Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Support My Big Climb for Jan on April 20th!

I Will Climb for Jan on April 22nd!

My Apple Watch has reminded me since I moved to Apartment 3B that I am not climbing enough stairs.

I had been climbing 12 to 18 a day and now average six.

On April 22nd, two days before Jan’s birthday, I am joining The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS) in the fight to cure blood cancers by participating in Big Climb NJ!

I have accepted the challenge of climbing 26 flights of stairs to the top of One Gateway Center and raising critical funds for blood cancer research and patient support.

Can I climb 26 flights? I am not sure, but I am going to do my best!

I’m stepping up to take cancer down, and you can help me ensure that one day no one will have to die from leukemia and lymphoma!

Jan’s love will help me climb one step at a time.

Will you help me meet my fundraising goal?


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Lighting the Night to Cure Lymphoma

Last night, the Light the Night event was held in Verona Park, Verona, NJ, and I, walked in memory of Jan to help find a cure for lymphoma and leukemia.

As the hundreds of walkers collectively did the countdown to commence the walk, I wept as I wanted Jan with me as a survivor so I could walk with her as her caregiver.

Although I walked alone, Jan was with me.

Together we walked to cure blood cancers so no one would die from lymphoma one day.

The Vein of Love Endures Forever!

The Vein of Love Endures Forever!

“Richard, you will never find someone as long as you continue to wear your wedding ring,” she announced with certainty.

Jan has only been in her grave for a month…”

“You are not a young man. Every day you wait the more impossible your chances will be.”

“But I am not looking for a new bride.”

I am sure they believed they offered hope to a newly minted widow, but the pain remains as fresh as morning dew.


Our wedding rings were consequential for Jan and me.

Eight months after her lymphoma diagnosis, Jan’s hands were swelling, and her ring finger was at risk of losing the blood flowing from her heart. Our friends at Martin Jewelers removed it.

When informed that hospice care was the only choice, her tearful request was, “I want my wedding ring.”

Our oldest son went to Martin Jewelers, and they were able to resize her ring and reunite hers into one solid ring.

I replaced it on her hand when she arrived home for the last time.

When asked to remove it before the funeral, I said no. Jan wanted her ring, and it was not for me to remove it. I called Rabbi Renee to ensure that there was no reason she could not keep her wedding ring, and she said there was no reason to remove the ring.

According to The NYTimes,

The ancient Egyptians believed there was a vena amoris, Latin for a vein of love, in the left hand’s fourth finger with a direct route to the heart.

My rational mind denies a direct connection from the fourth finger to my heart.

But I am and always will be a romantic.

I believe in my heart and mind that the Orchid that bloomed last week was a reminder that Jan is still with me and always will be.

She is my Valentine today and every day!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Jan’s Wedding Ring

“I want my wedding ring,” Jan said as tears poured down her face. Less than an hour before her heartfelt request, the doctors had told her that there was nothing left that they could do for her, and she would be coming home for hospice care. She only had a few weeks left to live.

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Weird Weather

Nomehagan’s Weather Prognosticator

“It looks like we are good until April,” my fellow walker and weather prognosticator said as I petted his dog.

“I can’t beleive we got to the middle of February with only a dusting of snow,” he continued. “I raked my yard over the weekend and started preparing my garden.”

I nodded, and we both continued our walk in opposite directions.


I enjoy being able to walk without ice and snow on the ground, but I am apprehensive about the weird weather that has kept us snow-free.

If we are snow-free, how will it impact the reservoirs?

Is this one weird year or the beginning phase of a new, less human-friendly climate?

As I complete my morning perambulation, I realize that I am overdressed. Having left before sunrise when it was in the mid-thirties, I dressed for the cold. It is now mid-forties and rising.

Jan and I always wanted part of our inheritance to leave our children and grandchildren with a livable world.

All we can leave then now is our eternal love.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Spring’s First Weeping Willow Tree

Jan and I always found joy in the first sign of Spring.

Those signs could come anytime in an age of weird weather.

In Springfield and Teaneck, we had flower beds where the first daffodils would burst thru almost frozen ground to find the sun's warmth.

I often found them first but always let Jan be the first to see Spring.

This morning I saw the first yellowish hint in a weeping willow in Cranford despite freezing temperatures.

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Words Frozen in My Mouth!

Words Frozen in My Mouth!

“Congratulations! You have created the worst letter our office has ever produced,” my predecessor stated with a chuckle that did not hide his harsh critique.

