My sister, my mom and me May 1949

My Mother’s Loving Legacy

Living in the Present Filled with Memories

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes, 40 seconds

As I was leaving Apartment 3B for my regular morning walk, I noticed the World Wildlife Fund calendar on the door. The peaceful image of a smiling Giant Panda calmed me as I prepared to head out. I glanced at September 2, 2024, just before turning off the light. This day is unique; it would have been my mother‘s 109th birthday. Balancing my hands full of recyclables, I walked down the hallway, lost in thought. It struck me that my mother had almost reached the remarkable age of 100 – a feat I had once hoped for her and me – ninety-eight years and nearly a half year more make up a rich, meaningful life.

My mother’s teachings have been invaluable, even though I have sometimes forgotten them or not credited her for them at crucial moments. My parents were actively involved in charitable activities, such as delivering food to the Rescue Mission, volunteering for the Council on Aging Meals on Wheels, and supporting the refuge house for abused spouses. Their selfless dedication to these causes left a profound impact on me. I often reflect on their influence, feeling grateful for the values they instilled in me. Unsurprisingly, I have dedicated my career to making the world a better place, a decision that is a testament to their enduring influence on my life.

Meeting Lilah-RaeMy mother endeared herself to friends and family with her gentle and sweet nature, reminiscent of a panda bear, and a charming Southern ladylike demeanor. While I’m not likely to be thought of in the same way, I carry the traits of both my parents within my DNA. I firmly believe in the equality of all individuals and the importance of mutual support. This belief, instilled in me by my mother, has fostered a sense of connection and value for others, making each feel integral and valued in our shared journey.

My mother had four grandsons—Kevin, Steve, Jon, and Mike—and one great-granddaughter, as well as my siblings, David and Becky. I vividly recall a particular moment captured in a photo when my mother, at the age of ninety-five, met Lilah-Rae for the first time. Frozen in Kodachrome, the image perfectly encapsulated the love and warmth that filled the room that day, a testament to the enduring bond of family that we all share and cherish. Unfortunately, neither my mother nor Jan lived to meet Wes and Jack.

Crossword PuzzleAs my mother’s eyes began to weaken with age, my wife, Jon, our oldest son, and I visited her. Occasionally, we would sit together and work on crossword puzzles, providing her with mental stimulation and companionship even when she could not read the clues or see the puzzle. It was a bittersweet reminder that life presents challenges. Still, we must always find ways to adapt and continue living to the fullest, empowering us to be resilient and face life’s challenges head-on.

I have developed a daily routine that involves solving the New York Times mini-crossword before heading out for my walk. This simple act is more than just a mental warm-up; it’s a way for me to connect with my mother’s love for puzzles and to keep her memory alive. It lets me kickstart my brain and prepare for the day ahead. It’s my way of staying mentally sharp and engaged, ensuring I approach each day with vigor and enthusiasm, just as my mother did.

As I ascend the long staircase to the train platform, I ponder my mother’s strength and perseverance. These are attributes I aim to embody, influenced by her example. After my dad‘s passing, my mother lived alone for twenty years and four months. When I last saw her two months before she passed away, she admitted that she thought about him every day. I couldn’t fathom missing someone for such a prolonged duration. Relying on old actuarial tables to predict life expectancy, I was sure Jan would outlive me.

Now, as I approach being a widow for three years, four months, and one day, I still bear the emotional wounds and scars from losing my wife. I wonder if I will find the strength to live alone for the next two decades as my mother did. Yet, each day, I strive to move forward, accepting and embracing the future as best as possible, carrying the hope and optimism that my mother’s example instilled in me, a beacon of light in the face of life’s challenges.

Love is a Magical Force!

Whenever I fall in love, I do so with all my heart and soul, leaving no room for half-steps. My love is unconditional and knows no boundaries. My wife knew and accepted me for who I am. Together, Jan and I created a legacy for ages to come.

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My sister, my mom and me May 1949

Birthdays and Holidays

Living in the Present Filled with Memories

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes, 40 seconds

Individuals born on specific holidays, such as July 4th or December 25th, often experience a sense of overshadowing, feeling as though the more significant holiday festivities diminish their birthday celebrations. In my early childhood years, I held a different perspective. I perceived my parents’ birthdays, on September 2nd and November 28th, as special holidays dedicated to honoring and celebrating them. I remember feeling a sense of pride and joy, knowing that everyone celebrated their birthdays. It’s fascinating how, during our formative years, dates, times, and calendars carry profound significance and shape our perceptions of events and celebrations.

