My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.
Birnam Wood: A Novel by Eleanor Catton is a gripping psychological thriller from the Booker Prize-winning author of The Luminaries. Birnam Wood is Shakespearean in its wit, drama, and immersion in character. A brilliantly constructed consideration of intentions, actions, and consequences is an unflinching examination of the human impulse to ensure our survival. I highly recommend this novel.
Is It Enough to Be a Helper?
When I am out to dinner with friends, I often wait patiently for someone to tell me my bill share.
Usually, they provide an amount, including a tip, but sometimes, they do not.
“Don’t worry, we can cover the meal,” is the response when I am not asked to pay.
Objecting is often too late, but I still question the decision.
“You facilitated our being together, and that is enough,” is the response.
Have I become someone whose value is making something more manageable or helping it along?
Is my skill set limited to moderating a discussion?
If that is what I am today, it may be because that is what I have done all of my work and personal life and what Jan’s transformative love helped me become a better person.
The best option might be to accept me as I am and not as I might fantasize about my role in life.
As I returned home with aching and tired feet, I halted my walk to chat with a neighbor.
Without thinking, I found myself quickly connecting them to other resources.
I laughed as I explained that many people think I am only good at being a facilitator.
Whatever you call it, you do it very well,” they said.
Thanks, I said as I turned toward home.
“Of course, it does begin with the “F” word…”
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
No one reads my words, and few, if any, comment on my bookshelf.
But I find myself asked to facilitate more groups and thanked for only doing what any of us would do to help each other manage our grief.
Yet, I hear more people say they listen to my words because I speak with clarity and transparency. Is there any other way that any of us should talk?
Without Jan, My Agency Helps Me Live Fully
I woke up this morning feeling lethargic.
Despite my lack of energy and wet snow falling from the sky, I knew if I did not walk, I would not only lose my streak but feel worse later in the day.
I was meandering from one room to another in Apt. 3B, I decided to do my primary walk inside for the first time in over a year.
Walking in the hallways is not the same as walking in nature. But I did, and I finished four miles and burned over 400 calories.
Today’s perambulation reminded me of the definition of agency, which is to control our actions and their consequences on our lives.
My exercise was less than optimal, but I must live with my decision.
When Jan was alive, we shared decision-making.
In the early days of my grief journey, I found it effortless to avoid choices as I convinced myself the outcomes might be more than I could manage.
Accepting that there were many things I could not change, I accepted Victor Frankl the essential truth that Victor Frankl wrote about in Man’s Search for Meaning,
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
What should I make for dinner? How can I fill my time? Among others, the time I spent debating what to do seemed silly in retrospect. However, at the time, every decision or non-decision would be an earthquake that would destroy my life.
Once I decided to focus on Jan’s Memorial Garden, walk daily, read more, and write about and share our love, I grew around my grief.
In time, I accepted that grief had been an outstanding teacher, and I have learned to live life fully.
By living fully, I know I am not only doing what Jan wanted me to do, but if we were to meet now, she would see someone she could love, not someone so drained by a loss that they are an empty shell.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Choosing to Participate Fully in Life!
Afraid grief would destroy me; I chose to grow and actively participate in my life.
I celebrated Jan's life and helped build a memorial garden in Hanson Park.
Each of those baby steps helped me thru the darkest days of my grief.
But accepting that grief has been an outstanding teacher in my life, I have learned to live life fully.
By living fully, I know I am not only doing what Jan wanted me to do, but if we were to meet now, she would see someone she could love, not someone so drained by a loss that they are an empty shell.
“Wow,” my friend Deborah said as we entered the 2023 Philadelphia Flower Show. “The flowers, the smell, the sounds…”
“I thought last year was spectacular, but this is stupendous,” Ron responded.
Beverly and I were busy talking when Deborah pointed out the definition on the opening exhibit’s wall.
FLORASTRUCK [flohr-uh struhk] /adj./ stunned and amazed by floral beauty.
The description provided this overview, “At the core of all human interaction with flowers is that extraordinary moment when one is overcome with joy or awe in seeing or receiving unexpected beauty. This remarkable burst of wonder and delight is what we hope you will experience as you walk through this lush, immersive flora moment.