I had never used a computer, as the new job’s TRS-80 was the first I had used.

My colleague stopped me before I clicked the erase button to start over. It will be OK; you will learn over time.”


Perhaps I have improved since the early 1980s, but I am still an amateur.

Until this January, I wrote at least two memories of my life with Jan each month. I have shared many of those in the Sharing Jans Love newsletter each month.

There are still stories in the recesses of my mind, but like that first experience with the TRS-80, the words do not flow from my mind to the paper.

Some might think of this as classic writer’s block, and at times I concur.

But I am still an amateur wordsmith; the stories I have written were not merely memories but stories that flowed directly onto the page.

Albeit long-form memories are obstructed, I still write shorter streams of consciousness. Most are about how I am doing now.

Even if I do not resolve this temporary crisis, my love for Jan will never die, and I will continue to share her passion with the world.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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When Richard Met Jan!

We embraced each other tightly, and our lips met in a deep and passionate kiss. It was even more intense than the sweet and lovely kisses we had already shared. I felt like I was flying, and if I hadn't worn my boots, I was sure this kiss would have knocked my socks off. This was the moment that sealed our love forever. I had always dreamed of finding true love, and now I had finally found it. Love is a beautiful thing that lasts forever and never dies.
Tu B'Shevat Seder

Tree of Life, Tree of Hope

“The trees seem smaller now than they did when I was a teneger,” Jan said as we stood in a grove of trees in the wetlands near the home where she grew up.

“Whenever I need a place to think, and dream, I came here as my parents had chosen not to plant trees in the backyard.” she said.

We had moved into her childhood home the month before. Instead of planting one or more trees, we made plans to expand the garden.


I thought about that visit to Jan’s grove of trees during Sha’arey Shalom’s Tu B’Shevat Seder, which was less than one hundred yards from Jan’s grove of trees.

The seder marks,

It is the beginning of the year for trees because it is the midpoint of winter: the strength of the cold becomes less, the majority of the year’s rains (in Israel) have fallen, and the sap of the trees starts to rise.

When I arrived home, I reviewed my notes from The Hidden Life of Trees by forester and author Peter Wohlleben.

Peter convincingly makes the case that the forest is a social network; tree parents live with their children, communicate with them, support them as they grow, share nutrients with those who are sick or struggling, and even warn each other of impending dangers.

Tree of Life, Tree of Hope, Jan is still with me and always will be.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



The Hidden Life of Trees

The Hidden Life of Trees: What They Feel, How They Communicate―Discoveries from A Secret World

Are trees social beings? In The Hidden Life of Trees, the forester and author Peter Wohlleben convincingly makes the case that, yes, the forest is a social network.

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Victory City: A Novel

Victory City: A Novel

Victory City: A Novel by Salman Rushdie is an epic tale of a woman who breathes a fantastical empire into existence, only to be consumed by it over the centuries from the transcendent imagination of Booker Prize-winning, internationally bestselling author Salman Rushdie. It is well written and was a page-turner from page one to the end. I highly recommend this novel and encourage everyone to read it.

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Wes and Jan Have the Same Smile!

Wes and Jan Have the Same Smile!

The first time Jan smiled at me, my heart melted like ice cubes on a hot, humid summer day.

While smiling at me, Jan poured wine on my head.

Despite a wine-soaked forehead, I knew I would love her forever.

Our second grandson Wes Jude Nucero was born fourteen months after Jan died.

My head may have been sweaty from the July heat, but his smile was a duplicate of Jan’s.

Wes is now seven months old!

Each day, his smile becomes more like his grandma’s and brings me peace and tranquility.

My love for Jan will never die, and Wes’s smile will remind me of her as long as I live.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Smiling Wes Won My Heart!

Today, my happy, smiling grandson, Wes Jude Nucero, is four months old!

When I met him, his smile was identical to grandma Jan's.

Both of their smiles mesmerized me.

We inherit many traits from our family, but the most precious one is our personality. Jan's gift to Wes is priceless.

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The Vein of Love Endures Forever!
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Weird Weather
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Words Frozen in My Mouth!
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The Hidden Life of Trees

Read: August 2021

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The Hidden Life of Trees

by Peter Wohlleben

The Hidden Life of Trees: What They Feel, How They Communicate ― Discoveries from A Secret World is a book I have wanted but had not had the time to read. In July of this year, when I was still in the early stages of my recovery journey, I talked to a friend of my wife’s (whom I now count as my friend) about our plans to plant a tree in Hanson Park.

