Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

1064 Posts Likes
Jan is Still With Me

Bipedalism is My Magic Potion!

In Praise of Walking

In Praise of WalkingI woke up this morning with renewed enthusiasm for my top-of-the-day walk.

Last night, I read the first third of In Praise of Walking by neuroscientist Shane O’Mara.

Mike, Elyssa, and my two grandsons, Nick and Wes, had given me for my birthday. Their visit on Sunday was filled with joy and happiness.

The visit occurred two years after Mike and Elyssa came to Cranford to help Jan. I had just thought about that coincidence after they left.

In Praise of Walking is described as a hymn to walking, the mechanical magic at the core of our humanity; the book combines two of my interests, walking and reading.

Enthused by the book, I began my walk by climbing the stairs to the train platform to prepare for the Big Climb.

Standing on track one, the westbound train approached. As it passed me, the sun shone and filled the middle of the train tracks.

The rays of bright light reminded me to stay the course, live fully, and bring Jan with me.

As I exited the station, the eastbound train, filled with commuters, roared into the Ctanford station.

My mind focused on memories of the cross-country train journey that Jan and I took in 1978. If only we could make the trip again.

I could feel tears welling up inside my eye sockets, but I held them back as I remembered that Jan was with me now and forever!

Love never dies!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



These Feet Were Made for Walking

On Friday, the temperature for my morning walk was 55 degrees Fahrenheit.

Today was the polar opposite.

The reading on my Weather app was 5 Fahrenheit (-15 Celsius). With the wind, it felt like -13 Fahrenheit (-25 Celsius).

Yesterday, I walked 7.26 miles. Today I could only go 4.34 miles as nature, exacerbated by the cold, made an urgent call.

Planting Jan's Garden

Planting Jan’s Garden

The Power of True Love Transforms Hanson Park

Yesterday, I woke at half past five and told Jan how much I loved her in the darkness of my bedroom.

I abbreviated my walk as I received a text from Nelson, the landscaper, who had notified me he would add plants to Jan’s Memorial Garden the previous evening.

Nelson informed me that once they complete this, Hal, the irrigation contractor, will install the drip irrigation system tomorrow, and the remaining plants will arrive next week.

My feet danced as I walked to Hanson Park. I could not believe how fortuitous the timing was. Jan’s garden would take a significant step toward competition on my birthday!

Melissa, a woman I had never met, walked her cocker spaniel through the park and stopped to speak with us. Initially, she had kept a wide berth from the work site.

She inquired where she and her husband could order a similar sculpture for her home. I provided the information, and Nelson gave her his phone number.

Hanson Park was always fantastic, but now it is truly spectacular, beautiful, and memorable. Why did they decide to make these improvements now?”

I explained to her that it was a memorial for Jan, my wife.

Melissa handed her dog’s leash to Nelson and hugged me.

May the peacefulness and beauty of your wife’s memorial help you heal. I know the tranquity of your wife’s memorial in the park helps me every day when I walk thru this jewel in Cranford.

I mumbled thank you but could not formulate a more articulate response.

After Melissa and Nelson left, I sat on Jan’s bench that faces the Rahway River.

When Nelson had scheduled the initial work on the garden and the sculpture on Jan’s mid-year birthday, I had accepted it might be a sign from her or a mere coincidence.

But having now scheduled the start of the final phase on my birthday, I could no longer assume this was coincidental.

The only answer was that it was a message from Jan and a confirmation that my guardian angels protected me and reminded me that faith and love matter.

As Viktor E. Frankl wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning, “Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire.”

When I met Jan, her love transformed my life. Like Frankl, I knew my salvation would be “through love and in love.

I rose from the bench and decided to walk back to Jan’s garden to imagine I was viewing it thru someone else’s eyes for the first time.

As I approached, the spinning of the sculpture slowed, and at first, it looked like a flower blooming.

Jan died, but her love did not. From the depths of my grief, I have learned that I can bring her with me by sharing her passion for life. As Melissa confirmed, sharing Jan’s love can help others.

Standing in the sculpture’s shadow, I felt warm air on my neck. Then a quiet voice began to sing All You Need is Love. Unable to hold a tune, I hummed.

All I have ever needed was Jan’s love.

Jan’s sweet voice whispered, “I love you and always will. I will always be with you as long as you share my love.”

Yes, my love,  I will share your love now and forever with those who desperately need love!

Because all we need is love to repair the world.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Jan’s Memorial Garden

Working with the Hanson Park Conservancy, we have taken significant steps in building Jan's Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park including installing the Wind Sculpture.

