Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Life Time Achievement Award from the Supportive Housing Association of NJ

Time Moves Too Fast for Mortals

Richard Welcomes His Fellow Widows

Photo Courtesy of Kevin Papa

I received a Life Time Achievement Award from the Supportive Housing Association of NJ five years ago.

When I was presented with the award, my first comment was it should be renamed the Half-Life Achievement Award.

If we are committed to Tikun Olam, the need to repair the world does not end simply because someone has aged.

The truth is that just as each of us is broken, the world is as well, and the work to ensure it works for all of us will never end.

After I renamed the award, I did what I always did when Jan was in the room. I introduced her and said that if I deserved the recognition, it was only because of the love and support she provided.

A few weeks ago, I found this comment that Jan posted on Facebook,

So proud of my husband, Richard W. Brown! Happy to be married to this wonderful man! Today he received the Lifetime Achievement Award from the Supportive Housing Association of NJ for his advocacy around housing, ending homelessness, and leadership of Monarch Housing.

Tears welled in my eyes as I read her statement.

So much has changed over the last 1,827 days. When Jan and I left the event, the future seemed endless.

Cancer changed the trajectory of our lives, but my love for Jan will never die; it only grows stronger daily!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Monarch Housing Farewell Dinner

On March 21, 2019, Monarch Housing Associates celebrated the leadership transition from Richard W. Brown to Taiisa Kelly and Asish Patel.
A Future Walking With Jan's Spirit

A Future Walking With Jan’s Spirit

A Crescent Moon Behind Jan's Wind Sculpture

A Crescent Moon Behind Jan’s Wind Sculpture

My sound test on Zoom is a simple chant.

I test the microphone by saying, “I love Jan! I miss Jan!”

The message proves the microphone works and adjusts my frame of mind, so I am ready, willing, and able to host the Zoom call.

Yet, the change in the atmosphere does not fill the gap left in my heart since Jan died.

The OMordy Quotes help me put into perspective my circumstances,

What’s destroyed can still be rebuilt, what’s lost can still be found, what’s broken can still be mended, an end is not always the end, it can also be a basis for a new and better beginning.

My life with Jan has been erased, and I cannot simply mend my brokenness.

My work with the Jan Lilien Memorial Triangle Garden and Wind Sculpture at Hanson Park and the Jan Lilien Education Fund will keep Jan’s name and memory alive and define my life’s boundaries with only Jan’s spirit.

I do not know how many nights I have to view Jan’s Wind Sculpture glowing below the radiance of the moon I have left, but I know that Jan will always be with me in spirit and guide me into the future.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Investing Jan’s Love in My Future

As much as I miss Jan, continuing to live is the only choice I have ever had.

Like George Burns, I could not cry forever.

One day at a time, I stepped into an unknown future with Jan's love and spirit next to me.

Within days of burying the love of my life, I tied my walking shoes and embarked on a journey to define the boundaries of my new life.

The First Step is to Start

The First Step is to Start

Ellen, Jon and Mike Build a Garden

Photo courtesy of Neeru and Asish Patel.

Long before I began my grief journey, I learned the importance of starting to take action. It is too effortless to do nothing and accept the status quo. As a child, I knew I had to start where I was. It did not matter if it was homework or chores. As a widow, I felt pain, fear, and doubt that could have overwhelmed me. Two days after burying Jan, I got up, laced my shoes, and started walking. I could have stayed in bed, but I kept marching. Continue reading →

Dust Myself Off and Start Over

Jan and I believed in the message in the lyrics by Nat King Cole,

Pick yourself up... Take a deep breath... Dust yourself off And start all over again.

I am reminded of those words as I approach the final hours of my move to a smaller apartment.

Giving Tuesday Should be Every Day!

Giving Tuesday Should be Every Day!

Jan Lilien Human Rights AdvocateMy inbox and text messages are overflowing with appeals for #GivingTuesday donations.

I respond to as many as possible with as much as I can afford.

If only I had the resources to respond generously to help those who help others.

Jan and I automated most of our donations so that we provide support monthly.

I would be forever grateful if you could donate to The Jan Lilien Education Fund.

Every donation helps to repair the world.

It is also like sharing Jan’s love; each gift shares her love and returns to us stronger!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Charity for All

One of the end-of-year tasks that Jan and I would do together would be to make our final charitable contributions.

Although most donations are made monthly, there is always a list at the end of the year.

Two years ago, Jan was in the emergency room, and I had to do them with her consultation.

It was a frantic effort as the clock ticked rapidly toward midnight, but we completed the task.

Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy

Civil War by Other Means: America's Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy

Civil War by Other Means: America's Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri is the perfect book to help us understand our failures at creating a multi-racial democracy in the nineteenth century and how this has weakened and divided our nation. Jeremi Suri chronicles the events after the civil war, from Lincoln's assassination to Garfield's, and how they were a continuation of the war by other means.

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Sleep Walking Thru Grief

Sleep Walking Thru Grief

Jan is Still With MeWalking has always been important to me and has become even more critical during my grief journey.

Most days, the walk is efficiently completed.

My feet move like a ballerina, feather-light as I glide across the pavement.

This morning’s walk was as if I was sleepwalking.

The sidewalks felt as if I was walking in a bouncy house.

My legs sunk into the ground I was unsure if I could stand.

Despite the uncertainty and doubts about continuing, I persisted and achieved the minimal goals of time, distance, and calories burned.

As I turned north a few hundred steps share of the halfway mark, a rainbow appeared above the Lincoln School.

It already seemed washed out as the colors were not sharp, but it appeared like a well-washed tie-dyed shirt.

By the time I reached the school, the rainbow, like its mythical pot of gold, had vanished.

Walking up the stairs to my humble abode, I was reminded of my true love’s words of wisdom.

Richard, you are capable and strong, and I believe in you.

Love never dies, and I will never quit walking.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Upside Down Days

Days can become weeks, and our lives may change only incrementally.

We may not notice that we have grown or our lives are not what we once dreamed they would be.

But then we have days when everything changes in the blink of an eye.

I am not sure what happened last night, but I woke up in the wee hours of the night, and my leg was like molten rubber.

My legs swayed like I was on the Titanic after the iceberg.

Faith In My Grief Journey

Faith In My Grief Journey

Jon Brown Bar Mitzvah January 15, 1994

Jon’s Bar Mitzvah, January 15, 1994.

As a Jew, doubt fuels my life journey, especially during the days and nights of my grief.

Although I was not born Jewish, I have always been a skeptic who seeks to understand and not accept anything on blind faith.

When I met Jan, I worshiped at St john’s Lutheran Church in East Williamsburg.

The Church was the sponsor of my VISTA assignment.

Jan was not observant when we met.

When we had children, we realized we could not continue to have multiple faiths.

Temple Sha'arey ShalomSince Jan died, I have attended services almost every Friday night as a proud member of Temple Sha’arey Shalom, a warm Reform, inclusive synagogue.

Without the support and friendship of Rabbi Dr. Renee Edelman, I am not sure how I would have survived the loss of the love of my life.

It has become part of my strategy not merely to survive grief but to endure the pain and find a purpose in my life without Jan.

The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. defined faith in a way I understand and embrace.

Faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase.

My eyes cannot confirm if the stairs go down or up or are spiral staircases.

But my faith allows me to take one step at a time.

The love Jan and I shared will never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Who Am I Without Jan?

Based on the demographics of life expectancy, I always believed that Jan would outlive me.

Despite the actuarial evidence, I am the one who is still alive.

I have focused the last year on celebrating Jan's life, preserving her memory, and keeping her name mentioned.

In my efforts to define how I will use these years of living alone, I also,

  • I write daily about Jan, my love for her, my grief, my faith, and my life.
  • I take morning walks and evening strolls.
  • I read more than ever.
  • I help other widows, volunteer, and serve on three boards.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Life Time Achievement Award from the Supportive Housing Association of NJ
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A Future Walking With Jan's Spirit
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The First Step is to Start
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Giving Tuesday Should be Every Day!
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Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy

Read: November 2022

Get this book

Civil War by Other Means

by Jeremi Suri

Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri is the perfect book to help us understand our failures at creating a multi-racial democracy in the nineteenth century and how this has weakened and divided our nation. Jeremi Suri chronicles the events after the civil war, from Lincoln’s assassination to Garfield’s, and how they were a continuation of the war by other means.

I purchased a signed copy and watched a video presentation by Dr. Suri due to my membership at One Day University. Civil War by Other Means is a vivid and unsettling portrait of a country striving to rebuild itself but unable to compromise on or adhere to the most basic democratic tenets. 

I highly recommend Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri.

