Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Jan and Richard Walking

Jan’s Still With Me Now

Celebrate JanIt is a new day, month, and New Year today. Although the love of my life is not physically with me, Jan’s spirit is still with me and always will be.

My soul was buried with her, and I still have part of her soul.

Since Jan died eight months ago, I have learned to do everything as I have no one to share life’s burdens with.

Time does not stop for anyone. The only way I can move forward is with her by my side.

She’s still with me now, and our love will never die.

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God Shot

God Shot

God Shot by Chelsea Bieker, one of NPR's Books We Love from 2020, is about the town of Peaches, California, where drought has settled in for the long term. The area of the Central Valley where fourteen-year-old Lacey May and her alcoholic mother live was once an agricultural paradise. Now it's an environmental disaster, a place of cracked earth and barren raisin farms.

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One Day at a Time

One Day at a Time!

Celebrate JanI do not make secular New Year’s resolutions. They often ended as reminders of failed dreams. Instead, I assess and adjust to stay on course.

Since Jan died, I have been tacking my sails constantly.

  1. I walk too much, but not enough.
  2. I have lost weight while eating too fast.
  3. I read more and write about Jan, love, loss, and grief every day.

I cannot undo what happened. I cannot return to the beautiful life that Jan and I had.

Instead, one step at a time, I will share Jan’s love while honoring and cherishing her.

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Charity for All

Charity for All

Celebrate JanOne of the end-of-year tasks that Jan and I would do together would be to make our final charitable contributions.

Although most donations are made monthly, there is always a list at the end of the year.

Two years ago, Jan was in the emergency room, and I had to do them with her consultation.

It was a frantic effort as the clock ticked rapidly toward midnight, but we completed the task.

Tomorrow, I will contribute based on what I know she would want me to do.

This year our contributions will be five times what we did last year.

The more we give, the more we receive, just as sharing Jan’s love generates more love.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Covid Fear

Grief in the Age of COVID

Celebrate Jan

The Age of COVID glides toward a new year as if it is here to stay. More reports from friends getting mild cases make me apprehensive and anxious. Would my grief have been different if COVID had not veiled it? The question is impossible, but my heart-felt instinct tells me it might have been less complicated.

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How Did I Grieve?

If grief has made me a better person, it's because God gave me the ability to listen, embrace, and move forward into the future. Although I miss Jan dearly, I am committed to living with courage, honoring her memory, and being my best father, grandfather, friend, and neighbor.
Half in Shadow

Half in Shadow: A Novel

Half in Shadow by Gemma Liviero is an unforgettable novel about courage, love, and consequences at the dawn of World War I. In German-occupied Belgium, a tragic loss forces Josephine Descharmes to navigate dangerous new territory. By day it’s compliance, serving German officers at the Hotel Métropole. By night it’s resistance, working with her brothers underground to help Allied soldiers and civilians across the border into Holland. Both paths put her and her family at significant risk. This is one of the best books I have ever read. I highly recommend it.

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Call the Midwife

Call the Midwife Holiday Special 2021

On Boxers Day, I watched the Call the Midwife Holiday Special 2021, without Jan. I had watched the previous season without her.

Christmas 1966 promises to be a memorable one. The Nonnatus House team is faced with their busiest Christmas Day ever as the Maternity Home is filled with pregnant moms and challenging cases. Luckily Mother Mildred is on hand to support the team.

The babies, the wedding, and the characters Jan and I had come to know made it enjoyable despite the tears. Love never dies! Grief surrounds me, but I must continue living and bringing Jan’s spirit with me.

Celebrate Jan

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Jan and Richard Walking
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God Shot

Read: December 2021

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God Shot by Chelsea Bieker

by Chelsea Bieker

God Shot by Chelsea Bieker, one of NPR’s Books We Love from 2020, is about the town of Peaches, California, where drought has settled in for the long term. The area of the Central Valley where fourteen-year-old Lacey May and her alcoholic mother live was once an agricultural paradise. Now it’s an environmental disaster, a place of cracked earth and barren raisin farms.

In their desperation, residents have turned to a cult leader named Pastor Vern for guidance. Everybody is praying for survival through secret “assignments” to bring the rain.