As I talked about our plans, my friend suggested I read this book as it would help me understand the importance of trees. I will forever be grateful for her recommendation, as it made me read this book sooner than later.

To read that trees have a social network with more prominent, healthier trees concerned about the smaller, weaker ones. How is it that humans, a supposedly advanced species, have a social network that divides and weakens our community?

Are trees social beings? In The Hidden Life of Trees forester and author Peter Wohlleben convincingly makes the case that, yes, the forest is a social network. He draws on groundbreaking scientific discoveries to describe how trees are like human families: tree parents live together with their children, communicate with them, support them as they grow, share nutrients with those who are sick or struggling, and even warn each other of impending dangers. Wohlleben also shares his deep love of woods and forests, explaining the amazing processes of life, death, and regeneration he has observed in his woodland.

Having read this book, I am more sensitive to trees and have enjoyed my walks more than ever. In addition, when we plant Jan’s tree in Hanson Park, I will now have even more reasons to talk about the importance of trees to Jan, myself, and the community.

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Tu B'Shevat Seder
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Victory City: A Novel

Read: February 2023

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Victory City: A Novel

by Salman Rushdie

Victory City: A Novel by Salman Rushdie is an epic tale of a woman who breathes a fantastical empire into existence, only to be consumed by it over the centuries from the transcendent imagination of Booker Prize-winning, internationally bestselling author Salman Rushdie. It is well written and was a page-turner from page one to the end. I highly recommend this novel and encourage everyone to read it.

Brilliantly styled as a translation of an ancient epic, this is a saga of love, adventure, and myth that is a testament to storytelling’s power. After witnessing her mother’s death, the grief-stricken Pampa Kampana becomes a vessel for the goddess Parvati, who begins to speak out of the girl’s mouth. I was hooked when Pampa Kampana provided the seeds that created Victory City out of thin air.

David Remnick’s interview with Salman Rushdie in The New Yorker provided background I would have missed.

“The first kings of Vijayanagara announced, quite seriously, that they were descended from the moon,” Rushdie said. “So when these kings, Harihara and Bukka, announce that they’re members of the lunar dynasty, they’re associating themselves with those great heroes. It’s like saying, ‘I’ve descended from the same family as Achilles.’ Or Agamemnon. And so I thought, Well, if you could say that, I can say anything.”

Above all, the book is buoyed by the character of Pampa Kampana, who, Rushdie says, “just showed up in my head” and gave him his story, his sense of direction. Rushdie’s pleasure in writing the novel was in “world building” and, at the same time, writing about a character building that world: “It’s me doing it, but it’s also her doing it.” The pleasure is infectious. “Victory City” is an immensely enjoyable novel. It is also an affirmation. At the end, with the great city in ruins, what is left is not the storyteller but her words:

I, Pampa Kampana, am the author of this book.
I have lived to see an empire rise and fall.
How are they remembered now, these kings, these queens?
They exist now only in words . . .
I myself am nothing now. All that remains is this city of words.
Words are the only victors.

The Goodreads summary provides a brief overview,

In the wake of an insignificant battle between two long-forgotten kingdoms in fourteenth-century southern India, a nine-year-old girl has a divine encounter that will change the course of history. After witnessing her mother’s death, the grief-stricken Pampa Kampana becomes a vessel for the goddess Parvati, who begins to speak out of the girl’s mouth. Granting her powers beyond Pampa Kampana’s comprehension, the goddess tells her that she will be instrumental in the rise of a great city called Bisnaga–literally victory city–the wonder of the world.

Over the next two hundred and fifty years, Pampa Kampana’s life becomes deeply interwoven with Bisnaga’s, from its literal sowing out of a bag of magic seeds to its tragic ruination in the most human of ways: the hubris of those in power. Whispering Bisnaga and its citizens into existence, Pampa Kampana attempts to make good on Parvati’s task: giving women equal agency in a patriarchal world. But all stories have a way of getting away from their creator, and Bisnaga is no exception. As years pass, rulers come and go, battles are won and lost, and allegiances shift, the very fabric of Bisnaga becomes an ever more complex tapestry–with Pampa Kampana at its center.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Wes and Jan Have the Same Smile!
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Camp Zero

Read: April 2023

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Camp Zero: A Novel

by Michelle Min Sterling

I recently read an incredible novel called Camp Zero by Michelle Min Sterling. The book tells the story of several climate change survivors in a near-future northern settlement and explores the intersection of gender, class, and migration. The novel is a page-turner and a masterful exploration of who and what will survive in a warming world.