Show thread (1)

My sister, my mom and me May 1949

Another Year, Another Birthday

Jan is Still With Me and Always Will Be!

“I want to be home for your birthday,” Jan stated as I stood beside her in the hospital.

Before she was diagnosed with Lymphoma, I would have retorted by saying it was time to plan her birthday.

However, having been in the hospital almost continually since the middle of February, I knew Jan was not in the mood for my silliness.

“I want you home,” I said as my voice vanished. After taking a deep breath, I continued, “healthy, happy, and home for good.

Jan made it home for my seventy-second birthday but was unhealthy.

Within days, she was so ill that she had to be admitted to the hospital for emergency surgery to install a stent.

Until that surgery, I had never been asked to have a copy of her advanced directory. When she was admitted to the hospital emergency department on April 2, 2021, I was not allowed to stay with her because of COVID.

An angel must have been driving my car, as I don’t remember how I got home that day.

The surgery was successful, and when I saw the warmth of her smile, she seemed like the healthiest she had been in years. Her voice was like the one I heard the day we met. Strong, confident, reassuring, and soothing.

I had no idea I only had a month left with Jan. By her birthday that year, she could not hear my birthday wishes or feel my kisses.

On Jan’s sixty-fourth birthday, I did my best rendition of “Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I’m sixty-four?

Now that I am seventy-four, the Beatles melody would be off-key if anyone was willing to sing the song to me.

But I know that Jan is still with me now and forever. Her love will never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Help Me Help, Jan

Feeling the warmth of her smile, she seemed like the healthiest she had been in years.

Show thread (2)

Grief is Love Without Guardrails

Grief is Love Without Guardrails

My Love for Jan Grows Stronger Every Day

When I met Jan, our love transformed us, and our souls merged.

We lived without boundaries and lived life fully as one untied soul.

She was the light that ignited my soul and made me a better person. I had never felt as alive or in love as I did with Jan.

Even true love, over time, establishes parameters as our lives become more complicated. Work and family imposed constraints, and our relationship made minor, mid-course adjustments.

Our love was strong enough that nothing diminished our joy; it simply placed it in a channel where it could bloom without the risk of being dimmed by a world that struggled to accept a love so strong.

When I became Jan’s caregiver, an act of selfless love, we became like a nation of two, entirely devoted to each other and committed to healing Jan’s cancer and our unified souls.

When Jan was in hospice in Apartment 3D, I began to pre-grieve while holding her hand.

In time, with the help of family, friends, widows, and Rabbi Renee, I learned that caregiving and grief, despite their pain, is love in its purest form.

Shabbat services at Temple Sha’arey Shalom helped me learn that grief is also a great teacher,

Thus, even when they are gone, the departed are with us, moving us to live as, in their higher moments, they themselves wished to live. We remember them now; they live in our hearts; they are an abiding blessing.

Today, I wake up in a world in which time, as Margaret Atwood writes in Old Babes in the Woods, is non-linear,

Time has ceased to be linear, with life events and memories in a chronological row, like beads on a string. It’s the strangest feeling, or experience, or rearrangement. I’m not sure I can explain it to you.

The first time that time folded back upon itself, I felt dizzy, as if I were losing not only Jan but my mind.

Once the dizziness ended, I realized there were no guardrails like when we first met, and our love could blossom forever like Jan’s Memorial Garden!

Knowing that love is unbounded gives me the strength to share her love freely.

Love never dies; people do. Jan’s love transformed me almost five decades ago, and its power continues unabated!

Hallelujah!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Grief is a Great Teacher

As I pray every week at Temple Sha'arey Shalom, when we remember those we lost in this passage, one of our readings is: "Grief is a great teacher when it sends us back to serve and bless the living. We learn how to counsel and comfort those who, like ourselves, are bowed with sorrow. We learn when to keep silent in their presence and when a word will assure them of our love and concern."

Mitzvah Day 2023

I Live in Community and Reside in My Home!

Mitzvah Day 2023 Brings My Communities Together!

“The goals today are to clean the branches from and near the path and plant some pansies,” Ellen, the President of the Hanson Park Conservancy, announced as Jan’s Wind Sculpture spun rapidly. I quickly pulled out the new wheelbarrows and joined one of the teams to pick up branches while another team prepared to plant the pansies.

