Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Jan and her Orchid!

The Peace Lilly of Love!

No Green Thumb But Flowers Bloom With Jan's Love!

The Peace Lilly of Love!

The Peace Lilly of Love!

“You are overwatering the plants,” Jan declared.

Her comment baffled me, as I had only watered them once while she was in the hospital for the last two weeks.

I apologized and promised to do better.

“Why are you apologizing?”

Because I did not take care of the plants.

Turning on the faucet, I filled up the watering can.

“Do not worry about the plants; I need your help to get upstairs.”


I have always liked flowering plants and wanted to believe that Jan was not the only one with a green thumb.

Thanks to my friend Deb, I took a giant step toward making Apartment 3B my home last September!

With Deb’s guidance and commitment to care for the plants, an Orchid Jan received twenty-two months ago while in the hospital bloomed for the first time in February.

I was surprised that my Peace Lilly bloomed last week.

Jan and the Peace Lilly are the last things I see at night and the first things I see in the morning. It is on a bookcase by my bed next to a photo of the love of my life.

I have accepted I will never be a master gardener, but Jan is still with me now, and her love will ensure that the plants thrive and bloom forever.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Flowers Convert 3B Into a Home

Thanks to my friend Deb, I have made a giant step in making Apartment 3B my home! Deb, a master gardener and a member of the Hanson Park Conservancy and the Green Thumb Garden Club, helped me select the plants, and she re-potted them.

Show thread (2)

Faith is All I Needed!

Conversion or Status Quo

Am I Already Jewish, or Can I Become Closer to God?

Jon Brown Bar Mitzvah January 15, 1994

Jon Brown’s Bar Mitzvah was held on January 15, 1994. In the photo are (left to right) Richard W. Brown, Rabbi Darnov, Jon Brown, Jan Lilien, and in front, Mike Brown.“Richard, I have a question.”

“Richard, I have a question,” the woman at the table said.

I nodded, waiting for her to continue.

Jan was Jewish, but you are not,” she explained.

I nodded again, acknowledging her statement.

What faith were your parents? Do you plan to convert?” she asked.

My parents were Methodist. I have often thought about converting,” I shared. For almost forty years, I have been attending only Jewish services. Conversion is a more pressing issue as I want to be buried next to Jan, and not converting might prevent that.”

She and the others at the table listened as I explained my thoughts and concerns about converting.

“If you converted, what would be involved?” she asked.

I gave her a detailed answer based on what I had learned from Rabbi Renee.

The conversation continued, with everyone at the table sharing their thoughts and opinions.

Reflecting on the conversation later, I wondered if my faith was enough to bring me closer to God or if I needed to convert.

Quan Barry once wrote, “Sometimes faith is the only medicine available.”

My unwavering faith in God has comforted me in tough times. Since Jan’s passing, it has been vital to my well-being.

Yet, I still pondered if it was sufficient.

My heart was confident that with Jan’s love and my faith, I would eventually make the right choice.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Faith is All I Needed!

I have faced many challenges in my lifetime, but losing my beloved was the most difficult one. Thankfully, Rabbi Dr. Renee Edelman offered me guidance and support, which gave me hope and taught me how to live life to the fullest, even after my loss.

Throughout my life, faith has been my guiding force. It has empowered me to persevere through challenges and achieve personal growth. As a result, I have embraced life to the fullest, cherished meaningful relationships, and strived to impact the world around me positively.

A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness

A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness

I recently discovered an excellent short story collection called A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness: Stories by Jai Chakrabarti. This author won the National Jewish Book Award for debut fiction with his novel A Play for the End of the World, and it is clear that his talent extends to the short story form as well.

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Intense Pollinosis Stymies Spring

Intense Pollinosis Stymies Spring

Jan's Last Gift Continues Giving Me Hay Fever

“All I have in stock is Claritan D, 24-hour.”

Standing at the counter of Baron Drugs after a 7.88-mile walk, I said I would take the package.

My eyes felt like I was underwater, and my nose had sniffled my entire hike.

As he processed the payment, I complimented him on the extensive and expensive improvements to the store.

Thanks, it is more efficient and lets us serve our customers better.

Walking out with the medication in my jacket pocket, I remembered being here with Jan when we were looking for CBD products to help her with neuropathy. The store looked like it could have been the set for a 1950s movie.

Arriving in 3B, I ripped open the box and took a pill before removing my jacket. My symptoms began to subside over breakfast.

