Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Grief in the Rear View Mirror

Grief in the Rear View Mirror

Jan and Richard

Jan and Richard, March 2019

I miss Jan every moment of the day.

However, I am no longer in grief.

I have wanted to shout that from the mountain or rooftop, but I have no access to either option.

Jan’s diagnosis of Lymphoma to her death was twenty months.

I have traveled almost as long since she died as I did being her caregiver.

The grief journey was long and arduous. I arrived at the end of that journey and found multiple exit ramps.

When we remember those we have lost, one of our readings at Temple Sha’arey Shalom summarizes my chosen pathway.

We do our best homage to our dead when we live our lives more fully, even in the shadow of our loss.

I will be grateful to Jan for her love and support as long as I live.

Grief may be behind me, but I will shed enough tears for the rest of my life to fill the Great Lakes.

I also know she will be with me during my next life phase.

Our love will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Grief is a Great Teacher

As I pray every week at Temple Sha'arey Shalom, when we remember those we lost in this passage, one of our readings is: "Grief is a great teacher when it sends us back to serve and bless the living. We learn how to counsel and comfort those who, like ourselves, are bowed with sorrow. We learn when to keep silent in their presence and when a word will assure them of our love and concern."

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Lighting a Candle for Jan!

Lighting a Candle for Jan!

Jan LilienChanukah begins tomorrow evening.

I will light the candles for eight nights alone, even though Jan is still with me and always will be.

Today in my Saturday grief support group, we did a candle-lighting memorial service.

My voice quivered like a broken guitar string.

But I spoke Jan’s name and expressed gratitude for her love and support.

I read a poem by Mary Alice Ramish before we lit our candles.

Those we love remain with us for love itself lives on,
and cherished memories never fade because a loved one’s gone.
Those we love can never be more than a thought apart,
far as long as there is memory, they’ll live on in the heart.

Jan has been embedded in my heart since the day we met.

When I kissed her on the top of her head, it was a message that our love would never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Remembering Jan Lilien

Jan's legacy will not be what she achieved in her lifetime, but the dozens and dozens of people she inspired and empowered to continue that work.
The Candy House

The Candy House: A Novel

The Candy House: A Novel by Jennifer Egan focuses on a new technology that allows you access to every memory you've ever had and to share your memories in exchange for access to the memories of others—it has seduced multitudes. According to the NYTimes, "this is minimalist maximalism. As a widow, I live in a world of memories, but I would not want them shared as they are in The Candy House. "It's as if Egan compressed a big 19th-century novel onto a flash drive."

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Soaked to the Bone

Soaked to the Bone

Jan and Oscar

Jan always worried that my commitment to walking every day would endanger me.

Rainy and snowy days were of most significant concern.

When Superstorm Sandy‘s eye landed, I walked our dog, Oscar.

Transformers were flickering off, and even though it was not raining much, the wind gusts wet Oscar and me from head to toe.

Today, I was soaked to the bones from a light but steady shower.

Returning home, I had to toss my sweats into the dryer along with my socks.

Although I am safe and sound, I accept that one day, I may not be able to walk in inclement weather.

My morning walk was shorter than most, only five miles.

I walk daily for mental and physical health.

Walking clears my head and allows me to remember Jan’s love.

I will be grateful for her love and support as long as I live.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Raindrops on My Head!

Today's walk was into two unequal timeframes.

The lingering showers of Tropical Storm Nicole had, I thought, played out overnight.

The tropical rain drenched me like a wet mop less than five minutes from home.

My desire to continue on the route undeterred by Mother Nature became impossible.

Jan always worried if I could adjust to circumstances beyond my control.

What if the weather turned on a dime, and you could not return home to me?

A Crescent Moon Behind Jan's Wind Sculpture

Sharing Jan’s Love Newsletter December Issue

Remembering Jan at Camp Widow!The December issue of Sharing Jan’s Love Newsletter includes articles on:

True Love Never Dies – “Relationships can die, but true love never does. I wear my wedding ring because I still love her. That is my only answer.”