Mitzvah Team 2023

Mitzvah Team 2023

It was heartening to see three of the many communities I belong to working together to make this year’s Mitzvah Day a success. My involvement in these communities strengthens and helps me survive my grief journey. It was a beautiful day, and I felt grateful to be part of the efforts of Temple Sha’arey Shalom, Hanson Park Conservancy, Cranford, my hometown, and my neighbors, all working together towards a common goal.

As we worked, Ellen explained that we would need to rebuild the frames for the garden plots, and if this year’s experiment works well, we will expand the space for community gardens next year. It was great to see how these communities seamlessly moved between each other, and I made a mental note to connect Ellen with my neighbor, who wants one of the plots. “Make sure you connect me with your neighbor who wants one of the plots,” Ellen reminded me.

As Charlie Padavano says to Sylvie, one of his daughters, in Hello Beautiful, “We’re separated from the world by our own edges. We’re all interconnected, and when you see that, you see how beautiful life is.

As a widow, it is sometimes difficult for me to appreciate the beauty of life without my beloved partner, Jan. However, I am learning to take things one day at a time and embrace life to the fullest. Although Jan’s loss can never be replaced, I feel fortunate to have a supportive network that allows me to keep her spirit alive and share her love with others.

We can face life alone in fear or unite and support one another. For me, living interdependently in multiple communities has helped manage my grief.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Mitzvah Day in Hanson Park

On Sunday, May 15, 2022, members of Temple Sha'arey Shalom participated in the MetroWest Federation Mitzvah Day at Hanson Park in Cranford, NJ.

Hanson Park is the same park where Jan's Memorial Triangle Garden, benches, and the Education Fund will sponsor ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Jan is Still With Me
×
In Praise of Walking

Read: April 2023

Get this book

In Praise of Walking

by Shane O'Mara

I recently received a book from my family that combines two interests: walking and reading. The book, “In Praise of Walking” by Shane O’Mara, celebrates the joys, health benefits, and mechanics of walking. It emphasizes the importance of getting out of our chairs and discovering a happier, healthier, more creative self.

One of the most important insights I gained from this book is that walking can lead to mind wandering, focusing on autobiographical memory rather than the immediate environment. This realization helped me accept and appreciate Jan’s love and move forward with her passion.

The book also explores the significance of walking to our human identity. Walking upright has given us many advantages, including the freedom of our hands and minds. Walking has enabled us to spread worldwide and has many benefits for our bodies and minds, such as protecting and repairing organs, aiding digestion, and sharpening our thinking.

Overall, “In Praise of Walking” inspires us to start walking again and recognize its many benefits to our lives and societies.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



×
Planting Jan's Garden
×
My sister, my mom and me May 1949
×
Lone Women

Read: March 2023

Lone Women: A Novel

by Victor LaValle

As an amateur historian, I have always enjoyed historical fiction, especially when It helps us redefine the past to be more accurate. Lone Women: A Novel by Victor LaValle is a haunting new vision of the American West from the award-winning author of The Changeling. Blue skies, empty land—and enough room to hide away a horrifying secret. Or is there? I recommend this book.

When I began reading this novel, I was unsure where it was going or what might be hidden in the steamer trunk. I was unaware of this story and found this book a well-written account of forgotten history that must be told and shared with all readers. Stay the course as Lone Women: A Novel reveals the secrets in the Trunk and the fantastic story of lone women who lived in and prospered in the old West.

Lone Women is the twenty-fifth book I have read in 2023. Although I have surpassed my reading goal, I will continue to read.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Adelaide Henry carries an enormous steamer trunk with her wherever she goes. It’s locked at all times. Because when the trunk is opened, people around her start to disappear…

The year is 1914, and Adelaide is in trouble. Her secret sin killed her parents and forced her to flee her hometown of Redondo, California, in a hellfire rush, ready to make her way to Montana as a homesteader. Dragging the trunk with her at every stop, she will be one of the “lone women” taking advantage of the government’s offer of free land for those who can cultivate it—except Adelaide isn’t alone. And the secret she’s tried so desperately to lock away might be the only thing keeping her alive.

Told in Victor LaValle’s signature style, blending historical fiction, shimmering prose, and inventive horror, Lone Women is the gripping story of a woman desperate to bury her past—and a portrait of early twentieth-century America as you’ve never seen.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



×
Grief is Love Without Guardrails
×
Mitzvah Day 2023
×
Nothing but the Truth

Read: December 2024

Get this book

Nothing But The Truth

by Robyn Gigl

Today, I started reading “Nothing But the Truth,” the fourth book in Robyn Gigl‘s Erin McCabe Legal Thriller series. The New York Times has selected it as one of the Best Crime Novels of 2024. I have also read “The Hunter” and “Gods of Wood,” which are on the same list. Nothing but the Truth is a gripping and timely thriller that explores themes of murder, prejudice, and police corruption.

