Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Mike and Wes

Smiling Wes Won My Heart!

Mike and WesToday, my happy, smiling grandson, Wes Jude Nucero, is four months old!

When I met him, his smile was identical to grandma Jan’s.

Both of their smiles mesmerized me.

We inherit many traits from our family, but the most precious one is our personality.

Jan’s gift to Wes is priceless.

Although Jan is still with me in spirit, I can experience her smile whenever I look at Wes!

May Wes be blessed with happiness today and every day!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Wes Jude Has Jan’s Smile

Every time I come across Wes Jude or see photos shared by Elyssa or Mike, I can't help but notice the striking resemblance between his smile and that of his grandmother, Jan. Both smiles exude pure joy and are truly mesmerizing. Jan's smile was always a source of delight for my heart and soul, as it reflected unique and beautiful new images.

Wes's infectious smiles have been a source of comfort during a difficult time and have renewed my faith in the future. He has become integral to my life, and I no longer dwell on the past. May Wes's smiles shine bright as a symbol of hope and love that endure beyond life's challenges.

Walking Into My Future!

Walking Into My Future!

Jan Lead's YWCA Strides for Strength WalkI have always walked and will continue to do so as long as I live.

Each step that I take keeps me moving forward.

Being a widow is not easy.

Grief can grab me anytime and pull me back into despair even when I believe I am doing OK.

More often than not, I have been holding my breath to make sure I can take the next step.

Walking allows me to connect to Jan with each step. She is always with me, but I feel closer to her while afoot.

As the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said,

If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.

I do not know what my future will be, but my walks have begun to define the boundaries of my life without Jan.

Love never dies; it is rekindled one step at a time.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Why I Walk Every Day

Even though grief is currently the main focus of my life, I have found comfort in taking walks. Walking helps me to clear my mind, stay physically active, and feel connected to my loved ones. Each step brings me closer to Jan, the love of my life, and reminds me that love never dies; it can be reignited with every step we take.

Life is Good Despite a Few Bad Days

Life is Good Despite a Few Bad Days

Life is Good Despite a Few Bad DaysSome days, it isn’t easy to see the beauty in life.

I try to remind myself to breathe, take a step back, and remember the wonderful life Jan and I shared.

As Viktor Frankl observed, “Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire.”

When we met, Jan and I knew that our love was unique and would be transformative.

When life gets me down, Jan’s words of wisdom lift me,

Richard, you are capable, you are strong, and I believe in you.

Today, I share a video from 2010 that reminds me of the power of love and the gratitude I have for the life we shared.

Our love will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Dust Myself Off and Start Over

Jan and I believed in the message in the lyrics by Nat King Cole,

Pick yourself up... Take a deep breath... Dust yourself off And start all over again.

I am reminded of those words as I approach the final hours of my move to a smaller apartment.

The Furrows- A Novel

The Furrows: A Novel

The Furrows: A Novel by Namwali Serpell is a bold exploration of memory and mourning that twists unexpectedly into a story of mistaken identity, double consciousness, and the wishful—and sometimes willful—longing for reunion with those we've lost. Namwali Serpell's remarkable new novel captures the uncanny experience of grief, the way the past breaks over the present like waves in the sea. I highly recommend this book.

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Love Your Neighbor

Love Your Neighbor

Jan with a Therapy DogSunday, I went to Church.

I worship at Temple Sha’arey Shalom, so going to a church on Sunday is unusual.

Yesterday, I was invited by JoAnn, a friend, as she was preaching in place of her pastor, who was on vacation.

Her message was “Love Your Neighbor, Faith in Action.”

JoAnn delivered an important message about how we are all children of God and deserve to be accepted as we are and to love and be loved.

On my grief journey, the love of family and friends, especially new widows, has made it possible for me to not only live without Jan by my side.

When I arrived home, I opened Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson.

I read her poem about how we are all mini miracles.

Hello and

good morning
in case no one has told you
yet today
you are more than ok
and more ok than you think keep
doing what you’re doing keep
going where you’re going
everything is unfolding as it should
even if you can’t see it right now
and most importantly

You are loved

You are made of mini miracles
you strike awe in someone’s heart
you are irreplaceably impressive
you are spectacular as you are

The love that Jan and I shared will never die. I share her passion freely, as we are all mini miracles!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Forever Grateful for Jan’s Love

I glanced at the coffee table and picked up Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson, and in the cold emptiness of my home, I read her poem about giving thanks. With a heart full of gratitude, I tied my shoes and walked in the darkness until the light filled my heart and illuminated my life path.

Embracing My Brokenness

Embracing My Brokenness

Jan and Richard Lovers ForeverLike all of us, I embrace a million shards of my brokenness.

