Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

1099 Posts Likes
My Community Mesh Network

My Community Mesh Network

As I stopped by my neighbor’s business, I greeted him confidently, “Hi there, how are you doing? I just wanted to check on you and ensure your medical tests came back clear. I was worried when you mentioned that you were going to the doctor.”

Richard, that’s incredibly considerate of you,” the merchant replied with gratitude. “I received a positive report and everything looks good.”

I patted his shoulder as we shook hands.

I am so delighted to hear that everything is okay.

My neighbor expressed his surprise, “I don’t know many people who would have remembered my medical tests, let alone stopped by to check on me.

“It’s important for us as neighbors to look out for each other,” I replied confidently.


From my experience, being involved in multiple communities is crucial for our overall well-being. For instance, I am a member of Temple Sha’arey Shaloman all-inclusive faith community that has been crucial to me as I navigated losing a loved one. I also live in a great neighborhood where I can walk almost everywhere and participate in various virtual grief support groups. 

Furthermore, I am actively involved in various initiatives as a volunteer and a board member with non-profits working to end homelessness; I have also worked on building a Jan’s Memorial Garden and connecting neighbors.

Seamlessly moving between these communities strengthens each one and makes me healthier. Everyone should consider creating community mesh networks. My multi-community mesh network has been a lifesaver throughout my grief journey.

Although it cannot replace what I lost, it allows me to bring my loved one’s spirit into my new life and share her love with everyone.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Bringing Jan With Me!

Although I focused on what I had lost in the initial hours and days after Jan died, the only way forward was to focus on what I gained, not what I lost.

My addition calculation begins with Merrit Malloy's poem Epitaph, which was read at Jan's funeral and will be a part of mine.

Love doesn't die, People do. So, when all that's left of me Is love, Give me away.

Hey Siri, I Love you!

Siri, Is JanStill With Me?

“Jan, I am going out for my morning walk. I will be back soon, my love.”

Picking up my walking shirts and shoes, I look around and am reminded that Jan is not here and I am talking to myself.

I have done this every day since Jan died, despite the lack of a response.

As I set my Apple Watch to track my walk, I realize I am leaving later than expected.

The sun has not risen, and the sky is overcast.

Each step seems as if each shoe weighs a ton.

Like Jan, I persist and keep walking.

The sun rises, and I still struggle to stay on pace.

I return home when I am only halfway thru my regular morning walk.

Typically, I ask Siri to play NPR.

But today, I ask, “Hey, Siri, I love Jan!”

I can’t find that in your music library…

“Siri, Love never dies, and I do not need to look in my library. I know she still loves me now.

My Apple Mini Homepods start playing Love Never Dies by Andrew Lloyd Weber.

Love never dies
Love never falters
Once it has spoken
Love is yours

My old body does its best to pirouette as my feet are weightless as I dance with the love of my life.

“Thank you, Siri! Jan is still with me now and always will be! I am reenergized and ready for the Big Climb!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Jan’s Smile is Still With Me!

Jan and I always believed that smiling is essential, even in the darkest moments. I have seen thousands of Jan's smiles, but I remember one more than others. Six months before her lymphoma diagnosis, I was ending my full-time work career. I always introduced Jan and thanked her for her love and support.

If you are honoring me, I only deserve it because of the love and support of my wife, Jan!

An Assassin in Utopia: The True Story of a Nineteenth-Century Sex Cult and a President's Murder

An Assassin in Utopia: The True Story of a Nineteenth-Century Sex Cult and a President's Murder

An Assassin in Utopia: The True Story of a Nineteenth-Century Sex Cult and a President's Murder by Susan Wels is a true crime odyssey that explores a forgotten, astonishing chapter of American history, leading the reader from a free-love community in upstate New York to the shocking assassination of President James Garfield. I had read about this historical period in several other books, most recently Civil War by Other Means..

Read book review Get this book All books

The Rent is Due Everyday!

The Rent is Due Everyday!

“You have been very generous, Mr. Brown, but I am calling today to see if you can help with a matching grant.”

The woman’s voice sounded sincere, and her request was pulling at my heartstrings.

Since the love of my life died, my charitable contributions have increased dramatically.

