Today, I commenced reading The Quiet Tenant by Clémence Michallon. It is not my typical genre, as it is a pulse-pounding psychological thriller about a serial killer narrated by those closest to him: his 13-year-old daughter, his girlfriend—and the one victim he has spared.
Stream of Consciousness!
My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.
My Chrysalis Moment
Finding Meaning After Loss
Reflecting on the past can sometimes perplex us, struggling to comprehend what happened and why. The initial months of 2019 were a trying time for me when I relinquished full-time work and found myself at a loss for purpose. My wife’s lymphoma diagnosis necessitated my role as a full-time caregiver, and I embraced my newfound responsibilities with empathy and devotion. Four and a half years later, I must face the significant questions I had set aside to tend to my wife. However, the experience of caring for her and eventually becoming a widow has fortified me, making me feel more confident and capable of tackling these challenges head-on.
When I retired, I struggled with the same questions I faced after my wife passed – who am I, what do I want, and what should I do next? However, my experience as a caregiver provided me with valuable insights and answers. Rabbi Renee taught me the importance of giving love away, a critical lesson that helped me better understand myself and my desires. As a result, I am confident about moving forward.
I share her love to preserve my wife’s memory and legacy, inspired by Merrit Malloy’s Epitaph poem, which was read at both her and my funeral.
Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.
I share her love to avoid living in grief. Not because I no longer love her but because I love her more than ever. Sharing her love made me stronger.
After finding meaning after loss, I discovered purpose in life by responding to opportunities. For instance, I became a facilitator for a grief group on the brink of disbanding, rekindled old friendships and forged new ones, joined the Bridges Board of Trustees, improved my writing skills, and took longer walks than I ever imagined.
I am determined to progress toward my goals and am one step closer daily. My confidence comes from a solid foundation; I know I can achieve anything when I set my mind to my Northstar. Even though I am already content with the love and experiences in my life, finding a special someone to share it all with would be a fantastic bonus. Like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis, I am ready to break free and soar towards my dreams.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Study for Obedience
Today I began reading "Study for Obedience" by Sarah Bernstein. With a robust and lyrical voice, Bernstein thoughtfully examines themes of complicity, power, displacement, and inheritance. "Study for Obedience" is a finely-tuned and unsettling novel that establishes Bernstein as one of the most exciting voices of her generation.
The Invisible Hour: A Novel
Today I started reading The Invisible Hour by Alice Hoffman. It's a story about love, heartbreak, self-discovery, and the magic of books. The Invisible Hour is the story of one woman's dream. For a little while, it came true. Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote: "A single dream is more powerful than a thousand realities."
Bridges’ Streets to Homes 5K Run/Walk
Let's End Homelessness Now!
I’m thrilled to participate in Bridges’ Streets to Homes 5K Run/Walk 2023 event on September 30th, and I would appreciate your support in helping me reach my fundraising goal. Please donate to help me achieve my goal! I will match dollar for dollar all donations!
Bridges is doing fantastic work tackling homelessness in Essex and Union Counties. They are helping more people find their way out of homelessness each year and preventing a record number of people from becoming homeless in the first place. As someone passionate about this cause, I am a proud member of the Bridges board of trustees and assist in fulfilling its mission to end homelessness in our communities.
I sincerely hope you will join me in supporting this vital cause. Together, we can make a real difference and help end homelessness for good.
Thank you for your time and generosity.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
I Choose to Live Fully
Choosing Life so My Children and Grandchildren Can Live!
Regardless of life’s challenges, we have choices about how we live. In the fall of 2019, my wife was diagnosed with an aggressive but treatable lymphoma by Dr. Saksena. Despite a life in which she and I faced many obstacles, this was the biggest she had ever encountered.
After receiving the diagnosis, we attended Yom Kippur evening, morning, and afternoon services the next day. In the afternoon, we found seats on the right side near the bema in a less crowded sanctuary. Rabbi Renee Edelman read “Therefore Choose Life” based on Deuteronomy 30:19.
Today, I have given you a choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. You would choose life so that you and your descendants might live!”
Jan squeezed my hand tightly, causing me to worry about my blood circulation. She turned to me and whispered, “I choose life.”
As I prepare to attend the High Holiday services for the third time since my loved one passed away, I reflect on my choice to live. It is a simple choice but one that carries great significance. I choose life so that future generations may also have the opportunity to live and thrive. I refuse to be consumed by death and negativity. Instead, I strive to make the most of the life I have been given. My mantra is always to be kind, to lend my strength to others, and to never dwell on weakness. I choose, now and daily, to live with purpose and intention.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Tom Lake: A Novel
Today, I began reading Tom Lake by Ann Patchett. The novel beautifully explores family, love, and growing up. Patchett once again proves herself as one of America's finest writers. Both hopeful and mournful, it explores happiness even when the world falls apart.