My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.
Today I started reading A Line in the Sand: A Novel by Kevin Powers. Listed as one of the books to read this week by The New York Times, which described it as "a stunning novel. Kevin Powers provides what any discerning reader desires the most — complex and flawed characters, precise use of language, succinct description, and believable dialogue."
Jan Believes in Me and Pushes Me to Move Foward!
The gentle rain outside and the distant sound of thunder make me reflect on Jan’s love and how it inspires me to live, learn, and participate in life. Recently, I read Lorrie Moore‘s book, “I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home,” and it has been on my mind ever since. I feel interconnected to the main character, Finn, who once said, “Loss of the heart kills the brain, he had read. Loss of the brain kills the heart. But only eventually. A million love stories demonstrated it! The heart could go on and on. Love was its own little generator of quasi-buried treasure.” Jan’s love fills me with happiness and helps me to embrace growth and love.
An article in the New York Times written by cultural critic Chris Vognar discusses his experience with grief and how it relates to the FX series ‘The Bear.’ Vognar’s partner, Kate, died from a terminal brain disease that resulted in dementia. The essay offers a reassessment of the grieving process.
He writes,
I got through the worst part of my ordeal, slowly, incrementally, and I have begun now to transcend it. I don’t know if time heals all wounds — I once saw a sign suggesting it actually wounds all heels — but time sure doesn’t stand still. Today, I often picture Kate much as Carmy pictures his brother. She is cheering me on and getting angry with me when I wallow.
Despite Jan’s death from lymphoma, her love for me remains unshaken. Her unwavering dedication motivates me to keep moving forward and never give up, even in sorrow. Although I will always miss her, I know that Jan would want me to find happiness in life and not dwell in sadness. Every day, I take small and big steps towards healing, knowing that it is what Jan would have wished for me.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Will I Be the One to Grow From My Grief?
In the earliest days, I was unable to do anything but weep.
Those days are rarer but still occur. Sixteen months and counting, and despite improvements, the heartache remains ever-present.
I have focused on Dr. Lois Tonkin's research that documents that our only option is to grow around grief, so our grief is a smaller portion of us.
Life is a Scrambled Jigsaw Puzzle, But the Journey is Rewarding
Have you ever experienced the sensation of being lost in life, as if you were trying to solve an intricate puzzle without any clear direction? This is precisely how I felt. It seemed as though I was given a jigsaw puzzle at birth but without a picture to guide me. Some pieces fit together easily, while others appeared misplaced, leaving me feeling disoriented. As I grew older, some parts of the puzzle seemed to change, no longer fit where they were once placed. My life was messy before I met Jan, and I struggled to make things work. While reminiscing about this period in my life, I was reminded of Lawrence Kushner’s touching poem “Jigsaw,” which provided insight into the meaning of life.
But know this. No one has within themselves
All the pieces to their puzzle.
Everyone carries with them at least one and probably
many pieces to someone else’s puzzle.
Sometimes they know it.
Sometimes they don’t.
Meeting Jan, I pondered whether our unfinished puzzles would ever be completed. However, after spending an immense amount of time together, spanned countless hours, days, and weeks, I realized we both shared a common challenge. The pieces missing from my puzzle were the exact ones she possessed, and vice versa. It was only after discovering this crucial detail that everything started to fall into place. Our love felt predestined from the moment we shared our first kiss, and we were confident that we shared one heart and one soul.
As Kushner wrote,
And when you present your piece
to another, whether you know it or not,
whether they know it or not,
you are a messenger from the Most High
As time went by, our workspaces gradually became intertwined. However, we adapted by creating distinct spaces for our children and grandchildren. Unfortunately, when Jan received her lymphoma diagnosis, it fell on me to take care of her and finish the remaining tasks of our shared life’s work.