As a child, my grandmother taught me to associate my parent’s birthdays with the nearest holiday so I would remember their birthdays, and this connection became deeply ingrained in me at a young age, around 6 or 7 years old. In 1957, I vividly remember studying the wall calendars, eagerly checking when significant dates would occur—that year, my birthday coincided with a Saturday. As I flipped through the calendar, I noticed that the red color denoting Labor Day and Thanksgiving matched the hue of my hair at the time. I excitedly informed my teacher that my parents must be so significant that they had national holidays. She explained that Labor Day falls on the first Monday and Thanksgiving on the fourth Thursday, with the actual date changing annually. Frustrated and embarrassed, I consulted the calendar, determined to prove my point.

With age, I have come to understand and appreciate the accuracy of my teacher’s perspective. Despite my parents’ birthdays aligning in some years with holidays, it’s clear now that the two hold distinct significance. It’s interesting to note that in 2024, my parents’ birthdays will once again coincide with the holidays. This journey of understanding the evolving importance of dates and holidays has been a reflective one, shaping my perceptions and experiences.

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My sister, my mom and me May 1949
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My sister, my mom and me May 1949
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Lila: A Novel

Read: April 2022

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Lila: A Novel

by Marilynne Robinson

Lila: A Novel by Marilynne Robinson is an unusual but believable love story. Although different than how I met Jan, this novel is about love and romance that, on the surface, should never have happened. Lila, homeless and alone after years of roaming the countryside, steps inside a small-town Iowa church – the only available shelter from the rain- ignites a romance and a debate that will reshape her life. She becomes the wife of a minister, John Ames, and begins a new existence while trying to make sense of the life that preceded her newfound security.

Lila is the third novel in the Gilead series. Previously I read Home, the second in the series, and Jack, the fourth. I highly recommend all three books.

Hopefully, one day I will read the Gilead and complete the series.

The Goodreads summary of the book provides an excellent overview.

Neglected as a toddler, Lila was rescued by Doll, a canny young drifter, and brought up by her in a hardscrabble childhood. Together they crafted a life on the run, living hand to mouth with nothing but their sisterly bond and a ragged blade to protect them. Despite bouts of petty violence and moments of desperation, their shared life was laced with moments of joy and love. When Lila arrives in Gilead, she struggles to reconcile the life of her makeshift family and their days of hardship with the gentle Christian worldview of her husband which paradoxically judges those she loves.

Revisiting the beloved characters and setting of Robinson’s Pulitzer Prize-winning Gilead and Home, a National Book Award finalist, Lila is a moving expression of the mysteries of existence that is destined to become an American classic.

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Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories

Read: December 2022

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Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories

by Meng Jin

Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories by Meng Jin was written during the turbulent years of the Trump administration and the first year of the pandemic, these stories explore intimacy and isolation, coming of age, and coming to terms with the repercussions of past mistakes, fraying relationships, and surprising moments of connection. I highly recommend Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories!

Each story speaks so clearly to the loneliness epidemic that confronts our world. I would read one short story and promise to stop and wait until another day to read the next one. Instead

One phrase that will always remain with me is: “The hallucinatory quality of grief.” As a widow, the phrase struck a chord that will forever resonate in my soul.

This is the seventy-third book I have read this year.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Meng Jin’s critically acclaimed debut novel, Little Gods, was praised as “spectacular and emotionally polyphonic (Omar El-Akkad, BookPage), “powerful” (Washington Post), and “meticulously observed, daringly imagined” (Claire Messud). Jin turns her considerable talents into short fiction in ten thematically linked stories.

Moving between San Francisco and China, and from unsparing realism to genre-bending delight, Self-Portrait with Ghost considers what it means to live in an age of heightened self-consciousness, seemingly unlimited access to knowledge, and little actual power.

Page-turning, thought-provoking, and wholly unique, Self-Portrait with Ghost further establishes Meng Jin as a writer who “reminds us that possible explanations in our universe are as varied as the beings who populate it” (Paris Review).


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The Quiet Tenant

Read: August 2023

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The Quiet Tenant

by Clémence Michallon

Today, I commenced reading The Quiet Tenant by Clémence Michallon. It is not my typical genre, as it is a pulse-pounding psychological thriller about a serial killer narrated by those closest to him: his 13-year-old daughter, his girlfriend—and the one victim he has spared.

Aidan Thomas is a hard-working family man and a somewhat beloved figure in the small upstate New York town where he lives. He’s the man who always lends a hand and has a good word for everyone. But Aidan has a dark secret he’s been keeping from everyone in town and those closest to him. He’s a kidnapper and serial killer. Aidan has murdered eight women, and there’s a ninth he has earmarked for death: Rachel, imprisoned in a backyard shed, fearing for her life.

