Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Donna and I Sitting on one of Jan's Benches

My Friends Validate My Progress

Jan Still Walks With Me in Hanson Park!

Donna and I are Sitting on one of Jan's Benches

Donna is Sitting Next to Me on One of Jan’s Benches.

Recently, I had two visitors from out of state who were friends in college with my late wife, Jan. I was excited to see them but also worried they might say something that would upset me about Jan. To avoid holiday parades; I took a longer route to pick them up from a friend’s house before arriving at Hanson Park.

As we approached Jan’s Garden and the Wind Sculpture, I was a tour guide and shared the park’s history with my guests. I explained why it was the perfect location for Jan’s living memorial. One of my guests remarked, “It’s much more impressive in person than in videos or pictures. Jan’s garden is so peaceful and beautiful!”

The sculpture’s arms were expanding and shrinking despite the slow wind. One of my guests observed that “It’s like an optical illusion. Our eyes are tricked into believing it’s getting smaller or larger, but it’s not.”

Sitting on the rocks in the amphitheater, my companions asked about my well-being and how I had been dealing with Jan’s passing two years ago. I shared with them how I’ve kept Jan’s memory alive and talked about the supportive communities I’ve found. I even mentioned how I felt Jan’s presence in her garden as if she was still with me and made a lighthearted joke about her watching us from behind a tree. My friends acknowledged my progress and reassured me that I was doing physically and mentally well. After not seeing them since the pandemic, receiving their kind words was comforting and unexpected.

Although I lost my beloved, I found a way to keep her memory alive. My guests complimented me on the beautiful living memorial I had created for Jan and told me I had inspired them. I felt flattered, but I knew my words were genuine and not self-interest-motivated.


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Jan’s Memorial Garden

Working with the Hanson Park Conservancy, we have taken significant steps in building Jan's Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park including installing the Wind Sculpture.

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Jan is Still With Me

Walking By Frog Pond

We Are Alive in Order to Help Each Other!

Jan is Still With Me

Jan Running in a Race

During my morning walk, I took a shortcut through the wetlands by crossing a concrete barrier over the stream and turning left. Along the way, I saw a few people walking or fishing. As I approached the frog pond, I noticed a young woman’s head on the side of the path. At first, I thought she was tying her shoes or baiting her fishing line, but then she stood up.

The woman suddenly jogged towards me and said, “I kept thinking I might fall, and then I did.” I asked if she was okay, and she confirmed that she was. As she ran behind me, I noticed the tree roots interlaced across the pathway and worried my plodding feet might trip on them. She was much younger than me and more agile. After wishing her a good day, I continued my walk.

Walking by the bakery the next day, I greeted the staff with a friendly wave. Suddenly, someone called, “Hey, Mr. Have a Nice Day! Do you remember me from Nomehagan Park yesterday when I fell?” It was one of the bakers who delivered baked goods to Track 5 every morning. I realized that she was also the person who had slipped in the park’s wetlands.

When I asked her how she was doing after the fall, she replied, “I’m fine, just a scrape. Thank you for asking. It seems like most people don’t care about their neighbors, but you’re different and genuinely concerned.

This conversation reminded me of the importance of caring for others. While many praised me for handling my grief on Memorial Day, this woman validated my humanity and made me reflect on the significance of empathy.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Why I Walk Every Day

Even though grief is currently the main focus of my life, I have found comfort in taking walks. Walking helps me to clear my mind, stay physically active, and feel connected to my loved ones. Each step brings me closer to Jan, the love of my life, and reminds me that love never dies; it can be reignited with every step we take.

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Jan and Richard

Jan’s Dry Humor Warms My Heart

Laughter Is the Best Medicine for Grief

Jan and RichardAs I walked into the kitchen, I called out to Jan, wondering where she was. “Honey, I’m home and could use some help,” I said. Jan appeared from the living room and asked what I needed.