My brokenness existed before Jan died, but now the shards have multiplied, and the fragments are dangerous.

None of us are perfect; until we embrace our brokenness, we have no hope of repairing our broken lives.

Frustrated over my lack of progress in repairing my brokenness, I opened Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson.

I read her poem on embracing damage in my chilly, barren home.

The Japanese have a method
of repairing broken things
they take fragments
shards pieces bits
and affix them back
together
with gold

The cracks
gilded in their splendor
make the whole
more beautiful
than it was before

This is the art
of embracing damage
this is recognizing beauty
in broken things

When Jan and I married, the Rabbi said,

Now Janice and Richard will break the glass wine bottle. Even as the glass shatters, so may their marriage never break! It is a clear message of the brokenness of their prior lives, and they will spend their lives putting the shards of glass back together as they build a life together.

We worked to build a life worth living every day we were married.

May I, now aa a widow, be blessed to be able to embrace my brokenness and seek to repair the damage?


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Broken but Resilient

We are all broken. The challenge is not to repair the shards of our lives but to accept our frailness and rise and overcome our weaknesses.

Before Jan died, I never doubted that I would be able to overcome my failures and pick myself up.

But in the early weeks as a widow, my life was shattered into a million pieces.

The suggestion that I might one day rise and heal was ludicrous.

End Domestic Violence Now!

End Domestic Violence Now!

The Janice C. Lilien Humanitarian Award

Tina Early, President, YWCA, M. Theresa Daniels, The Janice C. Lilien Humanitarian Awardee.

Jan was the CEO of the YWCA of Union County for the last twelve years of her life.

The YWCA’s mission is to eliminate racism, empower women, and promote peace, justice, freedom, and dignity.

In this context, YWCA Union County aims to empower survivors of domestic violence to become safe and free from abuse, promote social justice, and eliminate violence against women and girls.

Jan worked tirelessly to fulfill the mission of the YWCA. To help support the work of the YWCA, click here.

The YWCA Union County announced the creation of The Janice C. Lilien Humanitarian Award in memory of their CEO, who served the YWCA for over 12 years.

This year’s recipient was M. Theresa Daniels. She has devoted her career to advocating for women and families.

For more than 30 years, she has worked to improve services and policies for survivors of domestic and sexual violence and crime victims.

She has worked to enhance women’s health care, protect reproductive rights, support women’s leadership, and help women get elected to office.

It was an honor to be present when Ms. Daniels received the award this year and to hear the commitment of two women who climbed the second mountain seeking meaning and purpose in life!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Jan Lilien, Humanitarian

Jan climbed to the top of the second mountain because of the love shared and became a humanitarian. I am still climbing that mountain and learning from her.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Mike and Wes
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Walking Into My Future!
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Life is Good Despite a Few Bad Days
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The Furrows- A Novel

Read: October 2022

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The Furrows: A Novel

by Namwali Serpell

The Furrows: A Novel by Namwali Serpell is a bold exploration of memory and mourning that twists unexpectedly into a story of mistaken identity, double consciousness, and the wishful—and sometimes willful—longing for reunion with those we’ve lost. Namwali Serpell’s remarkable new novel captures the uncanny experience of grief, the way the past breaks over the present like waves in the sea. I highly recommend this book.

The Furrows: A Novel reminded me of my longing to be reunited with Jan. I know it is impossible, but that does not keep me from desiring the unattainable. Reading this novel helped me remind me that Jan is still with me in spirit and that is far better than reuniting with her.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Cassandra Williams is twelve, and her little brother Wayne is seven. One day, an accident happens when they’re alone together, and Wayne is lost forever. Or so it seems. Though his body is never recovered, their mother, unable to give up hope, launches an organization dedicated to missing children. Their father leaves and starts another family somewhere else.

As C grows older, she sees her brother everywhere: in coffee shops, airplane aisles, subway cars, and cities on either coast. Here is her brother’s more aging face, the light in his eyes, his lanky limbs, the way he seems to recognize her too. But it can’t be, of course. Or can it? Disaster strikes again, and C meets a man, both mysterious and strangely familiar, who is also searching for someone and his place in the world. His name is Wayne.

