Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Take Down Cancer

I Completed LLS’s Big Climb NJ 2023!

Jan's Love Never Dies!

This morning, I completed Big Climb NJ 2023, sponsored by The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS).

I climbed to the top of the twenty-six-story Gateway Center in Newark for Jan, the love of my life, and all those diagnosed with blood cancer.

My Apple Watch said I reached the summit of this year’s Big Climb in 8 minutes and 18 seconds. RaceWire, the official timekeeper, indicated I completed the stair climb in 7 minutes and 44 seconds and was 186th of 341 participants.

Each time my knees ached, I remembered how difficult it was for Jan to climb one step when we lived in the duplex apartment.

Any difficulty I felt is minor compared to Jan’s pain or the fear experienced by those diagnosed every nine minutes with blood cancer.

I was surprised by how emotional I felt when I took the train to Newark.

While registering and picking up my T-shirt, I wiped tears off my face.

Every ounce of my body and soul wanted Jan to climb with me as a survivor.

Being Earth Day made the climb more critical. If we are going to cure cancer, we need a healthy environment.

I climbed both for Jan to celebrate her seventy-third birthday and to step up to take down cancer by helping to find a cure for blood diseases.

I could not have climbed to the top without Jan’s love, support, and encouragement!

In addition, my family and overlapping community networks, faith, neighbors, fellow widows, friends, and more helped me during my grief journey. Without their support, I could not have climbed even one step.


It is still possible to donate to help cure cancer. Every dollar will help LLS find a cure for cancer.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I Will Climb for Jan on April 22nd!

On April 22nd, two days before Jan's birthday, I am joining The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS) in the fight to cure blood cancers by participating in Big Climb NJ!

I have accepted the challenge of climbing 26 flights of stairs to the top of One Gateway Center and raising critical funds for blood cancer research and patient support.

I'm stepping up to take cancer down, and you can help me ensure that one day no one will have to die from leukemia and lymphoma!

Show thread (1)

Non-Linear-Time

Phantom Tapping of Jan’s Shoes

Jan Is With Me Now and Forever!

“Hi honey, I did not want to wake you. The meeting ran later than I expected,” Jan said, the soft tapping of high-heel shoes on the wooden floor waking my sleepy body.

Still groggy, I tossed back the bed coverings and stood by the side of the bed, trying to shake off the sleep.

It looks like you are happy to see me,” Jan said with a wink, and I blushed, unable to respond with more than a smile.

“Go back to bed, sweetheart. I will join you in a minute,” Jan said, and I shook my head negatively.

Rubbing my sleepy eyes, I responded, “I am so happy to see you…” Suddenly, the bedroom became quieter, darker, and colder.

Realizing I was alone, I slipped back into bed. Pulling the sheets over my head, I accepted that it was not a dream but another example of time’s non-linear nature.


I rarely dream at night as I am a dreamer of the day because I could act on the “dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.”

If I ever dreamed at night, my insomnia eliminated my nighttime imagination. As T.E. Lawrence said, “Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity.”

However, the phantom tapping of the shoes seemed more accurate than my heartbeat. Yes, it was vanity. It also reminds us that our love will never die because Jan is with me now and forever.

Jan’s love transformed my life and will guide me on this last portion of my grief journey.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Widow Time is Non-Linear

As much as it might have appeared that I was in a dark tunnel after Jan died, I was not and am not now. There is indeed no defined end to the grief journey.

We all must learn how to live without our loved ones. The one I have chosen may not work for anyone else.

Because of how time-warped, Nell was confident that "Tig isn't exactly gone."

When I write about how Jan and I met and married, I think the same way Nell feels about Tig. Jan is not exactly gone, and I know she is still with me and always will be with me.

Grief has been an outstanding teacher, and it has taught me to live life fully.

Jan and her Orchid!

The Peace Lilly of Love!

No Green Thumb But Flowers Bloom With Jan's Love!

The Peace Lilly of Love!

The Peace Lilly of Love!