In addition, the documentary, on Apple TV+, Lowndes County and the Road to Black Power is a companion piece that illustrates the continued failure to create a multi-racial democracy. Jeremi Suri makes a convincing case that the eternal struggle for democracy continues in our time.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

In 1865, the Confederacy was comprehensively defeated, its economy shattered, its leaders in exile or in jail. Yet in the years that followed, Lincoln’s vision of a genuinely united country never took root. Apart from a few brief months, when the presence of the Union army in the South proved liberating for newly freed Black Americans, the military victory was squandered. Old white supremacist efforts returned, more ferocious than before.

In Civil War by Other Means, Jeremi Suri shows how resistance to a more equal Union began immediately. From the first postwar riots to the return of Confederate exiles, to the impeachment of Andrew Johnson, to the highly contested and consequential election of 1876, Suri explores the conflicts and questions Americans wrestled with as competing visions of democracy, race, and freedom came to a vicious breaking point.

What emerges is a vivid and, at times, unsettling portrait of a country striving to rebuild itself but unable to compromise on or adhere to the most basic democratic tenets. What should have been a moment of national renewal was ultimately wasted, with reverberations still felt today. The recent shocks to American democracy are rooted in this forgotten, urgent history.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Sleep Walking Thru Grief
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Faith In My Grief Journey
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Conjure Women

Read: November 2021

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Conjure Women: A Novel

by Afia Atakora

Conjure Women by Afia Atakora is about a mother and her daughter with a shared talent for healing—and for the conjuring of curses — at the heart of this dazzling first novel. Conjure Women takes place before, during, and after the Civil War. The book is structured around three-time frames; Slaverytime, Freddomtime, and Wartime.

Having grown up in the South and heard far too many stories about the Lost Cause, it was a joy to read a book narrated by two African-American women. The third leading character is the daughter o the owner of the plantation. At the end of the war, she was hidden away for six years and was unaware the South had surrendered.

Conjure Women is a sweeping story that brings the world of the South before and after the Civil War vividly to life. Spanning eras and generations, it tells of the lives of three unforgettable women: Miss May Belle, a wise healing woman; her precocious and observant daughter Rue, who is reluctant to follow in her mother’s footsteps as a midwife; and their master’s daughter Varina. The secrets and bonds among these women and their community come to a head at the beginning of a war and at the birth of an accursed child, who sets the townspeople alight with fear and a spreading superstition that threatens their newly won, tenuous freedom.

Magnificently written, brilliantly researched, and richly imagined, Conjure Women moves back and forth in time to tell the haunting story of Rue, Varina, and May Belle, their passions and friendships, and the lengths they will go to save themselves and those they love.

Since Jan died, I have read many books that I know she enjoyed. We both enjoyed Call the Midwife, and this book focused on birthing and mothering. Although conjuring was their medical care and not the type practiced in poplar by the Midwives, we would both have enjoyed the book.

Conjure Women also raises questions about the meaning of freedom. For example, Rue chooses not to leave the former plantation after the Klan attacks despite being free.

I recommend this book and look forward to reading more from Afia Atakora.

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Beautyland: A Novel

Read: June 2024

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Beautyland: A Novel

by Marie-Helene Bertino

I started reading “Beautyland: A Novel” by Marie-Helene Bertino today. The novel is about the fragility and resilience of life on Earth and in our universe. It tells the story of a baby born with extraordinary perception to a single mother in Philadelphia when Voyager 1 embarks on its interstellar journey. As we follow Adina Giorno’s growth, we witness her awakening to her exceptional nature—a profound understanding of a distant planet.

With the introduction of a fax machine, she established a unique form of communication with her extraterrestrial kin, who dispatched her to observe and document the peculiarities of Earthlings. As Adina navigates the complexities of the human world, she not only shares her observations on the joys and terrors of existence but also grapples with her identity and the connections she forms. At a pivotal moment, a trusted friend encourages her to share her transmissions with the world, leading her to question if she is alone in her experiences.

Beautyland‘ is a wise, tender novel about a woman who doesn’t feel at home on Earth, penned by the highly acclaimed Marie-Helene Bertino, the author of ‘Parakeet.’ With her proven ability to craft compelling narratives, Bertino’s ‘Beautyland’ is a surefire way to captivate readers interested in contemporary fiction, themes of identity, and human connection.

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The Guest

Read: May 2023

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The Guest: A Novel

by Emma Cline

The Guest by Emma Cline is a highly recommended book, recognized as one of the top releases for May by The New York Times. At first, I assumed it was just another typical summer romance novel I usually don’t enjoy. However, I was surprised that it was unlike any other beach read I had encountered.

