Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Lighting a Candle for Jan!

Lighting a Candle for Jan!

Jan LilienChanukah begins tomorrow evening.

I will light the candles for eight nights alone, even though Jan is still with me and always will be.

Today, in my Saturday grief support group, we did a candle-lighting memorial service.

My voice quivered like a broken guitar string.

But I spoke Jan’s name and expressed gratitude for her love and support.

I read a poem by Mary Alice Ramish before we lit our candles.

Those we love remain with us for love itself lives on,
and cherished memories never fade because a loved one’s gone.
Those we love can never be more than a thought apart,
far as long as there is memory, they’ll live on in the heart.

Jan has been embedded in my heart since the day we met.

When I kissed her on the top of her head, it was a message that our love would never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Remembering Jan Lilien

Jan's legacy will not be what she achieved in her lifetime, but the dozens and dozens of people she inspired and empowered to continue that work.
The Candy House

The Candy House: A Novel

The Candy House: A Novel by Jennifer Egan focuses on a new technology that allows you access to every memory you've ever had and to share your memories in exchange for access to the memories of others—it has seduced multitudes. According to the NYTimes, "this is minimalist maximalism. As a widow, I live in a world of memories, but I would not want them shared as they are in The Candy House. "It's as if Egan compressed a big 19th-century novel onto a flash drive."

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Soaked to the Bone

Soaked to the Bone

Jan and Oscar

Jan always worried that my commitment to walking every day would endanger me.

Rainy and snowy days were of most significant concern.

When Superstorm Sandy‘s eye landed, I walked our dog, Oscar.

Transformers were flickering off, and even though it was not raining much, the wind gusts wet Oscar and me from head to toe.

Today, I was soaked to the bones from a light but steady shower.

Returning home, I had to toss my sweats into the dryer along with my socks.

Although I am safe and sound, I accept that one day, I may not be able to walk in inclement weather.

My morning walk was shorter than most, only five miles.

I walk daily for mental and physical health.

Walking clears my head and allows me to remember Jan’s love.

I will be grateful for her love and support as long as I live.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Raindrops on My Head!

Today's walk was into two unequal timeframes.

The lingering showers of Tropical Storm Nicole had, I thought, played out overnight.

The tropical rain drenched me like a wet mop less than five minutes from home.

My desire to continue on the route undeterred by Mother Nature became impossible.

Jan always worried if I could adjust to circumstances beyond my control.

What if the weather turned on a dime, and you could not return home to me?

A Crescent Moon Behind Jan's Wind Sculpture

Sharing Jan’s Love Newsletter December Issue

Remembering Jan at Camp Widow!The December issue of Sharing Jan’s Love Newsletter includes articles on:

True Love Never Dies – “Relationships can die, but true love never does. I wear my wedding ring because I still love her. That is my only answer.”

The post is about our love, faith, and family journey. However, dear reader, this is a change from my prior posts. It is not memories of Jan and the love we shared. It is an attempt at historical fiction. It is based on some events that occurred. It is not finished.

However, like all historical fiction, it asks the proverbial what-if questions. This story presumes that a frightening episode at the time had not strengthened our love and devotion.

The newsletter updates The Jan Lilien Memorial Triangle Garden, including Jan’s Purple Wind Sculpture, both in Hanson Park. Please consider making a tax-deductible donation to The Jan Lilien Education Fund. I will match dollar-for-dollar.

Short stream posts on:

I have reviewed recent books:

  1. A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles
  2. Lucy by the Sea: A Novel by Elizabeth Strout
  3. On the Rooftop: A Novel by Margaret Wilkerson Sexton
  4. Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri.

Thanks! Best wishes for a healthy and happy holiday season!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Sharing Jan’s Love November Issue

The November issue includes articles on:

  1. Jan's Memorial Garden - Working with the Hanson Park Conservancy, we have taken significant steps in building Jan's Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park, including a video of the installation of the Wind Sculpture, and
  2. The Promised Land - "What is my sweetheart thinking about," I asked as I kissed Jan's cheek. "I am happy to be with my husband in the promised land."

