My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.
Today, I started reading Lorrie Moore's latest novel; I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home. It's her first book since A Gate at the Stairs, and it's a bold and contemplative exploration of love, death, passion, and grief. Moore examines what it means to be haunted by the past in terms of history and the human heart.
Shadow of a Face in Harriet Tubman Square
On Monday, I attended the Juneteenth celebrations in downtown Newark and had a wonderful time. Our day began at Harriet Tubman Square, where we paid tribute to her contribution to the Black Liberation Movement’s history in the area and the Underground Railroad. We also saw the newly installed monument, “Shadow of a Face,” which replaced the Columbus statue. The monument’s name, inspired by Robert Hayden’s poem “Runagate Runagate,” is a tribute to Tubman.
After participating in singing and poetry activities, we marched through Newark and reached the NJ Performing Arts Center. We had an informative discussion about “Slavery’s Impact on the Black Experience in New Jersey.” It was a valuable learning experience, and I better understood the hidden histories that deserve more recognition. I have also shared two brief videos in this post that further explore the lasting impact of slavery. I was fascinated to learn that New Jersey was the last state to abolish slavery, and Queen Anne brought it to the state.
Overall, I am grateful for the opportunity to celebrate Juneteenth and look forward to next year’s festivities. Although Jan couldn’t join me physically, her spirit was with me. She would have joined me in wondering how long we must wait to see Harriet Tubman’s face on the US $20 bill. It’s long overdue!
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Day of Action On Climate Crisis
I recently attended the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism's Day of Action on the Washington climate emergency as a Temple Sha'arey Shalom representative. This was my first advocacy trip in almost five years, during which I advocated for funding for affordable housing for people with disabilities and people experiencing homelessness. This time, I was advocating for climate action as part of the Power for Purpose campaign of the Reform Movement. I had the opportunity to meet with staff from Senator Cory Booker and Congressman Chris Smith and later with Congressmen Donald Payne, Jr. via Zoom.
During the event, two speakers challenged us to think differently about the work we need to do. LaTosha Brown, Co-founder of the Black Voters Matter Fund and the Black Voters Capacity Building Institute encouraged us to levitate above public conversations that do not focus on solving problems and see the big picture. Reverend Senator Raphael Warnock from Georgia challenged us to view our work as an effort to redeem the soul of America, which the rise of antisemitism, racism, sexism, and other forms of hatred has damaged.
Where We Live Shapes Who We Are!
Growing up, I realized the importance of having a place to call home. My family lived in the same house when I was a child. Although we briefly lived in another home for two years while saving to buy our permanent residence, I was too young to remember that house. After completing my studies at university, my parents relocated multiple times to find the most suitable place for their retirement.
Dedicated to helping others achieve their dream of owning a home, I have contributed to constructing and strengthening communities throughout my career. However, I’ve also lived a nomadic lifestyle, moving from place to place until I became a widow and realized the significance of location and our responsibilities to each other.
As a widow, I’ve discovered that my place of residence has become essential in managing my grief. I’ve actively enhanced my community as a tribute to my late partner, Jan’s love. Volunteering and making new friends have made me a vital part of a thriving community. Our place of residence shapes who we are and how we live, and I’m becoming stronger one day at a time, with my grief gradually fading away.
While no place is perfect, we must work together to improve our homes for future generations. The opening night performance of Eisenhower: This Piece of Ground reminded me of the work we must do to leave our homes in better condition for those who will call it their own.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Discovering Life’s Secret Sauce
Jan requested that I prepare Matzoh Brie for her in her final days. I was unfamiliar with the recipe, but Jan kindly wrote it down. Following my grandmother's advice, I added a generous amount of love while preparing it. This addition made the Matzoh Brie exceptional, and Jan couldn't stop complimenting it as the most delicious meal she had ever eaten..
Even after Jan's death, her love continues to inspire me. I can overcome challenges with confidence and grace by following her passion for life and infusing everything I do with her love.
