My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.
Birnam Wood: A Novel by Eleanor Catton is a gripping psychological thriller from the Booker Prize-winning author of The Luminaries. Birnam Wood is Shakespearean in its wit, drama, and immersion in character. A brilliantly constructed consideration of intentions, actions, and consequences is an unflinching examination of the human impulse to ensure our survival. I highly recommend this novel.
Is It Enough to Be a Helper?
When I am out to dinner with friends, I often wait patiently for someone to tell me my bill share.
Usually, they provide an amount, including a tip, but sometimes, they do not.
“Don’t worry, we can cover the meal,” is the response when I am not asked to pay.
Objecting is often too late, but I still question the decision.
“You facilitated our being together, and that is enough,” is the response.
Have I become someone whose value is making something more manageable or helping it along?
Is my skill set limited to moderating a discussion?
If that is what I am today, it may be because that is what I have done all of my work and personal life and what Jan’s transformative love helped me become a better person.
The best option might be to accept me as I am and not as I might fantasize about my role in life.
As I returned home with aching and tired feet, I halted my walk to chat with a neighbor.
Without thinking, I found myself quickly connecting them to other resources.
I laughed as I explained that many people think I am only good at being a facilitator.
Whatever you call it, you do it very well,” they said.
Thanks, I said as I turned toward home.
“Of course, it does begin with the “F” word…”
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
No one reads my words, and few, if any, comment on my bookshelf.
But I find myself asked to facilitate more groups and thanked for only doing what any of us would do to help each other manage our grief.
Yet, I hear more people say they listen to my words because I speak with clarity and transparency. Is there any other way that any of us should talk?
Without Jan, My Agency Helps Me Live Fully
I woke up this morning feeling lethargic.
Despite my lack of energy and wet snow falling from the sky, I knew if I did not walk, I would not only lose my streak but feel worse later in the day.
I was meandering from one room to another in Apt. 3B, I decided to do my primary walk inside for the first time in over a year.
Walking in the hallways is not the same as walking in nature. But I did, and I finished four miles and burned over 400 calories.
Today’s perambulation reminded me of the definition of agency, which is to control our actions and their consequences on our lives.
My exercise was less than optimal, but I must live with my decision.
When Jan was alive, we shared decision-making.
In the early days of my grief journey, I found it effortless to avoid choices as I convinced myself the outcomes might be more than I could manage.
Accepting that there were many things I could not change, I accepted Victor Frankl the essential truth that Victor Frankl wrote about in Man’s Search for Meaning,
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
What should I make for dinner? How can I fill my time? Among others, the time I spent debating what to do seemed silly in retrospect. However, at the time, every decision or non-decision would be an earthquake that would destroy my life.
Once I decided to focus on Jan’s Memorial Garden, walk daily, read more, and write about and share our love, I grew around my grief.
In time, I accepted that grief had been an outstanding teacher, and I have learned to live life fully.
By living fully, I know I am not only doing what Jan wanted me to do, but if we were to meet now, she would see someone she could love, not someone so drained by a loss that they are an empty shell.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Choosing to Participate Fully in Life!
Afraid grief would destroy me; I chose to grow and actively participate in my life.
I celebrated Jan's life and helped build a memorial garden in Hanson Park.
Each of those baby steps helped me thru the darkest days of my grief.
But accepting that grief has been an outstanding teacher in my life, I have learned to live life fully.
By living fully, I know I am not only doing what Jan wanted me to do, but if we were to meet now, she would see someone she could love, not someone so drained by a loss that they are an empty shell.
“Wow,” my friend Deborah said as we entered the 2023 Philadelphia Flower Show. “The flowers, the smell, the sounds…”
“I thought last year was spectacular, but this is stupendous,” Ron responded.
Beverly and I were busy talking when Deborah pointed out the definition on the opening exhibit’s wall.
FLORASTRUCK [flohr-uh struhk] /adj./ stunned and amazed by floral beauty.
The description provided this overview, “At the core of all human interaction with flowers is that extraordinary moment when one is overcome with joy or awe in seeing or receiving unexpected beauty. This remarkable burst of wonder and delight is what we hope you will experience as you walk through this lush, immersive flora moment.
The four of us were indeed florastruck not only for the day at the Philadelphia Flower Show but also for the two days we were in the city and even now that we are home.
Sharing the Flower Show with friends helped make this the best since Jan died.
My first trip to the Flower Show without Jan was a washout, and my days were an internal monologue with no exit.
Last year with Ron and Deborah was enjoyable, and I could speak about grief but only in the third person.
This year, the conversations, dinners, and florastruck moments were relaxed, and I could speak frankly about Jan and even laugh with my friends.
I missed Jan but knew her spirit was with me, and she would have been as florastruck as the four of us. One day at a time, my grief recedes in my rearview mirror.