The story follows Rose, a young woman who agrees to spy on the architect of an American building project in exchange for housing. She arrives at the same time as Grant, a college professor who is trying to escape his wealthy family’s dark legacy. As they begin to investigate the mysterious architect, they uncover a disturbing mystery lurking beneath the surface of the camp.

One of the most fascinating aspects of the novel is the inclusion of an elite group of women soldiers living and working at a nearby Cold War-era climate research station. The rumors surrounding their presence add more intrigue to an already compelling story.

If you’re looking for a captivating novel that will keep you on the edge of your seat, I highly recommend Camp Zero. The book is a mesmerizing and transportive read, perfect for fans of Station Eleven and The Power.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Half in Shadow

Read: December 2021

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Half in Shadow: A Novel

by Gemma Liviero

Half in Shadow by Gemma Liviero is an unforgettable novel about courage, love, and consequences at the dawn of World War I. In German-occupied Belgium, a tragic loss forces Josephine Descharmes to navigate dangerous new territory. By day it’s compliance, serving German officers at the Hotel Métropole. By night it’s resistance, working with her brothers underground to help Allied soldiers and civilians across the border into Holland. Both paths put her and her family at significant risk.

Before Jan’s death, I preferred to read non-fiction or fiction about historical events. Although I had read nothing by the author before this novel, I decided to read based on the summary. When I finished the book, the author described her goal as a writer in a manner that confirmed my decision.

“Much of my aim in the stories I write is to put human faces, be they fictional, to the many who lived through these events and imagine the experiences and reactions by innocent parties thrust into such situations.”

Half in Shadow: A Novel by Gemma Liviero

Josephine’s involvement in the resistance begins slowly and gains strength with every page. Her brothers Eugene, Xavier, and her mother become realistic due to the precise writing of Ms. Liviero.

Arthur, the English soldier who falls in love with Josephine, becomes an equal member of the resistance and the family. Franz, the German in love with Josephine, is not as strongly defined as appropriate as he is the enemy.

The Amazon overview provides a brief overview of the novel.

As Josephine struggles to keep her family safe, Arthur, a grief-stricken English soldier trapped behind enemy lines, finds purpose and hope with Josephine and her work. Meanwhile, Franz, a German officer remorseful for war casualties, offers her protection and opportunity. These two men from opposing sides will open her heart and test her loyalties.

Amid the sorrows of war and threats of mortal danger and betrayal, Josephine must steer her fate. In a country deprived of freedom, she will make an impossible choice—one that will forever impact the family she cherishes and the man she loves.

The book’s conclusion, which I will not reveal, brings together all of the novel’s threads in a way that reminded me of the power of love and family.

This is one of the best books I have ever read. I highly recommend it.

Half in Shadow is the first time I have gotten a book from Amazon First Reads. I highly recommend First Reads as a way to read books earlier than their regular release. Half in Shadow is not scheduled to be published until January 1, 2022.

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A Good Neighborhood

Read: September 2021

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A Good Neighborhood

by Therese Anne Fowler

A Good Neighborhood by Therese Anne Fowler is a book that was difficult to put down once I started it. A Good Neighborhood is a “gripping contemporary novel that examines the American dream through the lens of two families living side by side in an idyllic neighborhood, throughout one summer that changes their lives irrevocably.”

I selected the book as it focuses, among other issues, on gentrification and environmental degradation. But to say that is what it is about would be a disservice. It also includes a full range of the social issues of our time.

But with little in common except a property line, these two very different families quickly find themselves at odds: first, over an historic oak tree in Valerie’s yard, and soon after, the blossoming romance between their two teenagers. Told from multiple points of view, A Good Neighborhood asks big questions about life in America today ― what does it mean to be a good neighbor? How do we live alongside each other when we don’t see eye to eye? ― as it explores the effects of class, race, and heartrending star-crossed love in a story that’s as provocative as it is powerful.

Ms. Fowler narrates the book. Greek Chorus. By doing this, she ensures that we are part of the story as much as readers.

We need to find answers to the big questions if we are to be good neighbors.

  • What does it mean to be a good neighbor?
  • How do we live alongside each other when we don’t see eye to eye?

The effects of class, race, and heartrending star-crossed love make this a must-read book.

I recommend the book to all readers.

