Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Support My Big Climb for Jan on April 20th!

I Will Climb for Jan on April 22nd!

My Apple Watch has reminded me since I moved to Apartment 3B that I am not climbing enough stairs.

I had been climbing 12 to 18 a day and now average six.

On April 22nd, two days before Jan’s birthday, I am joining The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS) in the fight to cure blood cancers by participating in Big Climb NJ!

I have accepted the challenge of climbing 26 flights of stairs to the top of One Gateway Center and raising critical funds for blood cancer research and patient support.

Can I climb 26 flights? I am not sure, but I am going to do my best!

I’m stepping up to take cancer down, and you can help me ensure that one day no one will have to die from leukemia and lymphoma!

Jan’s love will help me climb one step at a time.

Will you help me meet my fundraising goal?


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Lighting the Night to Cure Lymphoma

Last night, the Light the Night event was held in Verona Park, Verona, NJ, and I, walked in memory of Jan to help find a cure for lymphoma and leukemia.

As the hundreds of walkers collectively did the countdown to commence the walk, I wept as I wanted Jan with me as a survivor so I could walk with her as her caregiver.

Although I walked alone, Jan was with me.

Together we walked to cure blood cancers so no one would die from lymphoma one day.

The Vein of Love Endures Forever!

The Vein of Love Endures Forever!

“Richard, you will never find someone as long as you continue to wear your wedding ring,” she announced with certainty.

Jan has only been in her grave for a month…”

“You are not a young man. Every day you wait the more impossible your chances will be.”

“But I am not looking for a new bride.”

I am sure they believed they offered hope to a newly minted widow, but the pain remains as fresh as morning dew.


Our wedding rings were consequential for Jan and me.

Eight months after her lymphoma diagnosis, Jan’s hands were swelling, and her ring finger was at risk of losing the blood flowing from her heart. Our friends at Martin Jewelers removed it.

When informed that hospice care was the only choice, her tearful request was, “I want my wedding ring.”

Our oldest son went to Martin Jewelers, and they were able to resize her ring and reunite hers into one solid ring.

I replaced it on her hand when she arrived home for the last time.

When asked to remove it before the funeral, I said no. Jan wanted her ring, and it was not for me to remove it. I called Rabbi Renee to ensure that there was no reason she could not keep her wedding ring, and she said there was no reason to remove the ring.

According to The NYTimes,

The ancient Egyptians believed there was a vena amoris, Latin for a vein of love, in the left hand’s fourth finger with a direct route to the heart.

My rational mind denies a direct connection from the fourth finger to my heart.

But I am and always will be a romantic.

I believe in my heart and mind that the Orchid that bloomed last week was a reminder that Jan is still with me and always will be.

She is my Valentine today and every day!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Jan’s Wedding Ring

“I want my wedding ring,” Jan said as tears poured down her face. Less than an hour before her heartfelt request, the doctors had told her that there was nothing left that they could do for her, and she would be coming home for hospice care. She only had a few weeks left to live.

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Weird Weather

Nomehagan’s Weather Prognosticator

“It looks like we are good until April,” my fellow walker and weather prognosticator said as I petted his dog.

“I can’t beleive we got to the middle of February with only a dusting of snow,” he continued. “I raked my yard over the weekend and started preparing my garden.”

I nodded, and we both continued our walk in opposite directions.


I enjoy being able to walk without ice and snow on the ground, but I am apprehensive about the weird weather that has kept us snow-free.

If we are snow-free, how will it impact the reservoirs?

Is this one weird year or the beginning phase of a new, less human-friendly climate?

As I complete my morning perambulation, I realize that I am overdressed. Having left before sunrise when it was in the mid-thirties, I dressed for the cold. It is now mid-forties and rising.

Jan and I always wanted part of our inheritance to leave our children and grandchildren with a livable world.

All we can leave then now is our eternal love.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Spring’s First Weeping Willow Tree

Jan and I always found joy in the first sign of Spring.

Those signs could come anytime in an age of weird weather.

In Springfield and Teaneck, we had flower beds where the first daffodils would burst thru almost frozen ground to find the sun's warmth.

I often found them first but always let Jan be the first to see Spring.

This morning I saw the first yellowish hint in a weeping willow in Cranford despite freezing temperatures.

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Words Frozen in My Mouth!

Words Frozen in My Mouth!

“Congratulations! You have created the worst letter our office has ever produced,” my predecessor stated with a chuckle that did not hide his harsh critique.

I had never used a computer, as the new job’s TRS-80 was the first I had used.