I purchased flowers for Jan on the day we met; she was, is, and will always be the love of my life!
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Opening Our Eyes and Taking Action
"I think Einstein said something about this, but I cannot remember the quote precisely."
I nodded in response and spoke, "It was something about how they look and do nothing."
We stopped briefly, searched the internet, and instantly found the quote.
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." - Albert Einstein.
I mentioned that on King's birthday, Rev. Dr. Randall M. Lassiter, Pastor of the Calvary Baptist Church in Paterson, discussed the same topic.
His key point is, "blurred vision keeps us from not on loving our neighbors but also our enemies. The time to confront the impediments that impede progress in our communities, state, and nation is now!"
“We all need to share more to help our neighbors,” my friend said as we walked thru the Flower Show.
Before responding, we stopped to take photos of one of the exhibits.
“Yes, we do,” I responded. “But too many people do not see the need for sharing with others.
We continued to stroll thru the Flower Show.
“I think Einstein said something about this, but I cannot remember the quote precisely.”
I nodded in response and spoke, “It was something about how they look and do nothing.”
We stopped briefly, searched the internet, and instantly found the quote.
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. – Albert Einstein.
I mentioned that on King’s birthday, Rev. Dr. Randall M. Lassiter, Pastor of the Calvary Baptist Church in Paterson, discussed the same topic.
His key point is, “Blurred vision keeps us from not only loving our neighbors but also our enemies. The time to confront the impediments that impede progress in our communities, states, and nations is now!
We continued discussing sharing and working to improve the world as we looked at beautiful flower arrangements.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Last night, I attended the Cranford Community Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Birthday Commemoration.
The annual event, held this year at Cranford's First Baptist Church, is one that Jan and I would attend together. Being back in person was, I thought, what would make the event inspiring.
Most years, the keynote speaker does an adequate job, but last night Rev. Dr. Randall M. Lassiter, the Pastor of Calvary Baptist Church in Paterson, set a new standard. Rev. Lassiter is also President of the NJ Convention of Progressive Baptists.
Like other great speakers, Rev. Lassiter's speech rose to a crescendo that challenged the audience to confront their astigmatism so they could see our crisis.
Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019
“When is the Flower Show this year?”
I said the first week of March, as it is indoors again.
Before I could ask if she and her husband wanted to join me, she responded, “Let’s go again!”
Jan and I always enjoyed the Philadelphia Flower Show.
During hospice, Jan encouraged me to go.
I drove to Philly alone but could not attend due to fire and rain; I successfully participated last year with my good friends Ron and Deborah.
We will leave within the hour, and I cannot wait to be there with my good friends.
Jan was with me on every step I took during last year’s Flower Show. I know she will be with me this year.
The love we shared will never die; it will only grow stronger daily!
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Jan and I always enjoyed the Philadelphia Flower Show. During hospice, Jan encouraged me to go. I drove to Philly alone but could not attend due to fire and rain; I successfully participated this year with my good friends Ron and Deborah.
When Wes Smiles, I See Jan!
Last Friday was a difficult mathematical moment for me.
Being Wes’s eighth birthday, I was ecstatic, but I had to do the math to remember how long it had been since Jan, the love of my life, died.
If Wes is eight months old and was born fourteen months after Jan died, then the answer to how long I have lived without Jan is twenty-two months.
When Jan died, my life felt like there was no way I could get to the following day. One step at a time, I was able to continue to live.
The most important lesson I learned is not to focus on what I lost but on how much I gained because of Jan’s transformative love.
I know that my grief journey is now in my rearview mirror, and I focus on celebrating Jan’s life and sharing her love.
Enjoy this short video of Wes; when he smiles, I remember Jan!
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Wes and Jan Have the Same Smile!
The first time Jan smiled at me, my heart melted like ice cubes on a hot, humid summer day.
Jan poured wine on my head while still smiling at me.
Despite a wine-soaked forehead, I knew I would love her forever.
Our second grandson Wes Jude Nucero was born fourteen months after Jan died.
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by Eleanor Catton
Birnam Wood: A Novel by Eleanor Catton is a gripping psychological thriller from the Booker Prize-winning author of The Luminaries. Birnam Wood is Shakespearean in its wit, drama, and immersion in character. A brilliantly constructed consideration of intentions, actions, and consequences is an unflinching examination of the human impulse to ensure our survival. I highly recommend this novel.
The review in The New Yorker and a personal recommendation made this novel my next read.
