Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Soaked to the Bone

Soaked to the Bone

Jan and Oscar

Jan always worried that my commitment to walking every day would endanger me.

Rainy and snowy days were of most significant concern.

When Superstorm Sandy‘s eye landed, I walked our dog, Oscar.

Transformers were flickering off, and even though it was not raining much, the wind gusts wet Oscar and me from head to toe.

Today, I was soaked to the bones from a light but steady shower.

Returning home, I had to toss my sweats into the dryer along with my socks.

Although I am safe and sound, I accept that one day, I may not be able to walk in inclement weather.

My morning walk was shorter than most, only five miles.

I walk daily for mental and physical health.

Walking clears my head and allows me to remember Jan’s love.

I will be grateful for her love and support as long as I live.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Raindrops on My Head!

Today's walk was into two unequal timeframes.

The lingering showers of Tropical Storm Nicole had, I thought, played out overnight.

The tropical rain drenched me like a wet mop less than five minutes from home.

My desire to continue on the route undeterred by Mother Nature became impossible.

Jan always worried if I could adjust to circumstances beyond my control.

What if the weather turned on a dime, and you could not return home to me?

A Crescent Moon Behind Jan's Wind Sculpture

Sharing Jan’s Love Newsletter December Issue

Remembering Jan at Camp Widow!The December issue of Sharing Jan’s Love Newsletter includes articles on:

True Love Never Dies – “Relationships can die, but true love never does. I wear my wedding ring because I still love her. That is my only answer.”

The post is about our love, faith, and family journey. However, dear reader, this is a change from my prior posts. It is not memories of Jan and the love we shared. It is an attempt at historical fiction. It is based on some events that occurred. It is not finished.

However, like all historical fiction, it asks the proverbial what-if questions. This story presumes that a frightening episode at the time had not strengthened our love and devotion.

The newsletter updates The Jan Lilien Memorial Triangle Garden, including Jan’s Purple Wind Sculpture, both in Hanson Park. Please consider making a tax-deductible donation to The Jan Lilien Education Fund. I will match dollar-for-dollar.

Short stream posts on:

I have reviewed recent books:

  1. A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles
  2. Lucy by the Sea: A Novel by Elizabeth Strout
  3. On the Rooftop: A Novel by Margaret Wilkerson Sexton
  4. Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri.

Thanks! Best wishes for a healthy and happy holiday season!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Sharing Jan’s Love November Issue

The November issue includes articles on:

  1. Jan's Memorial Garden - Working with the Hanson Park Conservancy, we have taken significant steps in building Jan's Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park, including a video of the installation of the Wind Sculpture, and
  2. The Promised Land - "What is my sweetheart thinking about," I asked as I kissed Jan's cheek. "I am happy to be with my husband in the promised land."

Both are stories about our love, faith, and the family's journey.

One Hundred Thirteen Point Four Miles

One Hundred Thirteen Point Four Miles

Jan and Richard Walking

Jan and Richard Walking

I walk; therefore, I am!

I walk every day, rain, shine, snow, or tiredness.

Today, I completed my Apple Watch’s fourteen-day challenge to walk 8.1 miles per day.

Albeit, I walk more than that each day; the total miles walked in fourteen days equals one hundred thirteen point four (113.4).

The total of feet that I have walked is 598,752.

However, one counts the distance; it is an accomplishment I never believed I could do.

Age, tired bones, teeth chattering cold, and inertia constantly seek to keep me in bed every morning.

As I wrote almost a year ago,

Grief may dominate my life now, but walking soothes my soul, clears my mind, and exercises my body.

My walks are completed sans music. Instead, I listen to the melody of love.

Jan is with me now, not only when I walk but also when I cry.

Love never dies!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Why I Walk Every Day

Even though grief is currently the main focus of my life, I have found comfort in taking walks. Walking helps me to clear my mind, stay physically active, and feel connected to my loved ones. Each step brings me closer to Jan, the love of my life, and reminds me that love never dies; it can be reignited with every step we take.

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Who Am I Without Jan?

Who Am I Without Jan?

Jan and Richard at YWCA Gala

Last Friday, Rabbi Dr. Renee Edelman raised an existential question. What are the names that identify or describe us? Often, as a child, we may have nicknames (mine was Ricky). Our partners may identify with loving names. We may have work titles. Since becoming a widow, far too often, that is the only term used to identify me.

Continue reading →

Am I Only a Widow?

Since Jan died a year ago, I still identify as married and not a widow.