The day after Jan’s funeral, I woke up to find the jigsaw puzzle shattered into countless fragments, as if a tornado had wreaked havoc on my life. It felt impossible to reassemble the broken pieces. However, with the assistance of my loved ones, friends, and fellow widows, I gradually began to reconstruct my life’s puzzle. It took more than two years to repair the damage and incorporate new pieces as I learned to navigate life without Jan. Her words continue to echo in my mind, reminding me of my strength and ability. Whenever I hear her voice, the most challenging pieces of my life’s puzzle fall into place.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Lorrie Moore's Metaphor Explains Life as Baseball
On Thursday, I began reading Lorrie Moore‘s “I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home” book. While reading, I came across an interesting observation by one of the characters, Finn, about the connection between baseball and life.
“Yeah, baseball is really the game that tells you what life is going to be: fastballs, errors, wild pitching, clutch hits, strike-outs, not getting to first base, things coming in from left field. Near misses. And that’s just the romance part.”
Ms. Moore has a distinctive and enchanting writing style. She employs clever wordplay, humor, and wisdom to make the story captivating, and her use of a baseball metaphor is an outstanding illustration of this.
I never participated in any organized sports. One time in sixth grade, during an intramural game in Physical Education class, my classmates skipped over me when it was my turn to bat. They knew I couldn’t hit the ball. Despite this, Finn’s observation still resonated with me as a widow.
Baseball presents a unique perspective on life through its many metaphors. The game may end, but there is always another one to look forward to until the season concludes. Even when the season ends, there is always next year, offering us hope and a chance to move forward despite our team’s loss. I find comfort in knowing that Jan’s spirit will guide me into the future and that I can always look forward to tomorrow as a new opportunity.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Today, I started reading Lorrie Moore's latest novel; I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home. It's her first book since A Gate at the Stairs, and it's a bold and contemplative exploration of love, death, passion, and grief. Moore examines what it means to be haunted by the past in terms of history and the human heart.
Memories of Pain-free Dentistry
As I sat in the dentist’s chair, waiting for the oral surgeon, I couldn’t help but notice the nitrous oxide dispenser. It had tubes for mixing oxygen with the oxide and was conveniently placed on wheels, making moving closer to the chair easy. I hadn’t seen one of these dispensers in years, and it had been even longer since I had been to a dentist who used it to alleviate pain for their patients.
During the early 1970s, while residing in East Williamsburg, I visited Dr. Lorber’s office on the corner of Maujer Street and Bushwick Avenue, just a block from my workplace. Rumors had circulated that the location was previously a luncheonette that drug dealers from The French Connection used for laundering money. When seeking a dentist, Dr. Lorber was highly recommended, with many mentioning his use of nitrous oxide. There were claims that Dr. Lorber had discovered drugs from the previous occupants and mixed them into the nitrous oxide.
I was skeptical about the effects of nitrous oxide despite its strong reputation. Once, while getting my wisdom tooth extracted by Dr. Lorber, the dental technician put a rubber mask on my face and adjusted the disperser’s knobs. When Dr. Lorber returned and removed the nitrous oxide mask, I thought my tooth had been extracted, so I left the office. However, Dr. Lorber corrected me as I walked down the hallway and instructed me to return to the dentist’s chair.
Jan, the love of my life, selected Dr. Lorber as her dentist because of his reputation for pain-free treatment. Despite suffering from mild dentophobia and avoiding dental appointments for years, Jan felt comfortable with Dr. Lorber. I was relieved we could visit the same dentist for our dental needs.
Despite experiencing a mild aversion to pain, when she received her lymphoma diagnosis, she displayed remarkable resilience in the face of the overwhelming discomfort. Each treatment was approached with a sense of calm and determination, and even upon learning of her hospice care, she remained a profile of courage. Her unwavering strength is a testament to her character. I can only hope to emulate it should I ever find myself in a similarly life-threatening situation without resorting to nitrous oxide to mitigate my anxieties.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Today, I started reading Lorrie Moore's latest novel; I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home. It's her first book since A Gate at the Stairs, and it's a bold and contemplative exploration of love, death, passion, and grief. Moore examines what it means to be haunted by the past in terms of history and the human heart.