At first, the conflict between the guerrilla gardening group and a wealthy American billionaire seemed like a story that had been told too many times. However, Ms. Catton has created a page-turner that is a must-read during our current climate emergency and the growing income gap. Although the end is foretold, it may surprise the reader while confirming the conviction that we must find an alternate way forward.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview,
Five years ago, Mira Bunting founded a guerrilla gardening group: Birnam Wood. An undeclared, unregulated, sometimes-criminal, sometimes-philanthropic gathering of friends, this activist collective plants crops wherever no one will notice: on the sides of roads, in forgotten parks, and in neglected backyards. For years, the group has struggled to break even. Then Mira stumbles on an answer, a way to finally set the group up for the long term: a landslide has closed the Korowai Pass, cutting off the town of Thorndike. A natural disaster has created an opportunity, a sizable farm seemingly abandoned.
But Mira is not the only one interested in Thorndike. Robert Lemoine, the enigmatic American billionaire, has snatched it up to build his end-times bunker–or so he tells Mira when he catches her on the property. Intrigued by Mira, Birnam Wood, and their entrepreneurial spirit, he suggests they work this land. But can they trust him? And, as their ideals and ideologies are tested, can they trust each other?
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
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by Karen Joy Fowler
Booth by Karen Joy Fowler was on my to-read list for several months. Booth is an epic and intimate novel about the family behind one of the most infamous figures in American history: John Wilkes Booth. I have always been fascinated by history, especially the Civil War. Booth is a startling portrait of a country in the throes of change and a vivid exploration of the ties that make and break a family. It is the second book I have read this year.
Ms. Fowler struggled with how to write this novel without focusing on the cruelest member of the Booth family. She succeeded, but I sometimes felt confused about the type of book I was reading. Was it historical fiction or a textbook?
In the afterword, she admits that there is more of the story in the children of the siblings of John Wilkes Booth. I wish I knew more about that generation and how they responded to the notoriety. A family tree would have helped as there are many family members.
I recommend Booth as history is a dynamic lesson we must keep studying.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview,
In 1822, a secret family moved into a secret cabin some thirty miles northeast of Baltimore to farm, hide, and bear ten children over the next sixteen years. Junius Booth–breadwinner, celebrated Shakespearean actor, and master of the house in more ways than one–is at once a mesmerizing talent and a man of terrifying instability. One by one, the children arrive, as year by year, the country draws frighteningly closer to the boiling point of secession and civil war.
As the tenor of the world shifts, the Booths emerge from their hidden lives to cement their place as one of the country’s leading theatrical families. But behind the curtains of the many stages they have graced, multiple scandals, family triumphs, and criminal disasters begin to take their toll, and the solemn siblings of John Wilkes Booth are left to reckon with the truth behind the destructively specious promise of an early prophecy.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Today, I dove into “Dream Count” by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, and I couldn’t be more excited! A decade in the making, this novel promises to be a captivating journey. Known for her bestselling works like “Americanah” and “We Should All Be Feminists,” Adichie brings her trademark brilliance to this story of four women exploring their loves, longings, and desires. I can’t wait to see how their lives unfold!
Chiamaka is a Nigerian travel writer living in America. During the pandemic, feeling alone, she reflects on her past lovers and grapples with her choices and regrets. Her best friend Zikora, a successful lawyer, faces betrayal and heartbreak, leading her to turn to the person she thought she needed the least. Omelogor, Chiamaka’s bold and outspoken cousin, is a financial powerhouse in Nigeria who begins to question how well she truly knows herself. Meanwhile, Kadiatou, Chiamaka’s housekeeper, proudly raises her daughter in America yet must confront an unimaginable hardship that threatens everything she has worked to achieve.
In “Dream Count,” Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie focuses on these women’s lives in a captivating and profound novel that explores the very nature of love. Is true happiness ever attainable, or is it merely a fleeting state? How honest must we be with ourselves to love and be loved? The story profoundly reflects on our choices and those made for us, mothers and daughters, and our interconnected world. “Dream Count” resonates with emotional urgency and provides poignant, unflinching observations of the human heart, all conveyed in beautifully powerful language. This work reaffirms Adichie’s status as one of contemporary literature’s most exciting and dynamic writers.
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie grew up in Nigeria. Her work has been translated into more than fifty-five languages. She is the author of the novels “Purple Hibiscus,” which won the Commonwealth Writers’ Prize; “Half of a Yellow Sun,” which was the recipient of the Women’s Prize for Fiction “Best of the Best” award; Americanah, which won the National Book Critics Circle Award; the story collection “The Thing Around Your Neck” and the essays We Should All Be Feminists and Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions. Her most recent work is an essay about losing her father, Notes on Grief, and Mama’s Sleeping Scarf, a children’s book by Nwa Grace-James. A recipient of a MacArthur Fellowship, she divides her time between the United States and Nigeria.
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by Betsy Lerner
Today, I dove into Betsy Lerner‘s debut novel, “Shred Sisters.” Lerner is also known for her acclaimed work, “The Bridge Ladies.” This gripping story beautifully unravels the intricate tapestry of family bonds, mental illness, and the tumultuous relationship between two sisters. It’s compelling enough to have earned a spot on the longlist for the Center for Fiction First Novel Prize.