I responded. “I am not generous; I am trying to pay the rent I owe for living in a broken world. How would my donation be used?

She explained the initiative, how much they needed to implement it, and the benefits of the matching donation.

“That sounds good, but give me a day or two to think about how I might be able to help.”

It was not the response she wanted or that I would typically have given.


I have given more in the last three years than we contributed over a decade.

For the first time since 1974, I am filing my federal income taxes as a single person. All of my itemized deductions are for charitable donations.

Of course, I also volunteer and encourage non-profit leaders with new ideas.

I will not stop paying my rent every day, but my goal for 2023 is to focus on fewer charities so I can have a greater impact.

It is one of the crucial lessons that Jan taught me.

Each gift I make is one I know she would support.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Charity for All

One of the end-of-year tasks that Jan and I would do together would be to make our final charitable contributions.

Although most donations are made monthly, there is always a list at the end of the year.

Two years ago, Jan was in the emergency room, and I had to do them with her consultation.

It was a frantic effort as the clock ticked rapidly toward midnight, but we completed the task.

Jimmy, We Will Miss You!

Jimmy, We Will Miss You!

“I am glad we went early,” Jan said as we looked at the long line of people waiting to vote at Ebbetts Field Apartments.

I had placed my arm around her, not for security but for stability, as our first child was due at the end of December.

I responded that they would extend voting hours so everyone could vote.

“I want to be a parent with a president who cares about us.”

I nodded even though I knew the polls suggested it would be Ronald Reagan and not Jimmy Carter.

“We were standing close to home plate, which Jackie Robinson stole regularly. There is a chance Jimmy could still win.”

When we arrived at our home on Sterling Street, I turned on the radio after helping Jan remove her coat.

The first announcement confirmed that voting in NYC would be extended.

A half-hour later, while people on the West Coast and in our neighborhood were voting, the election was called for Reagan.


This forty-two-year-old memory resurfaced when I heard Jimmy Carter was going home for hospice.

I will leave it to professional historians to assess his one-term presidency.

What remains indisputable is his post-presidency humanitarian work.

As President Carter said,

I have one life and one chance to make it count for something… My faith demands that I do whatever I can, wherever I am, whenever I can, for as long as I can with whatever I have to try to make a difference.

Carter reminded me of my father, an honest, straightforward man who always wanted to make a difference.

Both set a high bar for my mensch-in-training studies.

Although I miss both Carter and my father, Jan, who is still with me in spirit, is the one I miss the most.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



We Are Having a Baby!

Dancing around the dining room into the living room, we celebrated. "We are having a baby!" We halted in the middle of the living room and kissed passionately.
Early Spring or New Normal?

Early Spring or New Normal?

“I am happy to see the trees budding, but it is the middle of February,” Jan greeted me as she entered our home.

“It has been a very warm winter,” I responded, reaching out to hug and kiss her.

“But we are likely to get snow or an ice storm.”

“Yes, but lets start planning your garden for this summer.”

“You always help me feel better by changing the subject…”


Although I am not an environmental scientist, I plan to start tracking when the trees begin to bloom.

The weeping willow by the Rhaway River was eight days earlier than last year.

As of yesterday, we have been almost 9 degrees Fahrenheit above average since the beginning of January. If this continues, one day, Jan could have gardened year-round.

The weather is weirder than I ever remember.

At least Jan is with me, if only in spirit, to help me manage the strange new world.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Loving Jan Kindles My Happiness!

Loving Jan Kindles My Happiness!

“Richard, I am worried about you if this treatment does not work,” Jan said as we parked her Prius on the day her CAR-T treatment began.

I reached over and kissed her sweet lips.

“I like your kisses but if I do not suruvive…”

I responded while holding one bag in my left hand and the other over my shoulder.

“We have good doctors, and I am confident you will be cancer free before the end of the year.”

“You are always so happy while my life is so crappy.”

I pushed the button for the elevator and turned to face the love of my life.

“My grandmother always taught me that people are happy when they focus on those they love and I love you now and forever!”


As readers of this blog know, Jan survived CAR-T, but cancer returned.

