Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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The Awesome Power of Love

The Awesome Power of Love

Jan is With Me and Always Will Be

I’ve been busy promoting Jan’s Garden in Hanson Park on social media and through texts and emails now that the final planting has been completed. Witnessing all the positive responses has lifted my spirits!

Recently, I shared the project with a friend who owns a nearby restaurant. He showed interest in contributing or planting something to honor Jan’s memory. I’m still finalizing the details of their involvement, but I’ll share what they plan to do once everything is set.

Jan and I have always hoped for this kind of collaboration. It reminds me of the story of Stone Soup, where everyone contributes what they can to achieve a common goal. It’s a powerful reminder of the importance of unity and working together.

When Jan was diagnosed with lymphoma, we continued as best we could to contribute our time, talent, and resources to build strong and healthy communities. As her cancer took more of our time, we found comfort in Merritt Malloy‘s poem Epitaph. It helped us process her death while staying true to our values.

The poem’s last stanza has been my guide,

Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.

Sharing Jan’s love through the garden and the people whose lives she touched has been incredibly fulfilling and has helped me manage my grief.

I’ve also been inspired by Viktor E. Frankl‘s observation that “love is the ultimate goal in life.” Jan’s love will continue to live on through the garden and in my heart, inspiring me daily.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Happy Birthday, Jan!

Last year, more than one hundred friends joined our family, and the Hanson Park Conservancy volunteers to celebrate her life as we dedicated and broke ground on Jan's memorial garden.

Before the end of this week, the memorial garden will be completed!

My family and I will be forever grateful to all the friends who have helped make this dream a reality.

Although I will always miss Jan, her love, which transformed my life and others, will never die.

By Sharing Jan's Love, I Live Fully and Interdepently!

They Know My Name!

By Sharing Jan's Love, I Live Fully and Interdepently!

“Excuse me, who handles Mr. Brown’s order?”

As I approached the deli counter at the Garwood Shoprite, I awaited my turn to inform the manager, Therese, of my name. However, I overheard her inquiring about my order before I could speak. Did she already know me?

Who has Richard Brown‘s order?” Therese called out.

Therese had already memorized my name!

John is working on your order now,” she announced.

I always show my gratitude to Therese as I retrieve my order.


Since the passing of my spouse, Jan, my circle of acquaintances has expanded and diversified.

Jan had always been worried about my limited social life as we grew older. She had more friends than I had and feared I would be lost in retirement.

Since the end of the COVID pandemic, I have been shopping on my own, so they have no idea whether I am single, married, or widowed. Nowadays, I have established more casual relationships, such as with the deli counter staff. Although they are always busy, I have tried to be friendly and patient with them.

Apart from my close friends who knew me when Jan was alive, people don’t identify me as a widow. They see me as a neighbor, a friend, or someone who enjoys walking. However, I always carry Jan’s memory with me and continue to share her love.

It’s incredible how every step I take seems to impact the world, all thanks to sharing Jan’s love. It’s like a domino effect, where each action creates a chain reaction. When more people unite and work towards a common goal, the ripples become waves, altering life’s fabric. Witnessing what can be achieved when we work in unison is truly awe-inspiring!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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My Community Mesh Network

Seamlessly moving between these communities strengthens each one and makes me healthier. Everyone should consider creating community mesh networks. My multi-community mesh network has been a lifesaver throughout my grief journey.

Although it cannot replace what I lost, it allows me to bring my loved one's spirit into my new life and share her love with everyone.

Jan and her Orchid!

Happy Birthday, Jan!

Jan's Transformative Love Will Never Die!

I woke up at half past five, as I have for the last third of a century.

“Happy Birthday, my love,” I announced while my eyes adjusted to the dim light of the new day.

My eyes turned to Jan’s side of the bed and realized that no one was there.

Looking at the Peace Lllly, I accepted that I was alone. I was tempted to rotate the plant to see the blooms, but I chose not to out of concern that the plant might end up on the floor.

Stumbling into my kitchen, I accepted that this would be the second Birthday since 1974 that I would celebrate without the love of my life.

Two year’s ago, at the end of hospice, I wished her a happy birthday, but I am not sure she heard me.

Last year, more than one hundred friends joined our family and the Hanson Park Conservancy volunteers to celebrate her life as we dedicated and broke ground on Jan’s memorial garden. Although it was the day after Jan’s Birthday, the final planting and mulching of Jan’s Memorial Garden was completed on April 25, 2023. The short video provides an overview of the garden.