I've begun reading Berlin: A Novel by Bea Setton. After finishing Kairos, a book set in a divided Berlin, Setton's debut novel is witty and insightful, with a young woman battling a sense of emptiness who moves to Berlin for a fresh start. However, things go differently than planned.
My Interconnected Worlds Grow Stronger!
I was checking the NJ Transit board for train schedules when I stumbled upon a rare one-seat ride to Cranford. My friend, Arnold’s train, was leaving earlier, so we agreed to stay in touch. As he headed towards his platform, I thanked him for inviting me to see “Eisenhower: This Piece of Ground.”
During the Raritan Valley train ride, I suddenly realized my throat was parched. Unfortunately, it was too late to get off and buy a water bottle. When I arrived, I focused on rushing home to quench my thirst. While crossing North Avenue, I heard someone call my name. It was Chris with his brother, Billy, and a couple sitting outside Ambelis. Chris asked if I knew Molly and Adam, but I replied negatively, and he introduced me.
After exchanging pleasantries, Chris revealed that Molly and Adam were getting married. I congratulated them and showed them my ring finger, saying, “I am still married!” Chris asked me how long it had been since my wife, Jan, had passed away. I told him it had been 25 months.
Chris and Billy fondly remembered how Jan and I loved each other and how I still loved and honored her. I chimed in, saying that love never dies. Molly, an actor, and a florist, commented on how wonderful it is to see that love can be so strong that it survives a partner’s death. Billy added that he and his brother admired me because not many couples can love as fully as Jan and I did.
After hugging everyone, I thanked Chris for warmly welcoming Patty and Jan when I introduced them to him on Sunday. He reminded me that his friends were my friends, and we went our separate ways. In that brief and unexpected encounter, four of my worlds came together, reminding me of my community mesh network and how it had helped me navigate my grief.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Community Engagement Makes Me Stronger Than Grief
I came across an enlightening essay by Brad Stulberg in The New York Times that helped me articulate my thoughts. Stulberg emphasized the significance of being connected to others within a community and how we are stronger when we are together. This is a belief that I have always held and advocated for.
In his essay, Stulberg shares a quote from Ram Dass: "We're all just walking each other home." This quote struck a chord because it made me realize that I'm not alone on my journey - I have Jan and a supportive community by my side. Being a part of a community has always been important to Jan and me. We've worked hard to create and revitalize physical and virtual neighborhoods. Even though Jan is no longer with me, I'm still involved in multiple communities and find comfort in the sense of togetherness they provide.
All We Need Are Freinds
Sometimes, days can be dull and unmemorable, but every once in a while, life surprises us with a day we will never forget. Last Sunday, Patty and Jan, two friends from my Saturday Chosen Family Grief Group, visited me, even though the NJ Transit bus driver was lost and needed directions. They joined other passengers on the journey singing, “Did they ever return? No, they never returned, and their fate is still unknown..” But they persisted and made it to Cranford!
Together, we went to Hanson Park to see my wife’s memorial garden and wind sculpture. We sat on one of the benches dedicated to my wife’s memory and enjoyed delicious Greek lemon soup from Ambelis and pastries from Papa Ganache bakery. It was a fantastic day filled with joyous memories I will always cherish. Thank you, Patty and Jan, for making it a day I will never forget. Later that evening, we had dinner with four other widows, where three of the diners celebrated their birthdays, including Patty and Jan.
Although we had many visitors when we celebrated Jan’s life, the number of widows who have come to Cranford since that event is minimal. Spending Sunday in the park with Patty and Jan was a fantastic day filled with memories I will always treasure. As much as I love reminiscing about old times, I also want and need more opportunities to share my piece of ground with my friends.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Chosen Family Minimizes My Grief!
As Melissa Kirsch wrote in The NY Times, chosen families are often created outside the traditional nuclear family structure and have become my source of love and support.
From grief support groups to my faith community and my circle of friends, I am grateful for the interconnectedness of these communities. They have become my chosen family, and I depend on them just as they count on me. Through it all, I have learned that love never dies.