Many of my fellow widows identify as members of a widow tribe.

Has my life been so drained by Jan's death that I am now only a checkbox on a form?

No, I am and always will be more than only a widow.

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Twelfth Night on the Eleventh

Twelfth Night on the Eleventh

Happy together!Yesterday my grandson and I attended Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare at the Shakespeare Theatre of NJ.

It was the end of the season that both of us thoroughly enjoyed.

I often speak about going without Jan to the theatre, dinner, or a holiday party in the next few weeks.

Like King Solomon, my answer is an equal division between yea and nay.

Of course, if possible, I would prefer to attend with Jan.

Attending with my grandson is also a joy.

As the director, Jason King Jones, wrote in his notes for the play,

Twelfth Night is a beautiful comedy because, just as the seasonal and religious remembrances of this time of year remind us, death is a part of life. To celebrate our lives fully requires that we acknowledge our limitations, including our mortality, to more fully appreciate the gifts we have. Whether we like it or not, ‘the rain, it raineth every day.

Yes, it raineth every day, sometimes with joy and other days with sadness.

However, accepting my mortality and the loss of the love of my life gives me the ability to appreciate the gifts I have received.

Among these is the love Jan and I shared and the unmeasurable pleasure of having my grandson by my side to celebrate the full measure of life.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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April is an Enchanted Month

Enchanted April by Matthew Barber at the Shakespeare Theatre of NJ.

The play is from the novel by Elizabeth von Arnim and, of course, directed by Bonnie J. Monte.

It was, as expected, an incredible performance. 

Beauty made you love, and love made you beautiful.

Elizabeth von Arnim, The Enchanted April.

Every Door is an Exit to the Future

Every Door is an Exit to the Future

Jan Lilien and Richard Brown, Wedding Day, August 9, 1975

Jan Lilien and Richard Brown, Wedding Day, August 9, 1975,

The tunnel of grief we are traversing is not a cul-de-sac; it is an underpass with an opening.

The challenge is to remain vigilant until the end of our journey.

Since I heard Jan was coming home for hospice, I have stayed focused on my pilgrimage thru all the lonely and dark days and nights.

It has never been easy, but I have become far more resilient, as grief is a great teacher.

I have written about love, grief, life, and all things considered.

With Hanson Park, I have created the Jan Lilien Memorial Garden with a Wind Sculpture and the Jan Lllien Education Fund.

Yet I have found myself confused over the almost twenty months since the commencement of the mourning.

What bewilders me is how, if possible, to exit from this odyssey.

Is there more than one exit?

Many of my fellow widows are partnering. Is that the only means of ending our grief?

My preference is that there are multiple doors, as Tom Stoppard opined, and each “exit is an entry somewhere.”

I believe I am still married. The exit I desire is one in that Jan’s spirit will be with me, and together we can continue to repair the world.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Am I Still Married or Am I Widowed?

Am I still married, or am I widowed? is a question that I mull over.

Most of my family and friends never think about it as they are sure I am a widow, and they based this on the legal and religious definition of marriage only lasting "till death do us part."

I always believed Jan and I were married for eternity when we met.

Grief is a great teacher

Grief is a Great Teacher

Jon, Jan, and MikeBefore Jan died, I was convinced that I was a compassionate person.

I worked to repair the world, donated as much as possible, and cared about family, friends, and neighbors.

Oh, how little I understood about life.

As I pray every week at Temple Sha’arey Shalom when we remember those we lost in this passage, one of our readings is:

Grief is a great teacher when it sends us back to serve and bless the living. We learn how to counsel and comfort those who, like ourselves, are bowed with sorrow. We learn when to keep silent in their presence and when a word will assure them of our love and concern.

Without training or support, I have helped other widows, shared Jan’s love, and supported financially and as a volunteer work to repair our broken world.

Another reading from Shabbat services,

Thus, even when they are gone, the departed are with us, moving us to live as, in their higher moments, they themselves wished to live. We remember them now; they live in our hearts; they are an abiding blessing.

Jan is still with me now and forever. Her love will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Jan’sng Jan’s Love blog.



Lessons Learned

As a recent widow, I have learned that I now live a life I would not have chosen.

Like other widows I have met on my journey, I am a stranger in this new land.

Like others who have lost the love of their lives, I cry out in pain.