Shadow of a Face in Harriet Tubman Square
On Monday, I attended the Juneteenth celebrations in downtown Newark and had a wonderful time. Our day began at Harriet Tubman Square, where we paid tribute to her contribution to the Black Liberation Movement’s history in the area and the Underground Railroad. We also saw the newly installed monument, “Shadow of a Face,” which replaced the Columbus statue. The monument’s name, inspired by Robert Hayden’s poem “Runagate Runagate,” is a tribute to Tubman.
After participating in singing and poetry activities, we marched through Newark and reached the NJ Performing Arts Center. We had an informative discussion about “Slavery’s Impact on the Black Experience in New Jersey.” It was a valuable learning experience, and I better understood the hidden histories that deserve more recognition. I have also shared two brief videos in this post that further explore the lasting impact of slavery. I was fascinated to learn that New Jersey was the last state to abolish slavery, and Queen Anne brought it to the state.
Overall, I am grateful for the opportunity to celebrate Juneteenth and look forward to next year’s festivities. Although Jan couldn’t join me physically, her spirit was with me. She would have joined me in wondering how long we must wait to see Harriet Tubman’s face on the US $20 bill. It’s long overdue!
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Day of Action On Climate Crisis
I recently attended the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism's Day of Action on the Washington climate emergency as a Temple Sha'arey Shalom representative. This was my first advocacy trip in almost five years, during which I advocated for funding for affordable housing for people with disabilities and people experiencing homelessness. This time, I was advocating for climate action as part of the Power for Purpose campaign of the Reform Movement. I had the opportunity to meet with staff from Senator Cory Booker and Congressman Chris Smith and later with Congressmen Donald Payne, Jr. via Zoom.
During the event, two speakers challenged us to think differently about the work we need to do. LaTosha Brown, Co-founder of the Black Voters Matter Fund and the Black Voters Capacity Building Institute encouraged us to levitate above public conversations that do not focus on solving problems and see the big picture. Reverend Senator Raphael Warnock from Georgia challenged us to view our work as an effort to redeem the soul of America, which the rise of antisemitism, racism, sexism, and other forms of hatred has damaged.
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by Kevin Powers
Today I started reading A Line in the Sand: A Novel by Kevin Powers. Listed as one of the books to read this week by The New York Times, which described it as “a stunning novel. Kevin Powers provides what any discerning reader desires the most — complex and flawed characters, precise use of language, succinct description, and believable dialogue.”
One early morning on a Norfolk beach in Virginia, a dead body is discovered by a man taking his daily swim—Arman Bajalan, formerly an interpreter in Iraq. After narrowly surviving an assassination attempt that killed his wife and child, Arman has been given lonely sanctuary in the US as a maintenance worker at the Sea Breeze Motel. Now, convinced that the body is connected to his past, he knows he is still unsafe.
Seasoned detective Catherine Wheel and her newly minted partner have little to go on beyond a bus ticket in the dead man’s pocket. It leads them to Sally Ewell, a local journalist as grief-stricken as Arman is by the Iraq War, investigating a corporation on the cusp of landing a multi-billion-dollar government defense contract.
As victims mount around Arman, taking the team down wrong turns and towards startling evidence, they find themselves in a race committed to unraveling the truth and keeping Arman alive—even if it costs them everything.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
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by Lorrie Moore
Today, I started reading Lorrie Moore‘s latest novel; I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home. It’s her first book since A Gate at the Stairs, and it’s a bold and contemplative exploration of love, death, passion, and grief. Moore examines what it means to be haunted by the past in terms of history and the human heart.
The story follows a teacher who visits his dying brother in the Bronx. A mysterious journal from the 19th century is stolen from a boarding house. There’s also a therapy clown and an assassin, who is presumed dead but may not be.
Moore’s unique wordplay, wry humor, and wisdom make for an enchanting read. She presents us with a magic box of surprises, exploring themes of love, rebirth, and the pull toward life. This novel is a poetic and imaginative portrait of lovers and siblings that questions the stories we’ve been told and whether they’re true.
With I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home, Moore takes us on a journey to a windswept, tragic, and comic landscape. It’s unmistakably her world and a journey you won’t forget.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by James Goodhand
Today, I began reading “The Day Tripper: A Novel” by James Goodhand. The story centers around Alex Dean, who can travel through time but, unfortunately, always ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time. This book is a perfect read for a rainy April day. The story moves quickly in just the first few pages, with time flying by faster than it does for Alex.