I held up my glasses, explaining that one of the ear temples had come loose. Jan kissed me and offered to drive me to the eye store to get them fixed. During the ride, I shared that my glasses had separated while I was going home, and I worried they might fall apart entirely.

When we arrived at LensCrafters, a young woman approached me, and I showed her the problem. She immediately determined that I needed a screw to fix the issue. As she turned to get one, Jan loudly joked, “If I had known you needed to screw, we could have done that at home.”

I was initially embarrassed, but then I couldn’t help but join in her laughter. We left the store with my glasses fixed and continued to share a laugh about Jan’s funny remark.

Remembering this moment always makes me smile and reminds me of Jan’s sense of humor. Even though she’s no longer with me, I feel her love and warmth close by. Her spirit was infectious, and I am grateful to have shared my life with her.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Jan’s Sweet Kisses

I enjoyed kissing Jan very much! I wish every day I could have just one more kiss from Jan. Out of all the kisses we shared, two are particularly special: the first and the last.
Peaceful Jan

Social Malfunctioning

We All Should Be Helping Our Neighbors

During my walk today, I experienced a few unexpected moments that left me grateful. I was lost in my thoughts and didn’t even realize I still had my walking shoes on when I got home. While changing my shirt, I noticed that the Peace Lilly plant next to Jan’s framed photo had new growth, with three fresh blooms. It was a beautiful reminder to cherish every moment because life continues.

Whenever I look at a photo of Jan, I update her on my day. It’s comforting to have her presence with me. I explained that I had climbed the long stairway onto the train platforms during my walk, just like I did for the Big Climb. It was a challenging experience that reminded me of the importance of perseverance.

As I walked along the crowded train platform toward Newark, I saw a woman who appeared to need help. Her book bag had pulled the hem of her dress up above her waist. Despite being surrounded by a dozen men and women, no one had offered to help her. The issue with the wardrobe wasn’t just a tiny problem; it was a more significant social issue that required attention. I couldn’t just stand by and watch; therefore, I approached her and offered my assistance. She was grateful for the support and quickly resolved the issue.

Jan taught me to be a role model to our sons and other men and to treat women respectfully and kindly. Looking at her photo and the Peace Lily, I felt grateful for all the lessons she taught me.

As I left the bedroom, I whispered, “I love you, Jan.”


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Jan and Richard at YWCA Gala

Visualizing Life and Making Better Choices

How to Be Present and Removed at the Same Time

Jan and Richard at YWCA Gala

Jan and Richard at YWCA Gala, October 2019

A few years back, I got into a car accident. Before the crash, I could analyze the cars in the intersection and anticipate the outcome. When the insurance agent asked me how I could comprehend the events that led up to the accident, I calmly explained my method of visualizing the intersection as a chessboard, with time seemingly stopped. I could foresee the car that would collide with mine. The agent took note of my explanation and concluded that I was not at fault.

I visualize scenes from my life similarly and experience out-of-body sensations like during a car accident. It has become a common occurrence for me.

I was deeply emotional when Jan expressed her desire to be with her boyfriend. I threw my wedding ring across the room and shouted that our marriage was over. However, I calmed down by visualizing our love story and the potential for our future. I realized how much I loved Jan and how finding a solution was crucial. By not focusing solely on my pain, I reignited the spark in our relationship and saved our marriage.

During Jan’s hospice care, I reminisced about our past while holding her hand in the present. I visualized our nearly fifty-year love story in slow motion. After Jan’s passing, I experienced the out-of-body sensation several times. For instance, at her funeral, it felt natural for me to thank those in attendance for mourning Jan. This altered state of visualization and decision-making has helped me manage my grief and live fully while sharing Jan’s love.