My colleague stopped me before I clicked the erase button to start over. It will be OK; you will learn over time.”


Perhaps I have improved since the early 1980s, but I am still an amateur.

Until this January, I wrote at least two memories of my life with Jan each month. I have shared many of those in the Sharing Jans Love newsletter each month.

There are still stories in the recesses of my mind, but like that first experience with the TRS-80, the words do not flow from my mind to the paper.

Some might think of this as classic writer’s block, and at times I concur.

But I am still an amateur wordsmith; the stories I have written were not merely memories but stories that flowed directly onto the page.

Albeit long-form memories are obstructed, I still write shorter streams of consciousness. Most are about how I am doing now.

Even if I do not resolve this temporary crisis, my love for Jan will never die, and I will continue to share her passion with the world.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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When Richard Met Jan!

We embraced each other tightly, and our lips met in a deep and passionate kiss. It was even more intense than the sweet and lovely kisses we had already shared. I felt like I was flying, and if I hadn't worn my boots, I was sure this kiss would have knocked my socks off. This was the moment that sealed our love forever. I had always dreamed of finding true love, and now I had finally found it. Love is a beautiful thing that lasts forever and never dies.
Tu B'Shevat Seder

Tree of Life, Tree of Hope

“The trees seem smaller now than they did when I was a teneger,” Jan said as we stood in a grove of trees in the wetlands near the home where she grew up.

“Whenever I need a place to think, and dream, I came here as my parents had chosen not to plant trees in the backyard.” she said.

We had moved into her childhood home the month before. Instead of planting one or more trees, we made plans to expand the garden.


I thought about that visit to Jan’s grove of trees during Sha’arey Shalom’s Tu B’Shevat Seder, which was less than one hundred yards from Jan’s grove of trees.

The seder marks,

It is the beginning of the year for trees because it is the midpoint of winter: the strength of the cold becomes less, the majority of the year’s rains (in Israel) have fallen, and the sap of the trees starts to rise.

When I arrived home, I reviewed my notes from The Hidden Life of Trees by forester and author Peter Wohlleben.

Peter convincingly makes the case that the forest is a social network; tree parents live with their children, communicate with them, support them as they grow, share nutrients with those who are sick or struggling, and even warn each other of impending dangers.

Tree of Life, Tree of Hope, Jan is still with me and always will be.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



The Hidden Life of Trees

The Hidden Life of Trees: What They Feel, How They Communicate―Discoveries from A Secret World

Are trees social beings? In The Hidden Life of Trees, the forester and author Peter Wohlleben convincingly makes the case that, yes, the forest is a social network.

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Victory City: A Novel

Victory City: A Novel

Victory City: A Novel by Salman Rushdie is an epic tale of a woman who breathes a fantastical empire into existence, only to be consumed by it over the centuries from the transcendent imagination of Booker Prize-winning, internationally bestselling author Salman Rushdie. It is well written and was a page-turner from page one to the end. I highly recommend this novel and encourage everyone to read it.

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Wes and Jan Have the Same Smile!

Wes and Jan Have the Same Smile!

The first time Jan smiled at me, my heart melted like ice cubes on a hot, humid summer day.

While smiling at me, Jan poured wine on my head.

Despite a wine-soaked forehead, I knew I would love her forever.

Our second grandson Wes Jude Nucero was born fourteen months after Jan died.

My head may have been sweaty from the July heat, but his smile was a duplicate of Jan’s.

Wes is now seven months old!

Each day, his smile becomes more like his grandma’s and brings me peace and tranquility.

My love for Jan will never die, and Wes’s smile will remind me of her as long as I live.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Smiling Wes Won My Heart!

Today, my happy, smiling grandson, Wes Jude Nucero, is four months old!

When I met him, his smile was identical to grandma Jan's.

Both of their smiles mesmerized me.

We inherit many traits from our family, but the most precious one is our personality. Jan's gift to Wes is priceless.

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The Vein of Love Endures Forever!
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Weird Weather
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Words Frozen in My Mouth!
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The Hidden Life of Trees

Read: August 2021

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The Hidden Life of Trees

by Peter Wohlleben

The Hidden Life of Trees: What They Feel, How They Communicate ― Discoveries from A Secret World is a book I have wanted but had not had the time to read. In July of this year, when I was still in the early stages of my recovery journey, I talked to a friend of my wife’s (whom I now count as my friend) about our plans to plant a tree in Hanson Park.