It’s 1995, and Alex Dean has it all: a spot at Cambridge University next year, the love of a fantastic woman named Holly, and all the time ahead of him. That is, until a brutal encounter with a ghost from his past sees him beaten, battered, and almost drowning in the Thames.
The next day, he wakes to find himself in a messy, derelict room he’s never seen before, in grimy clothes Alex doesn’t recognize, with no idea how he got there. A glimpse in the mirror tells him he’s much older and has been living a hard life, his features ravaged by time and poor decisions. He snatches a newspaper and finds it’s 2010—fifteen years since the fight.
After finally drifting off to sleep, Alex wakes the following morning to find it’s now 2019, another nine years later. But the next day, it’s 1999. Never knowing which day is coming, he begins to piece together what happens in his life after that fateful night by the river.
But what exactly is going on? Why does his life look nothing like he thought it would? What about Cambridge and Holly? In this page-turning adventure, Alex must navigate the years to learn that small actions have an untold impact. And that might be all he needs to save the people he loves and, equally importantly, himself.
by Sarah Rose Etter
I started reading “Ripe: A Novel” by Sarah Rose Etter today. This book has won awards and is highly praised by Roxane Gay for its uniqueness and brilliance. It tells the story of a woman in Silicon Valley who must choose how much she will sacrifice for success. Fans of “My Year of Rest and Relaxation” and “Her Body and Other Parties” will enjoy this surreal tale.
Cassie has worked at a Silicon Valley start-up for a year but feels stuck in a corporate nightmare. The long hours, toxic bosses, and unethical projects are taking a toll on her. She has a hard time reconciling the stark contrast between the abundance of wealth and the poverty and suffering that exist side by side in the city. Cassie observes Ivy League graduates complaining about snack options in a conference room overlooking unhoused people bathing in the bay. She’s witnessed start-up burnouts who throw themselves in front of commuter trains and men who light themselves on fire in the streets.
Even though Cassie is often by herself, she never feels entirely alone. Since she can remember, she has had a tiny black hole that is always with her. This black hole feeds off her feelings of sadness and worry, getting bigger or smaller depending on how much she struggles. While it watches her, it also waits patiently. Its powerful force keeps pulling Cassie closer as everything in her life seems to fall apart.
Cassie finds herself pregnant unexpectedly while dealing with her CEO’s illegal demands. She must weigh the benefits of Silicon Valley against the risks. Ripe follows the journey of one millennial woman through the absurdities of modern life, offering a sharp yet vulnerable, unsettling yet darkly comic commentary on our late-capitalist hellscape.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Shelby Van Pelt
Today, I recommended reading “Remarkably Bright Creatures” by Shelby Van Pelt. It’s a charming, witty, and compulsively readable exploration of friendship, reckoning, and hope. The novel traces the unlikely connection of a widow with a giant Pacific octopus, making it perfect for fans of “A Man Called Ove.” Shelby Van Pelt’s debut novel is a gentle reminder that sometimes, looking at the past can help uncover a future that once felt impossible.
The story follows Tova Sullivan, who works the night shift at the Sowell Bay Aquarium after her husband dies. Tova has been coping with loss since her eighteen-year-old son, Erik, mysteriously vanished on a boat in Puget Sound over thirty years ago.
While at the aquarium, Tova becomes acquainted with Marcellus, a grumpy giant Pacific octopus who refuses to cooperate with his human captors. However, Marcellus forms a remarkable friendship with Tova and helps her uncover the truth about her son’s disappearance.
As a detective, Marcellus uses his invertebrate body to deduce what happened when Tova’s son disappeared. Together, they embark on a journey to unearth the truth before it’s too late.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Julie Otsuka
The Swimmers: A Novel by Julie Otsuka is a novel about what happens to a group of obsessed recreational swimmers when a crack appears at the bottom of their local pool. This searing, intimate story of mothers and daughters—and the sorrows of implacable loss—is the most commanding and unforgettable work yet from a modern master. I highly recommend The Swimmers: A Novel by Julie Otsuka.