Although the pollinosis medication is non-drowsy, I have felt a little weirder than usual.

I have never been one to take a variety of medications. All I take daily are multivitamins and enough Vitamins C and D to meet my daily requirements.

In time, I am confident the Calritan effect will vanish, and I will not even remember adding this to my regimen.

Jan always suffered from Hay Fever, but pollen has never impacted me.

When Jan died, I thought her lasting gift to me was her enduring love. The more I give it away, the more love I have to share.

Perhaps, Jan also gave me hay fever to remember her forever. It is, like her love, a gift that keeps on giving.

The Calritan is working, and I will be well soon, and my love for Jan will never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Love Without Blossoms

It appears that the trees are blossoming.

Therefore, I am confident Jan's love has not and never will die. It is stronger now than it was on the day I met her.

When I sneeze from too much pollen, I accept it as a sign that she is still with me and loves me as much as I love her.

Make a Difference

Fog Bank Doldrums!

Have I Lost My Resilience?

Like a weighted blanket, time can fold back upon itself and cloak me into a different space and time.

For several days, I had felt as if I were sleepwalking like two years ago when Jan was home for hospice.

During hospice, I showered Jan with love to the point that I felt depleted of energy and stamina.

When I kissed Jan on the final morning, I was unsure how or if I could continue to live.

A good friend called me in the afternoon and offered condolences. He said something I did not fully comprehend in my initial hours as a widow.

You are resilient, and that will help you on your journey. You will survive despite the pain you feel today.

One day at a time, I learned that resilience could and does help us to adapt. It became a secret power that allowed me to live fully despite having my body and soul shredded into a million pieces like the glass bottle we smashed on our wedding day.

Each day I gained strength and rebuilt my life by sharing Jan’s love.

Walking shrunk my waist and allowed my mind to wonder and think creatively.

Building on that foundation, I framed my new life with love and faith. The trusses of my gabled roof are my reading and my writing.

I will forever miss Jan, but with a new framework, I have regained a purpose by helping others.

As Jane Goodall wrote,

You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you. What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.

For forty-eight hours, my life has reverted to one devoid of meaning.

Am I no longer reslient? Did I lose my mojo?

I do not know, but my body and soul feel weak and hopeless.

Despite the many miles I walk daily, my legs fill like water balloons, yet I cannot give up. Jan’s love spurs me to impact the world not by sleepwalking but by making a difference. Can I do this?

My doubts overflow like high tide in the Bay of Fundy.

Despite my anxiety, I still hear Jan whispering her words of wisdom,

Richard, you are capable and strong, and I believe in you.

Soon the fog bank will break, and Jan’s undying love will let me regain my focus and continue to impact the world positively.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Living Alone as Best I Can!

The day Jan died, I wasn't sure how long I would live.

I still do not know, but none of us knows how many days we will live.

A good friend called the morning after the love of my life died to offer his sympathy and support.

He said, "You are resilient, and that will help you on your journey. You will survive despite the pain you feel today."

At that moment, I was unconvinced of his opinion.

But over time, my resilience has rebounded.

Walkability is Likeability!

Walkability Equals Likability!

In Cranford, I Do Not Need a Car for Daily Errands

As I was lost in thought during my walk, I suddenly heard a familiar voice calling me. As the person got closer, I recognized my neighbor, Franco, carrying two large bags of bread. He shouted a greeting, saying, “Hey, Buddy, I’m right behind you!”

Walking to his shop, Venue 104, made me appreciate how fortunate I am to live in a neighborhood where most of my daily tasks can be accomplished on foot. The walkability score of my community is an impressive 96, which has been a tremendous help as I navigate my grief journey.

I’m also grateful to be an active member of several supportive communities that provide me with the necessary strength and encouragement. Without these connections, I wouldn’t have made it this far.

As Charlie Padavano says to Sylvie, one of his daughters, in Hello Beautiful.

We’re separated from the world by our own edges. We’re all interconnected, and when you see that, you see how beautiful life is.

Despite the difficulty in finding joy in life without Jan, I’m taking things one day at a time and discovering happiness in simple things like walking, faith, reading, and more.

Although I can never replace Jan, sharing her love helps me keep her memory alive in this new chapter of my life.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



 

I Live in Community and Reside in My Home!

As Charlie Padavano says to Sylvie, one of his daughters, in Hello Beautiful, "We're separated from the world by our own edges. We're all interconnected, and when you see that, you see how beautiful life is."