The post is about our love, faith, and family journey. However, dear reader, this is a change from my prior posts. It is not memories of Jan and the love we shared. It is an attempt at historical fiction. It is based on some events that occurred. It is not finished.

However, like all historical fiction, it asks the proverbial what-if questions. This story presumes that a frightening episode at the time had not strengthened our love and devotion.

The newsletter updates The Jan Lilien Memorial Triangle Garden, including Jan’s Purple Wind Sculpture, both in Hanson Park. Please consider making a tax-deductible donation to The Jan Lilien Education Fund. I will match dollar-for-dollar.

Short stream posts on:

I have reviewed recent books:

  1. A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles
  2. Lucy by the Sea: A Novel by Elizabeth Strout
  3. On the Rooftop: A Novel by Margaret Wilkerson Sexton
  4. Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri.

Thanks! Best wishes for a healthy and happy holiday season!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Sharing Jan’s Love November Issue

The November issue includes articles on:

  1. Jan's Memorial Garden - Working with the Hanson Park Conservancy, we have taken significant steps in building Jan's Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park, including a video of the installation of the Wind Sculpture, and
  2. The Promised Land - "What is my sweetheart thinking about," I asked as I kissed Jan's cheek. "I am happy to be with my husband in the promised land."

Both are stories about our love, faith, and the family's journey.

One Hundred Thirteen Point Four Miles

One Hundred Thirteen Point Four Miles

Jan and Richard Walking

Jan and Richard Walking

I walk; therefore, I am!

I walk every day, rain, shine, snow, or tiredness.

Today, I completed my Apple Watch’s fourteen-day challenge to walk 8.1 miles per day.

Albeit, I walk more than that each day; the total miles walked in fourteen days equals one hundred thirteen point four (113.4).

The total of feet that I have walked is 598,752.

However, one counts the distance; it is an accomplishment I never believed I could do.

Age, tired bones, teeth chattering cold, and inertia constantly seek to keep me in bed every morning.

As I wrote almost a year ago,

Grief may dominate my life now, but walking soothes my soul, clears my mind, and exercises my body.

My walks are completed sans music. Instead, I listen to the melody of love.

Jan is with me now, not only when I walk but also when I cry.

Love never dies!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Why I Walk Every Day

Even though grief is currently the main focus of my life, I have found comfort in taking walks. Walking helps me to clear my mind, stay physically active, and feel connected to my loved ones. Each step brings me closer to Jan, the love of my life, and reminds me that love never dies; it can be reignited with every step we take.

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Who Am I Without Jan?

Who Am I Without Jan?

Jan and Richard at YWCA Gala

Last Friday, Rabbi Dr. Renee Edelman raised an existential question. What are the names that identify or describe us? Often, as a child, we may have nicknames (mine was Ricky). Our partners may identify with loving names. We may have work titles. Since becoming a widow, far too often, that is the only term used to identify me.

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Am I Only a Widow?

Since Jan died a year ago, I still identify as married and not a widow.

Many of my fellow widows identify as members of a widow tribe.

Has my life been so drained by Jan's death that I am now only a checkbox on a form?

No, I am and always will be more than only a widow.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Grief in the Rear View Mirror
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Lighting a Candle for Jan!
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The Candy House

Read: December 2022

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The Candy House: A Novel

by Jennifer Egan

The Candy House: A Novel by Jennifer Egan focuses on a new technology that allows you access to every memory you’ve ever had and to share your memories in exchange for access to the memories of others—it has seduced multitudes. According to the NYTimes, “this is minimalist maximalism. As a widow, I live in a world of memories, but I would not want them shared as they are in The Candy House. “It’s as if Egan compressed a big 19th-century novel onto a flash drive.”

Of course, I am not able to access my unconscious memories. Albeit in an amateur way, I write down some of my memories as they remind me of the power of the love that Jan and I shared. For example, the essay when I met Jan rekindles the memory and attempts to tell the story the way it happened, not how some would like it to be remembered.

