Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Bridges' Streets to Homes 5K Run/Walk 2023

Bridges’ Streets to Homes 5K Run/Walk

Let's End Homelessness Now!

I’m thrilled to participate in Bridges’ Streets to Homes 5K Run/Walk 2023 event on September 30th, and I would appreciate your support in helping me reach my fundraising goal. Please donate to help me achieve my goal! I will match dollar for dollar all donations!

Bridges is doing fantastic work tackling homelessness in Essex and Union Counties. They are helping more people find their way out of homelessness each year and preventing a record number of people from becoming homeless in the first place. As someone passionate about this cause, I am a proud member of the Bridges board of trustees and assist in fulfilling its mission to end homelessness in our communities.

Donate I sincerely hope you will join me in supporting this vital cause. Together, we can make a real difference and help end homelessness for good.

Thank you for your time and generosity.

Donate to the Bridges’ Streets to Homes 5K Run/Walk 2023
 


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Bridges Street to Homes 5K

On the eve of a sweet new year, I walked five kilometers to help Bridges' mission of Demanding Change, Ending Homelessness. I walk for serenity and exercise, but on mornings like today, I walked to help Bridges End Homelessness.

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I Choose to Live Fully

I Choose to Live Fully

Choosing Life so My Children and Grandchildren Can Live!

I Choose to Live Fully

Regardless of life’s challenges, we have choices about how we live. In the fall of 2019, my wife was diagnosed with an aggressive but treatable lymphoma by Dr. Saksena. Despite a life in which she and I faced many obstacles, this was the biggest she had ever encountered.

After receiving the diagnosis, we attended Yom Kippur evening, morning, and afternoon services the next day. In the afternoon, we found seats on the right side near the bema in a less crowded sanctuary. Rabbi Renee Edelman read “Therefore Choose Life” based on Deuteronomy 30:19.

Today, I have given you a choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. You would choose life so that you and your descendants might live!”

Jan squeezed my hand tightly, causing me to worry about my blood circulation. She turned to me and whispered, “I choose life.”

As I prepare to attend the High Holiday services for the third time since my loved one passed away, I reflect on my choice to live. It is a simple choice but one that carries great significance. I choose life so that future generations may also have the opportunity to live and thrive. I refuse to be consumed by death and negativity. Instead, I strive to make the most of the life I have been given. My mantra is always to be kind, to lend my strength to others, and to never dwell on weakness. I choose, now and daily, to live with purpose and intention.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Love Guides Me Into the Future

The ink-dark portions of the pond were impenetrable and reflected nothing of my world. I feared that if I stepped into that portion, I would disappear. However, the transparent part of the pond reminded me that the water was so shallow it would only reach my mid-calf. Despite being wet, I could walk forward unimpeded and knew I could not drown.

The sound of the frogs wakes me from my rest. The sun's warmth invites me to venture forth, and I stroll past the pond to the path around the sports field. As a widow, the darkest fears of my life recede as I proceed toward the park's comfort facilities. I will always confidently move forward, trusting in love to guide me. I aim to share my passion, embrace life's challenges and joys, and live fully.

Bravely Facing the Unknowable Future

Bravely Facing the Unknowable Future

My Wfe's Love Makes It Possible for Me to Live Fully

Bravely Facing the Unknowable Future

Nicky and Wes

Although the distance from my car to my wife’s grave is short, the heat and humidity drain my energy, making me sweat like sitting in a sauna. While in her memorial garden, I feel her presence, as her love is free and tranquilizes the air. However, it is only at Beth Israel Cemetery that we can communicate.

Forty-eight years ago, we exchanged handwritten vows on the rabbi’s terrace overlooking Central Park. Today, there are no vows to make, but updates on how I am doing 27 months after the funeral.

I placed eight small stones on her monument and laid flowers at her gravesite. Glancing around to ensure we were alone, I chuckled. Wasn’t a cemetery where people went to speak to the departed? My love,” I began, as always. But the words stuck in my throat, so I sipped water from my flask to get the words flowing.

I remind my wife that I struggled to function normally after her funeral. Last year, things improved when your memorial garden was dedicated, and I made new friends. Although I appeared fine on my daily walks, each step felt shaky, like standing on eggshells.

I sip cold water before speaking, “Today, I tell you I have turned a corner. I was optimistic, but now I have found a way to live fully. I have more friends, walk further, read more, help others, and laugh more than I weep. I am doing OK!”