As a widow, it is sometimes difficult for me to appreciate the beauty of life without my beloved partner, Jan. However, I am learning to take things one day at a time and embrace life to the fullest. Although Jan's loss can never be replaced, I feel fortunate to have a supportive network that allows me to keep her spirit alive and share her love with others.

We can face life alone in fear or unite and support one another. For me, living interdependently in multiple communities has helped manage my grief..

Passover in Tinton Falls

Passover in Tinton Falls

Adding a New Node to My Network

Rabbi Dr. Renee Edelman

Rabbi Dr. Renee Edelman at Celebrate Jan Day on April 24, 2022. Photo Courtesy of Kevin Papa.

“I am a friend of Rabbi Renee…”

“Wow, you know our Renee?”

I nodded yes to the question, which was the perfect icebreaker that could dismantle the largest glaciers in a nanosecond.

“Amazing that you joined us when you did not know anyone here. We always welcome strangers.”

I attended Second Night Seder at the Monmouth Reform Temple (MRT) in Tinton Falls for the second night of the Passover Seder.

Rabbi Renee, a friend and my rabbi will become the new religious leader at MRT on July 1.

To describe my arrival in Tinton Falls as a warm welcome would be several degrees lower than the enthusiasm that enveloped me.

Walking into a room with more than eighty congregants when the only person I knew was their new rabbi might have been daunting to some people, but I found it as easy as adding a new node to my community mesh network.

I live in a community mesh network (CMN), allowing me to move from one node to another. It is seamless, and adding a new node is as easy as 1-2-3.

My CMN reflects the reality of our real lives: we belong to multiple communities and must be able to move between them and remain interconnected.

Seamlessly moving between my communities of family, friends, neighbors, and faith strengthens each and makes me healthier.

Without my multi-community mesh network, I am unsure if I could have survived my grief journey.

It does not replace what I lost when Jan died, but my seamless network allows me to bring Jan’s spirit into my new life and share her love with everyone.

You must return next year when Renee will lead the seder,” several new friends said as I walked to my car.

I am still trying to figure out what to do next year, but I am happy to have added a new node to my community mesh network.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



My Community Mesh Network

Seamlessly moving between these communities strengthens each one and makes me healthier. Everyone should consider creating community mesh networks. My multi-community mesh network has been a lifesaver throughout my grief journey.

Although it cannot replace what I lost, it allows me to bring my loved one's spirit into my new life and share her love with everyone.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Jan and her Orchid!
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Faith is All I Needed!
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A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness

Read: April 2023

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A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness

by Jai Chakrabarti

I recently discovered an excellent short story collection called A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness: Stories by Jai Chakrabarti. This author won the National Jewish Book Award for debut fiction with his novel A Play for the End of the World, and it is clear that his talent extends to the short story form as well.

The stories in this collection follow men and women as they navigate transformations and familial bonds across countries and cultures. Each story is unique and captivating, but the one that struck me was the title story about a closeted gay man in 1980s Kolkata who seeks to have a child with his lover’s wife. Chakrabarti’s skill as a storyteller is on full display in this story and throughout the collection.

I highly recommend A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness: Stories if you want a book exploring love and family’s complexities in uncertain times. Each story is a masterful exploration of what it means to cultivate a family across borders, religions, and races. I look forward to reading more by Jai Chakrabarti in the future.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

In the fourteen masterful stories of this collection, Jai Chakrabarti crosses continents and cultures to explore what it means to cultivate a family across borders, religions, and races today.

In the title story, a closeted gay man in 1980s Kolkata seeks to have a child with his lover’s wife. An Indian widow, engaged to a Jewish man, struggles to balance her cultural identity with the rituals and traditions of her newfound family. An American musician travels to see his guru for the final time—and makes a promise he cannot keep. A young woman from an Indian village arrives in Brooklyn to care for the toddler of a biracial couple. And a mystical agent is sent by a mother to solve her son’s domestic problems.

Throughout, the characters’ most vulnerable desires shape life-altering decisions as they seek to balance their needs against those of the people they hold closest.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Intense Pollinosis Stymies Spring
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Make a Difference
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Walkability is Likeability!
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Passover in Tinton Falls
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Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow: A Novel

Read: July 2024

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Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow: A Novel

by Gabrielle Zevin

I delved into the pages of “Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow: A Novel” by Gabrielle Zevin. The narrative unfolds the lives of Sam and Sadie, two college friends who evolve into creative partners in video game design. Their journey is a tapestry of fame, joy, tragedy, duplicity, and a form of immortality, all woven into a unique love story that captivated me like no other.