The protagonist, Alex, finds herself in a difficult situation after making a mistake at a dinner party in the East End of Long Island towards the end of summer. The man she’s been staying with dismisses her and sends her back to the city. With limited resources and a waterlogged phone, Alex decides to stay on Long Island and explore her surroundings. She wanders through exclusive neighborhoods and beaches, leaving a trail of destruction behind her.

According to The New York Times, Alex’s days and nights waiting for Labor Day might be “an entertaining series of misguided shenanigans interrupting the upper class’s summer vacation. However, under Cline’s command, every sentence is as sharp as a scalpel, portraying a woman who toes the line between welcome and unwelcome guest and becomes a fully destabilizing force for her hosts and the novel itself.

Although the book has no experience with themes, such as using sex to secure what she desires, as soon as I started reading it, I could not stop. Regardless of my unfamiliarity with the topics, I highly recommend The Guest.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Prophet Song: A Novel

Read: January 2024

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Prophet Song: A Novel

by Paul Lynch

In 2024, I started my reading journey with the Booker Prize 2023 winner – Prophet Song, by Paul Lynch. The book presents a chilling and astonishing outlook of a nation sliding into authoritarianism while also painting a profoundly humane portrait of a mother’s struggle to keep her family together. I have not set a goal of the number of books to read in 2024, but this is an excellent first-day pageturner.

It all begins on a dark, rainy evening in Dublin when Eilish Stack, a scientist and mother of four, opens her front door to two officers from Ireland’s newly formed secret police. They are there to interrogate her husband, a trade unionist. Ireland is falling apart as the government is gradually turning towards tyranny. As her world crumbles and the people she loves disappear, Eilish faces the dystopian reality of her country. How far is Eilish willing to go to protect her family? And what, or who, is she ready to leave behind?


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Monkey Grip: A Novel

Read: February 2024

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Monkey Grip: A Novel

by Helen Garner

Today, I began reading Monkey Grip: A Novel by Helen Garner. It’s a book that launched the career of one of Australia’s most celebrated writers. The story follows the infatuations of a young, single mother fascinated by the excesses of Melbourne’s late-70s counterculture. Monkey Grip is a seminal novel about Australia’s turbulent 1970s, including communal households, music, friendships, children, love, drugs, and sex.

Helen Garner is a renowned novelist, short-story writer, and journalist. She’s best known for her frank, unsparing, and intricate portrayals of Australian life, often drawn from the pages of her journals and diaries. A new US edition of her debut novel, which establishes Garner’s masterful and quietly radical literary voice, is now available.

The novel is set in Australia during the late 1970s and tells the story of Nora, a single mother and writer. Nora navigates Melbourne’s bohemian underground with her young daughter, Gracie, in tow. Nora falls in love with Javo, a flighty man trapped in his addiction. As their relationship disintegrates, Nora struggles to wean off a love that feels impossible to live without.

When Monkey Grip was first published in 1977, it caused a sensation. Critics praised Garner for her craft, but many criticized her gritty depictions of the human body, frankness about sex and drugs, the mess of motherhood, and her unabashed use of her own life as inspiration. Today, such criticism feels old-fashioned and glaringly gendered, and Monkey Grip is considered a modern masterpiece.

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Lila: A Novel

Read: April 2022

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Lila: A Novel

by Marilynne Robinson

Lila: A Novel by Marilynne Robinson is an unusual but believable love story. Although different than how I met Jan, this novel is about love and romance that, on the surface, should never have happened. Lila, homeless and alone after years of roaming the countryside, steps inside a small-town Iowa church – the only available shelter from the rain- ignites a romance and a debate that will reshape her life. She becomes the wife of a minister, John Ames, and begins a new existence while trying to make sense of the life that preceded her newfound security.

Lila is the third novel in the Gilead series. Previously I read Home, the second in the series, and Jack, the fourth. I highly recommend all three books.

Hopefully, one day I will read the Gilead and complete the series.

The Goodreads summary of the book provides an excellent overview.

Neglected as a toddler, Lila was rescued by Doll, a canny young drifter, and brought up by her in a hardscrabble childhood. Together they crafted a life on the run, living hand to mouth with nothing but their sisterly bond and a ragged blade to protect them. Despite bouts of petty violence and moments of desperation, their shared life was laced with moments of joy and love. When Lila arrives in Gilead, she struggles to reconcile the life of her makeshift family and their days of hardship with the gentle Christian worldview of her husband which paradoxically judges those she loves.

Revisiting the beloved characters and setting of Robinson’s Pulitzer Prize-winning Gilead and Home, a National Book Award finalist, Lila is a moving expression of the mysteries of existence that is destined to become an American classic.

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