assault that is filmed and shared. Claudia, the victim, has no memory initially of what happened. She had been drinking and wearing clothes that she liked to wear. None of her choices is an excuse for those who victimized her.

She cannot remember what happened until a friend receives the video.

Being wealthy and social media savvy, she is aware that reporting the assault before or after the video is released would only allow her to be re-victimized. Her choices and how she seeks to secure justice make this a book I enjoyed and highly recommended.

This is the Goodreads overview.

From a distance, Claudia Castro has it all: a famous family, a trust fund, thousands of Instagram followers, and a spot in NYU’s first-year class. But look closer, and things are messier: her parents are separating, she’s just been humiliated by a sleazy documentary, and her sister is about to have a baby with a man she barely knows.

Claudia starts the school year resolved to find a path toward something positive, maybe even meaningful – and then, one drunken night, everything changes. Reeling, her memory hazy, Claudia cuts herself off from her family, seeking solace in a new friendship. But when the rest of school comes back from spring break, Claudia is missing.

Suddenly, the whole city is trying to piece together the hours of that terrible night.

From the critically acclaimed author of Invisible City and Conviction, The Missing Hours is a novel about obsession, privilege, and the explosive consequences of one violent act.

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