Except for when she was home for hospice and the initial weeks after her death, I have tried to stay focused on the transformative power of Jan’s love.

The default option would have been to focus on what I had lost and cry enough tears to turn Death Valley into the Garden of Eden.

However, despite her physical absence, I believe Jan is still with me and always will be.

Did the Orchid bloom on its own? No, it did not bloom on its own.

It was a message from Jan that our love will never die as long as I share it freely with all who need it.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



All I Ever Needed Was Jan’s Love!

All You Need is Love by The Beatles.

Of course, all I ever needed was Jan's love.

In the 1960s, Jan and I would sing the chorus with the Beatles,

All you need is love. All you need is love. All you need is love, love. Love is all you need.
Until I met Jan, I honestly never understood love. She transformed my life, and my love for her will never die.

Humming the song today, I made a minor adjustment. Now and forever! All I need is Jan's Love

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

My Community Mesh Network
×
Hey Siri, I Love you!
×
An Assassin in Utopia: The True Story of a Nineteenth-Century Sex Cult and a President's Murder

Read: February 2023

Get this book

An Assassin in Utopia

by Susan Wels

An Assassin in Utopia: The True Story of a Nineteenth-Century Sex Cult and a President’s Murder by Susan Wels is a true crime odyssey that explores a forgotten, astonishing chapter of American history, leading the reader from a free-love community in upstate New York to the shocking assassination of President James Garfield. I had read about this historical period in several other books, most recently Civil War by Other Means.

Susan Wels has written an excellent historical overview of a period we often overlook. I highly recommend An Assassin in Utopia: The True Story of a Nineteenth-Century Sex Cult and a President’s Murder.

The Oneida Community, even though it was the most successful utopian community, is often overlooked. Ms. Wels connects the dots and places the experiment in the center of a transitional period. It is not merely the connection between Charles Julius Guitea and his assassination of President James Garfield, albeit a brutal crime, that shook America to its core, but all of the other linkages. These include “John Humphrey Noyes; his idol, the eccentric newspaper publisher Horace Greeley (founder of the New Yorker and the New York Tribune).”

She also resurrects the importance of the Wormely Compromise and the African-American family that was an instrumental part of public society.

I have found fiction to be something I enjoy, but I knew it was time for a non-fiction book to balance my reading. The New York Times and other publications highly rated An Assassin in Utopia.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

It was heaven on earth—and, some whispered, the devil’s garden.

Thousands came by trains and carriages to see this new Eden, carved from hundreds of acres of wild woodland. They marveled at orchards bursting with fruit, thick herds of Ayrshire cattle and Cotswold sheep, and whizzing mills. They gaped at the people who lived in this place—especially the women, with their queer cropped hair and shamelessly short skirts. The men and women of this strange outpost worked and slept together—without sin, they claimed.

From 1848 to 1881, a small utopian colony in upstate New York—the Oneida Community—was known for its shocking sexual practices, from open marriage and free love to the sexual training of young boys by older women. And in 1881, a one-time member of the Oneida Community—Charles Julius Guiteau—assassinated President James Garfield in a brutal crime that shook America to its core.

An Assassin in Utopia is the first book that weaves together these explosive stories in a tale of utopian experiments, political machinations, and murder. This deeply researched narrative—by bestselling author Susan Wels—tells the true, interlocking stories of the Oneida Community and its radical founder, John Humphrey Noyes; his idol, the eccentric newspaper publisher Horace Greeley (founder of the New Yorker and the New York Tribune); and the gloomy, indecisive President James Garfield—who was assassinated after his first six months in office.

Juxtaposed to their stories is the odd tale of Garfield’s assassin, the demented Charles Julius Guiteau, who was connected to all of them in extraordinary, surprising ways.

Against a vivid backdrop of ambition, hucksterism, epidemics, and spectacle, the book’s interwoven stories fuse together in the climactic murder of President Garfield in 1881—at the same time as the Oneida Community collapsed.