What began as a desire to plant a tree to honor Jan has become a living memorial.

  1. One hundred seventy-three friends donated to purchase two memorial benches,
  2. Working with the Hanson Park Conservancy, we transformed the triangular garden at the entrance by adding flower beds and a wind sculpture for meditation, contemplation, and dreams,
  3. The final cost of the two benches was less than what was raised, and
  4. The balance was used to establish the Jan Lilien Education Fund, which will sponsor ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs.

My family and I will be forever grateful to all the friends who have helped make this dream a reality.

Although I will always miss Jan, her love, which transformed my life and others, will never die.

Happy Birthday to the love of my life!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Jan’s Memorial Garden

Working with the Hanson Park Conservancy, we have taken significant steps in building Jan's Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park including installing the Wind Sculpture.

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Take Down Cancer

I Completed LLS’s Big Climb NJ 2023!

Jan's Love Never Dies!

This morning, I completed Big Climb NJ 2023, sponsored by The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS).

I climbed to the top of the twenty-six-story Gateway Center in Newark for Jan, the love of my life, and all those diagnosed with blood cancer.

My Apple Watch said I reached the summit of this year’s Big Climb in 8 minutes and 18 seconds. RaceWire, the official timekeeper, indicated I completed the stair climb in 7 minutes and 44 seconds and was 186th of 341 participants.

Each time my knees ached, I remembered how difficult it was for Jan to climb one step when we lived in the duplex apartment.

Any difficulty I felt is minor compared to Jan’s pain or the fear experienced by those diagnosed every nine minutes with blood cancer.

I was surprised by how emotional I felt when I took the train to Newark.

While registering and picking up my T-shirt, I wiped tears off my face.

Every ounce of my body and soul wanted Jan to climb with me as a survivor.

Being Earth Day made the climb more critical. If we are going to cure cancer, we need a healthy environment.

I climbed both for Jan to celebrate her seventy-third birthday and to step up to take down cancer by helping to find a cure for blood diseases.

I could not have climbed to the top without Jan’s love, support, and encouragement!

In addition, my family and overlapping community networks, faith, neighbors, fellow widows, friends, and more helped me during my grief journey. Without their support, I could not have climbed even one step.


It is still possible to donate to help cure cancer. Every dollar will help LLS find a cure for cancer.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



I Will Climb for Jan on April 22nd!

On April 22nd, two days before Jan's birthday, I am joining The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS) in the fight to cure blood cancers by participating in Big Climb NJ!

I have accepted the challenge of climbing 26 flights of stairs to the top of One Gateway Center and raising critical funds for blood cancer research and patient support.

I'm stepping up to take cancer down, and you can help me ensure that one day no one will have to die from leukemia and lymphoma!

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Non-Linear-Time

Phantom Tapping of Jan’s Shoes

Jan Is With Me Now and Forever!

“Hi honey, I did not want to wake you. The meeting ran later than I expected,” Jan said, the soft tapping of high-heel shoes on the wooden floor waking my sleepy body.

Still groggy, I tossed back the bed coverings and stood by the side of the bed, trying to shake off the sleep.

It looks like you are happy to see me,” Jan said with a wink, and I blushed, unable to respond with more than a smile.

“Go back to bed, sweetheart. I will join you in a minute,” Jan said, and I shook my head negatively.

Rubbing my sleepy eyes, I responded, “I am so happy to see you…” Suddenly, the bedroom became quieter, darker, and colder.

Realizing I was alone, I slipped back into bed. Pulling the sheets over my head, I accepted that it was not a dream but another example of time’s non-linear nature.


I rarely dream at night as I am a dreamer of the day because I could act on the “dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.”

If I ever dreamed at night, my insomnia eliminated my nighttime imagination. As T.E. Lawrence said, “Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity.”

However, the phantom tapping of the shoes seemed more accurate than my heartbeat. Yes, it was vanity. It also reminds us that our love will never die because Jan is with me now and forever.

Jan’s love transformed my life and will guide me on this last portion of my grief journey.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Widow Time is Non-Linear

As much as it might have appeared that I was in a dark tunnel after Jan died, I was not and am not now. There is indeed no defined end to the grief journey.

We all must learn how to live without our loved ones. The one I have chosen may not work for anyone else.

Because of how time-warped, Nell was confident that "Tig isn't exactly gone."

When I write about how Jan and I met and married, I think the same way Nell feels about Tig. Jan is not exactly gone, and I know she is still with me and always will be with me.