Namwali Serpell’s remarkable novel captures the ongoing and uncanny experience of grief–the past breaking over the present like waves in the sea. The Furrows is a bold and beautiful exploration of memory and mourning that twists unexpectedly into a masterful story of black identity, double consciousness, and the wishful and sometimes willful longing for reunion with those we’ve lost.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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Love Your Neighbor
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Embracing My Brokenness
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End Domestic Violence Now!
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Anxious People

Read: June 2022

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Anxious People

by Fredrik Backman

Anxious People by Fredrik Backman, a poignant comedy about a crime that never occurred. A would-be bank robber disappears into thin air, and eight highly anxious strangers find they have more in common than they ever imagined. Anxious People is a novel that Jan and I would have both enjoyed reading. It jumped off the e-book shelf while looking for a new book to read.

Although Anxious People is a humorous comedy, it is really about the enduring power of friendship, forgiveness and hope, which are the key to our survival as individuals, couples and communities. It is the core of what made the love that Jan and I shared special and unique, but it is also what I gain from my participation in my various grief groups as well as Friday night Shabbat services.

I highly recommend this book.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Viewing an apartment usually doesn’t turn into a life-or-death situation. Still, this particular open house becomes just that when a failed bank robber bursts in and takes everyone in the apartment hostage. As the pressure mounts, the eight strangers slowly open up to one another and reveal long-hidden truths.

First is Zara, a wealthy bank director who has been too busy to care about anyone else until tragedy changed her life. Now, she’s obsessed with visiting open houses to see how ordinary people live—perhaps, setting an old wrong to the right. Then there’s Roger and Anna-Lena, an Ikea-addicted retired couple who are on a never-ending hunt for fixer-uppers to hide the fact that they don’t know how to fix their failing marriage. Julia and Ro are a young lesbian couple and soon-to-be parents who are nervous about their chances for a successful life together since they can’t agree on anything. And there’s Estelle, an eighty-year-old woman who has lived long enough to be unimpressed by a masked bank robber waving a gun. And despite the story she tells them all, Estelle hasn’t come to the apartment to view it for her daughter, and her husband isn’t outside parking the car.

As police surround the premises and television channels broadcast the hostage situation live, the tension mounts, and even deeper secrets are slowly revealed. Before long, the robber must decide which is the terrifying prospect: going out to face the police or staying in the apartment with this group of impossible people.

Rich with Fredrik Backman’s “pitch-perfect dialogue and an unparalleled understanding of human nature” (Shelf Awareness), Anxious People’s whimsical plot serves up unforgettable insights into the human condition and a gentle reminder to be compassionate to all the anxious people we encounter every day.


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Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times

Read: October 2021

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Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times

by Katherine May

Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May is “an intimate, revelatory book exploring the ways we can care for and repair ourselves when life knocks us down.”

Two quotes that resonated with me were:

That’s what grief is – a yearning for that one last moment of contact that would settle everything.

We are in the habit of imagining our lives to be linear, a long march from birth to death in which we mass our powers, only to surrender them again, all the while slowly losing our youthful beauty. This is a brutal untruth. Life meanders through the woods. We have seasons when we flourish and seasons when the leaves fall upon us, revealing our bare bones. Given time they grow again.

May writes in a clear voice that conveys the importance of accepting the cycles of life instead of fighting them.

Sometimes you slip through the cracks: unforeseen circumstances like an abrupt illness, the death of a loved one, a breakup, or a job loss can derail a life. These periods of dislocation can be lonely and unexpected. For May, her husband fell ill, her son stopped attending school, and her own medical issues led her to leave a demanding job. Wintering explores how she not only endured this painful time but embraced the singular opportunities it offered.

A moving personal narrative shot through with lessons from literature, mythology, and the natural world, May’s story offers instruction on the transformative power of rest and retreat. Illumination emerges from many sources: solstice celebrations and dormice hibernation, C.S. Lewis and Sylvia Plath swimming in icy waters, and sailing arctic seas.

Ultimately Wintering invites us to change how we relate to our own fallow times. May models an active acceptance of sadness and finds nourishment in deep retreat, joy in the serene beauty of winter, and encouragement in understanding life as cyclical, not linear. A secular mystic, May forms a guiding philosophy for transforming the hardships that arise before the ushering in of a new season.

I recommend this book without reservation.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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After Annie: A Novel

Read: February 2024

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After Annie: A Novel

by Anna Quindlen

I started reading “After Annie: A Novel” by Anna Quindlen today. Forty years ago, my wife Jan and I used to read Ms. Quindlen’s column “Life in the Thirties” in The New York Times, even if we didn’t have time to read anything else. We clipped and saved each column, which helped us manage getting older with children. I am reading “After Annie,” which is about how love can overcome loss.

Anna Quindlen, the #1 New York Times bestselling author of Still Life with Bread Crumbs and One True Thing, is known for her insightful wisdom on family, friendship, and the bonds that unite us. Her latest novel explores the power of love to overcome loss and adversity.