I have learned to do everything on my own. Like my fellow widows, we support each other during these difficult times.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Soaked to the Bone
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A Crescent Moon Behind Jan's Wind Sculpture
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One Hundred Thirteen Point Four Miles
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Who Am I Without Jan?
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Twelfth Night on the Eleventh
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Every Door is an Exit to the Future
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Grief is a great teacher
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The Anniversary

Read: July 2023

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The Anniversary

by Stephanie Bishop

I began reading Stephanie Bishop‘s novel, The Anniversary, today. The Anniversary is a brilliantly written novel with a gripping and fast-paced storyline. It poses some interesting questions: how blurred is the boundary between reality and fiction in a writer’s thoughts? How can we reject those we yearn for? And what are the consequences for ourselves, others, and our creativity if we don’t?

J.B. Blackwood, a novelist, is on a cruise with her husband, Patrick, to celebrate their wedding anniversary. Her husband is much older than her and was her former professor, film director, and cult figure. When they first met, he appeared ageless, like a god in the eyes of those who worship them. However, his success is dwindling, while J.B. is on the verge of winning a major literary prize. Previously, her husband always oversaw her art, but now it may overshadow him.

As they sail in the sun for days, with only dark water surrounding them, a storm unexpectedly strikes, and Patrick falls from the ship. J.B. is left alone, and the search for the truth about their marriage and what happened to Patrick begins.

The Anniversary is highly recommended for readers who enjoy Lisa Halliday and Susan Choi’s works. The story revolves around a talented writer who has to confront the unresolved death of her spouse and find the courage to stand on her own. It is a captivating page-turner that will keep you hooked till the end.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Everything's Fine

Read: June 2023

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Everything’s Fine

by Cecilia Rabess

I started reading Everything’s Fine by Cecilia Rabess today, a stunning debut introducing a talented new author. However, I found it easier to decide to read it after reading in the New York Times that some reviewers on Goodreads criticized the book’s premise without reading it. It’s unfair to criticize something after experiencing it first-hand.

On Jess’s first day at Goldman Sachs, she’s disappointed to learn that she’ll be working with Josh, a white conservative she used to argue with in college. Josh enjoys playing devil’s advocate and can be challenging to deal with.

But when Jess realizes she’s the only Black woman on the team and is being overlooked, Josh offers his support in imperfect but meaningful ways. As they develop an unlikely friendship with undeniable chemistry, it eventually becomes an electrifying romance that shocks them both.

Despite their differences, their attraction brings them together, and Jess starts to question whether happiness is more important than being right. However, as the cultural and political landscape shifts in 2016, Jess, who is just discovering herself, must decide what she’s willing to compromise for love and if everything is excellent. This poignant and sharp novel by Cecilia Rabess asks if they will and if they should.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Booth

Read: January 2023

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Booth: A Novel

by Karen Joy Fowler

Booth by Karen Joy Fowler was on my to-read list for several months. Booth is an epic and intimate novel about the family behind one of the most infamous figures in American history: John Wilkes Booth. I have always been fascinated by history, especially the Civil War. Booth is a startling portrait of a country in the throes of change and a vivid exploration of the ties that make and break a family. It is the second book I have read this year.

Ms. Fowler struggled with how to write this novel without focusing on the cruelest member of the Booth family. She succeeded, but I sometimes felt confused about the type of book I was reading. Was it historical fiction or a textbook?

In the afterword, she admits that there is more of the story in the children of the siblings of John Wilkes Booth. I wish I knew more about that generation and how they responded to the notoriety. A family tree would have helped as there are many family members.

I recommend Booth as history is a dynamic lesson we must keep studying.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

In 1822, a secret family moved into a secret cabin some thirty miles northeast of Baltimore to farm, hide, and bear ten children over the next sixteen years. Junius Booth–breadwinner, celebrated Shakespearean actor, and master of the house in more ways than one–is at once a mesmerizing talent and a man of terrifying instability. One by one, the children arrive, as year by year, the country draws frighteningly closer to the boiling point of secession and civil war.

As the tenor of the world shifts, the Booths emerge from their hidden lives to cement their place as one of the country’s leading theatrical families. But behind the curtains of the many stages they have graced, multiple scandals, family triumphs, and criminal disasters begin to take their toll, and the solemn siblings of John Wilkes Booth are left to reckon with the truth behind the destructively specious promise of an early prophecy.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Stone Yard Devotional: A Novel

Read: February 2025

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Stone Yard Devotional: A Novel

by Charlotte Wood

Today, I dove into Charlotte Wood‘s captivating novel, “Stone Yard Devotional.” I couldn’t resist picking it up after discovering a glowing review by Joumana Khatib. She expressed her fondness for the book in the New York Times Book Review Newsletter, saying, “I’m still so enamored of Charlotte Wood’s novel.” It’s impressive that this work was a finalist for the Booker Prize last year! I’m eager to read the book to determine if it is a “love story,” as Ms. Khatib believes.

