Most concise histories leave out more than they include. I found the Sum of our Dreams to be an excellent book to read, and professor Masur conveyed the American experience concisely and clearly.
Stream of Consciousness!
My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.
Breathe
Reading Breathe by Joyce Carol Oates was a book I knew I needed to read once Jan was diagnosed. Despite the possibility that the book would trigger negative memories, I finally read Breathe. It was what I needed to read at this point in my journey. Ms. Oates wrote the book in 2019 after her husband, Charlie Gross, died. The novel is a story of love, loss, and loneliness. These are topics that I write about on this blog.
Walking With Jan!
I walk long distances alone, but I genuinely miss my walks with Jan. On the day we met, we walked several miles to acquaint ourselves with the person we loved.
Today, I remember the short, slow walks to Temple for the High Holidays and the lesson from the Baal Shem Tov that we read every year.
Your fellow human being is a mirror for you. If there is love and compassion in your soul, you will see the goodness in others.
I am and always will be surrouned by Jan’s love, compassion, and goodness every day of my life.
Fasting Alone
Tonight begins Yom Kippur. When Jan was alive, she often would tell me I shouldn’t fast as I was not born Jewish. However, I had fasted before I met her for various causes. Would she be surprised that I attend services every Friday night and during the High Holidays?
I have committed to attending every Friday night service for the first year since her death, as Judaism is now my faith.
Both faith and rituals are important to me, and they help me on my journey of love as I sail from the Island of Grief back to the Community of Love.
Finding Peace, One Piece at a Time
Finding Peace, One Piece at a Time by Rachel Blythe Kodanaz is a book I wish I had long before Jan died. It provides helpful information that can help maintain an organized lifestyle as well as assist with the possessions of a loved one.
Fast Eating
Recently, I have noticed that I devour my meals, even though I have never been a fan of fast food. I miss having my dear companion, Jan, by my side during mealtimes.
I rushed through my meals and cleaned up more efficiently without Jan. Unfortunately, I am left with nothing but the lonely hours of the night as my companion.
Eating alone makes me feel rushed and unfulfilled, as if I am trying to finish my meal as quickly as possible without taking the time to savor it.. Despite being able to care for myself, eating alone makes me uneasy.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
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Visiting the Cemetery
Yesterday, I went to the cemetery for the High Holidays, the first time I did the visit without Jan. In the past, I could hold her hand, hug her when her body language indicated she needed one, and give her a kiss when we were leaving.
The High Holidays have helped me to think more clearly, and having cast out my sins that I may or may not have committed against the love of my life allowed for a franker discussion.