This love story uniquely portrays the challenges and triumphs of a relationship in the context of their shared creative endeavors.

On a bitter-cold day in December of his junior year at Harvard, Sam Masur exits a subway car and sees Sadie Green amid the hordes of people waiting on the platform. He calls her name. For a moment, she pretends she hasn’t heard him, but then, she turns, and a game begins: a legendary collaboration that will launch them to stardom.

These friends, who have been close since childhood, take bold steps, borrow money, and seek favors. Even before they graduate from college, they have birthed their first blockbuster, Ichigo. In a blink, the world is at their feet. Sam and Sadie, not yet twenty-five, are shining with brilliance, success, and wealth. But these attributes can’t shield them from their emotional rollercoaster of creative aspirations and the heartbreaks that come with it.

Spanning thirty years, from Cambridge, Massachusetts, to Venice Beach, California, and lands in between and far beyond, Gabrielle Zevin‘s Tomorrow, Tomorrow, and Tomorrow provides a profound exploration of the diverse nature of identity, disability, failure, the redemptive possibilities in play, and above all, our deep-seated need to connect: to be loved and to love. It’s a journey that will make you reflect on your life and relationships.



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At the Villa Rose

Read: August 2022

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At the Villa Rose

by Major Alfred Edward Woodley Mason

At the Villa Rose by Major Alfred Edward Woodley Mason, initially published in 1910, is a mystery novel in which Major Mason introduced his French detective, Inspector Hanaud, who was an early template for Agatha Christie’s famous Hercule Poirot. Missing jewels, high adventure some one hundred and fifty kilometers from Geneva, a casino, and blind love are all factors in a complex case for Hanaud, which ultimately involves a gang of frightened murderers. If you enjoy deductive mysteries like me, I highly recommend At the Villa Rose.

The Goodreads summary,

In Aix les Bains during the early 20th century, Celia Harland, a beautiful (of course) young English girl down on her luck, is befriended by a wealthy widow, Madame Dauvray, an addict of “spiritualism,” and stages seances for her benefactrix, while knowing full well that the supposed manifestations from the spirit world are entirely bogus. This set-up supplies the opportunity for a criminal gang master-minded by Madame Dauvray’s maid, with their eyes on the widow’s jewelry collection, to engineer an introduction for one of their numbers, Adele Tacé (“Rossignol”), whose taunts of disbelief goad the old lady into allowing a seance to be held which, unsuspected by either Celia or her patron, will be the cover for murder and robbery.

The crux of the plot is that as a medium, Celia will be made their innocent victim, on whom suspicion is to be planted.


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The Book of V

Read: October 2021

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The Book of V

by Anna Solomon

The Book of V by Anna Solomon is a book that I may not have read at another time in my life, and I did find it to be a book that I could not stop reading.

Goodreads summarizes its plot.

Anna Solomon’s kaleidoscopic novel intertwines the lives of a Brooklyn mother in 2016, a senator’s wife in 1970s Washington, D.C., and the Bible’s Queen Esther, whose stories of sex, power and desire overlap and ultimately converge—showing how women’s roles have and have not changed over thousands of years.

Being Jewish, I knew the story of Queen Esther, although this version added new layers of the story that I did not know. The book’s illumination that women’s roles have not changed over thousands of years was something I knew but did not fully understand.

The three characters are very vivid and weave a story that is worth reading.

Lily is a mother and a daughter. And a second wife. And a writer, maybe? Or she was going to be, before she had children. Now, in her rented Brooklyn apartment, she’s grappling with her sexual and intellectual desires while also trying to manage her roles as a mother and a wife.

Vivian Barr seems to be the perfect political wife, dedicated to helping her charismatic and ambitious husband find success in Watergate-era Washington D.C. But one night he demands a humiliating favor, and her refusal to obey changes the course of her life—along with the lives of others.

Esther is a fiercely independent young woman in ancient Persia, where she and her uncle’s tribe live a tenuous existence outside the palace walls. When an innocent mistake results in devastating consequences for her people, she is offered up as a sacrifice to please the king, in the hopes that she will save them all.

I recommend this book.