One of the reasons I decided to read this novel is that it—and the entire series—takes place mainly in Union County, particularly in Cranford, my hometown! Erin McCabe and her law partner get salads from the Gourmet Deli, and she dines with her husband at the Cranford Hotel. In this installment, Erin McCabe, a transgender attorney from the Garden State, discovers that uncovering the truth can be deadly.

New Jersey State Trooper Jon Mazer has been charged with killing Black investigative reporter Russell Marshall in a racially charged, headline-making murder. The evidence against criminal defense attorney Erin McCabe’s new client is overwhelming. The gun used is Mazer’s off-duty weapon. Fingerprints and carpet fibers link Mazer to the crime. And Mazer was patrolling Marshall’s neighborhood shortly before the victim took three bullets to the chest. Mazer’s argument? He’s a gay officer being set up to take the fall in an even bigger story.

Mazer swears he was a secret source for Marshall’s exposé about the Lords of Discipline. The covert gang operating within the New Jersey State Police is notorious for enforcing its code of harassing women, framing minorities, and out-powering any troopers who don’t play their rogue and racist games. With everyone from the governor to the county prosecutor on the wrong side of justice, Erin and her partner, Duane Swisher, are prepared to do anything to ensure Mazer doesn’t become another victim.

As Erin deals with an intensely personal issue at home and faces an uphill battle to prove her client’s innocence, she and Duane find themselves mired in a conspiracy of corruption more profound than they imagined—and far more dangerous than they feared.

×
The Heaven & Earth Grocery Store

Read: November 2023

Get this book

The Heaven & Earth Grocery Store

by James McBride

I started reading The Heaven & Earth Grocery Store: A Novel by James McBride today. It’s the seventy-first book I’ve read this year and the two hundredth since January 1, 2019. The novel’s narrative begins in 1972 when workers in Pottstown, Pennsylvania, were digging the foundations for a new development. They were surprised to find a skeleton at the bottom of the well. The identity of the skeleton and how it ended up there were long-held secrets that the residents of Chicken Hill kept.

Jewish immigrants and African Americans lived together in this run-down neighborhood and shared their aspirations and hardships. Moshe and Chona Ludlow resided in Chicken Hill when Moshe integrated his theatre, and Chona ran the Heaven & Earth Grocery Store. When the state officials searched for a deaf boy to institutionalize him, it was Chona and Nate Timblin, the Black janitor at Moshe’s theatre and the unofficial leader of the Black community on Chicken Hill, who collaborated to keep the boy safe.

As the stories of these characters intertwine and develop, it becomes evident how much the individuals living on the outskirts of white, Christian America struggle to survive and what they must do to make it through. As the truth is ultimately disclosed regarding the events that occurred on Chicken Hill, including the involvement of the town’s white establishment, McBride illustrates to us that, even in the darkest of times, love and community – the very essence of heaven and earth – help us endure.

Bringing his masterly storytelling skills and deep faith in humanity to The Heaven & Earth Grocery Store, James McBride has written a novel as compassionate as Deacon King Kong and as inventive as The Good Lord Bird.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Regarding gifts made this month, I will match dollar for dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



×
Intimacies: A Novel

Read: March 2022

Get this book

Intimacies: A Novel

by Katie Kitamura

Intimacies: A Novel by Katie Kitamura is about an interpreter who has come to The Hague to escape New York and work at the International Court. A woman of many languages and identities is finally looking for a place to call home.

Intimacies: A Novel is the second book by Ms. Kitamura that I have read this year. The multiple intimacies of the novel overlap and at times seem confusing, but in the end, it makes sense even if it is unclear how or where she will live the next phase of her life. A Separation is also written hypnotic, making it difficult to stop reading.

I not only highly recommend Intimacies: A Novel but have become a fan of Katie Kitamura and look forward to reading more of her books.

Goodreads summary provides a good overview.

She’s drawn into simmering personal dramas: her lover, Adriaan, is separated from his wife but still entangled in his marriage. Her friend Jana witnesses a seemingly random act of violence, a crime the interpreter becomes increasingly obsessed with as she befriends the victim’s sister. And she’s pulled into explosive political fires: her work interpreting for a former president accused of war crimes becomes precarious as their relationship is unbound by shifting language and meaning.