When Aidan’s wife dies, he and his thirteen-year-old daughter Cecilia are forced to move. Aidan has no choice but to bring Rachel along, introducing her to Cecilia as a “family friend who needs a place to stay. Aidan is betting on Rachel, after five years of captivity, being too brainwashed and fearful to attempt to escape. But Rachel is a fighter and survivor and recognizes Cecilia might be the lifeline she has waited for all these years. As Rachel tests the boundaries of her new living situation, she begins to form a tenuous connection with Cecilia. And when Emily, a local restaurant owner, develops a crush on the handsome widower, she finds herself drawn into Rachel and Cecilia’s orbit, dangerously close to discovering Aidan’s secret.

Told through the perspectives of Rachel, Cecilia, and Emily, The Quiet Tenant explores the psychological impact of Aidan’s crimes on the women in his life—and the bonds between those women that give them the strength to fight back. A searing thriller and an astute study of trauma, survival, and power dynamics, The Quiet Tenant is an electrifying debut thriller by a significant talent.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Atonement: A Novel

Read: August 2024

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Atonement: A Novel

by Ian McEwan

Today, I started reading “Atonement: A Novel” by Ian McEwan, an acclaimed Booker Prize-winning author. This symphonic novel explores complex themes such as love and war, childhood and class, guilt and forgiveness. It has been recognized as one of the New York Times’s 100 Best Books of the 21st Century, making it a must-read for those interested in these profound themes.

The story is set on a scorching summer day in 1935, where thirteen-year-old Briony Tallis witnesses a moment of flirtation between her older sister, Cecilia, and Robbie Turner, the son of a servant and Cecilia’s childhood friend. Briony’s incomplete understanding of adult motives and her literary gifts lead to a crime that significantly impacts their lives, taking them on an emotional journey of love, guilt, and forgiveness.

The narrative tracks the repercussions of this crime through the chaos and carnage of World War II, a vivid historical backdrop that immerses the reader into the twentieth century’s close. “Atonement” has been acclaimed for engaging readers on multiple levels, marking it a genuine masterpiece from the Booker Prize-winning, internationally bestselling author Ian McEwan.

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Man's Search for Meaning

Read: January 2022

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Man’s Search for Meaning

by Viktor E. Frankl

I remember reading portions of Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl at different times, but I never finished the book. However, recently, eight and a half months after the passing of Jan, the book came up for discussion in one of my groups. Frankl’s theory of logotherapy, which derives from the Greek word for “meaning,” centers around the idea that the primary human drive is not pleasure, as Freud believed, but rather the search for what gives life meaning. I now have a framework for my life without Jan.

For those like me who are widows, Frankl understands suffering,

In some ways, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.

Jan and I lived meaningful lives. My challenge now is to continue to find meaning in my life without Jan.

As Frankl writes,

Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.

The love Jan and I shared was one of my primary sources of meaning. In addition, I stopped working full-time at the end of 2018 and struggled to replace the purpose I had gained from repairing the world. After Jan died, I suffered the “provisional existence of an unknown limit.” Frankl experienced that when he was in the concentration camps.

I have replaced the loss of meaning and purpose with a series of activities:

  1. Planning to Celebrate Jan Day on her birthday this year;
  2. Writing my random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered;
  3. Reading more than ever, including my Goodreads 2022 Reading Challange; and
  4. Walking more than I probably should.

I am also beginning to serve on the board of a few non-profits. It is time to transition from hands-on work to providing leadership differently.

Will this be enough to give my life meaning?

Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.

I must continue focusing on my search for meaning, as life will change over time.

My grief journey has taught me that love never dies,

For the first time in my life, I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth – that Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.

My path forward is to keep Jan’s love alive and continue to share it with others.

I recommend this book without reservation.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Exhibitionist: A Novel

Read: July 2023

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The Exhibitionist: A Novel

by Charlotte Mendelson

I began reading Charlotte Mendelson‘s novel, The Exhibitionist, today. The book tells the story of Lucia and Ray, two artists whose marriage starts to fall apart over a weekend. It explores themes such as art, sacrifice, family dynamics, queer desire, and personal freedom. Charlotte Mendelson has created yet another exceptional novel with The Exhibitionist, ranked as the year’s novel by The Times of London, and described as “furiously funny.”

The Hanrahan family is coming together for an important weekend. Ray Hanrahan, a well-known artist with a big ego, is preparing for his first exhibition in many years. His eldest daughter, Leah, is his biggest supporter. His son, Patrick, has decided to pursue his own path. His youngest daughter, Jess, has a big decision to make. Ray’s wife, Lucia, is also an artist but has always prioritized her roles as a wife and mother. She is keeping secrets of her own and must decide which desires to pursue as the weekend progresses and the exhibition approaches.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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