As I talked about our plans, my friend suggested I read this book as it would help me understand the importance of trees. I will forever be grateful for her recommendation, as it made me read this book sooner than later.

To read that trees have a social network with more prominent, healthier trees concerned about the smaller, weaker ones. How is it that humans, a supposedly advanced species, have a social network that divides and weakens our community?

Are trees social beings? In The Hidden Life of Trees forester and author Peter Wohlleben convincingly makes the case that, yes, the forest is a social network. He draws on groundbreaking scientific discoveries to describe how trees are like human families: tree parents live together with their children, communicate with them, support them as they grow, share nutrients with those who are sick or struggling, and even warn each other of impending dangers. Wohlleben also shares his deep love of woods and forests, explaining the amazing processes of life, death, and regeneration he has observed in his woodland.

Having read this book, I am more sensitive to trees and have enjoyed my walks more than ever. In addition, when we plant Jan’s tree in Hanson Park, I will now have even more reasons to talk about the importance of trees to Jan, myself, and the community.

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Tu B'Shevat Seder
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Victory City: A Novel

Read: February 2023

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Victory City: A Novel

by Salman Rushdie

Victory City: A Novel by Salman Rushdie is an epic tale of a woman who breathes a fantastical empire into existence, only to be consumed by it over the centuries from the transcendent imagination of Booker Prize-winning, internationally bestselling author Salman Rushdie. It is well written and was a page-turner from page one to the end. I highly recommend this novel and encourage everyone to read it.

Brilliantly styled as a translation of an ancient epic, this is a saga of love, adventure, and myth that is a testament to storytelling’s power. After witnessing her mother’s death, the grief-stricken Pampa Kampana becomes a vessel for the goddess Parvati, who begins to speak out of the girl’s mouth. I was hooked when Pampa Kampana provided the seeds that created Victory City out of thin air.

David Remnick’s interview with Salman Rushdie in The New Yorker provided background I would have missed.

“The first kings of Vijayanagara announced, quite seriously, that they were descended from the moon,” Rushdie said. “So when these kings, Harihara and Bukka, announce that they’re members of the lunar dynasty, they’re associating themselves with those great heroes. It’s like saying, ‘I’ve descended from the same family as Achilles.’ Or Agamemnon. And so I thought, Well, if you could say that, I can say anything.”

Above all, the book is buoyed by the character of Pampa Kampana, who, Rushdie says, “just showed up in my head” and gave him his story, his sense of direction. Rushdie’s pleasure in writing the novel was in “world building” and, at the same time, writing about a character building that world: “It’s me doing it, but it’s also her doing it.” The pleasure is infectious. “Victory City” is an immensely enjoyable novel. It is also an affirmation. At the end, with the great city in ruins, what is left is not the storyteller but her words:

I, Pampa Kampana, am the author of this book.
I have lived to see an empire rise and fall.
How are they remembered now, these kings, these queens?
They exist now only in words . . .
I myself am nothing now. All that remains is this city of words.
Words are the only victors.

The Goodreads summary provides a brief overview,

In the wake of an insignificant battle between two long-forgotten kingdoms in fourteenth-century southern India, a nine-year-old girl has a divine encounter that will change the course of history. After witnessing her mother’s death, the grief-stricken Pampa Kampana becomes a vessel for the goddess Parvati, who begins to speak out of the girl’s mouth. Granting her powers beyond Pampa Kampana’s comprehension, the goddess tells her that she will be instrumental in the rise of a great city called Bisnaga–literally victory city–the wonder of the world.

Over the next two hundred and fifty years, Pampa Kampana’s life becomes deeply interwoven with Bisnaga’s, from its literal sowing out of a bag of magic seeds to its tragic ruination in the most human of ways: the hubris of those in power. Whispering Bisnaga and its citizens into existence, Pampa Kampana attempts to make good on Parvati’s task: giving women equal agency in a patriarchal world. But all stories have a way of getting away from their creator, and Bisnaga is no exception. As years pass, rulers come and go, battles are won and lost, and allegiances shift, the very fabric of Bisnaga becomes an ever more complex tapestry–with Pampa Kampana at its center.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Wes and Jan Have the Same Smile!
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My Friend, I Care

Read: August 2021

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My Friend, I Care: The Grief Experience

by Barbara Karnes RN

My journey from the Island of Grief back to the Land of Love is long and arduous. Friends, especially those who have also lost a loved one, are the guideposts on this journey. One of these friends, Sue Gramacy, sent this book to me during the early phases of my grief journey.