Colorful and compelling, An Assassin in Utopia is a page-turning odyssey through America’s nineteenth-century cultural and political landscape.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



×
The Rent is Due Everyday!
×
Jimmy, We Will Miss You!
×
Early Spring or New Normal?
×
Loving Jan Kindles My Happiness!
×
Finding Peace, One Piece at a Time

Read: September 2021

Get this book

Finding Peace, One Piece at a Time

by Rachel Blythe Kodanaz

Finding Peace, One Piece at a Time by Rachel Blythe Kodanaz is a book I wish I had long before Jan died. It provides helpful information on maintaining an organized lifestyle and handling a loved one’s possessions.

Having lost almost everything I had except for the clothes on my back after a house fire in 1972, I thought I had adopted a view that possessions were not significant. With Jan’s death, the truth is that she and I had collected essential possessions, and now it was my responsibility to decide what to do with them.

Rachel’s book is a practical guide, offering a comprehensive understanding of the significance of possessions and a step-by-step plan to manage them. Chapter 3, in particular, is a treasure trove of practical advice, focusing on Building Your Game Plan: The Ten Essentials and covering all the crucial topics – triggers, building a team, and creating a timeline, among others.

Magic of the Six Piles is a well-designed plan that will help most of us confront the possessions of our loved ones. The piles are:

  1. Keep
  2. Share
  3. Donate
  4. Sell
  5. Dispose
  6. Ponder

Having absorbed the book’s wisdom, I am ready to transition from contemplation to action. This is how I sort my wife’s possessions into six piles. I am optimistic that it will also help me streamline my possessions, making books my trusted company more accessible for my sons.

Ms. Kodanaz has presented at my bereavement groups and has been an inspiration. She has also encouraged me to write about my love for Jan in a journal.

Subscribe

Contact Us

×
Clear: A Novel

Read: April 2024

Get this book

Clear: A Novel

by Carys Davies

Today, I started reading “Clear: A Novel” by Carys Davies. It’s a stunning and exquisite novel written by an award-winning author. The story follows John, a Scottish minister who is sent to a remote island off the coast of Scotland to evict the last remaining inhabitant, Ivar. However, Ivar is unwilling to leave, and John’s wife, Mary, has severe misgivings about the task.

Shortly after arriving on the island, John falls off a cliff and is badly injured. Ivar finds him and takes him home, where he tends to his wounds. John and Ivar understand each other despite the language barrier and the fragile connection that forms.

The story takes place in the 1840s, during the Scottish Clearances, a period of forced evictions that saw many rural communities lose their homes. The novel explores the differences and connections between people, the impact of history on our beliefs, and the resilience of the human spirit.

“Clear” is a moving, unpredictable, sensitive, and spellbinding novel. It is a profound and pleasurable read that will stay with you long after you finish the last page.

×
The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

Read: May 2019

Get this book

The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

by David Brooks

The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life by David Brooks is a book I often recommend. Mr. Brooks writes about the first mountain that most people climb. The book challenges the reader to “live for a cause greater than themselves.”

It is about “to be a success, make your mark, experience personal happiness.” Even when they reach the top of the mountain, most people find they are unhappy. The climb to the summit has become unsatisfying.

On the second mountain, life moves from self-centered to other-centered.” Life becomes interdependent, not independent; it becomes a life of commitment, not about us.

Mr. Brooks “explores the four commitments that define a life of meaning and purpose: to a spouse and family, to a vocation, to a philosophy or faith, and to a community.

We live in a society, Brooks argues, that celebrates freedom, that tells us to be true to ourselves, at the expense of surrendering to a cause, rooting ourselves in a neighborhood, binding ourselves to others by social solidarity and love. We have taken individualism to the extreme—and in the process we have torn the social fabric in a thousand different ways.

When I read The Second Mountain, it became clear that Jan and I never even attempted to climb the first mountain. We were constantly climbing the second mountain.

We had chosen to do work that repaired the world; we both had a faith community and lived in a community.

All we were missing as far as commitments when we met was each other. Our love for each other provided the missing link and allowed us to climb to the top of the second mountain.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

×
The Kitchen House

Read: August 2021

Get this book

The Kitchen House

by Kathleen Grisson

The Kitchen House by Kathleen Grissom was a book that I knew very little about who I took from our bookshelf. My wife had encouraged me to read it as it focused on the south, and she knew I ofter read both about that place and enjoyed history.