Grief has been an outstanding teacher, and it has taught me to live life fully.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

The Awesome Power of Love
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By Sharing Jan's Love, I Live Fully and Interdepently!
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Commitment: A novel

Read: April 2023

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Commitment: A Novel

by Mona Simpson

The novel Commitment by Mona Simpson delves into the complexities of family and duty when a parent falls ill. It sheds light on the significant impact of untreated mental health crises and highlights the under-appreciated role of friends in shaping the lives of children left to their own devices.

A hardworking single mother, Diane Aziz falls into a deep depression after dropping off her oldest son, Walter, at college. Despite her struggles, her closest friend is vital in keeping the family together and their mother’s dreams alive.

This is a story of one family’s struggle to navigate the crisis of their lives, a struggle that may resonate with many readers. Walter discovers a newfound passion for architecture, but financial struggles threaten his academic pursuits. Meanwhile, Lina fights to attend an Ivy League school, and Donny, the youngest sibling, battles a dangerous drug addiction.

As someone with different personal experiences, I still found Commitment to affirm the importance of biological and chosen families.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Jan and her Orchid!
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Take Down Cancer
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Non-Linear-Time
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Camp Zero

Read: April 2023

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Camp Zero: A Novel

by Michelle Min Sterling

I recently read an incredible novel called Camp Zero by Michelle Min Sterling. The book tells the story of several climate change survivors in a near-future northern settlement and explores the intersection of gender, class, and migration. The novel is a page-turner and a masterful exploration of who and what will survive in a warming world.

The story follows Rose, a young woman who agrees to spy on the architect of an American building project in exchange for housing. She arrives at the same time as Grant, a college professor who is trying to escape his wealthy family’s dark legacy. As they begin to investigate the mysterious architect, they uncover a disturbing mystery lurking beneath the surface of the camp.

One of the most fascinating aspects of the novel is the inclusion of an elite group of women soldiers living and working at a nearby Cold War-era climate research station. The rumors surrounding their presence add more intrigue to an already compelling story.

If you’re looking for a captivating novel that will keep you on the edge of your seat, I highly recommend Camp Zero. The book is a mesmerizing and transportive read, perfect for fans of Station Eleven and The Power.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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The Immortal Irishman

Read: October 2019

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The Immortal Irishman

by Timothy Egan

 

The Immortal Irishman: The Irish Revolutionary Who Became an American Hero by Timothy Egan is a book I started reading as The Worst Hard Timesincluded the first fifty pages.

I often only read a few pages and then return the book to the e-library. The Immortal Irishman was not the case, and I could not stop reading and borrowed the book immediately.

I had never heard of Thomas Francis Meagher or his life in Ireland or America. The story was fascinating, unique, and essential.

The Irish-American story, with all its twists and triumphs, is told through the improbable life of one man. A dashing young orator during the Great Famine of the 1840s, in which a million of his Irish countrymen died, Thomas Francis Meagher led a failed uprising against British rule, for which he was banished to a Tasmanian prison colony. He escaped and six months later was heralded in the streets of New York – the revolutionary hero, back from the dead, at the dawn of the great Irish immigration to America.

Meagher’s rebirth in America included his leading the newly formed Irish Brigade from New York in many of the fiercest battles of the Civil War – Bull Run, Antietam, Fredericksburg. Twice shot from his horse while leading charges, left for dead in the Virginia mud, Meagher’s dream was that Irish-American troops, seasoned by war, would return to Ireland and liberate their homeland from British rule.

The hero’s last chapter, as territorial governor of Montana, was a romantic quest for a true home in the far frontier. His death has long been a mystery to which Egan brings haunting, colorful new evidence.

I recommend this book.

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Ahab's Wife: Or, The Star-gazer: A Novel

Read: August 2021

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Ahab’s Wife: Or, The Star-gazer

by Sena Jeter Naslund

Ahab’s Wife: Or, The Star-gazer by Sena Jeter Naslund is a book I could not put down once I finished the first chapter. “Captain Ahab was neither my first husband nor my last.” is one of the most-recognized first sentences in literature–along with “Call me Ishmael.”

Sena Jeter Naslund has created a transcendent heroine – Una Spenser – who is as memorable as Ahab. Una’s universe spans a time that begins to redefine both women and men.

After a spellbinding opening scene, the tale flashes back to Una’s childhood in Kentucky; her idyllic adolescence with her aunt and uncle’s family at a lighthouse near New Bedford; her adventures disguised as a cabin boy on a whaling ship; her first marriage to a fellow survivor who descends into violent madness; courtship and marriage to Ahab; life as mother and a rich captain’s wife in Nantucket; involvement with Frederick Douglass; and a man who is in Nantucket researching his novel about his adventures on her ex-husband’s ship.