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Chain Gang All Stars

Read: December 2023

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Chain Gang All Stars

by Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah

Today, I started reading “Chain Gang All Stars” by Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah. The story revolves around Loretta Thurwar and Hamara “Hurricane Staxxx” Stacker, the main characters of the Chain-Gang All-Stars, a highly controversial and top-rated program in America’s private prison industry. The program is called Criminal Action Penal Entertainment (CAPE), where prisoners compete for the ultimate prize- their freedom. It’s similar to the return of the gladiators but in a modern-day setting.

The story is set in a prison called CAPE, where inmates are forced to participate in death matches as a part of a chain-gang. These matches are held in front of cheering crowds, while the prison authorities claim it to be a righteous act. Among the participants, Thurwar and Staxxx are the most popular as they are also lovers. Thurwar is just a few matches away from her freedom, which she carries with a heavy heart and lethal hammer. Thurwar contemplates how she can help her fellow inmates preserve their humanity despite being forced into these brutal games. However, the owners of CAPE are determined to safeguard their status quo, and they will go to extreme lengths to stop anyone who challenges them. Thurwar’s attempts to resist the system have devastating consequences.

Chain-Gang All-Stars” is a powerful book that sheds light on the American prison system’s problematic alliance with systemic racism, unchecked capitalism, and mass incarceration. It critically examines the situation from various perspectives, from the Links in the field to the protestors, the CAPE employees, and beyond. The book offers a clear-eyed reckoning of what freedom really means in America. It is a noteworthy contribution from a “new and necessary American voice,” as described by Tommy Orange in The New York Times Book Review.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Regarding gifts made this month, I will match dollar for dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Ahab's Wife: Or, The Star-gazer: A Novel

Read: August 2021

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Ahab’s Wife: Or, The Star-gazer

by Sena Jeter Naslund

Ahab’s Wife: Or, The Star-gazer by Sena Jeter Naslund is a book I could not put down once I finished the first chapter. “Captain Ahab was neither my first husband nor my last.” is one of the most-recognized first sentences in literature–along with “Call me Ishmael.”

Sena Jeter Naslund has created a transcendent heroine – Una Spenser – who is as memorable as Ahab. Una’s universe spans a time that begins to redefine both women and men.

After a spellbinding opening scene, the tale flashes back to Una’s childhood in Kentucky; her idyllic adolescence with her aunt and uncle’s family at a lighthouse near New Bedford; her adventures disguised as a cabin boy on a whaling ship; her first marriage to a fellow survivor who descends into violent madness; courtship and marriage to Ahab; life as mother and a rich captain’s wife in Nantucket; involvement with Frederick Douglass; and a man who is in Nantucket researching his novel about his adventures on her ex-husband’s ship.

Ahab’s Wife is a breathtaking, magnificent, and uplifting story of one woman’s spiritual journey, informed by the spirit of the greatest American novel, but taking it beyond tragedy to redemptive triumph.

Having read this book, I can easily understand why my wife loved the book and encouraged me to read it. Her life story was much like Una’s, an uplifting story of her spiritual journey and her quest to repair the world.

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The New Earth

Read: April 2023

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The New Earth

by Jess Row

The New Earth, by Jess Row, is a commanding investigation of our deep and impossible desire to undo the injustices we have both inflicted and been forced to endure. When I read books about dysfunctional families, I am reminded of how important family is to our health and how blessed I am not to be a member of a family like the one Jess Row has created. I highly recommend this book!

The Wilcoxes saga is a case study of the difficulties of modern relationships. The reunion at the wedding of their daughter Winter unfolds in a manner that keeps the reader engaged until the final words appear on the page. Lies, infidelity, and how these actions compound and create problems for the younger generation is a book well worth reading.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

For fifteen years, the Wilcoxes have been a family in name only. Though never the picture of happiness, they once seemed like a typical white Jewish clan from the Upper West Side. But in the early 2000s, two events ruptured the relationships between them. First, Naomi revealed to her children that her biological father was Black. In the aftermath, college-age daughter Bering left home to become a radical peace activist in Palestine’s West Bank, where an Israeli Army sniper killed her.

In 2018, Winter Wilcox is getting married, and her only demand is that her mother, father, and brother emerge from their self-imposed isolations and gather once more. After decades of neglecting personal and political wounds, each remaining family member must face their fractured history and decide if they can ever reconcile.

Assembling a vast chorus of voices and ideas from across the globe, Jess Row “explodes the saga from within–blows the roof off, so to speak, to let in politics, race, theory, and the narrative self-awareness that the form had seemed hell-bent on ignoring” (Jonathan Lethem).


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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