The Candy House is one of the NYTimes’ top five fiction books of 2022. I have read two of them, The Furrows and Checkout 19. Initially, I was overwhelmed by the multitude of characters and was confused. By the novel’s middle, their interconnectedness helped me understand its real meaning. In the end, Egan delivers a fierce and exhilarating testament to the tenacity and transcendence of human longing for authentic connection, love, family, privacy, and redemption. As a widow, authenticity Is what I need to heal.

The Candy House is the seventieth (70) book I have read this year. 

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

It’s 2010. Staggeringly successful and brilliant tech entrepreneur Bix Bouton is desperate for a new idea. He’s forty, with four kids, and restless when he stumbles into a conversation with mostly Columbia professors, one of whom is experimenting with downloading or “externalizing” memory. Within a decade, Bix’s new technology, Own Your Unconscious—that allows you access to every memory you’ve ever had and to share every memory in exchange for access to the memories of others—has seduced multitudes. But not everyone.

In spellbinding linked narratives, Egan spins out the consequences of Own Your Unconscious through the lives of multiple characters whose paths intersect over several decades. Egan introduces these characters in an astonishing array of styles—from omniscient to first person plural to a duet of voices, an epistolary chapter, and a chapter of tweets. In the world of Egan’s spectacular imagination, there are “counters” who track and exploit desires and “eluders” who understand the price of taking a bite of the Candy House.

Intellectually dazzling and extraordinarily moving, The Candy House is a bold, brilliant imagining of a world that is moments away. With a focus on social media, gaming, and alternate worlds, you can almost experience moving among dimensions in a role-playing game.​ Egan delivers a fierce and exhilarating testament to the tenacity and transcendence of human longing for real connection, love, family, privacy, and redemption.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Soaked to the Bone
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A Crescent Moon Behind Jan's Wind Sculpture
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One Hundred Thirteen Point Four Miles
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Who Am I Without Jan?
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Bel Canto

Read: August 2024

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Bel Canto

by Ann Patchett

Today, I began my journey into the enchanting world of “Bel Canto” by Ann Patchett. This captivating novel delves into the realms of love, opera, and the remarkable ways people forge connections across cultural divides during moments of adversity. The New York Times has recognized it as one of the 100 Best Books of the Century.

At the home of the country’s vice president in South America, a lavish birthday party is underway in honor of the powerful businessman Mr. Hosokawa. The evening is perfect, with Roxanne Coss, opera’s most revered soprano, enchanting the international guests with her singing. However, this idyllic scene is shattered when a group of armed terrorists seizes the entire party. Yet, what initially seems like a nightmare gradually transforms into a moment of unexpected beauty and love. The hostages and captors form bonds that transcend their differences, turning strangers into compatriots, intimate friends, and even lovers, a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the unexpected beauty that can emerge from the most dire situations.

Ann Patchett’s  Bel Canto is a captivating novel that weaves a story of strength and frailty, love and imprisonment, and an inspiring tale of transcendent romance. Her lyrical prose and vivid imagination bring to life a world where love and opera are unifying forces in a crisis. It’s a story that will keep you turning the pages, eager to uncover its secrets and a testament to Patchett’s captivating storytelling that will leave you spellbound. No wonder the New York Times included it on its list of the 100 Best Books of the Century.

Patchett’s beautiful writing and vivid imagination make Bel Canto a compelling tale that explores themes of strength, vulnerability, love, and confinement and ultimately tells an inspiring story of transcendent romance.

Bel Canto differs from Tom Lake by Ann Patchett, which I read nearly a year ago. Tom Lake is a novel that beautifully explores family, love, and coming of age. Patchett once again proves herself as one of America’s finest writers in both books.

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My Evil Mother: A Short Story

Read: April 2022

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My Evil Mother: A Short Story

by Margaret Atwood

My Evil Mother: A Short Story by Margaret Atwood was a free book with your Prime Reading membership. I have always enjoyed reading Ms. Atwood’s books. My Evil Mother was an enjoyable read and reminded me why she is a great author and why short stories are unique and special. As the NY Times described, My Evil Mother, is a bittersweet short story about mothers, daughters’ witches’ brew of love—and control. I highly recommend it as it is one of my best books this year. 