Ahab’s Wife is a breathtaking, magnificent, and uplifting story of one woman’s spiritual journey, informed by the spirit of the greatest American novel, but taking it beyond tragedy to redemptive triumph.

Having read this book, I can easily understand why my wife loved the book and encouraged me to read it. Her life story was much like Una’s, an uplifting story of her spiritual journey and her quest to repair the world.

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Reunion: A Novel

Read: June 2024

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Reunion: A Novel

by Elise Juska

Today, I immersed myself in the distinct world of Reunion: A Novel by Elise Juska. This enthralling narrative, crafted by the esteemed author of The Blessings, transports us alongside three middle-aged friends as they live during a college reunion in coastal Maine. Reunion, my forty-eighth read this year and my 250th since January 15, 2019, stands out for its compelling storytelling.

It’s June 2021, and three old college friends are heading to New England for the twenty-fifth reunion that was delayed the year before. Hope, a stay-at-home mom, is desperate to return to her beloved campus, a reprieve from her tense marriage and the stresses of pandemic parenting. Adam hesitates to leave his rustic but secluded life with his wife and young sons. Single mother Polly hasn’t been back to campus in more than twenty years and has no interest in returning—but changes her mind when her struggling teenage son suggests a road trip.

Yet, the reunion takes an unforeseen path, shattering their preconceptions. Hope, renowned for her sunny outlook, is forced to confront the harsh realities of her life and the fractures in her friendships. Adam embarks on a journey of self-discovery, reigniting the spirit of his carefree contrast to his current responsibilities. A single mother, Polly is compelled to face the shadows of her past,  youth, and a stark, long-kept secret. As the weekend takes a dramatic turn, all three are pushed to confront their past and its implications for the future, leading to profound personal transformation.

Beautifully observed and insightful, Reunion is a page-turning novel about the highs and lows of friendship from a writer at the height of her powers. Elise Juska’s skill in portraying the intricate dynamics of friendship will leave you intrigued and wanting more.

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The Midnight Bargain

Read: February 2022

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The Midnight Bargain

by C.L. Polk

The Midnight Bargain by C.L. Polk is about Beatrice Clayborn, a sorceress, who was the next book to read. She practices magic in secret, terrified of being locked into a marital collar that will cut off her powers to protect her unborn children. She dreams of becoming a full-fledged Magus and pursuing magic as her calling as men do. Still, her family has staked everything to equip her for Bargaining Season, when young men and women of means descend upon the city to negotiate the best marriages. The Clayborn’s are in severe debt, and only she can save them by securing a good match before their creditors call.

In a stroke of luck, Beatrice finds a grimoire that contains the key to becoming a Magus, but before she can purchase it, a rival sorceress swindles the book right out of her hands. Beatrice summons a spirit to help her get it back, but her new ally exacts a price: Beatrice’s first kiss . . . with her adversary’s brother, the handsome, compassionate, and fabulously wealthy Ianthe Lavan.

The more Beatrice is entangled with the Lavan siblings, the harder her decision becomes: If she casts the spell to become a Magus, she will devastate her family and lose the only man to ever see her for who she is, but if she marries—even for love—she will sacrifice her magic, her identity, and her dreams. But how can she choose just one, knowing she will forever regret the path not taken?

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The Surgeon's Daughter

Read: July 2022

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The Surgeon’s Daughter

by Audrey Blake

I did something I had not done in decades. After finishing the Big Library Read of 2022, The Girl in His Shadow, by Audrey Blake, I immediately started reading the sequel, The Surgeon’s Daughter. The protagonist, Nora Beady, was such a strong female lead that I could not wait to find out what happened next. In the sequel, Nora Beady, the only female student at a prestigious medical school in Bologna, is a rarity. Nora’s tenacity and passion reminded me of Jan, the love of my life.

In the 19th century, women were supposed to remain at home and raise children, so her unconventional, indelicate ambitions to become a licensed surgeon offended the men around her.

Ms. Blake has a split personality— because she is the creative alter ego of writing duo Jaima Fixsen and Regina Sirois, two authors who met as finalists of a writing contest and have been writing together happily ever since.

The pen name – Audrey Blake – was in response to the publishers recommending a more straightforward author’s name. Regina’s daughter is named Audrey, and Jaima’s son is Blake.

