Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Greif's Roller Coaster

Grief’s Roller Coaster

Grief’s roller coaster now only has minor lows and very small highs.

In some ways, it feels as if I am on the Lazy L subway line from the seventies. The train moves reasonably steadily, and it does rock back and forth, but it is not a roller coaster. If anything, the train often stops and waits forever in the tunnel.

The day I met Jan, the L train seemed as if it would sit in place until after her party was over.

Thankfully, it moved, and I was able to meet the love of my life.

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Peaceful Jan

Is This The New Normal?

Today, my grief feels like it has for the last month. Stable but still sailing slowly to the Community of Love.

I never thought I could live without her for six months. The hospitalizations earlier this year, when I could not visit her, were more stressful.

Six months without her feels like an eternity. However, living alone has become my new regular. I am not sure it is what I expected or what I would like for the rest of my life, but will I live in this world?

I live one day at a time and share her love with everyone.

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Jan Voting by Mail

Jan Voting by Mail

Voting is not only a right but an obligation. Jan and I voted together in every election. We both voted absentee last year with Jan’s Lymphoma and COVID-19. The Dropbox was by our town’s library. It usually is a short four-tenths of a mile walk from our apartment, and last year, it was a slower, lovely walk together.

If Jan could make an effort to vote when her life was on the line, we can all fulfill our obligation this year and every year by voting.

I can share her love by sharing her passion for voting.

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Visiting Jan During COVID

We had survived COVID, the never-ending ER visit, but we were together and had hope.
Jan by the Sea

Six Months Solo

Living solo for six months seems like an eternity! Memories of life before Jan’s death are faded and covered in cobwebs. Even the first and last kisses, however gentle they may be, vanish from my mind. As much as I have lived alone but not lonely, I miss her very much.

A year ago, we were preparing for her discharge after CAR-T. The two of us were cautiously optimistic, and we would not have believed them if the doctors had told us that she had only six months left.

Today and every day, I share Jan’s love with everybody.

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How Did I Grieve?

If grief has made me a better person, it's because God gave me the ability to listen, embrace, and move forward into the future. Although I miss Jan dearly, I am committed to living with courage, honoring her memory, and being my best father, grandfather, friend, and neighbor.

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Halloween Jan

Jan on Halloween

As we aged, Jan continued to love dressing up for Halloween long after I decided not to wear a costume. The photo shows one of her favorite costumes. The blue jacket is mine; I wore it the day we met, and we still have it. The buttons were primarily from a collection of historic presidential campaign buttons I had. The wig is one Jan purchased. Of course, the smile is all Jan.

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Love is a Magical Force!

Whenever I fall in love, I do so with all my heart and soul, leaving no room for half-steps. My love is unconditional and knows no boundaries. My wife knew and accepted me for who I am. Together, Jan and I created a legacy for ages to come.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Greif's Roller Coaster
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Peaceful Jan
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Jan Voting by Mail
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Jan by the Sea
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The New Wilderness

Read: October 2021

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The New Wilderness

by Diane Cook

The New Wilderness by Diane Cook. The New Wilderness is a timely book and one that resonated with me. When Jan and I met in 1973, it was a revolutionary time with movements encouraging communes and returning to the farm. Neither Jan nor I were interested in living in a commune. Reading this book helped reassure me that we made the correct choice.

The summary of the book is:

Margaret Atwood meets Miranda July in this wildly imaginative debut novel of a mother’s battle to save her daughter in a world ravaged by climate change; A prescient and suspenseful book from the author of the acclaimed story collection, Man V. Nature.

Bea’s five-year-old daughter, Agnes, is slowly wasting away, consumed by the smog and pollution of the overdeveloped metropolis that most of the population now calls home. If they stay in the city, Agnes will die. There is only one alternative: the Wilderness State, the last swath of untouched, protected land, where people have always been forbidden. Until now.

Bea, Agnes, and eighteen others volunteer to live in the Wilderness State, guinea pigs in an experiment to see if humans can exist in nature without destroying it. Living as nomadic hunter-gatherers, they slowly and painfully learn to survive in an unpredictable, dangerous land, bickering and battling for power and control as they betray and save one another. But as Agnes embraces the wild freedom of this new existence, Bea realizes that saving her daughter’s life means losing her in a different way. The farther they get from civilization, the more their bond is tested in astonishing and heartbreaking ways.

At once a blazing lament of our contempt for nature and a deeply humane portrayal of motherhood and what it means to be human, The New Wilderness is an extraordinary novel from a one-of-a-kind literary force.

When I finished this book, I read Pompeii Still Has Buried Secrets by  in The New Yorker. It reminded me of all of the threats to civilization that we face, who will be Pliny the Younger to be “the only surviving eyewitness account of the disaster.” Fleeing our cities for the wilderness is no longer an option!

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Halloween Jan
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When She Woke

Read: August 2022

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When She Woke

by Hillary Jordan

When She Woke, a fable about a stigmatized woman struggling to navigate an America of a not-too-distant future by Hillary Jordan, Bellwether Prize WinnerHannah Payne, the protagonist, embarks on a path of self-discovery that forces her to question the values she once held and the righteousness of a country that politicizes faith. The premise of When She Woke seems to be happening as I read the novel. It is also the one hundred books I have read since the beginning of 2019 and the forty-fifth this year.