Goodreads provides a concise overview.

Life is hard enough for a teenage girl in 1950s suburbia without having a mother who may—or may not—be a witch. A single mother at that. Sure, she fits in with her starched dresses, string of pearls, and floral aprons. Then there are the hushed and mystical consultations with neighborhood women in distress. The unsavory, mysterious plants in the flower beds. The divined warning to steer clear of a boyfriend whose fate is certainly doomed. But as the daughter of this bewitching homemaker comes of age and her mother’s claims become more and more outlandish, she begins to question everything she once took for granted.

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Mercy Street: A Novel

Read: February 2023

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Mercy Street: A Novel

by Jennifer Haigh

Mercy Street: A Novel by Jennifer Haigh is a tense, riveting story about the disparate lives intersecting at a Boston women’s clinic. The novel was named Best Book of the Year by the Washington Post, the New Yorker, and the Boston Globe. Mercy Street is a novel for right now, a story of the polarized American present. Ms. Haigh is a gifted storyteller who has written a very readable book that I highly recommend. 

I truly enjoyed Mercy Street. I had read her short story Zenith Man, and I enjoyed her storytelling skill and wanted to read her most recent novel. Until the last few pages, I was unsure how Ms. Haigh‘s intricate storylines could conclude the story. Usually, I can predict how a story will unfold well before I finish reading it. Mercy Street was a rare exception to that rule.

I have never had to run the gauntlet in front of a women’s clinic, but Ms. Haigh has made that experience so real that I could taste it. The day-to-day work of the staff and the clients was detailed and believable. The male characters, Timmy, the affable pot dealer; Anthony, a lost soul; and Excelsior11-the screenname of Victor Prine, were drafted n a credible way.

As stated earlier, I highly recommend this book.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Claudia has counseled patients for almost a decade at Mercy Street, a clinic in the city’s heart. The work is consuming the unending dramas of women in crisis. For its patients, Mercy Street offers more than health care; for many, it is a second chance.

But outside the clinic, the reality is different. Anonymous threats are frequent. A small, determined group of anti-abortion demonstrators appears each morning at its door. As the protests intensify, fear creeps into Claudia’s days, a humming anxiety she manages with frequent visits to Timmy, an affable pot dealer amid his existential crisis. At Timmy’s, she encounters a random assortment of customers, including Anthony, a lost soul who spends most of his life online, chatting with the mysterious Excelsior11–the screenname of Victor Prine. This anti-abortion crusader has set his sights on Mercy Street and is ready to risk it all for his beliefs.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Wild Houses: A Novel

Read: April 2024

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Wild Houses: A Novel

by Colin Barrett

Today, I started reading “Wild Houses: A Novel” by Colin Barrett and was impressed by the author’s ability to blend dark humor and intense emotions. Colin Barrett, the award-winning author of “Homesickness” and “Young Skins,” has crafted a debut novel that takes readers on a rollercoaster ride of crimes committed out of desperation, abandoned dreams, and small-town secrets that won’t stay hidden. The story is presented with a wry wit that adds to its appeal.

The story is set in the quaint town of Ballina, located in picturesque west Ireland, as it prepares for its biggest weekend of the year. The simmering feud between small-time dealer Cillian English and County Mayo’s fraternal enforcers, Gabe and Sketch Ferdia, spills over into violence and an ugly ultimatum, painting a vivid picture of the town’s underbelly.

The story’s protagonist, Dev, is a reclusive man unwillingly drawn into the Ferdias’ revenge fantasy when he answers the door and finds Doll, Cillian’s bruised, sullen teenage brother, in the clutches of Gabe and Sketch. With the help of his dead mother’s dog, Dev is jostled by his nefarious cousins and is struck by spinning lights as he is goaded into their plan.

Meanwhile, seventeen-year-old Nicky can’t shake the feeling that something terrible has happened to her boyfriend, Doll. Hungover, reeling from a fractious Friday night and plagued by ghosts, Nicky sets out to save Doll, even as she questions her future in Ballina.