“You are overwatering the plants,” Jan declared.

Her comment baffled me, as I had only watered them once while she was in the hospital for the last two weeks.

I apologized and promised to do better.

“Why are you apologizing?”

“Because I did not take care of the plants.”

Turning on the faucet, I filled up the watering can.

“Do not worry about the plants; I need your help to get upstairs.”


I have always liked flowering plants and wanted to believe that Jan was not the only one with a green thumb.

Thanks to my friend Deb, I took a giant step toward making Apartment 3B my home last September!

With Deb’s guidance and commitment to care for the plants, an Orchid Jan received twenty-two months ago while in the hospital bloomed for the first time in February.

I was surprised that my Peace Lilly bloomed last week.

Jan and the Peace Lilly are the last things I see at night and the first things I see in the morning. It is on a bookcase by my bed next to a photo of the love of my life.

I have accepted I will never be a master gardener, but Jan is still with me now, and her love will ensure that the plants thrive and bloom forever.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Flowers Convert 3B Into a Home

Thanks to my friend Deb, I have made a giant step in making Apartment 3B my home! Deb, a master gardener and a member of the Hanson Park Conservancy and the Green Thumb Garden Club, helped me select the plants, and she re-potted them.

Show thread (2)

Faith is All I Needed!

Conversion or Status Quo

Am I Already Jewish, or Can I Become Closer to God?

Jon Brown Bar Mitzvah January 15, 1994

Jon Brown’s Bar Mitzvah was held on January 15, 1994. In the photo are (left to right) Richard W. Brown, Rabbi Darnov, Jon Brown, Jan Lilien, and in front, Mike Brown.“Richard, I have a question.”

“Richard, I have a question,” the woman at the table said.

I nodded, waiting for her to continue.

Jan was Jewish, but you are not,” she explained.

I nodded again, acknowledging her statement.

What faith were your parents? Do you plan to convert?” she asked.

My parents were Methodist. I have often thought about converting,” I shared. For almost forty years, I have been attending only Jewish services. Conversion is a more pressing issue as I want to be buried next to Jan, and not converting might prevent that.”

She and the others at the table listened as I explained my thoughts and concerns about converting.

“If you converted, what would be involved?” she asked.

I gave her a detailed answer based on what I had learned from Rabbi Renee.

The conversation continued, with everyone at the table sharing their thoughts and opinions.

Reflecting on the conversation later, I wondered if my faith was enough to bring me closer to God or if I needed to convert.

Quan Barry once wrote, “Sometimes faith is the only medicine available.”

My unwavering faith in God has comforted me in tough times. Since Jan’s passing, it has been vital to my well-being.

Yet, I still pondered if it was sufficient.

My heart was confident that with Jan’s love and my faith, I would eventually make the right choice.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Faith is All I Needed!

I have faced many challenges in my lifetime, but losing my beloved was the most difficult one. Thankfully, Rabbi Dr. Renee Edelman offered me guidance and support, which gave me hope and taught me how to live life to the fullest, even after my loss.

Throughout my life, faith has been my guiding force. It has empowered me to persevere through challenges and achieve personal growth. As a result, I have embraced life to the fullest, cherished meaningful relationships, and strived to impact the world around me positively.

A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness

A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness

I recently discovered an excellent short story collection called A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness: Stories by Jai Chakrabarti. This author won the National Jewish Book Award for debut fiction with his novel A Play for the End of the World, and it is clear that his talent extends to the short story form as well.

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Intense Pollinosis Stymies Spring

Intense Pollinosis Stymies Spring

Jan's Last Gift Continues Giving Me Hay Fever

“All I have in stock is Claritan D, 24-hour.”

Standing at the counter of Baron Drugs after a 7.88-mile walk, I said I would take the package.

My eyes felt like I was underwater, and my nose had sniffled my entire hike.

As he processed the payment, I complimented him on the extensive and expensive improvements to the store.

Thanks, it is more efficient and lets us serve our customers better.