Jan's Love Helps Me Be a Rock for Others!
Jan began calling me her “rock” a year after we met. As a romantic, I felt pleased to hear this, as I desired to love and be everything to her. However, when Jan was diagnosed with Lymphoma, I wept and began questioning whether I could be there for her in every way she needed. Jan’s life was once like a beautiful hand-knitted quilt, but it unraveled into countless loose threads after her diagnosis. As her husband, my duty was to be her support system, even though I feared she might not make it.
During the initial stages of Jan’s cancer treatment, we arranged chemotherapy sessions and consultations with the oncologists. We were optimistic that every step we took brought us closer to Jan’s full recovery. However, our belief that battling cancer was just a matter of ticking off a list of treatments fell apart on New Year’s Eve 2019. Jan was rushed to the Emergency Department and spent more than twelve hours there before being admitted to Overlook Hospital, where she stayed for the first ten days of 2020.
When Jan returned home for the last time in April 2021, many of her friends called or visited. Jan’s communication ability faded, so one of her friends asked to talk with me. They told me how much Jan loved and appreciated me. They also said that I would need support from them and everyone else in the future. Their words brought tears to my eyes, and I couldn’t respond.
When Jan passed away, I felt lost and didn’t know how to move on. However, with the help of my family, old friends, new friends, and other widows I met, I slowly regained my strength and confidence. I am now a “rock” for other widows, something I never dreamed possible. Today, my grief is no longer at the forefront of my mind because I have learned that Jan’s love will never die, and her spirit will always be with me.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Sharing Jan's love through the garden and the people whose lives she touched has been incredibly fulfilling and has helped me manage my grief.
I've also been inspired by Viktor E. Frankl's observation that "love is the ultimate goal in life." Jan's love will continue to live on through the garden and in my heart, inspiring me daily.
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by Lorrie Moore
Today, I started reading Lorrie Moore‘s latest novel; I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home. It’s her first book since A Gate at the Stairs, and it’s a bold and contemplative exploration of love, death, passion, and grief. Moore examines what it means to be haunted by the past in terms of history and the human heart.
The story follows a teacher who visits his dying brother in the Bronx. A mysterious journal from the 19th century is stolen from a boarding house. There’s also a therapy clown and an assassin, who is presumed dead but may not be.
Moore’s unique wordplay, wry humor, and wisdom make for an enchanting read. She presents us with a magic box of surprises, exploring themes of love, rebirth, and the pull toward life. This novel is a poetic and imaginative portrait of lovers and siblings that questions the stories we’ve been told and whether they’re true.
With I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home, Moore takes us on a journey to a windswept, tragic, and comic landscape. It’s unmistakably her world and a journey you won’t forget.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
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by Bea Setton
I’ve begun reading Berlin: A Novel by Bea Setton. After finishing Kairos, a book set in a divided Berlin, Setton’s debut novel is witty and insightful, with a young woman battling a sense of emptiness who moves to Berlin for a fresh start. However, things go differently than planned.
Daphne, the protagonist, moves to Berlin hoping for a new beginning but deals with more drama than she left behind. She knows she needs to make friends, learn German, and navigate a new way of life. She even expects to spend long nights alone with Nutella and experience the difficulties of online dating in another language. But one night, something unexpected and unnerving happens in her apartment, and Daphne’s life suddenly turns dangerous.
Setton captures the modern female experience with sharp observations and wit, making Berlin a must-read for her generation.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Carol Berkin
A Sovereign People: The Crises of the 1790s and the Birth of American Nationalism by Carol Berkin, Presidential Professor American Colonial and Revolutionary History; Women’s History Professor at Baruch College, focuses on four crises in the first decade. Most historians view these are part of the early partisan debates in America.
