Love Generates Quasi-buried Treasures

I Am Married and Still in Love With Jan

Jan in Nova Scotia

This morning, I woke up to my Apple Watch alarm and noticed Jan was sleeping with her head on my shoulder. To avoid disturbing her, I hit snooze and attempted to get out of bed quietly. However, Jan asked me to delay my morning walk to snuggle more. Although I had a daily routine to adhere to, I also wanted to spend some time with Jan. We agreed I would take a short walk while she rested. As I left, Jan held my hand and placed it on her left breast, asking if I truly wanted to go. After some thought, I decided to skip my walk and cuddle with her instead. This was a moment I had eagerly anticipated since we first met, but balancing our individual needs required effort.

When I woke up, I held one of Jan’s pillows. Looking at  Jan’s photo and the Peace Lilly brought mixed emotions to me. It made me feel guilty about my strange dream and reminded me of how much I love her. These thoughts seemed to come from our past and were buried deep in my subconscious. After picking up a glass of orange juice, I checked in with Siri for my daily briefing as part of my morning routine.

I took a quick trip to the bathroom while I toasted my English muffin. Surprisingly, I saw myself in the mirror and noticed I looked older. After breakfast, I headed to my bedroom to grab my walking shirt. I briefly imagined you lying naked on the comforter as I glanced at the bed. However, upon closer inspection, I realized that the pillow I had held all night was twisted and shaped to resemble a torso. In my half-asleep state, I had mistaken it for you.

During my morning walk, I reflected on the intensity of my dream and how our love deepened over time. Lorrie Moore’s quote, “Love was its little generator of quasi-buried treasure,” filled me with happiness. I felt like expressing my love for you loudly and publicly, like shouting it from the rooftops!

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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What is the Meaning of Life?

Walking and Talking in the Morning

(L to R.) Richard J. Uniacke, President of Bridges, Alison Bryant, Secretary, and me.

Today, I woke up earlier than usual but felt congested due to hay fever. Despite my desire to sleep more, I resisted and got up when my alarm went off at 5:30. As I left my apartment, I ran into Jim outside of The Gourmet Deli. We exchanged a few words as we do every day.

During a conversation with Jim, he asked me a question I have debated since Jan’s passing: life’s meaning. Although Jim had to attend Catholic morning mass at St. Michael’s soon, I decided to share an answer with him. Instead of delving into the details of the insights I gained from books or conversations with Rabbi Renee, I quoted Charlie Padavano, a character in Hello Beautiful, who gave a similar answer to his daughter Sylvie. He said, “We’re all interconnected and separated from the world by our own edges. Seeing this interconnection reveals the beauty of life.”

After sharing the meaningful quote, Jim and I parted ways at the intersection of Miln and Alden with a cheerful farewell. Despite the humid weather, I felt a sense of light as I turned left and walked away. With Jan by my side, I discovered a new way to cope with my grief that didn’t involve finding a new partner. Instead, I found fulfillment through volunteering, serving on the Board of Trustees of Bridges, making new connections, and actively participating in my faith community’s social action committee. By helping others, I have found purpose and meaning in my life.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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New Book: A Line in the Sand

Jan’s Love Keeps Me from Wallowing!

Jan Believes in Me and Pushes Me to Move Foward!

Jon, Jan, and Mike

The gentle rain outside and the distant sound of thunder make me reflect on Jan’s love and how it inspires me to live, learn, and participate in life. Recently, I read Lorrie Moore‘s book, “I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home,” and it has been on my mind ever since. I feel interconnected to the main character, Finn, who once said, “Loss of the heart kills the brain, he had read. Loss of the brain kills the heart. But only eventually. A million love stories demonstrated it! The heart could go on and on. Love was its own little generator of quasi-buried treasure.” Jan’s love fills me with happiness and helps me to embrace growth and love.

An article in the New York Times written by cultural critic Chris Vognar discusses his experience with grief and how it relates to the FX series ‘The Bear.’ Vognar’s partner, Kate, died from a terminal brain disease that resulted in dementia. The essay offers a reassessment of the grieving process.

He writes,

I got through the worst part of my ordeal, slowly, incrementally, and I have begun now to transcend it. I don’t know if time heals all wounds — I once saw a sign suggesting it actually wounds all heels — but time sure doesn’t stand still. Today, I often picture Kate much as Carmy pictures his brother. She is cheering me on and getting angry with me when I wallow.

Despite Jan’s death from lymphoma, her love for me remains unshaken. Her unwavering dedication motivates me to keep moving forward and never give up, even in sorrow. Although I will always miss her, I know that Jan would want me to find happiness in life and not dwell in sadness. Every day, I take small and big steps towards healing, knowing that it is what Jan would have wished for me.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Jan Was a Messenger from the Most High

Life is a Scrambled Jigsaw Puzzle, But the Journey is Rewarding

Remembering Jan at Camp Widow!