I pace in a circle, attempting to gather my thoughts like pollen floating in the air. My dear, although love is a timeless emotion, I have realized that dwelling on the past will not help me move forward and lead a satisfying life. I have replaced the images from your photograph with those of our two grandchildren on my devices. Yes, Wes is our new grandchild. His smile is as magnetic as yours!” I pause and take a deep breath. It was difficult to change the images. I kept feeling like I was discarding you. Change has never been easy for me, and I wept each time I swapped the photos. But please understand, my dear, this shift signifies I am facing forward. I can only do this because of your love. Without it, I could not step into the unknowable future.”

After bidding farewell to my loved one, I wiped my face with my handkerchief, soaked in tears and sweat. As I approached my car, I finally turned around to express my love. When I sat in the driver’s seat, I noticed that my iPhone and Apple Watch displayed my wife’s photo instead of my grandchildren’s. Although I had changed the images before, I only briefly dwelled on the change.

However, I realized I was prepared, enthusiastic, and capable of facing any obstacle. As the engine roared, I ventured out of the cemetery into a future that intimidated and exhilarated me. Upon arriving home, I noticed that my iPhone and Apple Watch now displayed my grandchildren’s photos. It felt like a sign from my wife’s spirit, sending me a message to embrace the future.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Love Guides Me Into the Future

The ink-dark portions of the pond were impenetrable and reflected nothing of my world. I feared that if I stepped into that portion, I would disappear. However, the transparent part of the pond reminded me that the water was so shallow it would only reach my mid-calf. Despite being wet, I could walk forward unimpeded and knew I could not drown.

The sound of the frogs wakes me from my rest. The sun's warmth invites me to venture forth, and I stroll past the pond to the path around the sports field. As a widow, the darkest fears of my life recede as I proceed toward the park's comfort facilities. I will always confidently move forward, trusting in love to guide me. I aim to share my passion, embrace life's challenges and joys, and live fully.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

The Invisible Hour: A Novel

Read: August 2023

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The Invisible Hour: A Novel

by Alice Hoffman

Today I started reading The Invisible Hour by Alice Hoffman. It’s a story about love, heartbreak, self-discovery, and the magic of books. The Invisible Hour is the story of one woman’s dream. For a little while, it came true. Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote: “A single dream is more powerful than a thousand realities.

Mia Jacob finds hope in the power of words on a brilliant June day. She reads The Scarlet Letter, a novel written almost two hundred years earlier, which mirrors her life. Mia and her mother, Ivy, live inside an oppressive cult in western Massachusetts called the Community, where contact with the outside world is forbidden, and books are considered evil. Nathaniel Hawthorne’s words perfectly capture the pain and loss that Mia carries inside her.

As Mia journeys through heartbreak and time, she breaks free from the rules of her Community. Along the way, she discovers the power of reading to transport and connect people, the fluidity of time, and the strength of love to overcome any obstacle.

As a young girl, Mia fell in love with a book. Now as a woman, she falls for a writer as she travels back in time. But what if Nathaniel Hawthorne never wrote “The Scarlet Letter”? What if Mia never found the book on the day she planned to end her life?


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Bridges' Streets to Homes 5K Run/Walk 2023
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I Choose to Live Fully
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Tom Lake

Read: August 2023

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Tom Lake: A Novel

by Ann Patchett

Today, I began reading Tom Lake by Ann Patchett. The novel beautifully explores family, love, and growing up. Patchett once again proves herself as one of America’s finest writers. Both hopeful and mournful, it explores happiness even when the world falls apart.

The story follows Lara’s three daughters, who return to the family’s orchard in Northern Michigan in the spring of 2020. While picking cherries, they ask their mother about Peter Duke, a famous actor with whom she had a romance years before at a theater company called Tom Lake.

As Lara reminisces, her daughters are confronted with their own lives and relationships with their mothers, leading them to reevaluate everything they thought they knew. With its hopeful and mournful tone, the novel is a testament to the transformative power of understanding what happiness truly means, even amid chaos. Patchett’s compelling narrative artistry and profound insights into family dynamics weave a rich and luminous story, showcasing why she is one of our time’s most revered and acclaimed literary talents.

I have also read Patchett’s Bel Canto, a compelling tale that explores themes of strength, vulnerability, love, and confinement. It ultimately tells an inspiring story of transcendent romance.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Bravely Facing the Unknowable Future
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Blue Skies: A Novel

Read: August 2023

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Blue Skies: A Novel

by T. C. Boyle

I started reading Blue Skies: A Novel by T. C. Boyle today. The book is an eco-thriller with comedic elements. It explores the relationships between humans and their habitats in a world where natural disasters frequently occur, where “the only truism seems to be that things always get worse.”