The Surgeon’s Daughter is the forty-fourth book I have read this year and the ninety-ninth since the beginning of 2019. My Goodreads goal for 2022 was twenty-two books.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Under constant scrutiny, Nora’s successes are taken for granted; her mistakes used as proof that women aren’t suited to the field.

Everything changes when she allies herself with Magdalena Morenco, the sole female doctor on-staff. Together the two women develop new techniques to improve a groundbreaking surgery: the Cesarean section. It’s a highly dangerous procedure and the research is grueling, but even worse is the vitriolic response from men. Most don’t trust the findings of women, and many can choose to deny their wives medical care.

Already facing resistance on all sides, Nora is shaken when she meets a patient who will die without the surgery. If the procedure is successful, her work could change the world. But a failure could cost everything: precious lives, Nora’s career, and the role women will be allowed to play in medicine.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Amen Effect

Read: March 2025

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The Amen Effect

by Sharon Brous

Sharon Brous, a prominent American rabbi, argues in The Amen Effect: Ancient Wisdom to Heal Our Hearts and Mend Our Broken World that the essential spiritual work of our time—though instinctual and often countercultural—focuses on connecting through celebration, sorrow and solidarity. We must support each other in times of joy and pain, embrace vulnerability and possibility, nurture relationships with shared purposes, and create communities centered on care.

From one of our country’s most prominent rabbis, this is an inspiring book about the power of community based on one of her most impactful sermons. What will it take to mend our broken hearts and rebuild our society in a time of loneliness, isolation, social rupture, and alienation?

Brous contends that honoring our most basic human instinct—the yearning for authentic connection—is the way to reawaken our shared humanity and begin to heal. This kind of sacred presence is captured by the word amen, a powerful ancient idea that we affirm the fullness of one another’s experience by demonstrating, in body and word: “I see you. You are not alone.”

An acclaimed preacher and storyteller, Brous pairs heart-driven anecdotes from her experience building and pastoring to a leading-edge faith community over the past two decades with ancient Jewish wisdom and contemporary science. The result is a clarion call: the sense of belonging engendered by our genuine presence is a social and biological need and a moral and spiritual necessity.

With original insights and practical tools, The Amen Effect translates foundational ideas into simple practices that connect us to our better angels, offering a blueprint for a more meaningful life and a more connected and caring world.

As she writes in the preface, after listing the joys and pains of life, weddings, births, and death,

It’s in these times that I feel the weight of the work, the privilege of being alive, the blessing of being so close to such raw beauty and pain. It’s there that I have learned the power of saying ‘Amen‘ to one another’s grief and joy, sorrow and celebration with our very presence. Of bearing witness to profound suffering and protesting injustice with our very presence. Of comforting and consoling, surviving and thriving with our very presence. What I’ve learned, during the years, is the meaning of sacred companionship. I have seen, in ways subtle and pronounced, a longing to connect with others who can help hold the pain, a need to share what we’ve learned in the trenches, and a desire to give, even when we ourselves have barely caught our breath. And I have seen how knowing that we’re not alone can both heighten our joy and help us endure unimaginable hardship.

Click here to read about my experience listening to Rabbi Brous at the Kol Tzedek Speakers Series at Temple Emanu-El in Westfield.


Sharon Brous is the senior and founding rabbi of IKAR, a leading-edge Jewish community based in Los Angeles, and the author of The Amen Effect: Ancient Wisdom to Heal Our Hearts and Mend Our Broken World, a national bestseller.

In 2013, Brous blessed President Obama, and Vice President Biden at the Inaugural National Prayer Service, and in 2021 returned to bless President Biden and Vice President Harris and then led the White House Passover Seder 2021 and the Hanukkah candle lighting with the Vice President and Second Gentleman in 2023. She was ranked as the number one most influential Rabbi in America by Newsweek/The Daily Beast. She has also been recognized by The Forward and the Jerusalem Post as one of the most influential Jews alive today. Her work has appeared in prominent publications such as The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, and The Washington Post. Additionally, her TED talk, “Reclaiming Religion,” has been viewed by over 1.5 million people.

Brous is in the inaugural cohort of Auburn Seminary’s Senior Fellows program, which unites top faith leaders working on the frontlines for justice. She sits on the faculty of REBOOT and serves on the International Council of the New Israel Fund and the national steering committee for the Poor People’s Campaign.

A Columbia University graduate (both undergraduate and M.A. in Human Rights), she was ordained by the Jewish Theological Seminary and lives in Los Angeles with her husband and children.


 

 



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