Have you ever had a feeling of having a sixth sense or a guardian angel? Do you sometimes feel like your perspective is altered and out of your control? I often question if it’s just my imagination, but I’ve learned to trust my intuition and give it a chance. Instead of reacting to the moment, I visualize the situation, which has been helpful. I am still figuring out if my choices will always lead to positive outcomes.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Home for Hospice

I must focus all my attention on Jan, who will come home for hospice care. Although resources are limited, I will give Jan my utmost love and support.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Donna and I Sitting on one of Jan's Benches
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Jan is Still With Me
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Jan and Richard
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Peaceful Jan
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The Ferryman: A Novel

Read: May 2023

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The Ferryman: A Novel

by Justin Cronin

The novel, “The Ferryman,” by Justin Cronin, is set in the beautiful archipelago of Prospera. People lead long and fulfilling lives in this society until their forearm monitors drop below 10%. Then, they retire to the Nursery. Their memories are wiped clean, and they start a new life as sixteen-year-olds.

Although the book was recently published, I hesitated to read it due to the unsettling notion of having my memories wiped clean. However, my curiosity got the best of me, and I’m glad it did. Proctor Bennett, the protagonist, works as a ferryman, assisting people through retirement. But things worsen when Proctor starts dreaming, which is impossible in Prospera, and his monitor percentage rapidly decreases. Are these dreams fragments of a past that they cannot recall?

Amidst all this, rumors about the Arrivalists, who oppose the societal structure, and even the Support Staff, who keep Prospera functioning, are questioning their roles. Proctor finds himself caught up in a more significant cause than expected and sets out to uncover the truth.

Without giving away too much, things are not always what they seem in Prospera.

As a widow, I found this line particularly poignant: “That loss was love’s accounting, its unit of measure, as a foot was made of inches, a yard was made of feet.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book; it kept me engaged and excited, and my Kindle was my go-to device for reading it. I highly recommend this novel.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Jan and Richard at YWCA Gala
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The Guest

Read: May 2023

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The Guest: A Novel

by Emma Cline

The Guest by Emma Cline is a highly recommended book, recognized as one of the top releases for May by The New York Times. At first, I assumed it was just another typical summer romance novel I usually don’t enjoy. However, I was surprised that it was unlike any other beach read I had encountered.

The protagonist, Alex, finds herself in a difficult situation after making a mistake at a dinner party in the East End of Long Island towards the end of summer. The man she’s been staying with dismisses her and sends her back to the city. With limited resources and a waterlogged phone, Alex decides to stay on Long Island and explore her surroundings. She wanders through exclusive neighborhoods and beaches, leaving a trail of destruction behind her.

According to The New York Times, Alex’s days and nights waiting for Labor Day might be “an entertaining series of misguided shenanigans interrupting the upper class’s summer vacation. However, under Cline’s command, every sentence is as sharp as a scalpel, portraying a woman who toes the line between welcome and unwelcome guest and becomes a fully destabilizing force for her hosts and the novel itself.

Although the book has no experience with themes, such as using sex to secure what she desires, as soon as I started reading it, I could not stop. Regardless of my unfamiliarity with the topics, I highly recommend The Guest.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Heartwood

Read: April 2025

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Heartwood: A Novel

by Amity Gaige

Today, I embarked on the journey of Heartwood by Amity Gaige. This novel unfolds a gripping narrative as a search and rescue team races against time to find an experienced hiker who mysteriously disappears on the Appalachian Trail in Maine. The suspense of the search for Valerie is palpable, drawing you into the story with great literary ambition and love at its core.

In the heart of the Maine woods, an experienced Appalachian Trail hiker goes missing. She is forty-two-year-old Valerie Gillis, who has vanished 200 miles from her final destination. Alone in the wilderness, Valerie’s emotional struggle is palpable as she pours her thoughts into fractured, poetic letters to her mother, battling the elements and struggling to keep hoping.

At the heart of the investigation is Beverly, the determined Maine State Game Warden tasked with finding Valerie, who leads the search on the ground. Meanwhile, Lena, a seventy-six-year-old birdwatcher in a Connecticut retirement community, becomes an unexpected armchair detective. What’s unique about this narrative is that a puzzle emerges between these compelling narratives, intensifying the frantic search, as Valerie’s disappearance may not be accidental.