Denied a dog, a baby, and even a faithful fiancé, Cat suddenly craves a snake: a glistening, writhing creature that can be worn like “jewelry, living jewelry” to match her black jeans. But when the budding social media star promptly loses the young “Burmie” she buys from a local pet store, she inadvertently sets a chain of increasingly dire and outrageous events threatening her survival.

Blue Skies follows the tradition of T. C. Boyle’s finest novels, combining high-octane plotting with biting wit and intelligent social commentary. Here Boyle, one of the most inventive voices in contemporary fiction, transports us to water-logged and heat-ravaged coastal America, where Cat and her hapless, nature-loving family—including her eco-warrior parents, Ottilie and Frank; her brother, Cooper, an entomologist; and her frat-boy-turned-husband, Todd—are struggling to adapt to the “new normal,” in which once-in-a-lifetime natural disasters happen once a week and drinking seems to be the only way to cope.

But there’s more than meets the eye to this compulsive family drama. Lurking beneath the bland façade of twenty-first-century Californians and Floridians attempting to preserve normalcy in the face of violent weather perturbations is a caricature of materialist American society that doubles as a prophetic warning about our planet’s future. Blue Skies deftly explores the often volatile relationships between humans and their habitats, from pet bees and cricket-dependent diets to massive species die-offs and pummeling hurricanes, in which “the only truism seems to be that things always get worse.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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How to Love Your Daughter

Read: August 2023

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How to Love Your Daughter

by Hila Blum

I started reading a novel called “How to Love Your Daughter,” written by Hila Blum and translated by Daniella Zamir today. The book explores a complicated relationship between a mother and her grown daughter. It raises the question of how much harm we can do to our loved ones when love blinds us.

The story takes place thousands of miles away from home, where a woman finds herself peeking through well-lit windows at her two granddaughters. She has never met them before, as they are the daughters of her estranged daughter, whom she hasn’t seen in years.

The book’s central theme revolves around the woman’s attempt to understand how a once-loving relationship between her and her daughter ended up in such a distant and unfathomable state. The story shifts past and present as the woman unravels her memories and long-buried emotions. She tries to make sense of the seemingly insignificant moments of parental care that, combined, may have undermined what she valued most.

The author, Blum, skillfully delves into the complexities of family life, where a parent can easily cross the line between protectiveness and possession without even realizing it. The story leaves us wondering whether it’s possible ever to find our way back from such a point.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Checkout 19: A Novel

Read: December 2022

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Checkout 19: A Novel

by Claire-Louise Bennett

Checkout 19: A Novel by Claire-Louise Bennett, a New York Times Best Ten Best Books of 2022; the newspaper highlights the novel’s “unusual setting: the human mind — a brilliant, surprising, weird and very funny one. All the words one might use to describe this book — experimental, autofictional, surrealist — fail to convey the sheer pleasure of ‘Checkout 19.'” I fully agree with this description and found myself living in my mind.

Since Jan died in May of 2021, I have found myself with no one to talk to about the day-to-day events that consume so much of our lives. Checkout 19: A Novel reminded me that I have only been carrying those intimate conversations in my mind. Is it surreal? Yes. Yes, it is. Reading this novel helped me to accept the importance of those conversations. The new characters and scenarios I conjure are less creative than Ms. Claire-Louise Bennett’s

Goodreads describes Checkout 19: A Novel as the adventures of a young woman discovering her genius through the people she meets–and dreams up–along the way. Checkout 19 is a radical affirmation of the power of the imagination, and the magic escapes those who master it open to us all.

I recommend this book.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

In a working-class town in a county west of London, a schoolgirl scribbles stories in the back pages of her exercise book, intoxicated by the first sparks of her imagination. As she grows, everything and everyone she encounters become fuel for a burning talent. The large Russian man in the ancient maroon car who careens around the grocery store where she works as a checkout clerk, and slips her a copy of Beyond Good and Evil. The growing heaps of other books in which she loses-and finds-herself. Even the derailing of a friendship, in a devastating violation. The thrill of learning to conjure characters and scenarios in her head is matched by the exhilaration of forging her own way in the world, the two kinds of ingenuity kindling to a brilliant conflagration.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Ripe: A Novel

Read: July 2023

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Ripe: A Novel by Sarah Rose Etter

by Sarah Rose Etter

I started reading “Ripe: A Novel” by Sarah Rose Etter today. This book has won awards and is highly praised by Roxane Gay for its uniqueness and brilliance. It tells the story of a woman in Silicon Valley who must choose how much she will sacrifice for success. Fans of “My Year of Rest and Relaxation” and “Her Body and Other Parties” will enjoy this surreal tale.