Walking out with the medication in my jacket pocket, I remembered being here with Jan when we were looking for CBD products to help her with neuropathy. The store looked like it could have been the set for a 1950s movie.

Arriving in 3B, I ripped open the box and took a pill before removing my jacket. My symptoms began to subside over breakfast.

Although the pollinosis medication is non-drowsy, I have felt a little weirder than usual.

I have never been one to take a variety of medications. All I take daily are multivitamins and enough Vitamins C and D to meet my daily requirements.

In time, I am confident the Calritan effect will vanish, and I will not even remember adding this to my regimen.

Jan always suffered from Hay Fever, but pollen has never impacted me.

When Jan died, I thought her lasting gift to me was her enduring love. The more I give it away, the more love I have to share.

Perhaps, Jan also gave me hay fever to remember her forever. It is, like her love, a gift that keeps on giving.

The Calritan is working, and I will be well soon, and my love for Jan will never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Love Without Blossoms

It appears that the trees are blossoming.

Therefore, I am confident Jan's love has not and never will die. It is stronger now than it was on the day I met her.

When I sneeze from too much pollen, I accept it as a sign that she is still with me and loves me as much as I love her.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

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Non-Linear-Time
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Camp Zero

Read: April 2023

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Camp Zero: A Novel

by Michelle Min Sterling

I recently read an incredible novel called Camp Zero by Michelle Min Sterling. The book tells the story of several climate change survivors in a near-future northern settlement and explores the intersection of gender, class, and migration. The novel is a page-turner and a masterful exploration of who and what will survive in a warming world.

The story follows Rose, a young woman who agrees to spy on the architect of an American building project in exchange for housing. She arrives at the same time as Grant, a college professor who is trying to escape his wealthy family’s dark legacy. As they begin to investigate the mysterious architect, they uncover a disturbing mystery lurking beneath the surface of the camp.

One of the most fascinating aspects of the novel is the inclusion of an elite group of women soldiers living and working at a nearby Cold War-era climate research station. The rumors surrounding their presence add more intrigue to an already compelling story.

If you’re looking for a captivating novel that will keep you on the edge of your seat, I highly recommend Camp Zero. The book is a mesmerizing and transportive read, perfect for fans of Station Eleven and The Power.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Jan and her Orchid!
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Faith is All I Needed!
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A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness

Read: April 2023

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A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness

by Jai Chakrabarti

I recently discovered an excellent short story collection called A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness: Stories by Jai Chakrabarti. This author won the National Jewish Book Award for debut fiction with his novel A Play for the End of the World, and it is clear that his talent extends to the short story form as well.

The stories in this collection follow men and women as they navigate transformations and familial bonds across countries and cultures. Each story is unique and captivating, but the one that struck me was the title story about a closeted gay man in 1980s Kolkata who seeks to have a child with his lover’s wife. Chakrabarti’s skill as a storyteller is on full display in this story and throughout the collection.

I highly recommend A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness: Stories if you want a book exploring love and family’s complexities in uncertain times. Each story is a masterful exploration of what it means to cultivate a family across borders, religions, and races. I look forward to reading more by Jai Chakrabarti in the future.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

In the fourteen masterful stories of this collection, Jai Chakrabarti crosses continents and cultures to explore what it means to cultivate a family across borders, religions, and races today.

In the title story, a closeted gay man in 1980s Kolkata seeks to have a child with his lover’s wife. An Indian widow, engaged to a Jewish man, struggles to balance her cultural identity with the rituals and traditions of her newfound family. An American musician travels to see his guru for the final time—and makes a promise he cannot keep. A young woman from an Indian village arrives in Brooklyn to care for the toddler of a biracial couple. And a mystical agent is sent by a mother to solve her son’s domestic problems.

Throughout, the characters’ most vulnerable desires shape life-altering decisions as they seek to balance their needs against those of the people they hold closest.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Intense Pollinosis Stymies Spring
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In Five Years

Read: September 2021

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In Five Years

by Rebecca Serle

In Five Years by Rebecca Serle is a good, quick read. It is an “unforgettable love story that reminds us of the power of loyalty, friendship, and the unpredictable nature of destiny.”