God Shot is an enjoyable read. However, I first found it challenging to accept Pastor Vern’s assignments, especially to Lacey May and her fellow teenage girls. Would people believe in a cult leader and get “assignments” that involve women fully accepting male domination in the twenty-first century? When I had doubts, I would wake up, listen to the news, or read the papers and discover that it is plausible and does happen in our world.

After being god-shot, Lacey May becomes one day at a time feminist as she has to rely on herself and other women who do not accept Pastor Vern’s divine leadership. Slowly but surely, she and her friends find a miracle to help them escape not only the environmental disaster caused by the drought but the moral depravity of Pastor Vern.

Goodreads provides this overview of the God Shot.

Lacey has no reason to doubt the pastor. But then her life explodes in a single unimaginable act of abandonment: her mother, exiled from the community for her sins, leaves Lacey and runs off with a man she barely knows. Abandoned and distraught, Lacey May moves in with her widowed grandma, Cherry, who is more concerned with her taxidermy mouse collection than her own granddaughter. As Lacey May endures the increasingly appalling acts of men who want to write all the rules and begins to uncover the full extent of Pastor Vern’s shocking plan to bring fertility back to the land, she decides she must go on a quest to find her mother no matter what it takes. With her only guidance coming from the romance novels she reads and the unlikely companionship of the women who knew her mother, she must find her own way through unthinkable circumstances.

Possessed of an unstoppable plot and a brilliantly soulful voice, Godshot is a book of grit, humor, and heart, a debut novel about female friendship and resilience, mother loss and motherhood, and seeking salvation in unexpected places. It introduces a writer who gives Flannery O’Connor’s Gothic parables a Californian twist and who emerges with a miracle that is all her own.

I recommend this novel without reservations!

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One Day at a Time
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Charity for All
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Covid Fear
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Half in Shadow

Read: December 2021

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Half in Shadow: A Novel

by Gemma Liviero

Half in Shadow by Gemma Liviero is an unforgettable novel about courage, love, and consequences at the dawn of World War I. In German-occupied Belgium, a tragic loss forces Josephine Descharmes to navigate dangerous new territory. By day it’s compliance, serving German officers at the Hotel Métropole. By night it’s resistance, working with her brothers underground to help Allied soldiers and civilians across the border into Holland. Both paths put her and her family at significant risk.

Before Jan’s death, I preferred to read non-fiction or fiction about historical events. Although I had read nothing by the author before this novel, I decided to read based on the summary. When I finished the book, the author described her goal as a writer in a manner that confirmed my decision.

“Much of my aim in the stories I write is to put human faces, be they fictional, to the many who lived through these events and imagine the experiences and reactions by innocent parties thrust into such situations.”

Half in Shadow: A Novel by Gemma Liviero

Josephine’s involvement in the resistance begins slowly and gains strength with every page. Her brothers Eugene, Xavier, and her mother become realistic due to the precise writing of Ms. Liviero.

Arthur, the English soldier who falls in love with Josephine, becomes an equal member of the resistance and the family. Franz, the German in love with Josephine, is not as strongly defined as appropriate as he is the enemy.

The Amazon overview provides a brief overview of the novel.

As Josephine struggles to keep her family safe, Arthur, a grief-stricken English soldier trapped behind enemy lines, finds purpose and hope with Josephine and her work. Meanwhile, Franz, a German officer remorseful for war casualties, offers her protection and opportunity. These two men from opposing sides will open her heart and test her loyalties.

Amid the sorrows of war and threats of mortal danger and betrayal, Josephine must steer her fate. In a country deprived of freedom, she will make an impossible choice—one that will forever impact the family she cherishes and the man she loves.

The book’s conclusion, which I will not reveal, brings together all of the novel’s threads in a way that reminded me of the power of love and family.

This is one of the best books I have ever read. I highly recommend it.

Half in Shadow is the first time I have gotten a book from Amazon First Reads. I highly recommend First Reads as a way to read books earlier than their regular release. Half in Shadow is not scheduled to be published until January 1, 2022.