Professor Berkin takes a different perspective. She focuses on how the Whiskey Rebellion, the Genet Affair, the XYZ Affair, and the Alien and Sedition Acts helped build nationalism. Despite the partisan divisions, both sides could find solutions that helped America survive its first decade. The failure to resolve anyone of these could have doomed America to failure.
The Federalists – Washington, Hamilton, and Adams – were the leaders of that first decade and managed the successive crisis of sovereignty.
A Sovereign People is one of four books from my first One Day University class.
by Elizabeth Strout
Lucy by the Sea: A Novel by Elizabeth Strout is a poignant, pitch-perfect novel about a divorced couple stuck together during lockdown–and the love, loss, despair, and hope that animate us even as the world seems to be falling apart. Having lost Jan during Covid, I was apprehensive about reading this book. However, it was not only a page-turner but also a novel that gave me a new perspective on loss which helped me manage my grief.
With her trademark spare, crystalline prose, Elizabeth Strout turns her exquisitely tuned eye to the inner workings of the human heart, following the indomitable heroine of My Name Is Lucy Barton through the early days of the pandemic.
I highlighted several passages that specifically spoke to me.
We all live with people—and places—and things—that we have given great weight to. But we are weightless, in the end.
Who knows why people are different? We are born with a certain nature, I think. And then the world takes its swings at us.
It has been said that the second year of widowhood is worse than the first—the idea being, I think, that the shock has worn off and now one has to live with the loss, and I had been finding that to be true, even before I came to Maine with William. But now there were times I felt that I was just learning of David’s death again for the first time. And I would be privately staggered by grief. And to be in this place where David had never been (!)—I was really dislocated is what I mean.
And I also understood: Grief is a private thing. God, is it a private thing.
We are all in lockdown, all the time. We just don’t know it, that’s all. But we do the best we can. Most of us are just trying to get through.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview,
As a panicked world goes into lockdown, Lucy Barton is uprooted from her life in Manhattan and bundled away to a small town in Maine by her ex-husband and on-again, off-again friend, William. For the next several months, it’s just Lucy, William, and their complex past together in a little house nestled against the moody, swirling sea.
Rich with empathy and emotion, Lucy by the Sea vividly captures the fear and struggles that come with isolation, as well as the hope, peace, and possibilities that those long, quiet days can inspire. At the heart of this story are the deep human connections that unite us even when we’re apart–the pain of a beloved daughter’s suffering, the emptiness that comes from the death of a loved one, the promise of a new friendship, and the comfort of an old, enduring love.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by S. A. Cosby
Today, I delved into the gripping pages of “All the Sinners Bleed” by S. A. Cosby. This enthralling novel centers around Titus Crown, the first African American sheriff in Charon County, Virginia. Despite the county’s reputation for traditional customs such as moonshine, cornbread, and honeysuckle, Titus, with his FBI expertise, knows that the peace won’t last forever.
On the first anniversary of Titus’s election, a schoolteacher is murdered by an ex-student, and Titus’s deputies take down the perpetrator. As Titus delves deeper into the case, he uncovers a web of horrendous crimes and finds a serial killer lurking in plain sight, haunting Charon’s dirt roads and woodland clearings.
Titus is determined to solve the case, even though it is linked to a nearby church, and he harbors a personal secret that plagues him. However, he faces opposition from a far-right group who want to hold a parade to honor the town’s Confederate past while he tries to solve the issue.
Despite the challenges, Titus remains resolute in his love for Charon and his commitment to finding justice. The collision of religion and hatred cannot deter him from his duty.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Nathaniel Rich
Losing Earth: A Recent History by Nathaniel Rich reminds us how close we were to halting the climate emergency, and our failure has resulted in our passing the tilting point. The book “reveals, in previously unreported detail, the birth of climate denialism and the genesis of the fossil-fuel industry’s coordinated effort to thwart climate policy through misinformation propaganda and political influence.”
By 1979, we knew nearly everything we understand today about climate change – including how to stop it. Over the next decade, a handful of scientists, politicians, and strategists, led by two unlikely heroes, risked their careers in a desperate, escalating campaign to convince the world to act before it was too late. Losing Earth is their story and ours.