The novel was a page-turner from the first to the last page. It had been on my to-read list for months, and I am happy to start reading The Swimmers: A Novel by Julie Otsuka.
Memory loss is a frightening situation for anyone. Ms. Otuska writes powerfully and eloquently about Alice’s loss of her memory. I felt as if it was one of my loved ones.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview,
The swimmers are unknown to one another except through their private routines (slow lane, medium lane, fast lane) and the solace each takes in their morning or afternoon laps. But when a crack appears at the bottom of the pool, they are cast out into an unforgiving world without comfort or relief.
One of these swimmers is Alice, who is slowly losing her memory. The pool was a final stand against the darkness of her encroaching dementia for Alice. Without the fellowship of other swimmers and the routine of her daily laps, she is plunged into dislocation and chaos, swept into memories of her childhood and the Japanese American incarceration camp where she spent the war. Alice’s estranged daughter, reentering her mother’s life too late, witnesses her stark and devastating decline.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’sJan’s Love blog.
by Elizabeth Strout
Lucy by the Sea: A Novel by Elizabeth Strout is a poignant, pitch-perfect novel about a divorced couple stuck together during lockdown–and the love, loss, despair, and hope that animate us even as the world seems to be falling apart. Having lost Jan during Covid, I was apprehensive about reading this book. However, it was not only a page-turner but also a novel that gave me a new perspective on loss which helped me manage my grief.
With her trademark spare, crystalline prose, Elizabeth Strout turns her exquisitely tuned eye to the inner workings of the human heart, following the indomitable heroine of My Name Is Lucy Barton through the early days of the pandemic.
I highlighted several passages that specifically spoke to me.
We all live with people—and places—and things—that we have given great weight to. But we are weightless, in the end.
Who knows why people are different? We are born with a certain nature, I think. And then the world takes its swings at us.
It has been said that the second year of widowhood is worse than the first—the idea being, I think, that the shock has worn off and now one has to live with the loss, and I had been finding that to be true, even before I came to Maine with William. But now there were times I felt that I was just learning of David’s death again for the first time. And I would be privately staggered by grief. And to be in this place where David had never been (!)—I was really dislocated is what I mean.
And I also understood: Grief is a private thing. God, is it a private thing.
We are all in lockdown, all the time. We just don’t know it, that’s all. But we do the best we can. Most of us are just trying to get through.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview,
As a panicked world goes into lockdown, Lucy Barton is uprooted from her life in Manhattan and bundled away to a small town in Maine by her ex-husband and on-again, off-again friend, William. For the next several months, it’s just Lucy, William, and their complex past together in a little house nestled against the moody, swirling sea.
Rich with empathy and emotion, Lucy by the Sea vividly captures the fear and struggles that come with isolation, as well as the hope, peace, and possibilities that those long, quiet days can inspire. At the heart of this story are the deep human connections that unite us even when we’re apart–the pain of a beloved daughter’s suffering, the emptiness that comes from the death of a loved one, the promise of a new friendship, and the comfort of an old, enduring love.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Paul Murray
I began reading “The Bee Sting: A Novel” by Paul Murray today, the seventy-fifth book I have read this year, one more than last year. This exuberantly entertaining novel is a tour de force that portrays post-crash Ireland, a tragicomic family saga, and a dazzling story about the struggle to be good at the end of the world.
The Barnes family is in trouble, with Dickie’s once-lucrative car business going under. However, Dickie is spending his days in the woods, building an apocalypse-proof bunker with a renegade handyperson. His wife, Imelda, sells off her jewelry on eBay while trying to avoid the attention of fast-talking cattle farmer Big Mike. Meanwhile, their teenage daughter, Cass, formerly top of her class, seems determined to binge drink through her final exams. As for twelve-year-old PJ, he’s on the brink of running away.
If you were to change this story, how far back would you have to go? To the infamous bee sting that ruined Imelda’s wedding day? To the car crash one year before Cass was born? Or back to Dickie at ten years old, standing in the summer garden with his father, learning how to be a real man?
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