The four of us were indeed florastruck not only for the day at the Philadelphia Flower Show but also for the two days we were in the city and even now that we are home.
Sharing the Flower Show with friends helped make this the best since Jan died.
My first trip to the Flower Show without Jan was a washout, and my days were an internal monologue with no exit.
Last year with Ron and Deborah was enjoyable, and I could speak about grief but only in the third person.
This year, the conversations, dinners, and florastruck moments were relaxed, and I could speak frankly about Jan and even laugh with my friends.
I missed Jan but knew her spirit was with me, and she would have been as florastruck as the four of us. One day at a time, my grief recedes in my rearview mirror.
I purchased flowers for Jan on the day we met; she was, is, and will always be the love of my life!
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Opening Our Eyes and Taking Action
"I think Einstein said something about this, but I cannot remember the quote precisely."
I nodded in response and spoke, "It was something about how they look and do nothing."
We stopped briefly, searched the internet, and instantly found the quote.
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." - Albert Einstein.
I mentioned that on King's birthday, Rev. Dr. Randall M. Lassiter, Pastor of the Calvary Baptist Church in Paterson, discussed the same topic.
His key point is, "blurred vision keeps us from not on loving our neighbors but also our enemies. The time to confront the impediments that impede progress in our communities, state, and nation is now!"
“We all need to share more to help our neighbors,” my friend said as we walked thru the Flower Show.
Before responding, we stopped to take photos of one of the exhibits.
“Yes, we do,” I responded. “But too many people do not see the need for sharing with others.
We continued to stroll thru the Flower Show.
“I think Einstein said something about this, but I cannot remember the quote precisely.”
I nodded in response and spoke, “It was something about how they look and do nothing.”
We stopped briefly, searched the internet, and instantly found the quote.
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. – Albert Einstein.
I mentioned that on King’s birthday, Rev. Dr. Randall M. Lassiter, Pastor of the Calvary Baptist Church in Paterson, discussed the same topic.
His key point is, “Blurred vision keeps us from not only loving our neighbors but also our enemies. The time to confront the impediments that impede progress in our communities, states, and nations is now!
We continued discussing sharing and working to improve the world as we looked at beautiful flower arrangements.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Last night, I attended the Cranford Community Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Birthday Commemoration.
The annual event, held this year at Cranford's First Baptist Church, is one that Jan and I would attend together. Being back in person was, I thought, what would make the event inspiring.
Most years, the keynote speaker does an adequate job, but last night Rev. Dr. Randall M. Lassiter, the Pastor of Calvary Baptist Church in Paterson, set a new standard. Rev. Lassiter is also President of the NJ Convention of Progressive Baptists.
Like other great speakers, Rev. Lassiter's speech rose to a crescendo that challenged the audience to confront their astigmatism so they could see our crisis.
Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019
“When is the Flower Show this year?”
I said the first week of March, as it is indoors again.
Before I could ask if she and her husband wanted to join me, she responded, “Let’s go again!”
Jan and I always enjoyed the Philadelphia Flower Show.
During hospice, Jan encouraged me to go.
I drove to Philly alone but could not attend due to fire and rain; I successfully participated last year with my good friends Ron and Deborah.
We will leave within the hour, and I cannot wait to be there with my good friends.
Jan was with me on every step I took during last year’s Flower Show. I know she will be with me this year.
The love we shared will never die; it will only grow stronger daily!
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Jan and I always enjoyed the Philadelphia Flower Show. During hospice, Jan encouraged me to go. I drove to Philly alone but could not attend due to fire and rain; I successfully participated this year with my good friends Ron and Deborah.
When Wes Smiles, I See Jan!
Last Friday was a difficult mathematical moment for me.
Being Wes’s eighth birthday, I was ecstatic, but I had to do the math to remember how long it had been since Jan, the love of my life, died.
If Wes is eight months old and was born fourteen months after Jan died, then the answer to how long I have lived without Jan is twenty-two months.
When Jan died, my life felt like there was no way I could get to the following day. One step at a time, I was able to continue to live.
The most important lesson I learned is not to focus on what I lost but on how much I gained because of Jan’s transformative love.