Cassie has worked at a Silicon Valley start-up for a year but feels stuck in a corporate nightmare. The long hours, toxic bosses, and unethical projects are taking a toll on her. She has a hard time reconciling the stark contrast between the abundance of wealth and the poverty and suffering that exist side by side in the city. Cassie observes Ivy League graduates complaining about snack options in a conference room overlooking unhoused people bathing in the bay. She’s witnessed start-up burnouts who throw themselves in front of commuter trains and men who light themselves on fire in the streets.

Even though Cassie is often by herself, she never feels entirely alone. Since she can remember, she has had a tiny black hole that is always with her. This black hole feeds off her feelings of sadness and worry, getting bigger or smaller depending on how much she struggles. While it watches her, it also waits patiently. Its powerful force keeps pulling Cassie closer as everything in her life seems to fall apart.

Cassie finds herself pregnant unexpectedly while dealing with her CEO’s illegal demands. She must weigh the benefits of Silicon Valley against the risks. Ripe follows the journey of one millennial woman through the absurdities of modern life, offering a sharp yet vulnerable, unsettling yet darkly comic commentary on our late-capitalist hellscape.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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The Midnight Bargain

Read: February 2022

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The Midnight Bargain

by C.L. Polk

The Midnight Bargain by C.L. Polk is about Beatrice Clayborn, a sorceress, who was the next book to read. She practices magic in secret, terrified of being locked into a marital collar that will cut off her powers to protect her unborn children. She dreams of becoming a full-fledged Magus and pursuing magic as her calling as men do. Still, her family has staked everything to equip her for Bargaining Season, when young men and women of means descend upon the city to negotiate the best marriages. The Clayborn’s are in severe debt, and only she can save them by securing a good match before their creditors call.

In a stroke of luck, Beatrice finds a grimoire that contains the key to becoming a Magus, but before she can purchase it, a rival sorceress swindles the book right out of her hands. Beatrice summons a spirit to help her get it back, but her new ally exacts a price: Beatrice’s first kiss . . . with her adversary’s brother, the handsome, compassionate, and fabulously wealthy Ianthe Lavan.

The more Beatrice is entangled with the Lavan siblings, the harder her decision becomes: If she casts the spell to become a Magus, she will devastate her family and lose the only man to ever see her for who she is, but if she marries—even for love—she will sacrifice her magic, her identity, and her dreams. But how can she choose just one, knowing she will forever regret the path not taken?

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Aftermirth

Read: August 2022

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Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan

by Hillary Jordan

Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan is a book about grief as the two protagonists take a road trip that is a darkly funny journey of healing that takes them deep into the heart of their suffering and others, and then beyond it, to a place of peace and laughter. I had just finished reading When She Woke by Ms. Jordan and having enjoyed that book, reading a second one by the same author seemed reasonable.

When I selected this short novel to read, I questioned if it was a good choice for me.

I found it easier to read and, in some ways, helpful. It was like meeting fellow widows from my Zoom grief groups in person at Camp Widow. The ability to laugh about our loss and cry openly is essential to meeting fellow benefits.

Michael Larssen, the narrator, raised a question I have not and still do not want to consider. What if I am still alive, Jan was a great love but is not the love of my life?

“You can’t know that he was the love of your life, and do you know why? Because guess what, you aren’t dead yet. You may feel dead right now, and believe me I’ve been there, but the fact is, until you’re lying under a tombstone of your own you can’t be sure about anything. You could prick your finger on one of your roses tomorrow, and as you’re climbing the stairs to get a Band-Aid, you trip over one of the pugs and tumble to your death. Or you could meet a man in the checkout line at the grocery store–hell, you could meet a woman even and fall madly in love with her and end up with six kids and twenty grandkids. Michael looks over at Elena, then back at George. You just don’t know, George. That’s the thing. None of us does.”— Aftermirth (Kindle Single) by Hillary Jordan

Despite my anxiety about considering this disturbing question, I highly recommend Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

I stopped being funny the day my wife was electrocuted by her underwire bra.” So begins “Aftermirth,” a dark comedy that explores the absurdity of death through the eyes of thirty-one-year-old comedian, writer, and actor Michael Larssen. What is funny to the rest of the world is devastating to Michael, who loves his wife deeply, exceptionally her bright, rippling, abandoned laughter, which captivated him from the first time he heard it. In the aftermath of her death, he loses his sense of humor and his career.