Both are stories about our love, faith, and the family's journey.

One Hundred Thirteen Point Four Miles

One Hundred Thirteen Point Four Miles

Jan and Richard Walking

Jan and Richard Walking

I walk; therefore, I am!

I walk every day, rain, shine, snow, or tiredness.

Today, I completed my Apple Watch’s fourteen-day challenge to walk 8.1 miles per day.

Albeit, I walk more than that each day; the total miles walked in fourteen days equals one hundred thirteen point four (113.4).

The total of feet that I have walked is 598,752.

However, one counts the distance; it is an accomplishment I never believed I could do.

Age, tired bones, teeth chattering cold, and inertia constantly seek to keep me in bed every morning.

As I wrote almost a year ago,

Grief may dominate my life now, but walking soothes my soul, clears my mind, and exercises my body.

My walks are completed sans music. Instead, I listen to the melody of love.

Jan is with me now, not only when I walk but also when I cry.

Love never dies!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Why I Walk Every Day

Even though grief is currently the main focus of my life, I have found comfort in taking walks. Walking helps me to clear my mind, stay physically active, and feel connected to my loved ones. Each step brings me closer to Jan, the love of my life, and reminds me that love never dies; it can be reignited with every step we take.

Show thread (1)

Who Am I Without Jan?

Who Am I Without Jan?

Jan and Richard at YWCA Gala

Last Friday, Rabbi Dr. Renee Edelman raised an existential question. What are the names that identify or describe us? Often, as a child, we may have nicknames (mine was Ricky). Our partners may identify with loving names. We may have work titles. Since becoming a widow, far too often, that is the only term used to identify me.

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Am I Only a Widow?

Since Jan died a year ago, I still identify as married and not a widow.

Many of my fellow widows identify as members of a widow tribe.

Has my life been so drained by Jan's death that I am now only a checkbox on a form?

No, I am and always will be more than only a widow.

Show thread (1)

Twelfth Night on the Eleventh

Twelfth Night on the Eleventh

Happy together!Yesterday my grandson and I attended Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare at the Shakespeare Theatre of NJ.

It was the end of the season that both of us thoroughly enjoyed.

I often speak about going without Jan to the theatre, dinner, or a holiday party in the next few weeks.

Like King Solomon, my answer is an equal division between yea and nay.

Of course, if possible, I would prefer to attend with Jan.

Attending with my grandson is also a joy.

As the director, Jason King Jones, wrote in his notes for the play,

Twelfth Night is a beautiful comedy because, just as the seasonal and religious remembrances of this time of year remind us, death is a part of life. To celebrate our lives fully requires that we acknowledge our limitations, including our mortality, to more fully appreciate the gifts we have. Whether we like it or not, ‘the rain, it raineth every day.

Yes, it raineth every day, sometimes with joy and other days with sadness.

However, accepting my mortality and the loss of the love of my life gives me the ability to appreciate the gifts I have received.

Among these is the love Jan and I shared and the unmeasurable pleasure of having my grandson by my side to celebrate the full measure of life.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



April is an Enchanted Month

Enchanted April by Matthew Barber at the Shakespeare Theatre of NJ.

The play is from the novel by Elizabeth von Arnim and, of course, directed by Bonnie J. Monte.

It was, as expected, an incredible performance. 

Beauty made you love, and love made you beautiful.

Elizabeth von Arnim, The Enchanted April.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Lighting a Candle for Jan!
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The Candy House

Read: December 2022

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The Candy House: A Novel

by Jennifer Egan

The Candy House: A Novel by Jennifer Egan focuses on a new technology that allows you access to every memory you’ve ever had and to share your memories in exchange for access to the memories of others—it has seduced multitudes. According to the NYTimes, “this is minimalist maximalism. As a widow, I live in a world of memories, but I would not want them shared as they are in The Candy House. “It’s as if Egan compressed a big 19th-century novel onto a flash drive.”

Of course, I am not able to access my unconscious memories. Albeit in an amateur way, I write down some of my memories as they remind me of the power of the love that Jan and I shared. For example, the essay when I met Jan rekindles the memory and attempts to tell the story the way it happened, not how some would like it to be remembered.