Heartwood is a “gem of a thousand facets—suspenseful, transporting, tender, and ultimately soul-mending” (Megan MajumdarNew York Times bestselling author of A Burning). It tells the story of a lost hiker’s odyssey and is a moving rendering of each character’s interior journey. The mystery inspires more significant questions about how we get lost and how we are found.


Amity Gaige is the author of four previous novels: O My Darling, The Folded World, Schroder, Sea Wife, a 2020 New York Times Notable Book, and a Mark Twain American Voice Award finalist. Schroder was also a New York Times Notable Book and the best book of 2013 according to The Washington Post and The Wall Street Journal, and was shortlisted for the UK’s Folio Prize in 2014. Her work has been translated into eighteen languages. In 2018, Amity was awarded a Guggenheim Fellowship in Fiction. She lives with her family in West Hartford, Connecticut, and teaches creative writing at Yale.



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Enjoy a limited-time offer of 20% off your next book purchase at Bookshop.org!


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Normal Rules Don't Apply: Stories

Read: September 2023

Normal Rules Don’t Apply: Stories

by Kate Atkinson

Today, I commended reading Normal Rules Don’t Apply: Stories by Kate Atkinson, is a dazzling collection of eleven interconnected stories from the bestselling, award-winning author of Shrines of Gaiety and Life After Life, with everything that readers love about her novels—the inventiveness, the verbal felicity, the sharp observations on human nature, and the deeply satisfying emotional wallop.

Nothing is quite as it seems in this collection of eleven dazzling stories. We meet a queen who makes a bargain she cannot keep, a secretary who watches over the life she has just left, and a man who bets on a horse that may—or may not—have spoken to him. Everything that readers love about the novels of Kate Atkinson is here—the inventiveness, the verbal felicity, the sharp observations on human nature, and the deeply satisfying emotional wallop.

A startling and funny feast for the imagination, these stories conjure a multiverse of subtly connected worlds while illuminating the webs of chance and connection among us all.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue

Read: May 2022

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The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue

by V.E. Schwab

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab is a page-turner, and one of the rare books I have read that I wish had not ended. On the last page, I wanted the story of Addie to continue now that she had modified her deal with the dark side to save Henry Strauss. It was not that I wished Addie and Henry to reunite; it was to see how Addie’s life with Luc would continue. I recommend this book without any reservations!

Both Jan and I have always enjoyed books and movies about time travel. One of the first books I read after Jan died was The Time Travelers Wife, and now I am reading another book about time travel. If I could travel back in time, I would love to spend tens of thousands of days with her again.

But time travel is not possible. Or is it? Her spirit returns to me whenever I am paralyzed, encouraging me to dust myself off and keep going. Maybe one day we will travel together!

The Goodreads summary includes an overview.

France, 1714: in a moment of desperation, a young woman makes a Faustian bargain to live forever and is cursed to be forgotten by everyone she meets.

Thus begins the extraordinary life of Addie LaRue and a dazzling adventure that will play out across centuries and continents, across history and art, as a young woman learns how far she will go to leave her mark on the world.

But everything changes when, after nearly 300 years, Addie stumbles across a young man in a hidden bookstore, and he remembers her name.


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The Swimmers: A Novel

Read: October 2022

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The Swimmers: A Novel

by Julie Otsuka

The Swimmers: A Novel by Julie Otsuka is a novel about what happens to a group of obsessed recreational swimmers when a crack appears at the bottom of their local pool. This searing, intimate story of mothers and daughters—and the sorrows of implacable loss—is the most commanding and unforgettable work yet from a modern master. I highly recommend The Swimmers: A Novel by Julie Otsuka.