The protagonist Dannie Kohan is a Type A lawyer who has her life planned out by the numbers. Everything she believes will happen according to her plan. But life sometimes throws us a curveball.

She applies for the job she has always wanted, and her boyfriend proposes to her. Everything is going according to her plan. She returns home believing that life is going as planned and falls asleep.

But when she wakes up, she’s suddenly in a different apartment, with a different ring on her finger, and beside a very different man. The television news is on in the background, and she can make out the scrolling date. It’s the same night—December 15—but 2025, five years in the future.

There are twists and turns, including her best friend introducing her new boyfriend, who happens to be the man she was with briefly in 2025. Her friends’ struggle with and eventual death from Ovarian cancer forces Dannie to confront life as is. Her friend reminds her that she has never truly experienced love and needs to stop controlling her life and those around her.

In five years is a question I am asking myself. Where will I be five years after Jan’s death?

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Brooklyn Crime Novel: A Novel

Read: October 2023

Brooklyn Crime Novel: A Novel

by Jonathan Lethem

I recently recommended reading “Brooklyn Crime Novel: A Novel” by Jonathan Lethem. The story is set in 1970s Brooklyn, where a daily ritual occurs on the streets. This ritual involves exchanging money, surrendering belongings, and asserting power. Violence is promised everywhere and becomes a currency itself.

Regardless of race, the street is like a stage in the shadows for the children. In the background, other players hide, including parents, cops, renovators, landlords, those who write the headlines, histories, and laws, and those who award this neighborhood its name.

Although the rules seem apparent initially, in memory’s prism, the roles of criminals and victims may appear to trade places. The voices of the past rise and gather as if in harmony, then war with one another. A street may seem to crack open and reveal what lies behind its shimmering facade. None who lived through it are ever permitted to forget.

Jonathan Lethem has written this story with kaleidoscopic verve and delirious wit, making it a breathtaking tour de force by a writer at the top of his powers. He has crafted an epic interrogation of how we fashion stories to contain the uncontainable: our remorse at the world we’ve made. He is known as “one of America’s greatest storytellers” by the Washington Post.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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The Women: A Novel

Read: February 2024

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The Women: A Novel

by Kristin Hannah

I started reading “The Women: A Novel” by Kristin Hannah today. This book is written by the same author who wrote “The Nightingale” and “The Four Winds.” “The Women” is a story set in a difficult time, depicting a woman’s coming-of-age journey and an epic tale of a divided nation. It highlights that women can be heroes, too.

When twenty-year-old nursing student Frances “Frankie” McGrath hears these words, it is a revelation to her. She was raised in Southern California’s sun-drenched, idyllic world and was sheltered by her conservative parents. She has always prided herself on doing the right thing. However, in 1965, the world is changing, and Frankie suddenly dares to imagine a different future for herself. When her brother ships out to serve in Vietnam, she decides to join the Army Nurse Corps and follows his path.

Frankie, who is as inexperienced as the young men sent to fight in Vietnam, is struggling to cope with the chaos and destruction of war. Every day is a life-or-death gamble that can be filled with hope, betrayal, and shattered friendships. In this brutal reality, she encounters and becomes one of the lucky, the brave, the broken, and the lost.

War is just the beginning for Frankie and her veteran friends. The actual battle awaits when they return home to a divided and changing America, met by angry protesters and a nation wanting to forget Vietnam.

The Women” is a novel that tells the story of a woman who goes to war. Still, its purpose is to bring attention to all the women who have put themselves in danger for their country and whose sacrifice and dedication have often been overlooked. The book is about solid friendships and patriotism, and it portrays a brave and idealistic heroine whose courage in times of war will become a defining moment in history.