The tagline resonates deeply: “No one will love or hurt you more than a sister.” When one family member is unstable, the entire family feels the impact. Enter the Shreds. Olivia, the sister in the spotlight, finds her once-stunning confidence becoming erratic and unpredictable, causing chaos in her wake. Her younger sister, Amy, is cautious and studious, believing in facts, proof, and empirical evidence. Yet none of that can explain what’s happening to Ollie, whose physical beauty and charisma hide the mental illness that will ultimately disrupt Amy’s carefully constructed life.
As Amy ages, she strives to find her place—first in academics, then in New York publishing, and through a series of troubled relationships. With every step she takes, she encounters Ollie, who unpredictably slips in and out of the Shred family’s life. Despite the challenges threatening their sibling bond, Amy and Ollie cannot escape or deny the unbreakable sisterly connection that ties them together.
“Shred Sisters” is an intimate and bittersweet story that explores the complexities of sisterhood, mental health, loss, and love over two decades. In the end, Amy learns a valuable lesson on her journey to self-acceptance: no one will love or hurt you more than a sister. I can’t wait to see where this emotional journey takes me!
When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!
by Alice McDermott
I started reading “Absolution: A Novel” by Alice McDermott today. The opening line immediately grabbed my attention: “You have no idea what it was like. For us. The women, I mean.” In most literature about the Vietnam War, American women, particularly wives, have been minor characters. However, in “Absolution,” they take center stage.
The book follows the story of two women, Tricia, a shy newlywed, and Charlene, a practiced corporate spouse and mother of three. They both found themselves in Saigon in 1963, forming a wary alliance. They balance the era’s mandate to be “helpmeets” to their ambitious husbands with their inchoate impulse to “do good” for the people of Vietnam.
Sixty years later, Charlene’s daughter reaches out to Tricia after encountering an aging Vietnam vet. Together, they look back at their time in Saigon, carefully considering that pivotal year and Charlene’s altruistic machinations. They discover how their lives as women on the periphery have been shaped and burdened by the same unintended consequences that followed America’s tragic interference in Southeast Asia.
This virtuosic new novel from Alice McDermott, one of our most observant and affecting writers, explores themes of folly and grace, obligation, sacrifice, and, finally, the quest for absolution in a broken world.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Alice Hoffman
The Bookstore Sisters: A Short Story by Alice Hoffman is a heartfelt short story about family, independence, and finding your place in the world. The overview should be enough to encourage everyone to read the book. I recommend this short story without any reservations. Ms. Hoffman has written a moving story that helped me to grapple with grief and reminded me that love is the highest and most important goal that humans can aspire.
Isabel Gibson has all but perfected the art of forgetting. She’s a New Yorker now, with nothing left to tie her to Brinkley’s Island, Maine. Her parents are gone, the family bookstore is all but bankrupt, and her sister, Sophie, will probably never speak to her again.
But when a mysterious letter arrives in her mailbox, Isabel feels drawn to the past. After years of fighting for her independence, she dreads the thought of going back to the island. What she finds there may forever alter her path—and change everything she thought she knew about her family, home, and herself.
Isabel sums up the power of love in this paragraph,
She was thinking about the way a fish loved a river, and a bird loved the sky, and a mother loved her daughters. She was remembering everything. How love could change a person, how it could cause you the greatest sorrow or shelter you from harm. There were moths hitting against the windowpanes. A night heron called in the marshland as if its heart were breaking.
I have always fantasized about working in or owning a small bookstore.
The Bookstore Sisters: A Short Story rekindled that dream and reminded me of the power of love.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’sJan’s Love blog.
by Fernanda Melchor
‘Hurricane Season‘ by Fernanda Melchor, translated by Sophie Hughes, is a literary gem acknowledged by the New York Times as one of the 100 Best Books of the 21st Century. The story opens with the discovery of a dead witch in a village, leading to an investigation into her murder. As the novel unfolds, it offers a unique perspective on the lives of the villagers, each narrating the story from their point of view.
This unique portrayal of the characters, each with flaws and virtues, uncovers new details and acts of depravity. Despite the characters being seen as irredeemable, Melchor extracts some shred of humanity from them, creating a lasting portrait of a doomed Mexican village. This deep connection to Mexican culture is a significant aspect of the novel that will surely resonate with readers interested in this topic.
“Hurricane Season” draws significant literary inspiration from Roberto Bolaño‘s “2666” and Faulkner‘s novels. Like these works, it is set in a world filled with mythology and actual violence that seeps into the surroundings, creating a connection that makes it more terrifying the deeper you explore it.