Then, after two years of mourning her, he sees an article in the paper about a factory worker named Julio Santiago who fell into a giant vat of dough and was kneaded to death. For reasons Michael doesn’t understand, he decides to go to the man’s wake. There he meets and bonds with Julio’s twenty-nine-year-old daughter Elena, a law student who is reeling from her father’s unexpected and preposterous death.

Three months later, she calls him out of the blue and suggests that the two of them drive to North Carolina to speak with another survivor like themselves Elena has found on the Internet. Their road trip is a darkly funny journey of healing that takes them deep into the heart of their grief and others and then beyond it to a place of peace and laughter.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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1944: FDR and the Year That Changed History

Read: October 2019

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1944: FDR and the Year That Changed History

by Jay Winik

1944: FDR and the Year That Changed History by Jay Winik is a book that I had put off reading several times. When I finally did read it, I could not remember why I had not read it sooner. Had I gone to graduate school and become a professor, it might have been the type of book I might write, and I certainly would have had on my list of books for my classes. 

As The NY Times wrote, “Jay Winik brings to life in gripping detail the year 1944, which determined the outcome of World War II and put more pressure than any other on an ailing yet determined President Roosevelt.” Reading a book about events five years before my birth that transformed the world I live in becomes an easy page-turner.

It was not inevitable that World War II would end as it did or that it would even end well. Nineteen forty-four was a year that could have stymied the Allies and cemented Hitler’s waning power. Instead it saved those democracies – but with a fateful cost. Now, in a superbly told story, Jay Winik, the acclaimed author of April 1865 and The Great Upheaval, captures the epic images and extraordinary history as never before.

1944 witnessed a series of titanic events: FDR at the pinnacle of his wartime leadership as well as his reelection, the planning of Operation Overlord with Churchill and Stalin, the unprecedented D-Day invasion, the liberation of Paris, and the horrific Battle of the Bulge, and the tumultuous conferences that finally shaped the coming peace. But on the way, millions of more lives were still at stake as President Roosevelt was exposed to mounting evidence of the most grotesque crime in history, the Final Solution. Just as the Allies were landing in Normandy, the Nazis were accelerating the killing of millions of European Jews.

Winik shows how escalating pressures fell on an all but dying Roosevelt, whose rapidly deteriorating health was a closely guarded secret. Here then, as with D-Day, was a momentous decision for the president. Was winning the war the best way to rescue the Jews? Was a rescue even possible? Or would it get in the way of defeating Hitler? In a year when even the most audacious undertakings were within the world’s reach, including the liberation of Europe, one challenge – saving Europe’s Jews – seemed to remain beyond Roosevelt’s grasp.

I recommend this book.

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Impossible to Forget

Read: January 2022

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Impossible to Forget

by Imogen Clark

Impossible to Forget by Imogen Clark is a poignant novel from the bestselling author of Where the Story Starts, an extraordinary final wish that brings five lives together forever.

Just turned eighteen, Romany is on the cusp of taking her first steps into adulthood when tragedy strikes, and she finds herself suddenly alone without her mother, Angie, the only parent she has ever known. In her final letter, Angie has charged her four closest friends with guiding Romany through her last year of school—but is there an ulterior motive to her unusual dying wish?

When I started reading the book’s initial chapters on Amazon, I found myself in an unexpected page-turner. I had been looking for a relaxing read and instead found a novel that is truly impossible to forget.

The book’s premise that a mother would assign her four closest friends to shared guardianship of her daughter is an unusual answer to a question that Jan and I often debated. Who would we designate to raise our children if something had happened to us? If only we could have had the imagination of Angie and her belief that this strange arrangement would be the answer.

Three of the friends were ones that Angie met at University.

  • Maggie, an attorney, is designated to focus on the tasks that need order.
  • Leon is given the culture assignment, although he has denied his talents.
  • Tiger, a nomad, is in charge of travel.

The fourth guardian, Hope, a former model, is in charge of relationships. But none of the others know her or why Angie would assign her that portfolio.

I very much enjoyed reading this novel. However, despite knowing it is about Angie’s death, I did not expect to find myself weeping uncontrollably in the closing chapters as Romany grapples with the beneficial outcomes of her mum’s plans.

Goodreads provides this overview.

As the guardians reflect on their friendship with Angie, it becomes apparent that this unusual arrangement is as much about them as it is about Romany. Navigating their grief individually and as a group, what will all five of them learn about themselves, their pasts—and the woman who’s brought them all together?

I recommend this book without reservation.

Impossible to Forget is the second time I have gotten a book from Amazon First Reads. Impossible to Forget is not scheduled to be published until February 1, 2022.

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