My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.
After Ida’s monsoon symphony of wind, fire, and rain last night, I awoke this morning, remembering that today was my mom’s birthday. Sixteen years ago, five days after Katrina swamped in New Orleans. We celebrated her 90th birthday in Lynn Haven, Fl.
History does not repeat itself, but the enigma of two significant hurricanes submerging one city exactly sixteen years apart that would also resurface memories of my mom is difficult to fathom.
The New York Times had a guest essay by Dr. Kate Bowler, an associate professor at Duke Divinity School, entitled “One Thing I Don’t Plan to Do Before I Die Is Make a Bucket List.” Dr. Bowler is the author of “No Cure for Being Human,” and this essay has been adapted. She provides an overview of how the phrase “bucket list” came to convey an unnecessary need.
After reading the essay, I found no answer to my question. I do not have or need a bucket list. I desire to live my life to its fullest potential!
One of the members of the Saturday Grief Group raised an intriguing question today. Are we lonely, or are we missing our loved ones?
I am at times lonely, but not all the time. I’m increasingly busy with writing, reading, walking, a little work, and just managing our home on my own.
I do miss Jan very much! I listed many of them in a previous stream entitled Missing Jan! I will love her for an eternity, and I am sure I will miss her for that long as well.
Last night I attended an event for the Hanson Park Conservancy at Venue 104 in Cranford. The Conservancy was impressed by donations for the memorial bench, and there is still time to donate for Jan’s memorial bench.
Our family is donating to plant a Forest Pansy Red Bud tree and make other improvements, including improvements to the triangular garden at the entrance to the park. Friends are helping to purchase a memorial bench.
The Conservancy members are all excited that we will ensure that Jan’s memory remains alive and help the park with much-needed improvements. This evening confirmed for me that this is the perfect place, the best organization, and the loveliest of people to work with to make this happen.
“Nothing Could Prepare Me for Watching My Wife Slip Away” by Tom Coughlin on Aug. 24, 2021, is an excellent reminder of the critical role of caregivers. It is a commitment I made to Jan not only on the day we married but also every day we met.
With a constantly changing playbook, I woke up every day committed to doing this job better than any I had ever done. I am not sure if I improved, but I know that the love, care, and support I provided helped my wife during the most challenging days of her life.
“In witnessing the earth violently remaking itself, I realized we were previewing the future apocalypse humans had already designed. But it was also humbling, and a shameful relief, to be reminded of our species’ narcissism: not every radical change that happens to the earth is because of us.“
This quote is from Heidi Julavits’ essay Chasing the Lava Flow in Iceland in The New Yorker. Her essay is about being at a volcanic eruption, and the sublime experience of watching land submerge land. Her quote about our collective narcissism explains the climate emergency and many other problems confronting us.
First Recipient Assemblywoman Annette Quijano
The Janice C. Lilien Humanitarian Award is a tremendous honor for Jan, who died sixteen weeks ago yesterday.
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by Sigrid Nunez
The Friend: A Novel by Sigrid Nunez is a moving story of love, friendship, grief, healing, and the magical bond between a woman and her dog. When a woman unexpectedly loses her lifelong best friend and mentor, she finds herself burdened with the unwanted dog he has left behind. I understand the positives and negatives of having a dog help with grief, but I cannot have one where I live.
One line that resonated with me was,
You can’t hurry, love, as the song goes. You can’t hurry, grief, either.
Far too often, widows are in a hurry, not unlike young lovers. We need to learn patience and remind ourselves that the more we love, the more we will grieve.
I often said that Jan would replace me with a dog if she survived me.
I recommend this book.
The Goodreads summary provides a concise overview,
The woman’s own battle against grief is intensified by the mute suffering of the dog, a huge Great Dane traumatized by the inexplicable disappearance of its master, and by the threat of eviction: dogs are prohibited in her apartment building.
While others worry that grief has made her a victim of magical thinking, the woman refuses to be separated from the dog except for brief periods of time. Isolated from the rest of the world, increasingly obsessed with the dog’s care, determined to read its mind and fathom its heart, she comes dangerously close to unraveling. But while troubles abound, rich and surprising rewards lie in store for both of them.
Elegiac and searching, The Friend is both a meditation on loss and a celebration of human-canine devotion.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
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by Rebecca Kauffman
I began reading “I’ll Come to You: A Novel” by Rebecca Kauffman today. This sweeping and compact novel explores themes of intimacy, memory, loss, grief, and reconciliation. It delves into the wonder, terror, frustration, fear, and magic of confronting the unknowable in the world and within ourselves. The New York Times recommended it as one of six books to read this week.
I’ll Come to You is a modern and classic story of a family that follows intersecting lives throughout 1995, centered around the anticipation and arrival of a child. Through empathy, insight, and humor, Rebecca Kauffman delves into overlapping narratives: a couple struggling to conceive, which has both softened and hardened their relationship; a woman whose husband of forty years has left her without explaining why; and the man who is disastrously trying to win her affection. Additionally, there’s a couple in denial about an impending health crisis and their son, who is awkwardly navigating middle age while unable to stop lying.
Ultimately, these storylines build to a dramatic and harrowing climax. With heart, wit, and courage, the characters confront challenges that test and define their family bonds.
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by Megan Angelo
Followers by Megan Angelo is one of NPR’s Books We Love from 2020. Goodreads describes this as an electrifying story of two ambitious friends, the dark choices they make, and the stunning moment that changes the world as we know it forever.
Followers is a novel, but it could easily be read as history with all that has occurred with technology and social media. With the increased discussion of the Metaverse, how close are we to a significant spill of personal information? With the focus on followers defining our culture, how close are we to being manipulated by social media?