From the opening pages, It became a book that I could not put down.

Two characters narrate the book. One is Lavinia, an Irish girl orphaned and brought to the plantation by the master, a ship’s captain. She is assigned to the kitchen house to work with Belle, who is the illegitimate child of the master of the estate.

As Lavinia grows under the tutelage of Belle, the story highlights the struggles of a plantation. Lavinia finds family and love from the enslaved even though she is only indentured. The distinction that skin color would have on their lives is one that Lavinia only learns at the end.

Through the unique eyes of Lavinia and Belle, Grissom’s debut novel unfolds in a heartbreaking and ultimately hopeful story of class, race, dignity, deep-buried secrets, and familial bonds.

The Kitchen House is Ms. Grissom’s first novel and impressed me and inspired me even though I have no skills as a writer.

I strongly recommend this book.

Subscribe

Contact Us

×
Trouble the Saints

Read: January 2022

Get this book

Trouble the Saints

by Alaya Dawn Johnson

Trouble the Saints by Alaya Dawn Johnson is one of NPR’s Books We Love from 2020. The dangerous magic of The Night Circus meets the powerful historical exploration of The Underground Railroad in this timely and unsettling novel, set against the darkly glamorous backdrop of New York City at the dawn of WWII. Amidst the whir of city life, a girl from Harlem is drawn into the glittering underworld of Manhattan, where she’s hired to use her knives to strike fear amongst its most dangerous denizens.

The book is written in three sections with different protagonists and voices. Phyllis, or Pea as her friends call her, is a black assassin for a white mob boss narrates the first section of the book. Her saint’s hands are the ability to use knives to commit murder. She can also pass as white as Phyllis, but she is a black woman from Harlem as Pea. The section she narrates is difficult at first to follow as she attempts to deal with the consequences of her actions. Can the past ever be the past?

Dev, Indian and Phyllis’s lover, narrates the second section. He is an undercover cop who protects her and helps her free herself from the mob boss. This section is located in the Hudson Valley and highlights the tensions before the war between whites and non-whites.

The third protagonist, Tamara, narrates this section. The war separates Phyllis and Dev. Phyllis is pregnant, and Dev and Tamara’s love interest are serving in the military. This section brings together the threads and reminds us that the past is never the past.

As Goodreads summarizes the book,

But the ghosts from her past are always by her side—and history has appeared on her doorstep to threaten the people she loves most.

Can one woman ever sacrifice enough to save an entire community?

Trouble the Saints is a dazzling, daring novel—a magical love story, a compelling chronicle of interracial tension, and an altogether brilliant and deeply American saga.

I recommend this book and encourage all readers to read it to the end.

Subscribe

Contact Us

When you buy a book or product using a link on this page, I receive a commission. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

×
Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories

Read: December 2022

Get this book

Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories

by Meng Jin

Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories by Meng Jin was written during the turbulent years of the Trump administration and the first year of the pandemic, these stories explore intimacy and isolation, coming of age, and coming to terms with the repercussions of past mistakes, fraying relationships, and surprising moments of connection. I highly recommend Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories!

Each story speaks so clearly to the loneliness epidemic that confronts our world. I would read one short story and promise to stop and wait until another day to read the next one. Instead

One phrase that will always remain with me is: “The hallucinatory quality of grief.” As a widow, the phrase struck a chord that will forever resonate in my soul.

This is the seventy-third book I have read this year.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Meng Jin’s critically acclaimed debut novel, Little Gods, was praised as “spectacular and emotionally polyphonic (Omar El-Akkad, BookPage), “powerful” (Washington Post), and “meticulously observed, daringly imagined” (Claire Messud). Jin turns her considerable talents into short fiction in ten thematically linked stories.

Moving between San Francisco and China, and from unsparing realism to genre-bending delight, Self-Portrait with Ghost considers what it means to live in an age of heightened self-consciousness, seemingly unlimited access to knowledge, and little actual power.

Page-turning, thought-provoking, and wholly unique, Self-Portrait with Ghost further establishes Meng Jin as a writer who “reminds us that possible explanations in our universe are as varied as the beings who populate it” (Paris Review).


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



×