Burnt out and needing a retreat, a middle-aged woman leaves Sydney to return to her childhood home, taking refuge in a small religious community hidden away on the stark plains of rural Australia. She does not believe in God and is unfamiliar with the concept of prayer, finding herself living this strange, reclusive existence almost by accident.

However, her secluded life is disrupted by three significant events. First, a terrible mouse plague marks a new battle against the growing infestation daily. Second, the skeletal remains of a sister who disappeared decades ago and was presumed murdered return. Finally, a troubling visitor brings her further into her past.

Meditative, moving, and finely observed, “Stone Yard Devotional” is a seminal novel from a writer of rare power. It explores the meaning of retreating from the world, forgiveness’s true nature, and grief‘s lasting effects on the human soul.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!


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Something About Living

Read: November 2024

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Something About Living

by Lena Khalaf Tuffaha

I recently read “Something About Living” by Lena Khalaf Tuffaha, a poet and essayist whose work resonates deeply. The book of poems won the 2024 National Book Award for Poetry and delved into Palestinian life through the lens of the American language, revealing a legacy of obfuscation and erasure. It questions what happens when language packages ongoing disasters for consumption and disposal.

As a Jew supporting a two-state solution, I initially hesitated to read this collection of poems. However, I was pleasantly surprised by the lyrical beauty of the verses, which explore love not just as an emotion but as a transformative force and “a radical act.” Every poem that genuinely resonated with me. “Something About Living” is a book I highly recommend for its depth and insight!

Ms. Khalaf Tuffaha has an incredible literary repertoire; her previous work, “Water & Salt,” earned the esteemed 2018 Washington State Book Award, while “Kaan & Her Sisters” was a finalist for the Firecracker Award. In addition, “Something About Living” also received the 2022 Akron Prize for Poetry. I’m excited to explore her profound insights and lyrical mastery!

Adrian Matejka, the author of “Somebody Else Sold the World,” has written about “Something About Living,”

“It’s nearly impossible to write poetry that simultaneously holds the human desire for joy and the insistent agitations of protest, but Lena Khalaf Tuffaha‘s gorgeous and wide-ranging new collection Something About Living does just that. Her poems interweave Palestine’s historic suffering, the challenges of living in this world full of violence and ill will, and the gentle delights we embrace to survive that violence. Khalaf Tuffaha’s elegant poems sing the fractured songs of Diaspora while remaining clear-eyed to the cause of the fracturing: the multinational hubris of colonialism and greed. This collection is her witness to our collective unraveling, vowel by vowel, syllable by syllable. “Let the plural be a return of us,” the speaker of “On the Thirtieth Friday We Consider Plurals” says and this plurality is our tenuous humanity and the deep need to hang on to kindness in our communities. In these poems Khalaf Tuffaha reminds us that love isn’t an idea; it is a radical act. Especially for those who, like this poet, travel through the world vigilantly, but steadfastly remain heart first.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!


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The Great Divide: A Novel

Read: June 2024

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The Great Divide: A Novel

by Cristina Henriquez

I began to read “The Great Divide: A Novel” by Cristina Henriquez today. The book stood out for its compassionate exploration of the lives of activists, fishmongers, laborers, journalists, neighbors, doctors, and soothsayers. It sheds light on individuals whose essential contributions history overlooks. The novel weaves these characters’ stories in a unique and compelling narrative structure.

Set against the backdrop of the yet-to-be-built Panama Canal, the book delves into the lives of various characters. Francisco, a local fisherman, resents the foreign powers vying for control of his homeland. His son, Omar, works in the excavation zone, seeking connection in a rapidly changing world.

Sixteen-year-old Ada Bunting, from Barbados, stows away in Panama to find work and fund her ailing sister’s surgery. When she encounters Omar, who collapsed after a grueling shift, she rushes to his aid, setting off a chain of events that will change their lives.

John Oswald, a scientist dedicated to eliminating malaria, is in Panama when his wife, Marian, falls ill. Witnessing Ada’s bravery and compassion, he hires her as a caregiver, setting off a tale of ambition, loyalty, and sacrifice.

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