As a wannabe blogger, I am impressed by a handful of likes on social media and two comments on my posts. Although I can understand the temptation of Orla and Floss to manipulate the system for their benefit, it is something I know I would not do even if I had the skills.
The spill of personal information is described in a very plausible way. It is not just credit card data but private conversations, photos, and secrets that are spilled and alter the world as we know it. Is this possible? Hopefully not, but without adequate privacy regulations, we may all wake up one day to know that our most private secrets become known by everyone.
Marlow, the daughter of two mothers, along with Orla, provides an option of how we might all leave with less reliance on blue screens. As a secessionist nation in NJ, Atlantis was an interesting alternate reality.
Goodreads provides this overview if you are not convinced to read this book.
Orla Cadden is a budding novelist stuck in a dead-end job, writing clickbait about movie-star hookups and influencer yoga moves. Then Orla meets Floss ― a striving wannabe A-lister ― who comes up with a plan for launching them both into the high-profile lives they dream about. So what if Orla and Floss’s methods are a little shady and sometimes people get hurt? Their legions of followers can’t be wrong.
Thirty-five years later, in a closed California village where government-appointed celebrities live every moment of the day on camera, a woman named Marlow discovers a shattering secret about her past. Despite her massive popularity ― twelve million loyal followers ― Marlow dreams of fleeing the corporate sponsors who would do anything to keep her on-screen. When she learns that her whole family history is based on a lie, Marlow finally summons the courage to run in search of the truth, no matter the risks.
Followers traces the paths of Orla, Floss and Marlow as they wind through time toward each other, and toward a cataclysmic event that sends America into lasting upheaval. At turns wry and tender, bleak and hopeful, this darkly funny story reminds us that even if we obsess over famous people we’ll never meet, what we crave is genuine human connection.
I recommend Followers as not only a good read but an allegory of our technology-dominated culture.
by Marilynne Robinson
Jack: A Novel by Marilynne Robinson is the second book in this series I have read. Previously I read, Home, and now I have read the fourth. Without Jan by my side, I read more but not always in order. Fortunately, Jack appears in Home at a later point than is covered in this novel. That provided an understanding of the next phase of Jack and Della’s relationship.
I very much enjoyed reading this novel. Although Jan and I fell in love without all of the complexities of this couple, there were enough similarities that reminded me of how special our love was and remains. For example, our long conversations, many of which were while we walked, are reminiscent of the novel.
I highly recommend this novel. One of the reviews suggested that the next volume should be about Della. I will read that book before the ink drys.
Goodreads provides an overview.
In this book, Robinson tells the story of John Ames Boughton, the prodigal son of Gilead’s Presbyterian minister, and his romance with Della Miles, a high school teacher who is also the child of a preacher. They’re deeply felt, tormented, star-crossed interracial romance resonates with all the paradoxes of American life, then and now.
Marilynne Robinson’s mythical world of Gilead, Iowa—the setting of her novels Gilead, Home, and Lila, and now Jack—and its beloved characters have illuminated and interrogated the complexities of American history, the power of our emotions, and the wonders of a sacred world.
Robinson’s Gilead novels, which have won one Pulitzer Prize and two National Book Critics Circle Awards, are vital to contemporary American literature and a revelation of our national character and humanity.
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by Elizabeth O'Connor
I have started reading “Whale Fall: A Novel” by Elizabeth O’Connor. With its unique blend of loss, isolation, folklore, and the journey of self-discovery, this debut novel offers a compelling narrative set in 1938 on a remote Welsh island. The story is catalyzed by the arrival of a dead whale, a powerful symbol that sets the stage for the characters’ journeys.
The story revolves around Manod, a young woman who has spent her entire life on the island. Despite their island home’s harsh yet stunning surroundings, Manod yearns to explore life beyond it, a desire that will resonate with many readers.
As two English ethnographers arrive to study the island’s culture, Manod sees it as a potential escape from her community. However, her growing involvement with them triggers a profound internal conflict. She grapples with the dilemma of pursuing her desires or remaining loyal to her community. This struggle resonates with the universal human experience, making it a compelling read for many.
‘Whale Fall‘ vividly portrays the tensions that surface when one person’s aspirations threaten the unity of a community. O’Connor’s narrative skillfully depicts the community and Manod on the brink, forced to confront a world that seems to infringe upon them. This evokes a sense of admiration for O’Connor’s storytelling prowess, making it a must-read for literary fiction enthusiasts.
by Audrey Niffenegger
My wife had asked me to read – The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger – on several occasions. When we first met, we both liked to read fiction and non-fiction. As we aged, I focused almost exclusively on non-fiction, and she focused on fiction. Since her passing, I have started reading more of both genres. We could now have a book club!
Both Jan and I have always enjoyed books and movies about time travel. If I could travel back in time, there are tens of thousands of days I would love to spend with her again. But time travel is not possible. Or is it? Her spirit returns to me whenever I am paralyzed and encourages me to dust myself off and keep going. Maybe one day we will time travel together!
I enjoyed reading this book, even if it was difficult to keep track of the periods. It is very much the type of time-traveling book that both of us would have liked to read, and it has helped me to imagine a world in which Jan and I will meet again.
But what if it is not time travel as imagined by H. G. Wells. As the Hasidic story foretold, God split our souls at birth and placed one part of my soul in her body and placed the rest into my body. Very few people are lucky enough to find the person who has the other half of their soul, and Jan and I did.
When my life ends, what if God takes a portion of our two souls and places them into new bodies. Each of their souls would include a part of each of us. Those two new people would have to find each other in the future to connect as we did. They might not see each other and forever hunger for true love. Whatever happened, they would not know that they once were very much in love.