Hannah Payne, like Hester Prynne, is attacked for her actions by extreme religious beliefs. Instead of wearing a scarlet letter, Hannah’s chroming (i.e., having her skin altered) makes her skin red from head to toe. The chroming might have been a good theme for a science fiction novel. Still, Ms. Jordan has written a captivating book in which Hannah confronts who she is and, after questioning the values she once had, discovers that Hannah is more vital than she believed she could be.

I highly recommend this novel.

As Ms. Jordan describes the book,

Hannah Payne’s life has been devoted to church and family. But after she’s convicted of murder, she awakens to a nightmare: she finds herself lying on a table in a solitary confinement cell, her skin turned bright red. Cameras are broadcasting her every move to millions at home, for whom observing newly made “Chromes”—criminals whose skin color has been genetically altered to reflect their crime—is a sinister form of entertainment. Hannah is a Red, a murderess. The victim, says the state of Texas, was her unborn child, and she’s determined to protect the identity of the father, a public figure with whom she shared a fierce and forbidden love.

A powerful reimagining of The Scarlet Letter, When She Woke is a timely fable about a stigmatized woman struggling to navigate a dystopian America. In this not-too-distant future, the line between church and state has been eradicated and convicted felons are no longer imprisoned, but “chromed” and released back into the population to survive as best they can.

As she seeks a path to safety in an alien and hostile world, Hannah unknowingly embarks on a journey of self-discovery that forces her to question the values she once held true and the righteousness of a country that politicizes faith and love.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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A Harvest of Secrets- A Novel

Read: August 2022

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A Harvest of Secrets: A Novel

by Roland Merullo

After reading Aftermirth, I wanted a book I could enjoy without raising questions I was not ready to answer. A Harvest of Secrets by Roland Merullo was set in Italy in 1943. The terror seeds planted by Hitler brought Allied forces to Italian soil. Young lovers separated by war—one near a Tuscan hill town, the other a soldier on the Sicilian front—will meet any challenge to reunite. Historical fiction is a genre I enjoy. Will this book fulfill my needs? The answer is yes.

The web of secrets that are harvested kept me on my toes. Usually, the surprises of a novel are ones that I know even before finishing the book. At least one of the secrets did surprise me.

I also found the background of the war and loyalty to Il Duce a reminder that blind loyalty to a leader can destroy a nation.

I recommend this book.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Vittoria SanAntonio, the daughter of a prosperous vineyard owner, is caught in a web of family secrets. Defying her domineering father, she has fallen for humble vineyard keeper Carlo Conte. When Carlo is conscripted into Mussolini’s army, it sets a fire in Vittoria, and she joins the resistance. As the Nazi war machine encroaches, Vittoria is drawn into dangers as unknowable as those faced by the man she loves.

Badly wounded on the first day of the invasion, Carlo regains consciousness on a farm in Sicily. Nursed back to health by a kind family there, he embarks on an arduous journey north through his ravaged homeland. For Carlo and Vittoria, as wartime threats mount and their paths diverge, what lies ahead will test their courage as never before.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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Nobody Gets Out Alive- Stories

Read: February 2023

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Nobody Gets Out Alive: Stories

by Leigh Newman

Nobody Gets Out Alive: Stories by Leigh Newman, set in Newman’s home state of Alaska and an exciting virtuosic story collection about women navigating the wilds of a male-dominated society. Nobody Gets Out Alive is a collection of dazzling, courageous stories about women struggling to survive, not just grizzly bears and charging moose but the raw, exhausting legacy of their marriages and families.

There are moments when characters in a story leap off the page and become, for a few moments, our soul mates. Ms. Newman, in each of these memorable stories, engages so fully that each character becomes so alive that I wanted to know more about their lives.

The stores span both the recent past and the founding of Anchorage. I found all of them to be stories I would happily read again. The recent stories highlight the common desire for a freer, more inclusive world for women. A woman forced to sell her home or a new bride testing limits on her return home resonates as themes of the modern world.

The final story is set in 1915 in a railroad camp. The story highlights the founding of Anchorage. As one who likes historical fiction, I was so engaged that I could not take a break. I was not expecting the outspoken heiress would stage an elaborate theatrical to seduce the wife of her husband’s employer.

I may never visit Alaska at my age, but I now know enough to feel I have lived in Seward’s Folly.

I decided to read this book after reading Ms. Newman wrote a review of The Faraway World. Ms. Newman is a skilled writer, and I highly recommend this collection and look forward to reading more of her stories in the future.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

In “Howl Palace”—winner of The Paris Review’s Terry Southern Prize, a Best American Short Story, and Pushcart Prize selection—an aging widow struggles with a rogue hunting dog and the memories of her five ex-husbands while selling her house after bankruptcy. In the title story, “Nobody Gets Out Alive,” newly married Katrina visits her hometown of Anchorage. She blows up her wedding reception by flirting with the host and running off with an enormous mastodon tusk.