The Candy House is one of the NYTimes’ top five fiction books of 2022. I have read two of them, The Furrows and Checkout 19. Initially, I was overwhelmed by the multitude of characters and was confused. By the novel’s middle, their interconnectedness helped me understand its real meaning. In the end, Egan delivers a fierce and exhilarating testament to the tenacity and transcendence of human longing for authentic connection, love, family, privacy, and redemption. As a widow, authenticity Is what I need to heal.

The Candy House is the seventieth (70) book I have read this year. 

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

It’s 2010. Staggeringly successful and brilliant tech entrepreneur Bix Bouton is desperate for a new idea. He’s forty, with four kids, and restless when he stumbles into a conversation with mostly Columbia professors, one of whom is experimenting with downloading or “externalizing” memory. Within a decade, Bix’s new technology, Own Your Unconscious—that allows you access to every memory you’ve ever had and to share every memory in exchange for access to the memories of others—has seduced multitudes. But not everyone.

In spellbinding linked narratives, Egan spins out the consequences of Own Your Unconscious through the lives of multiple characters whose paths intersect over several decades. Egan introduces these characters in an astonishing array of styles—from omniscient to first person plural to a duet of voices, an epistolary chapter, and a chapter of tweets. In the world of Egan’s spectacular imagination, there are “counters” who track and exploit desires and “eluders” who understand the price of taking a bite of the Candy House.

Intellectually dazzling and extraordinarily moving, The Candy House is a bold, brilliant imagining of a world that is moments away. With a focus on social media, gaming, and alternate worlds, you can almost experience moving among dimensions in a role-playing game.​ Egan delivers a fierce and exhilarating testament to the tenacity and transcendence of human longing for real connection, love, family, privacy, and redemption.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Soaked to the Bone
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A Crescent Moon Behind Jan's Wind Sculpture
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One Hundred Thirteen Point Four Miles
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Who Am I Without Jan?
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Twelfth Night on the Eleventh
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Fire Exit: A Novel

Read: June 2024

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Fire Exit: A Novel

by Morgan Talty

Today, I started reading the novel “Fire Exit” by Morgan Talty. The book is the debut novel of the award-winning author of “Night of the Living Rez,” Morgan Talty. “Fire Exit” is a compelling story that explores the themes of family, legacy, culture, and our complex obligations toward one another. These are themes that I have focused on after losing my wife.

The protagonist, Charles Lamosway, lives by a river near Maine’s Penobscot Reservation. He watches his neighbor Elizabeth grow up, from her early days to her twenties, but he holds a secret: Elizabeth is his daughter, a truth he can no longer conceal.

Charles becomes anxious when he hasn’t seen Elizabeth for weeks. As he tries to hold on to his home, look after his friend Bobby and his mother Louise, and grapple with his past, Charles is forced to confront painful memories and ask himself difficult questions. Is it his place to share the secret about Elizabeth, and would she want to know the truth even if it means losing everything she has ever known?

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Move Like Water: My Story of the Sea

Read: October 2023

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Move Like Water: My Story of the Sea

by Hannah Stowe

I recently started reading a book called “Move Like Water: My Story of the Sea” by Hannah Stowe. It’s a captivating book that immerses you in a world of water, whales, storms, and starlight, allowing you to experience what it’s like to sail for weeks and live life to a new rhythm.

Hannah Stowe, a marine biologist and sailor in her mid-twenties, grew up on the Pembrokeshire coast of Wales, where she fell asleep to the sound of the lighthouse beam. Drawing upon her experiences sailing tens of thousands of miles in various seas, including the North Sea, North Atlantic, Mediterranean, Celtic Sea, and the Caribbean, she explores the human connection to the wild waters. Stowe ponders why she and others are drawn to life at sea and what we can learn from the water around us.

Stowe intertwines her narrative and illustrations with stories of six keystone marine creatures: the fire crow, sperm whale, wandering albatross, humpback whale, shearwater, and barnacle. Through these stories, she invites readers to fall in love with the sea and its inhabitants and to discover the majesty, wonder, and fragility of the underwater world.