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My Evil Mother: A Short Story

Read: April 2022

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My Evil Mother: A Short Story

by Margaret Atwood

My Evil Mother: A Short Story by Margaret Atwood was a free book with your Prime Reading membership. I have always enjoyed reading Ms. Atwood’s books. My Evil Mother was an enjoyable read and reminded me why she is a great author and why short stories are unique and special. As the NY Times described, My Evil Mother, is a bittersweet short story about mothers, daughters’ witches’ brew of love—and control. I highly recommend it as it is one of my best books this year. 

Goodreads provides a concise overview.

Life is hard enough for a teenage girl in 1950s suburbia without having a mother who may—or may not—be a witch. A single mother at that. Sure, she fits in with her starched dresses, string of pearls, and floral aprons. Then there are the hushed and mystical consultations with neighborhood women in distress. The unsavory, mysterious plants in the flower beds. The divined warning to steer clear of a boyfriend whose fate is certainly doomed. But as the daughter of this bewitching homemaker comes of age and her mother’s claims become more and more outlandish, she begins to question everything she once took for granted.

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The Shadow King: A Novel

Read: April 2022

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The Shadow King: A Novel

by Maaza Mengiste

The Shadow King: A Novel by Maaza Mengiste is a book happened to offer two often overlooked threads of history. The first is Mussolini’s 1935 invasion of Ethiopia. The second one I am most interested in is the women soldiers who were left out of the historical record. I highly recommend The Shadow King. It is a gorgeously crafted and unputdownable exploration of female power and what it means to be a woman at war.

Hirut and Aster come alive in Maaza Mengiste talented writing. Their struggles to be seen as equal in a society at war is engaging. Hirut’s plan to create a shadow kingpin the absence of Emperor Haile Selassie is one that turns defeat into victory.

Goodreads provides a good overview of the book.

With the threat of Mussolini’s army looming, recently orphaned Hirut struggles to adapt to her new life as a maid in Kidane and his wife Aster’s household. Kidane, an officer in Emperor Haile Selassie’s army, rushes to mobilize his most muscular men before the Italians invaded. His initial kindness to Hirut shifts into flinty cruelty when she resists his advances. Hirut finds herself tumbling into a new world of thefts and violations, betrayals, and overwhelming rage. Meanwhile, Mussolini’s technologically advanced army prepared for an easy victory. Hundreds of thousands of Italians―Jewish photographer Ettore among them―march on Ethiopia seeking adventure.

As the war begins in earnest, Hirut, Aster, and the other women long to do more than care for the wounded and bury the dead. When Emperor Haile Selassie goes into exile and Ethiopia quickly loses hope, Hirut offers a plan to maintain morale. She helps disguise a gentle peasant as the emperor and soon becomes his guard, inspiring other women to take arms against the Italians. But how could she have predicted her war as a prisoner of one of Italy’s most vicious officers, who would force her to pose before Ettore’s camera?

What follows is a gorgeously crafted and unputdownable exploration of female power, with Hirut as the fierce, original, and brilliant voice at its heart. In incandescent, lyrical prose, Maaza Mengiste breathes life into complicated characters on both sides of the battle line, shaping a heartrending, unforgettable exploration of what it means to be a woman at war.

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The Swimmers: A Novel

Read: October 2022

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The Swimmers: A Novel

by Julie Otsuka

The Swimmers: A Novel by Julie Otsuka is a novel about what happens to a group of obsessed recreational swimmers when a crack appears at the bottom of their local pool. This searing, intimate story of mothers and daughters—and the sorrows of implacable loss—is the most commanding and unforgettable work yet from a modern master. I highly recommend The Swimmers: A Novel by Julie Otsuka.

The novel was a page-turner from the first to the last page. It had been on my to-read list for months, and I am happy to start reading The Swimmers: A Novel by Julie Otsuka

Memory loss is a frightening situation for anyone. Ms. Otuska writes powerfully and eloquently about Alice’s loss of her memory. I felt as if it was one of my loved ones.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

The swimmers are unknown to one another except through their private routines (slow lane, medium lane, fast lane) and the solace each takes in their morning or afternoon laps. But when a crack appears at the bottom of the pool, they are cast out into an unforgiving world without comfort or relief.

One of these swimmers is Alice, who is slowly losing her memory. The pool was a final stand against the darkness of her encroaching dementia for Alice. Without the fellowship of other swimmers and the routine of her daily laps, she is plunged into dislocation and chaos, swept into memories of her childhood and the Japanese American incarceration camp where she spent the war. Alice’s estranged daughter, reentering her mother’s life too late, witnesses her stark and devastating decline.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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