This woman is the voice in the ear of many, but what command does that give her, and how vulnerable does that leave her? Her coolly impassioned views on power, love, and violence, are tested, both in her personal intimacies and in her role at the Court. She is soon pushed to the precipice, where betrayal and heartbreak threaten to overwhelm her; it is her drive towards truth, and love, that throws into stark relief what she wants from her life.

Register to Attend Celebrate Jan Day

Subscribe

Contact Us

When you buy a book or product using a link on this page, I receive a commission. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

×
Beautyland: A Novel

Read: June 2024

Get this book

Beautyland: A Novel

by Marie-Helene Bertino

I started reading “Beautyland: A Novel” by Marie-Helene Bertino today. The novel is about the fragility and resilience of life on Earth and in our universe. It tells the story of a baby born with extraordinary perception to a single mother in Philadelphia when Voyager 1 embarks on its interstellar journey. As we follow Adina Giorno’s growth, we witness her awakening to her exceptional nature—a profound understanding of a distant planet.

With the introduction of a fax machine, she established a unique form of communication with her extraterrestrial kin, who dispatched her to observe and document the peculiarities of Earthlings. As Adina navigates the complexities of the human world, she not only shares her observations on the joys and terrors of existence but also grapples with her identity and the connections she forms. At a pivotal moment, a trusted friend encourages her to share her transmissions with the world, leading her to question if she is alone in her experiences.

Beautyland‘ is a wise, tender novel about a woman who doesn’t feel at home on Earth, penned by the highly acclaimed Marie-Helene Bertino, the author of ‘Parakeet.’ With her proven ability to craft compelling narratives, Bertino’s ‘Beautyland’ is a surefire way to captivate readers interested in contemporary fiction, themes of identity, and human connection.

×
The Pursuit of Happiness

Read: January 2025

Get this book

The Pursuit of Happiness

by Jeffrey Rosen

Today, I started reading Jeffrey Rosen‘s book, “The Pursuit of Happiness: How Classical Writers on Virtue Inspired the Lives of the Founders.” This New York Times bestseller examines what “the pursuit of happiness” meant to our nation’s Founders, how that iconic phrase influenced their lives, and how it provided the foundation for our democracy—a quest for being good rather than merely feeling good.

The Declaration of Independence identifies “the pursuit of happiness” as one of our unalienable rights, alongside life and liberty. Jeffrey Rosen, president of the National Constitution Center, profiles six of the most influential Founding Fathers—Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and Alexander Hamilton—to explore what pursuing happiness meant to them. This work provides “the best and most readable introduction to the ideas of the Founders that we have” (Gordon Wood, author of “Power and Liberty“).

By examining the classical Greek and Roman moral philosophers who inspired the Founders, Rosen illustrates how they understood the pursuit of happiness as a quest for being good rather than simply feeling good. It is about striving for lifelong virtue instead of seeking short-term pleasures. Among these virtues were the habits of industry, temperance, moderation, and sincerity, which the Founders regarded as essential components of personal growth, character development, and self-mastery. They believed that self-governance in politics required self-governance on an individual level. For all six Founders, the pursuit of virtue was fundamentally incompatible with the enslavement of African Americans, although the Virginians failed to uphold their principles in this regard.

Ken Burns describes “The Pursuit of Happiness” as “immensely readable and thoughtful. It is more than just an analysis of the famous phrase in the Declaration. It is a revealing journey into the Founders’ minds, offering a deep and fresh understanding of the foundations of our democracy.

×
Revolutionary Mothers

Read: February 2019

Get this book

Revolutionary Mothers

by Carol Berkin

Revolutionary Mothers by Carol Berkin, Presidential Professor of American Colonial and Revolutionary History; Women’s History Professor at Baruch College, is one of four books I purchased after my first One Day University Class on February 9, 2019. It should be required reading!

The book explains how women of the Revolution were most active at home, organizing boycotts of British goods, raising funds for the fledgling nation, and managing the family business while struggling to maintain a modicum of normalcy as husbands, brothers, and fathers died.

It was not just the men who fought on the front lines, as in the story of Margaret Corbin, who was crippled for life when she took her husband’s place beside a cannon at Fort Monmouth. She explains the mystery of Molly Pitcher (she was not a person but a group of women), camp followers, women who spied for their country, Loyalist women, and the impact on African American and Native women.

This intelligent and comprehensive history brings these forgotten stories to their rightful place in the struggle for American independence. Dr. Birkin also highlights how their efforts set the stage for the continuing campaign for gender equality.

Subscribe

Contact Us

×