If you enjoy the works of Rachel Carson and Annie Dillard, then “Move Like Water: My Story of the Sea” is a must-read. It’s an inspiring and heartfelt tribute to the sea, a testimony to pursuing and achieving a dream, and an unforgettable introduction to a talented new nature writer.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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The Worst Hard Time

Read: September 2019

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The Worst Hard Time

by Timothy Egan

The Worst Hard Time: The Untold Story of Those Who Survived the Great American Dust Bowl by Timothy Egan was initially a book I selected from the e-library because nothing else I wanted to read was available. Once I started reading the book, I could not put it down.

Now that we have had the warmest summer since 1936 during the dust bowl, the book has even more meaning.

According to The New York Times,

The dust storms that terrorized the High Plains in the darkest years of the Depression were like nothing ever seen before or since. Timothy Egan’s critically acclaimed account rescues this iconic chapter of American history from the shadows in a tour de force of historical reportage. Following a dozen families and their communities through the rise and fall of the region, Egan tells of their desperate attempts to carry on through blinding black dust blizzards, crop failure, and the death of loved ones. Brilliantly capturing the terrifying drama of catastrophe, Egan does equal justice to the human characters who become his heroes, “the stoic, long-suffering men and women whose lives he opens up with urgency and respect.”

With the likelihood of more ecological catastrophes in the immediate future, this is a book I highly recommend.

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Jaded: A Novel

Read: April 2024

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Jaded: A Novel

by Ela Lee

Today, I started reading “Jaded: A Novel” by Ela Lee. The main character’s name is Jade, which isn’t even her real name. Jade began using it as her Starbucks name because all children of immigrants have a Starbucks name. “Jaded” is a must-read book for fans of “Queenie” and “I May Destroy You.” It offers a blistering—and sometimes darkly funny—account of consent, power, race, sexism, and identity in a broken society.

Jade has accomplished everything she ever wanted.

She’s a successful lawyer, a dutiful daughter, a beloved girlfriend, and a loyal friend. However, everything starts to crumble when she wakes up the morning after a work event, naked and alone, with no idea how she got home. Jade is caught between her parents, who can’t understand, her boyfriend, who feels betrayed, and her job, which expects silence.

Jade thought she was everything she ever wanted to be. But now she feels like nothing at all.

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Leadership: In Turbulent Times

Read: January 2019

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Leadership: In Turbulent Times

by Doris Kearns Goodwin

A Book for Our Turbulent Times

Leadership: In Turbulent Times by Doris Kearns Goodwin, one of America’s best presidential historians, offers an illuminating exploration of the early development, growth and exercise of leadership as demonstrated by Presidents Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, FDR and Johnson.

I received this book for Hanukkah from my granddaughter and son Mike and his girlfriend Elyssa. They know me very well. A book by Ms. Goodwin is always a must read. If you add in Lincoln, the two Roosevelt’s and LBJ, it is a book I cannot put down.

This NPR interview with Ms. Goodwin is worth listening to.

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How to Love Your Daughter

Read: August 2023

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How to Love Your Daughter

by Hila Blum

I started reading a novel called “How to Love Your Daughter,” written by Hila Blum and translated by Daniella Zamir today. The book explores a complicated relationship between a mother and her grown daughter. It raises the question of how much harm we can do to our loved ones when love blinds us.

The story takes place thousands of miles away from home, where a woman finds herself peeking through well-lit windows at her two granddaughters. She has never met them before, as they are the daughters of her estranged daughter, whom she hasn’t seen in years.

The book’s central theme revolves around the woman’s attempt to understand how a once-loving relationship between her and her daughter ended up in such a distant and unfathomable state. The story shifts past and present as the woman unravels her memories and long-buried emotions. She tries to make sense of the seemingly insignificant moments of parental care that, combined, may have undermined what she valued most.

The author, Blum, skillfully delves into the complexities of family life, where a parent can easily cross the line between protectiveness and possession without even realizing it. The story leaves us wondering whether it’s possible ever to find our way back from such a point.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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