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The Day Tripper: A Novel

Read: April 2024

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The Day Tripper: A Novel

by James Goodhand

Today, I began reading “The Day Tripper: A Novel” by James Goodhand. The story centers around Alex Dean, who can travel through time but, unfortunately, always ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time. This book is a perfect read for a rainy April day. The story moves quickly in just the first few pages, with time flying by faster than it does for Alex.

It’s 1995, and Alex Dean has it all: a spot at Cambridge University next year, the love of a fantastic woman named Holly, and all the time ahead of him. That is, until a brutal encounter with a ghost from his past sees him beaten, battered, and almost drowning in the Thames.

The next day, he wakes to find himself in a messy, derelict room he’s never seen before, in grimy clothes Alex doesn’t recognize, with no idea how he got there. A glimpse in the mirror tells him he’s much older and has been living a hard life, his features ravaged by time and poor decisions. He snatches a newspaper and finds it’s 2010—fifteen years since the fight.

After finally drifting off to sleep, Alex wakes the following morning to find it’s now 2019, another nine years later. But the next day, it’s 1999. Never knowing which day is coming, he begins to piece together what happens in his life after that fateful night by the river.

But what exactly is going on? Why does his life look nothing like he thought it would? What about Cambridge and Holly? In this page-turning adventure, Alex must navigate the years to learn that small actions have an untold impact. And that might be all he needs to save the people he loves and, equally importantly, himself.

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The Immortal Irishman

Read: October 2019

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The Immortal Irishman

by Timothy Egan

 

The Immortal Irishman: The Irish Revolutionary Who Became an American Hero by Timothy Egan is a book I started reading as The Worst Hard Timesincluded the first fifty pages.

I often only read a few pages and then return the book to the e-library. The Immortal Irishman was not the case, and I could not stop reading and borrowed the book immediately.

I had never heard of Thomas Francis Meagher or his life in Ireland or America. The story was fascinating, unique, and essential.

The Irish-American story, with all its twists and triumphs, is told through the improbable life of one man. A dashing young orator during the Great Famine of the 1840s, in which a million of his Irish countrymen died, Thomas Francis Meagher led a failed uprising against British rule, for which he was banished to a Tasmanian prison colony. He escaped and six months later was heralded in the streets of New York – the revolutionary hero, back from the dead, at the dawn of the great Irish immigration to America.

Meagher’s rebirth in America included his leading the newly formed Irish Brigade from New York in many of the fiercest battles of the Civil War – Bull Run, Antietam, Fredericksburg. Twice shot from his horse while leading charges, left for dead in the Virginia mud, Meagher’s dream was that Irish-American troops, seasoned by war, would return to Ireland and liberate their homeland from British rule.

The hero’s last chapter, as territorial governor of Montana, was a romantic quest for a true home in the far frontier. His death has long been a mystery to which Egan brings haunting, colorful new evidence.

I recommend this book.

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The Invisible Hour: A Novel

Read: August 2023

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The Invisible Hour: A Novel

by Alice Hoffman

Today I started reading The Invisible Hour by Alice Hoffman. It’s a story about love, heartbreak, self-discovery, and the magic of books. The Invisible Hour is the story of one woman’s dream. For a little while, it came true. Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote: “A single dream is more powerful than a thousand realities.

Mia Jacob finds hope in the power of words on a brilliant June day. She reads The Scarlet Letter, a novel written almost two hundred years earlier, which mirrors her life. Mia and her mother, Ivy, live inside an oppressive cult in western Massachusetts called the Community, where contact with the outside world is forbidden, and books are considered evil. Nathaniel Hawthorne’s words perfectly capture the pain and loss that Mia carries inside her.

As Mia journeys through heartbreak and time, she breaks free from the rules of her Community. Along the way, she discovers the power of reading to transport and connect people, the fluidity of time, and the strength of love to overcome any obstacle.

As a young girl, Mia fell in love with a book. Now as a woman, she falls for a writer as she travels back in time. But what if Nathaniel Hawthorne never wrote “The Scarlet Letter”? What if Mia never found the book on the day she planned to end her life?


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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