The story centers around the Brown family and their closest friend, Annie. When Annie suddenly passes away, the family is forced to navigate life without their beloved wife, mother, and friend. Bill, Annie’s husband, struggles to cope with the loss, while Annemarie, her best friend, must confront the bad habits she once overcame with Annie’s help. Ali, Annie’s eldest child, must take on new responsibilities to care for her younger brothers and father.

Although Annie is no longer physically present, her memory continues to guide and inspire those who love her. Her voice resonates in their minds, offering them comfort, wisdom, and clarity. Through the power of her love, Annie gives her family the strength they need to move on without her. They learn that even though their beloved Annie is gone, she will always be with them in spirit.

After Annie” is a poignant and touching story exploring the unanticipated ways adversity can transform our lives. With her signature style that strikes an emotional chord, Quindlen delivers a heartwarming tale about the tenacity of love and how it can triumph over even the most formidable obstacles. This story of hope is a testament to the enduring strength of the human spirit and its ability to rise above life’s challenges. It inspires us to believe in the power of love and its capacity to reshape our lives for the better.

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The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

Read: May 2019

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The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

by David Brooks

The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life by David Brooks is a book I often recommend. Mr. Brooks writes about the first mountain that most people climb. The book challenges the reader to “live for a cause greater than themselves.”

It is about “to be a success, make your mark, experience personal happiness.” Even when they reach the top of the mountain, most people find they are unhappy. The climb to the summit has become unsatisfying.

On the second mountain, life moves from self-centered to other-centered.” Life becomes interdependent, not independent; it becomes a life of commitment, not about us.

Mr. Brooks “explores the four commitments that define a life of meaning and purpose: to a spouse and family, to a vocation, to a philosophy or faith, and to a community.

We live in a society, Brooks argues, that celebrates freedom, that tells us to be true to ourselves, at the expense of surrendering to a cause, rooting ourselves in a neighborhood, binding ourselves to others by social solidarity and love. We have taken individualism to the extreme—and in the process we have torn the social fabric in a thousand different ways.

When I read The Second Mountain, it became clear that Jan and I never even attempted to climb the first mountain. We were constantly climbing the second mountain.

We had chosen to do work that repaired the world; we both had a faith community and lived in a community.

All we were missing as far as commitments when we met was each other. Our love for each other provided the missing link and allowed us to climb to the top of the second mountain.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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The Great Divide: A Novel

Read: June 2024

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The Great Divide: A Novel

by Cristina Henriquez

I began to read “The Great Divide: A Novel” by Cristina Henriquez today. The book stood out for its compassionate exploration of the lives of activists, fishmongers, laborers, journalists, neighbors, doctors, and soothsayers. It sheds light on individuals whose essential contributions history overlooks. The novel weaves these characters’ stories in a unique and compelling narrative structure.

Set against the backdrop of the yet-to-be-built Panama Canal, the book delves into the lives of various characters. Francisco, a local fisherman, resents the foreign powers vying for control of his homeland. His son, Omar, works in the excavation zone, seeking connection in a rapidly changing world.

Sixteen-year-old Ada Bunting, from Barbados, stows away in Panama to find work and fund her ailing sister’s surgery. When she encounters Omar, who collapsed after a grueling shift, she rushes to his aid, setting off a chain of events that will change their lives.

John Oswald, a scientist dedicated to eliminating malaria, is in Panama when his wife, Marian, falls ill. Witnessing Ada’s bravery and compassion, he hires her as a caregiver, setting off a tale of ambition, loyalty, and sacrifice.

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The Cemetery of Untold Stories

Read: April 2024

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The Cemetery of Untold Stories

by Julia Alvarez

Today, I began reading Julia Alvarez‘s novel “The Cemetery of Untold Stories.” The book explores whose stories deserve to be told and whose should remain buried. In the end, Alma, the main character, finds meaning in the power of storytelling. Julia Alvarez reminds us that our stories are never truly finished, even at the end.

Alma Cruz, a famous writer, doesn’t want to suffer the same fate as her friend, who became mentally unstable after struggling to finish a book. So, when Alma inherits a small plot of land in her native Dominican Republic, she turns it into a cemetery for her unfinished stories. She hopes her characters will finally be able to rest in peace.

However, they have other ideas and soon begin to rewrite and revise themselves, even talking and interacting with one another. Fortunately, Filomena, a local woman hired as the groundskeeper, becomes a listener to Alma’s characters’ secret tales. These tales include those of Bienvenida, the abandoned wife of dictator Rafael Trujillo, who was erased from official history, and Manuel Cruz, a doctor who fought in the Dominican underground and escaped to the United States.

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