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Call the Midwife
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Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories

Read: December 2022

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Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories

by Meng Jin

Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories by Meng Jin was written during the turbulent years of the Trump administration and the first year of the pandemic, these stories explore intimacy and isolation, coming of age, and coming to terms with the repercussions of past mistakes, fraying relationships, and surprising moments of connection. I highly recommend Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories!

Each story speaks so clearly to the loneliness epidemic that confronts our world. I would read one short story and promise to stop and wait until another day to read the next one. Instead

One phrase that will always remain with me is: “The hallucinatory quality of grief.” As a widow, the phrase struck a chord that will forever resonate in my soul.

This is the seventy-third book I have read this year.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Meng Jin’s critically acclaimed debut novel, Little Gods, was praised as “spectacular and emotionally polyphonic (Omar El-Akkad, BookPage), “powerful” (Washington Post), and “meticulously observed, daringly imagined” (Claire Messud). Jin turns her considerable talents into short fiction in ten thematically linked stories.

Moving between San Francisco and China, and from unsparing realism to genre-bending delight, Self-Portrait with Ghost considers what it means to live in an age of heightened self-consciousness, seemingly unlimited access to knowledge, and little actual power.

Page-turning, thought-provoking, and wholly unique, Self-Portrait with Ghost further establishes Meng Jin as a writer who “reminds us that possible explanations in our universe are as varied as the beings who populate it” (Paris Review).


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Rejection: Fiction

Read: December 2024

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Rejection: Fiction

by Tony Tulathimutte

Today, I dove into Tony Tulathimutte‘s “Rejection: Fiction,” and I’m already captivated! This book was longlisted for the 2024 National Book Award in Fiction and named a New York Times Best Book of the Year. Tulathimutte, known for his award-winning work “Private Citizens,” weaves together a series of electrifying linked stories that keenly examine how rejection weaves its way into the lives and relationships of his deeply intertwined characters.

With sharp observations and outrageous humor, *Rejection* delves into the most sensitive issues of modern life. This collection of seven interconnected stories transitions smoothly between the personal crises of a complex cast of characters and the comic tragedies associated with sex, relationships, identity, and the internet.

In “The Feminist,” a young man’s passionate allyship turns into furious nihilism as he realizes, after thirty lonely years, that his efforts are not leading to romantic success or even getting laid; in “Pics,” a young woman’s unrequited crush spirals into obsession, systematically eroding her sense of self. “Ahegao; or, The Ballad of Sexual Repression,” depicts a shy late bloomer whose fumbling attempts at a first relationship result in a life-changing mistake. As these characters intersect through dating apps, social media feeds, dimly lit bars, and bedrooms, they reveal how our delusions can distort our desire for connection.

These brilliant satires examine the understated sorrows of rejection with a modern classic’s authority and a manifesto’s frenetic energy. Bold and unforgettable, Rejection is a striking mosaic that redefines what it means to face rejection from lovers, friends, society, and oneself.



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The Garden of Letters

Read: June 2021

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The Garden of Letters

by son Richman

The Garden of Letters by Alyson Richman was one of the first books I read after Jan died. It was the perfect love story to read after the loss of the love of my life. The love Jan and I shared was because we shared a portion of the soul of the other, and thus we were meant for each other from day one. 

The two primary characters – Elodie Bertolotti and Angelo Rosselli – resonated with me as they were also people who shared souls. The book “captures the hope, suspense, and romance of an uncertain era, in an epic intertwining story of first love, great tragedy, and spectacular bravery.

As I turned every page, the story filled my heart with love and happiness as it reminded me of the love that Jan and I shared.

Portofino, Italy, 1943. A young woman steps off a boat in a scenic coastal village. Although she knows how to disappear in a crowd, Elodie is too terrified to slip by the German officers while carrying her poorly forged identity papers. She is frozen until a man she’s never met before claims to know her. In desperate need of shelter, Elodie follows him back to his home on the cliffs of Portofino.

Only months before, Elodie Bertolotti was a cello prodigy in Verona, unconcerned with world events. But when Mussolini’s Fascist regime strikes her family, Elodie is drawn into the burgeoning resistance movement by Luca, a young and passionate bookseller. As the occupation looms, she discovers that her unique musical talents, and her courage, have the power to save lives.