Have you ever experienced the sensation of being lost in life, as if you were trying to solve an intricate puzzle without any clear direction? This is precisely how I felt. It seemed as though I was given a jigsaw puzzle at birth but without a picture to guide me. Some pieces fit together easily, while others appeared misplaced, leaving me feeling disoriented. As I grew older, some parts of the puzzle seemed to change, no longer fit where they were once placed. My life was messy before I met Jan, and I struggled to make things work. While reminiscing about this period in my life, I was reminded of Lawrence Kushner’s touching poem “Jigsaw,” which provided insight into the meaning of life.

But know this. No one has within themselves
All the pieces to their puzzle.
Everyone carries with them at least one and probably
many pieces to someone else’s puzzle.
Sometimes they know it.
Sometimes they don’t.

Meeting Jan, I pondered whether our unfinished puzzles would ever be completed. However, after spending an immense amount of time together, spanned countless hours, days, and weeks, I realized we both shared a common challenge. The pieces missing from my puzzle were the exact ones she possessed, and vice versa. It was only after discovering this crucial detail that everything started to fall into place. Our love felt predestined from the moment we shared our first kiss, and we were confident that we shared one heart and one soul.

As Kushner wrote,

And when you present your piece
to another, whether you know it or not,
whether they know it or not,
you are a messenger from the Most High

As time went by, our workspaces gradually became intertwined. However, we adapted by creating distinct spaces for our children and grandchildren. Unfortunately, when Jan received her lymphoma diagnosis, it fell on me to take care of her and finish the remaining tasks of our shared life’s work.

The day after Jan’s funeral, I woke up to find the jigsaw puzzle shattered into countless fragments, as if a tornado had wreaked havoc on my life. It felt impossible to reassemble the broken pieces. However, with the assistance of my loved ones, friends, and fellow widows, I gradually began to reconstruct my life’s puzzle. It took more than two years to repair the damage and incorporate new pieces as I learned to navigate life without Jan. Her words continue to echo in my mind, reminding me of my strength and ability. Whenever I hear her voice, the most challenging pieces of my life’s puzzle fall into place.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Is Life a Baseball Game?

Lorrie Moore's Metaphor Explains Life as Baseball

On Thursday, I began reading Lorrie Moore‘s “I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home” book. While reading, I came across an interesting observation by one of the characters, Finn, about the connection between baseball and life.

“Yeah, baseball is really the game that tells you what life is going to be: fastballs, errors, wild pitching, clutch hits, strike-outs, not getting to first base, things coming in from left field. Near misses. And that’s just the romance part.”

Ms. Moore has a distinctive and enchanting writing style. She employs clever wordplay, humor, and wisdom to make the story captivating, and her use of a baseball metaphor is an outstanding illustration of this.

I never participated in any organized sports. One time in sixth grade, during an intramural game in Physical Education class, my classmates skipped over me when it was my turn to bat. They knew I couldn’t hit the ball. Despite this, Finn’s observation still resonated with me as a widow.

Baseball presents a unique perspective on life through its many metaphors. The game may end, but there is always another one to look forward to until the season concludes. Even when the season ends, there is always next year, offering us hope and a chance to move forward despite our team’s loss. I find comfort in knowing that Jan’s spirit will guide me into the future and that I can always look forward to tomorrow as a new opportunity.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Jan Accepted Hospice With Grace

Memories of Pain-free Dentistry

Jan and Ana Visit During Hospice

As I sat in the dentist’s chair, waiting for the oral surgeon, I couldn’t help but notice the nitrous oxide dispenser. It had tubes for mixing oxygen with the oxide and was conveniently placed on wheels, making moving closer to the chair easy. I hadn’t seen one of these dispensers in years, and it had been even longer since I had been to a dentist who used it to alleviate pain for their patients.

During the early 1970s, while residing in East Williamsburg, I visited Dr. Lorber’s office on the corner of Maujer Street and Bushwick Avenue, just a block from my workplace. Rumors had circulated that the location was previously a luncheonette that drug dealers from The French Connection used for laundering money. When seeking a dentist, Dr. Lorber was highly recommended, with many mentioning his use of nitrous oxide. There were claims that Dr. Lorber had discovered drugs from the previous occupants and mixed them into the nitrous oxide.

I was skeptical about the effects of nitrous oxide despite its strong reputation. Once, while getting my wisdom tooth extracted by Dr. Lorber, the dental technician put a rubber mask on my face and adjusted the disperser’s knobs. When Dr. Lorber returned and removed the nitrous oxide mask, I thought my tooth had been extracted, so I left the office. However, Dr. Lorber corrected me as I walked down the hallway and instructed me to return to the dentist’s chair.

Jan, the love of my life, selected Dr. Lorber as her dentist because of his reputation for pain-free treatment. Despite suffering from mild dentophobia and avoiding dental appointments for years, Jan felt comfortable with Dr. Lorber. I was relieved we could visit the same dentist for our dental needs.

Despite experiencing a mild aversion to pain, when she received her lymphoma diagnosis, she displayed remarkable resilience in the face of the overwhelming discomfort. Each treatment was approached with a sense of calm and determination, and even upon learning of her hospice care, she remained a profile of courage. Her unwavering strength is a testament to her character. I can only hope to emulate it should I ever find myself in a similarly life-threatening situation without resorting to nitrous oxide to mitigate my anxieties.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.