The novel was a page-turner from the first to the last page. It had been on my to-read list for months, and I am happy to start reading The Swimmers: A Novel by Julie Otsuka

Memory loss is a frightening situation for anyone. Ms. Otuska writes powerfully and eloquently about Alice’s loss of her memory. I felt as if it was one of my loved ones.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

The swimmers are unknown to one another except through their private routines (slow lane, medium lane, fast lane) and the solace each takes in their morning or afternoon laps. But when a crack appears at the bottom of the pool, they are cast out into an unforgiving world without comfort or relief.

One of these swimmers is Alice, who is slowly losing her memory. The pool was a final stand against the darkness of her encroaching dementia for Alice. Without the fellowship of other swimmers and the routine of her daily laps, she is plunged into dislocation and chaos, swept into memories of her childhood and the Japanese American incarceration camp where she spent the war. Alice’s estranged daughter, reentering her mother’s life too late, witnesses her stark and devastating decline.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Don't Be a Stranger: A Novel

Read: October 2024

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Don’t Be a Stranger: A Novel

by Susan Minot

Today, I began reading “Don’t Be a Stranger: A Novel” by Susan Minot, a captivating new work by the author of ‘Evening.’ Known for her lyrical prose and exploration of complex human relationships, Minot’s latest novel revolves around a woman involved in a love affair during midlife. It is a radiant tale that explores themes of erotic obsession, the desire for intimacy, communication, and oblivion, which will resonate with fans of Miranda July‘s ‘All Fours,’ a book I have also read.

Ivy Cooper is 52 years old when Ansel Fleming first enters her life. Twenty years her junior, a musician newly released from prison on a minor drug charge, Ansel’s beguiling good looks and quiet intensity instantly seduce her. Despite the gulf between their ages and experience, their physical chemistry is overpowering. Over the heady weeks and months that follow, Ivy finds her life bifurcated by his presence: On the surface, she is a responsible mother, managing the demands of friends, an ex-husband, and home, but emotionally, psychologically, sexually, she is consumed by desire and increasingly alive only in the stolen moments-out-of-time, with Ansel in her bed.

Don’t Be a Stranger is a gripping, sensual, and provocative work from one of the most remarkable voices in contemporary fiction.

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The Way of Integrity

Read: February 2025

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The Way of Integrity

by Martha Beck

Today, I started reading Martha Beck‘s “The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self,” a book recommended by my friend Mark. I always appreciate receiving book recommendations from friends and readers of my blog. In her self-help book, Ms. Beck asserts, “Integrity is the cure for psychological suffering. Period.” This book will be invaluable during my early period of grief. I purchased the eBook from Bookshop and plan to do so.

Bestselling author, life coach, and sociologist Martha Beck explains why “integrity”—needed now more than ever in these tumultuous times—is the key to a meaningful and joyful life. As she writes,

This book, as you may have gleaned from the title, is all about integrity. But I don’t mean this in a moralizing sense. The word integrity has taken on a slightly prim, judgmental nuance in modern English, but the word comes from the Latin integer, meaning “intact.” To be in integrity is to be one thing, whole and undivided. When a plane is in integrity, all its millions of parts work together smoothly and cooperatively. If it loses integrity, it may stall, falter, or crash. There’s no judgment here. Just physics.

In The Way of Integrity, Beck presents a four-stage process that anyone can use to find integrity, a sense of purpose, emotional healing, and a life free of mental suffering. Many issues, such as people-pleasing, staying in stale relationships, and maintaining unhealthy habits, arise from a disconnection from what truly makes us feel complete.

Inspired by The Divine Comedy, Beck uses Dante’s classic hero’s journey as a framework to break down the process of attaining personal integrity into small, manageable steps. She shows how to read the internal signals that lead us toward our true path and recognize what we yearn for versus what our culture sells us.

With techniques tested on hundreds of her clients, Beck brings her expertise as a social scientist, life coach, and human being to help readers uncover what integrity looks like in their lives. She takes us on a spiritual adventure that will change the direction of our lives and bring us to a place of genuine happiness.

Other books I have read with a similar theme, which I also recommend, include Man’s Search for Meaning, Climbing the Second Mountain, and The Pursuit of Happiness.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!


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