The New York Times Magazine devoted an entire issue to Nathaniel Rich’s groundbreaking chronicle of that decade, which became an instant journalistic phenomenon – the subject of news coverage, editorials, and conversations all over the world. In its emphasis on the lives of the people who grappled with the significant existential threat of our age, it made vivid the moral dimensions of our shared plight.
Losing Earth tells the human story of climate change in even richer, more intimate terms. It reveals, in previously unreported detail, the birth of climate denialism and the genesis of the fossil-fuel industry’s coordinated effort to thwart climate policy through misinformation propaganda and political influence. The audiobook carries the story into the present day, wrestling with the long shadow of our past failures and asking crucial questions about how we make sense of our past, our future, and ourselves.
Like John Hersey’s Hiroshima and Jonathan Schell’s The Fate of the Earth, Losing Earth is the rarest of achievements: a riveting work of dramatic history that articulates a moral framework for understanding how we got here and how we must go forward.
Losing Earth is a must-read book!
by Susanna Clarke
Piranesi by Susanna Clarke is about a man known as Piranesi who lives in a big house and explores the labyrinth of rooms and hopes of understanding the meaning. Is it any surprise that I would pick this book as my thirtieth of the year? As a widow, I journal and journey in a life I did not expect to live, and I still believe I will find meaning and purpose.
In addition, a labyrinth is one of the options we have discussed for the next phase of the work in Hanson Park.
Piranesi is a page-turner, but that does not fully describe the beauty of the world that Susanna Clarke created. I highly recommend this book as it is one of my best this year.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview of Piranesi by Susanna Clarke.
Piranesi’s house is no ordinary building: its rooms are infinite, its corridors endless, its walls are lined with thousands upon thousands of statues, each one different from all the others. Within the labyrinth of halls an ocean is imprisoned; waves thunder up staircases, rooms are flooded in an instant. But Piranesi is not afraid; he understands the tides as he understands the pattern of the labyrinth itself. He lives to explore the house.
There is one other person in the house—a man called The Other, who visits Piranesi twice a week and asks for help with research into A Great and Secret Knowledge. But as Piranesi explores, evidence emerges of another person, and a terrible truth begins to unravel, revealing a world beyond the one Piranesi has always known.
For readers of Neil Gaiman’s The Ocean at the End of the Lane and fans of Madeline Miller’s Circe, Piranesi introduces an astonishing new world, an infinite labyrinth, full of startling images and surreal beauty, haunted by the tides and the clouds.
When you buy a book or product using a link on this page, I receive a commission. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by James Goodhand
Today, I began reading “The Day Tripper: A Novel” by James Goodhand. The story centers around Alex Dean, who can travel through time but, unfortunately, always ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time. This book is a perfect read for a rainy April day. The story moves quickly in just the first few pages, with time flying by faster than it does for Alex.
It’s 1995, and Alex Dean has it all: a spot at Cambridge University next year, the love of a fantastic woman named Holly, and all the time ahead of him. That is, until a brutal encounter with a ghost from his past sees him beaten, battered, and almost drowning in the Thames.
The next day, he wakes to find himself in a messy, derelict room he’s never seen before, in grimy clothes Alex doesn’t recognize, with no idea how he got there. A glimpse in the mirror tells him he’s much older and has been living a hard life, his features ravaged by time and poor decisions. He snatches a newspaper and finds it’s 2010—fifteen years since the fight.
After finally drifting off to sleep, Alex wakes the following morning to find it’s now 2019, another nine years later. But the next day, it’s 1999. Never knowing which day is coming, he begins to piece together what happens in his life after that fateful night by the river.
But what exactly is going on? Why does his life look nothing like he thought it would? What about Cambridge and Holly? In this page-turning adventure, Alex must navigate the years to learn that small actions have an untold impact. And that might be all he needs to save the people he loves and, equally importantly, himself.