Wild Houses is a beautifully crafted and thrillingly told story of two outsiders striving to find themselves as their worlds collapse in chaos and violence. It is the long-anticipated debut novel from award-winning and critically acclaimed short story writer Colin Barrett.

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Study for Obedience

Read: August 2023

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Study for Obedience

by Sarah Bernstein

Today I began reading “Study for Obedience” by Sarah Bernstein. With a robust and lyrical voice, Bernstein thoughtfully examines themes of complicity, power, displacement, and inheritance. “Study for Obedience” is a finely-tuned and unsettling novel that establishes Bernstein as one of the most exciting voices of her generation.

A woman moves to her forebears’ remote northern home to be a housekeeper for her brother, whose wife left him. After arriving, strange events occur bovine hysteria, a ewe’s death, a dog’s phantom pregnancy, and potato blight. Suspicion towards newcomers seems directed at her, and she feels threatened. The hostility grows, and she fears what might happen.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Victory City: A Novel

Read: February 2023

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Victory City: A Novel

by Salman Rushdie

Victory City: A Novel by Salman Rushdie is an epic tale of a woman who breathes a fantastical empire into existence, only to be consumed by it over the centuries from the transcendent imagination of Booker Prize-winning, internationally bestselling author Salman Rushdie. It is well written and was a page-turner from page one to the end. I highly recommend this novel and encourage everyone to read it.

Brilliantly styled as a translation of an ancient epic, this is a saga of love, adventure, and myth that is a testament to storytelling’s power. After witnessing her mother’s death, the grief-stricken Pampa Kampana becomes a vessel for the goddess Parvati, who begins to speak out of the girl’s mouth. I was hooked when Pampa Kampana provided the seeds that created Victory City out of thin air.

David Remnick’s interview with Salman Rushdie in The New Yorker provided background I would have missed.

“The first kings of Vijayanagara announced, quite seriously, that they were descended from the moon,” Rushdie said. “So when these kings, Harihara and Bukka, announce that they’re members of the lunar dynasty, they’re associating themselves with those great heroes. It’s like saying, ‘I’ve descended from the same family as Achilles.’ Or Agamemnon. And so I thought, Well, if you could say that, I can say anything.”

Above all, the book is buoyed by the character of Pampa Kampana, who, Rushdie says, “just showed up in my head” and gave him his story, his sense of direction. Rushdie’s pleasure in writing the novel was in “world building” and, at the same time, writing about a character building that world: “It’s me doing it, but it’s also her doing it.” The pleasure is infectious. “Victory City” is an immensely enjoyable novel. It is also an affirmation. At the end, with the great city in ruins, what is left is not the storyteller but her words:

I, Pampa Kampana, am the author of this book.
I have lived to see an empire rise and fall.
How are they remembered now, these kings, these queens?
They exist now only in words . . .
I myself am nothing now. All that remains is this city of words.
Words are the only victors.

The Goodreads summary provides a brief overview,

In the wake of an insignificant battle between two long-forgotten kingdoms in fourteenth-century southern India, a nine-year-old girl has a divine encounter that will change the course of history. After witnessing her mother’s death, the grief-stricken Pampa Kampana becomes a vessel for the goddess Parvati, who begins to speak out of the girl’s mouth. Granting her powers beyond Pampa Kampana’s comprehension, the goddess tells her that she will be instrumental in the rise of a great city called Bisnaga–literally victory city–the wonder of the world.

Over the next two hundred and fifty years, Pampa Kampana’s life becomes deeply interwoven with Bisnaga’s, from its literal sowing out of a bag of magic seeds to its tragic ruination in the most human of ways: the hubris of those in power. Whispering Bisnaga and its citizens into existence, Pampa Kampana attempts to make good on Parvati’s task: giving women equal agency in a patriarchal world. But all stories have a way of getting away from their creator, and Bisnaga is no exception. As years pass, rulers come and go, battles are won and lost, and allegiances shift, the very fabric of Bisnaga becomes an ever more complex tapestry–with Pampa Kampana at its center.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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