My Friend, I Care: The Grief Experience may be one of the shortest books I have ever read, but it is also one that has been most helpful. Barbara Karnes, RN, provides a concise understanding of grief, and she includes a list of dos and don’ts that are very helpful to someone who has recently lost the love of their life.

She provides a compelling explanation of the new life that we all must strive to achieve.

Our inability to further enjoy life does not measure our loss. The quality of our relationship with the person who has died is found in our strength, our resilience and our ability to create a new and meaningful life.

The endpoint of my journey is a new and meaningful life. This book has helped remind me that it is an achievable goal.

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Lucy by the Sea: A Novel

Read: November 2022

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Lucy by the Sea: A Novel

by Elizabeth Strout

Lucy by the Sea: A Novel by Elizabeth Strout is a poignant, pitch-perfect novel about a divorced couple stuck together during lockdown–and the love, loss, despair, and hope that animate us even as the world seems to be falling apart. Having lost Jan during Covid, I was apprehensive about reading this book. However, it was not only a page-turner but also a novel that gave me a new perspective on loss which helped me manage my grief.

With her trademark spare, crystalline prose, Elizabeth Strout turns her exquisitely tuned eye to the inner workings of the human heart, following the indomitable heroine of My Name Is Lucy Barton through the early days of the pandemic.

I highlighted several passages that specifically spoke to me.

We all live with people—and places—and things—that we have given great weight to. But we are weightless, in the end.

Who knows why people are different? We are born with a certain nature, I think. And then the world takes its swings at us.

It has been said that the second year of widowhood is worse than the first—the idea being, I think, that the shock has worn off and now one has to live with the loss, and I had been finding that to be true, even before I came to Maine with William. But now there were times I felt that I was just learning of David’s death again for the first time. And I would be privately staggered by grief. And to be in this place where David had never been (!)—I was really dislocated is what I mean.

And I also understood: Grief is a private thing. God, is it a private thing.

We are all in lockdown, all the time. We just don’t know it, that’s all. But we do the best we can. Most of us are just trying to get through.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

As a panicked world goes into lockdown, Lucy Barton is uprooted from her life in Manhattan and bundled away to a small town in Maine by her ex-husband and on-again, off-again friend, William. For the next several months, it’s just Lucy, William, and their complex past together in a little house nestled against the moody, swirling sea.

Rich with empathy and emotion, Lucy by the Sea vividly captures the fear and struggles that come with isolation, as well as the hope, peace, and possibilities that those long, quiet days can inspire. At the heart of this story are the deep human connections that unite us even when we’re apart–the pain of a beloved daughter’s suffering, the emptiness that comes from the death of a loved one, the promise of a new friendship, and the comfort of an old, enduring love.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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Tenth of December: Stories

Read: July 2024

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Tenth of December: Stories

by George Saunders

One of the most important and blazingly original writers of his generation, George Saunders, is an undisputed master of the short story. Tenth of December is his most honest, accessible, and moving collection yet. It is one of the New York Times’ 100 Best Books of the Century. The book is structured as a collection of short stories, each offering a unique and compelling narrative.

In the taut opener, “Victory Lap,” a boy witnesses the attempted abduction of the girl next door and is faced with a harrowing choice: Does he ignore what he sees or override years of smothering advice from his parents and act?

In “Home,” a combat-damaged soldier moves back in with his mother and struggles to reconcile the world he left with the one to which he has returned.

In the title story, a stunning meditation on imagination, memory, and loss, a middle-aged cancer patient walks into the woods to commit suicide, only to encounter a troubled young boy who, throughout a fateful morning, gives the dying man a final chance to recall who he is.

An unfortunate, deluded owner of an antique store; two mothers struggling to do the right thing; a teenage girl whose idealism is challenged by a brutal brush with reality; a man tormented by a series of pharmaceutical experiments that force him to lust, to love, to kill—the unforgettable characters that populate the pages of Tenth of December are vividly and lovingly infused with Saunders’s signature blend of exuberant prose, deep humanity, and stylistic innovation.

Writing brilliantly and profoundly about class, sex, love, loss, work, despair, and war, Saunders cuts to the core of the contemporary experience. These stories take on the big questions and explore the fault lines of our morality, delving into what makes us suitable and what makes us human. They are not just stories but profound explorations that will stimulate your intellect and make you ponder.

Unsettling, insightful, and hilarious, the stories in Tenth of December—through their manic energy, their focus on what is redeemable in human beings, and their generosity of spirit—not only entertain and delight but also fulfill Chekhov’s dictum that art should “prepare us for tenderness.” The humor in these stories will keep you entertained and laughing, even as they delve into profound themes.