I know that my grief journey is now in my rearview mirror, and I focus on celebrating Jan’s life and sharing her love.
Enjoy this short video of Wes; when he smiles, I remember Jan!
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Wes and Jan Have the Same Smile!
The first time Jan smiled at me, my heart melted like ice cubes on a hot, humid summer day.
Jan poured wine on my head while still smiling at me.
Despite a wine-soaked forehead, I knew I would love her forever.
Our second grandson Wes Jude Nucero was born fourteen months after Jan died.
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by Eleanor Catton
Birnam Wood: A Novel by Eleanor Catton is a gripping psychological thriller from the Booker Prize-winning author of The Luminaries. Birnam Wood is Shakespearean in its wit, drama, and immersion in character. A brilliantly constructed consideration of intentions, actions, and consequences is an unflinching examination of the human impulse to ensure our survival. I highly recommend this novel.
The review in The New Yorker and a personal recommendation made this novel my next read.
At first, the conflict between the guerrilla gardening group and a wealthy American billionaire seemed like a story that had been told too many times. However, Ms. Catton has created a page-turner that is a must-read during our current climate emergency and the growing income gap. Although the end is foretold, it may surprise the reader while confirming the conviction that we must find an alternate way forward.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview,
Five years ago, Mira Bunting founded a guerrilla gardening group: Birnam Wood. An undeclared, unregulated, sometimes-criminal, sometimes-philanthropic gathering of friends, this activist collective plants crops wherever no one will notice: on the sides of roads, in forgotten parks, and in neglected backyards. For years, the group has struggled to break even. Then Mira stumbles on an answer, a way to finally set the group up for the long term: a landslide has closed the Korowai Pass, cutting off the town of Thorndike. A natural disaster has created an opportunity, a sizable farm seemingly abandoned.
But Mira is not the only one interested in Thorndike. Robert Lemoine, the enigmatic American billionaire, has snatched it up to build his end-times bunker–or so he tells Mira when he catches her on the property. Intrigued by Mira, Birnam Wood, and their entrepreneurial spirit, he suggests they work this land. But can they trust him? And, as their ideals and ideologies are tested, can they trust each other?
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
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by Emma Donoghue
After Jan’s death and over two years of COVID, The Pull of the Stars might not seem like a good read for me. But I had placed this book on my to-read list a few months ago. The Pull of the Stars by Emma Donoghue is set in 1918 in Dublin; a maternity ward at the height of the Great Flu is a small world of work, risk, death, and unlooked-for love. It was a page-turner that engrossed me at that moment. When I reached the last page, I wanted the story to continue.
The details about childbirth, life, and death were riveting. All three of the main characters are ones that I could have imagined in an episode of Call the Midwife. That Dr. Lynn was a natural person underscores the depth of Ms. Donoghue’s research and writing skills.
Julie and Bridie’s characters were so real it was difficult to believe that they were not also based on natural persons.
I strongly recommend The Pull of the Stars.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview.
In an Ireland ravaged by war and disease, Nurse Julia Power works at an understaffed hospital in the city center, where expectant mothers who have come down with the terrible new Flu are quarantined together. Into Julia’s regimented world step two outsiders—Doctor Kathleen Lynn, a rumored Rebel on the run from the police, and a young volunteer helper, Bridie Sweeney.
With tireless tenderness and humanity, carers and mothers somehow do their impossible work. In the darkness and intensity of this minor ward, these women change each other’s lives in unexpected ways over three days. They lose patients to this baffling pandemic but shepherd new life into a fearful world.
In The Pull of the Stars, Emma Donoghue again finds the light in the darkness in this new classic of hope and survival against all odds.
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by C.L. Polk
The Midnight Bargain by C.L. Polk is about Beatrice Clayborn, a sorceress, who was the next book to read. She practices magic in secret, terrified of being locked into a marital collar that will cut off her powers to protect her unborn children. She dreams of becoming a full-fledged Magus and pursuing magic as her calling as men do. Still, her family has staked everything to equip her for Bargaining Season, when young men and women of means descend upon the city to negotiate the best marriages. The Clayborn’s are in severe debt, and only she can save them by securing a good match before their creditors call.