In Portofino, young doctor Angelo Rosselli gives the frightened and exhausted girl sanctuary. He is a man with painful secrets of his own, haunted by guilt and remorse. But Elodie’s arrival has the power to awaken a sense of hope that Angelo thought was lost to him forever.

I not only recommend this book, but I am also looking forward to reading more of her novels.

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Normal Rules Don't Apply: Stories

Read: September 2023

Normal Rules Don’t Apply: Stories

by Kate Atkinson

Today, I commended reading Normal Rules Don’t Apply: Stories by Kate Atkinson, is a dazzling collection of eleven interconnected stories from the bestselling, award-winning author of Shrines of Gaiety and Life After Life, with everything that readers love about her novels—the inventiveness, the verbal felicity, the sharp observations on human nature, and the deeply satisfying emotional wallop.

Nothing is quite as it seems in this collection of eleven dazzling stories. We meet a queen who makes a bargain she cannot keep, a secretary who watches over the life she has just left, and a man who bets on a horse that may—or may not—have spoken to him. Everything that readers love about the novels of Kate Atkinson is here—the inventiveness, the verbal felicity, the sharp observations on human nature, and the deeply satisfying emotional wallop.

A startling and funny feast for the imagination, these stories conjure a multiverse of subtly connected worlds while illuminating the webs of chance and connection among us all.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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The Peacekeeper

Read: May 2022

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The Peacekeeper: A Novel

by B.L. Blanchard

The Peacekeeper: A Novel by B.L. Blanchard is about North America, where The United States and Canada do not exist. After reading about Ethiopia during the ill-fated Italian invasion, I looked for an alternative history of my continent. An independent Ojibwe nation surrounding the Great Lakes is the change in venue that I was seeking.

Although crime mysteries are not my preferred genre, I found The Peacekeeper: A Novel by B.L. Blanchard a pageturner and a highly recommended book. Chibenashi’s works resolve a second murder twenty years after his mothers. The victim is his mother’s best friend. The search for truth will change his life and those close to him.

The Goodreads summary:

Against the backdrop of a never-colonized North America, a broken Ojibwe detective embarks on an emotional and twisting journey toward solving two murders, rediscovering family, and finding himself.

In the village of Baawitigong, a Peacekeeper confronts his devastating past.

Twenty years ago, Chibenashi’s mother was murdered, and his father confessed. Ever since caring for his still-traumatized younger sister has been Chibenashi’s privilege and penance. Now, another woman is slain on the same night of the Manoomin harvest—his mother’s best friend. The murder leads to a seemingly impossible connection that takes Chibenashi far from the only world he’s ever known.

The central city of Shikaakwa is home to the victim’s cruelly estranged family—and to two people Chibenashi never wanted to see again: his imprisoned father and the lover who broke his heart. As the questions mount, the answers will change his and his sister’s lives forever because Chibenashi is about to discover that everything about those lives has been a lie.


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The Extinction of Irena Rey

Read: April 2024

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The Extinction of Irena Rey

by Jennifer Croft

I began reading “The Extinction of Irena Rey” by Jennifer Croft today. The novel is about eight translators searching for a world-famous author, Irena Rey, who has gone missing in a primeval Polish forest. The translators have come from eight different countries and share a deep admiration for Irena Rey. Their mission is to translate her masterpiece, “Gray Eminence,” but their task takes an unexpected turn when Irena disappears within days of their arrival.

The translators begin to investigate where Irena may have gone while continuing to work on her book. They explore the ancient wooded refuge, with its intoxicating slime molds and lichens, and study Irena’s exotic belongings and layered texts for clues. However, their search reveals secrets and deceptions that they are unprepared for. As they grow increasingly paranoid in this isolated and obsessive fever dream, the translators are forced to confront their differences, and their rivalries and desires threaten not only their work but also the fate of Irena Rey herself.

This debut novel is a brilliant exploration of art, celebrity, the natural world, and the power of language. It is a thought-provoking narrative blends humor and adventure, taking readers on an unforgettable journey with a small yet diverse cast of characters. These characters, shaken by the shocks of love, destruction, and creation, find themselves in one of Europe’s last great wildernesses, where the fate of their beloved author hangs in the balance.

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