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Checkout 19: A Novel

Read: December 2022

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Checkout 19: A Novel

by Claire-Louise Bennett

Checkout 19: A Novel by Claire-Louise Bennett, a New York Times Best Ten Best Books of 2022; the newspaper highlights the novel’s “unusual setting: the human mind — a brilliant, surprising, weird and very funny one. All the words one might use to describe this book — experimental, autofictional, surrealist — fail to convey the sheer pleasure of ‘Checkout 19.'” I fully agree with this description and found myself living in my mind.

Since Jan died in May of 2021, I have found myself with no one to talk to about the day-to-day events that consume so much of our lives. Checkout 19: A Novel reminded me that I have only been carrying those intimate conversations in my mind. Is it surreal? Yes. Yes, it is. Reading this novel helped me to accept the importance of those conversations. The new characters and scenarios I conjure are less creative than Ms. Claire-Louise Bennett’s

Goodreads describes Checkout 19: A Novel as the adventures of a young woman discovering her genius through the people she meets–and dreams up–along the way. Checkout 19 is a radical affirmation of the power of the imagination, and the magic escapes those who master it open to us all.

I recommend this book.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

In a working-class town in a county west of London, a schoolgirl scribbles stories in the back pages of her exercise book, intoxicated by the first sparks of her imagination. As she grows, everything and everyone she encounters become fuel for a burning talent. The large Russian man in the ancient maroon car who careens around the grocery store where she works as a checkout clerk, and slips her a copy of Beyond Good and Evil. The growing heaps of other books in which she loses-and finds-herself. Even the derailing of a friendship, in a devastating violation. The thrill of learning to conjure characters and scenarios in her head is matched by the exhilaration of forging her own way in the world, the two kinds of ingenuity kindling to a brilliant conflagration.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Sorrow Apartments

Read: June 2024

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The Sorrow Apartments

by Andrea Cohen

Today, I explored “The Sorrow Apartments,” the eighth collection of poems by poet Andrea Cohen. Renowned poet Christian Wiman accurately describes Cohen’s work as a “cumulative force,” showcasing her deep attention, genuine intelligence, and soul. Cohen’s distinctive talents are featured in this collection, complemented by her characteristic sly humor, unwavering conciseness, and surprising moments of profound wisdom.

It’s astonishing how swiftly Cohen transports us:

Bunker

What would I
think, coming

up after
my world

had evaporated?
I’d wish

I were water.

The Sorrow Apartments house a collection of sparse and haunting poetry, each piece a captivating narrative of mystery, grief, and awe. These poems transport us not just across time but also through a spectrum of emotions. Cohen’s unique approach to illumination is evident in “Acapulco,” where an unanticipated companion muses, “as men tend to, / the stars comprising Orion’s belt — / as if it were the lustrous sparks and not / the leveling dark that connects us.” For a poet often deemed unfashionable, Cohen’s work proves that unfashionable can be beautiful.

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Monkey Grip: A Novel

Read: February 2024

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Monkey Grip: A Novel

by Helen Garner

Today, I began reading Monkey Grip: A Novel by Helen Garner. It’s a book that launched the career of one of Australia’s most celebrated writers. The story follows the infatuations of a young, single mother fascinated by the excesses of Melbourne’s late-70s counterculture. Monkey Grip is a seminal novel about Australia’s turbulent 1970s, including communal households, music, friendships, children, love, drugs, and sex.

Helen Garner is a renowned novelist, short-story writer, and journalist. She’s best known for her frank, unsparing, and intricate portrayals of Australian life, often drawn from the pages of her journals and diaries. A new US edition of her debut novel, which establishes Garner’s masterful and quietly radical literary voice, is now available.

The novel is set in Australia during the late 1970s and tells the story of Nora, a single mother and writer. Nora navigates Melbourne’s bohemian underground with her young daughter, Gracie, in tow. Nora falls in love with Javo, a flighty man trapped in his addiction. As their relationship disintegrates, Nora struggles to wean off a love that feels impossible to live without.

When Monkey Grip was first published in 1977, it caused a sensation. Critics praised Garner for her craft, but many criticized her gritty depictions of the human body, frankness about sex and drugs, the mess of motherhood, and her unabashed use of her own life as inspiration. Today, such criticism feels old-fashioned and glaringly gendered, and Monkey Grip is considered a modern masterpiece.

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