Alongside stories set in today’s Last Frontier—rife with suburban sprawl, global warming, and opioid addiction—Newman delves into the remote wilderness of the 1970s and 80s, bringing to life young girls and single moms in search of a wilder, more accessible, more adventurous America. The final story takes place in a railroad camp in 1915, where an outspoken heiress stages an elaborate theatrical to seduce the wife of her husband’s employer, revealing how this masterful storyteller is “not only writing unforgettable, brilliantly complex characters, she’s somehow inventing souls” (Kimberly King Parsons, author of Black Light).


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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A Game Called Dead

Read: November 2021

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A Game Called Dead

by Michael Stephen Daigle

A Game Called Dead by Michael Stephen Daigle is the sequel to “The Swamps of Jersey,” the first Frank Nagler Mystery. Having read the fourth one – The Red Hand, I recently read the first one and thought this was an excellent time to read the second in this impressive deceptive series.

Reading the Frank Nagler Mysteries is rare when this reviewer knows the author. Mr. Daigle wrote this is the overview of A Game Called Dead.

Nagler is called to investigate the brutal attack on two women at the local college. It begins a tale of urban terror, which seems to be directed at Nagler and his associates.

The story introduces the mysterious terrorist #ARMEGEDDON, who taunted the police from cyberspace.

The story also digs deeper into Nagler’s past, especially the old Charlie Adams serial-killer case, and his relationship with Lauren Fox, who played a crucial role in exposing the political corruption in “Swamps.” She is back and steps into the front of Nagler’s life.

The story also introduced Harriet Waddley-Jones, a college dean, Nagler’s nemesis, and later ally.

Each book is a challenge to write a “better” book. In this case, I wanted tighter, faster action to develop a theme and flow to help carry the story. Sound and the description of sound are keys.

I also wanted Nagler to confront aspects of his past. Can he reconcile them, or will they always haunt him?

This reviewer’s opinion was a more substantial plot than the first book in the Frank Nagler Mysteries. Like all good mysteries, the suspense built page by page, and I figured out who the villain was late in the novel.

The one part that was difficult for me to read was the ending and the potential reigniting of the relationship with Lauren Fox. Having lost Jan, my wife, this year, I am aware of Frank Nagler’s pain in the first book about losing his wife. Ms. Fox only appeared in The Swamps of Jersey as a lost friend. I understand that some widows need to find love again to feel happy, which is not what I need or am seeking. The next book may provide some difficult moments on this topic, but I look forward to reading the next Frank Nagler Mystery.

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The Weddings

Read: February 2023

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The Weddings: Inheritance Collection

by Alexander Chee

Today I read The Weddings by Alexander Chee. It is the fifth and last book in Inheritance, a collection of five stories about secrets, unspoken desires, and dangerous revelations between loved ones. For Jack Cho, a fortysomething gay man, being able to marry someone he loves is so unfamiliar it’s terrifying. Then a wedding invitation from a college friend brings about a collision with those fears—and his secret history.

I have always enjoyed weddings. I attended the last one when my younger son married in July 2021. Not sure if I will ever participate in another wedding.

I have attended many diverse weddings but never one with as many secret histories. To avoid revealing the secrets, I will state that The Weddings is well written, each moment is precise, and the mysteries are neither shocking nor disruptive to the story.

I highly recommend The Weddings.

Each Inheritance piece can be read or listened to in a single setting. By yourself, behind closed doors, or shared with someone you trust. The Weddings is the fifth one in the series I have read.

The previous four were:

I have enjoyed all five books.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Jack and his new boyfriend, Caleb, are attending the wedding of Jack’s estranged straight friend Scott. No sooner do the guests start to mingle than questions arise about relationships, tradition, Jack’s feelings for the groom, and what’s at stake as he navigates daunting territory, both new and old. In this wry and surprising short story, award-winning author Alexander Chee extends an invitation to the party—and awakening—of a lifetime.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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My Brilliant Friend

Read: July 2024

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My Brilliant Friend

by Elena Ferrante

Today, I delved into Elena Ferrante‘s captivating novel My Brilliant Friend. This acclaimed book hailed as the #1 Book of the 21st Century by the New York Times, weaves a timeless tale of the enduring bond between two women from Naples. With its rich character development and evocative historical setting, it stands alongside other character-driven works of literary fiction.

Beginning in the 1950s in a poor but vibrant neighborhood on the outskirts of Naples, Elena Ferrante’s four-volume story spans almost sixty years. The main characters, the fiery and unforgettable Lila and the bookish narrator, Elena, are bound by an enduring friendship that withstands the test of time and life’s challenges. This first novel in the series follows Lila and Elena from their fateful meeting as ten-year-olds through their school years and adolescence, evoking a sense of enduring connection and emotional resonance.

Through the lives of these two women, Ferrante weaves a compelling narrative of a neighborhood, a city, and a country undergoing profound transformation. These societal changes, in turn, also reshape the relationship between the two women, adding a rich layer of historical and cultural context to the story. This context will enrich your reading experience and provide a deeper understanding of the characters and their journey.

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