In a stroke of luck, Beatrice finds a grimoire that contains the key to becoming a Magus, but before she can purchase it, a rival sorceress swindles the book right out of her hands. Beatrice summons a spirit to help her get it back, but her new ally exacts a price: Beatrice’s first kiss . . . with her adversary’s brother, the handsome, compassionate, and fabulously wealthy Ianthe Lavan.
The more Beatrice is entangled with the Lavan siblings, the harder her decision becomes: If she casts the spell to become a Magus, she will devastate her family and lose the only man to ever see her for who she is, but if she marries—even for love—she will sacrifice her magic, her identity, and her dreams. But how can she choose just one, knowing she will forever regret the path not taken?
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by Margaret Atwood
The Testaments: The Sequel to The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood is a sequel worth reading.
The novel alternates between the perspectives of three women presented as portions of a manuscript written by one (the Ardua Hall Holograph) and testimonies by the other two. Being an amateur historian, I found this a fascinating way for Ms. Atwood to write this book.
Aunt Lydia is the author of the Ardua Hall Holograph, which is a surprise based on her role in The Handmaid’s Tale. It is a surprise that she is a mole who despises Gilead and works for the resistance.
The other characters are young women who, along with Aunt Lydia, are forced to come to terms with who she is and how far she will go for what she believes.
Agnes Jemima was born in Gilead and is being educated not to be literate but to be a wife. She finds out her parents are not who she thought they were when Agnes discovers she is the daughter of a Handmaid.
Daisy was raised in Toronto, lives with her adoptive parents, and is an educated woman. As noted in most reviews, Daisy is also the daughter of a Handmaid. She is Baby Nicole from the original book, and Gilead wants her to return.
by David Brooks
It is about “to be a success, make your mark, experience personal happiness.” Even when they reach the top of the mountain, most people find they are unhappy. The climb to the summit has become unsatisfying.
On the second mountain, life moves from self-centered to other-centered.” Life becomes interdependent, not independent; it becomes a life of commitment, not about us.
Mr. Brooks “explores the four commitments that define a life of meaning and purpose: to a spouse and family, to a vocation, to a philosophy or faith, and to a community.
We live in a society, Brooks argues, that celebrates freedom, that tells us to be true to ourselves, at the expense of surrendering to a cause, rooting ourselves in a neighborhood, binding ourselves to others by social solidarity and love. We have taken individualism to the extreme—and in the process we have torn the social fabric in a thousand different ways.
When I read The Second Mountain, it became clear that Jan and I never even attempted to climb the first mountain. We were constantly climbing the second mountain.
We had chosen to do work that repaired the world; we both had a faith community and lived in a community.
All we were missing as far as commitments when we met was each other. Our love for each other provided the missing link and allowed us to climb to the top of the second mountain.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Alix E. Harrow
The Once and Future Witches by Alix E. Harrow was on hold at my library for several weeks. It arrived today, and I could not imagine a better book to read for Women’s History Month. An homage to women’s invincible power and persistence, The Once and Future Witches reimagines stories of revolution, motherhood, and women’s suffrage—the lost ways are calling.
Although I found the book at times a slow read, I enjoyed it very much and highly recommend it. My only regret is that it had less to do with the suffrage movement than expected. In the late 1800s, three sisters used witchcraft to change the course of history in this powerful novel of magic, family, and the suffragette movement.
Goodreads summary provides an overview.
In 1893, there was no such thing as witches. There used to be, in the wild, dark days before the burnings began, but now witching is nothing but tidy charms and nursery rhymes. If the modern woman wants any measure of power, she must find it at the ballot box.
But when the Eastwood sisters―James Juniper, Agnes Amaranth, and Beatrice Belladonna―join the suffragists of New Salem, they begin to pursue the forgotten words and ways that might turn the women’s movement into the witch’s movement. Stalked by shadows and sickness, hunted by forces who will not suffer a witch to vote―and perhaps not even to live―the sisters will need to delve into the oldest magics, draw new alliances, and heal the bond between them if they want to survive.
There’s no such thing as witches. But there will be.
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