Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Raindrops on My Head!

Raindrops on My Head!

Climbing the Second Mountain with JanToday’s walk was into two unequal timeframes.

The lingering showers of Tropical Storm Nicole had, I thought, played out overnight.

The tropical rain drenched me like a wet mop less than five minutes from home.

My desire to continue on the route undeterred by Mother Nature became impossible.

Jan always worried if I could adjust to circumstances beyond my control.

What if the weather turned on a dime, and you could not return home to me?

Despite my relentless commitment to walking, I have learned to come in from the rain and cold and wait for better walking conditions.

Today Jan would be proud of me as I did a U-turn and waited for the rain to cease.

Her love is always with me and will guide me on my journey into an unknown land.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Jan is My Guardian Angel

Light snow started accumulating on the brim of my Peets hat.

The snow was light and fluffy, and I felt no reason not to continue walking alone.

However, as the temperature rose, it turned to freezing rain. Twice my feet slipped in the icy path.

Each time, Jan reassured me that I could finish this walk.

Having a guardian angel walk with me reminds me that our love will never die.

Forty-nine Years Loving Jan!

Forty-nine Years Loving Jan!

Jan Lilien and Richard Brown, Wedding Day, August 9, 1975

Jan Lilien and Richard Brown, Wedding Day, August 9, 1975,

Forty-nine years ago today, I met the love of my life.

Three years ago, Jan was in the first months of her struggle with lymphoma.

Even with a life-threatening illness, we were confident we had many more anniversaries to celebrate.

Forty-six years seemed close enough to half a century that we could almost taste the celebratory champagne.

Although I could not wake Jan up with an anniversary kiss this morning, her love is still with me and always will be.

Love never dies because it is the only wealth we have that grows by sharing it.

When I arrived home from my morning walk, I opened Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson and read her poem about love.

It’s not about
fancy shoes
money and fast cars
won’t get you very far
it’s not about
the way you
look like are you
perfect enough

It’s about more like
the strength in your core
knowing you’re better today
than you were before
it’s not important
to be rich with things
it’s important to be
rich
with love
which is the only wealth
that grows the more you
give it away


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Evergreen

Evergreen

Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson is a tribute to the enduring resilience of human nature as we cycle through times of light and darkness, much like nature itself. In her debut book, Kirsten Robinson (@NakedWriting) lays her heart bare in a raw, relatable, and inspirational way to describe the journey of growth born out of finding beauty in breakage and love after loss.

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Have a Nice Day!

Have a Nice Day!

Jan at Disney WorldOn my morning and evening walks, I greet my fellow walkers, bikers, and dog walkers by wishing them a nice day or evening.

Some do not hear me clearly or choose to respond, even if they do not know why.

Rarely but a little more often now, the response is more positive and occasionally echoes my greeting.

When I commenced this greeting, it was only days after Jan died, and I was not likely to have a good day.

As Rachel Marie Martin wrote,

You can change someone’s day by simply choosing to be kind. Smile. Cheer for them. Help out. Kindness matters.

Kindness does matter. It is a small but meaningful way to repair our broken world.

The love Jan and I shared will never die, and I will always greet you by wishing you a nice day!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Kindness to Strangers

Being kind and gentle has always been used to describe me. Those two attributes are in my DNA.

Since Jan died, I have become more focused on kindness and being a gentleman.

My friend Chris who owns Ambeli's, the best greek restaurant, introduces me to other patrons as the most refined gentlemen he knows.

I wish people a nice day or pleasant evening on my morning walks and evening strolls. I do not know the walkers I pass, but I want to share a positive message.

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A Gentleman in Moscow

A Gentleman in Moscow

A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles is a transporting novel about a man sentenced by the government to spend the rest of his life inside a luxury hotel. In 1922, a Bolshevik tribunal deemed Count Alexander Rostov an unrepentant aristocrat. His house arrest in the Metropol, a grand hotel across the street from the Kremlin. Rostov, an indomitable man of erudition and wit, has never worked a day and must now live in an attic room while some of the most tumultuous decades in Russian history are unfolding outside the hotel's doors.

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Finding Peace Within Myself!

Finding Peace Within Myself!

Jan and RichardMy love for Jan is more profound and stronger than ever.

Grief is still my life’s backseat driver, but I am more at peace this morning than ever.

But tranquility has filled my heart and soul daily since the late summer.

Perhaps Celebrating Jan Day and the installation of the wind sculpture in Jan’s Memorial Triangle Garden in Hanson Park made the difference.

Or, as Marvin Gaye said,

If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else.

Will the period of peace last?

With Jan still with me in spirit, I take small but steady steps into the unknown tomorrows that will dawn upon me in the future.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Today, I Feel at Peace!

Today, I feel at peace because Jan is with me today and every day.

When Jan died, the funeral placed part of my soul to rest with her, and I still have part of her soul with me.

My grief will always be with me as well.

Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

Jan and Richard December 1974Being close to people who feel like sunshine is a hypothesis that I occasionally fail to remember.

With Jan, I shared a life with someone whose smile was a ray of sunshine.

As a widow, it is far too easy for me to slide down the rabbit hole of self-doubt and self-criticism.

Jan’s Memorial Triangle Garden and Wind Sculpture in Hanson Park have led to numerous people wanting to visit.

Everyone is mesmerized by the twin blades of the wind sculpture.

On some of my trips, I am alone and meet strangers overwhelmed by the sculpture’s simple beauty.

As my friend Mark Annett wrote in his poem about The Wind Sculpture,

The blades move in opposite directions and flower.

The flower they form is always bursting, always blooming.

The renewal is constant and mesmerizing…

One day at a time, with the help of my family and friends, I live not alone but with Jan still with me, now and forever.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Am I Alone if Jan is Still With Me?

In the photograph from Celebrate Jan Day, it appears that I am sitting by myself.

As much as the camera only captures what it can see, that is a correct observation.

However, it does not capture the reality that Jan is still with me and always will be with me.

Jan is Still With Me

One Hundred Forty-Four Minutes

Jan with a Therapy DogI have never been competitive, but since purchasing my Apple Watch 7 almost one year ago, I did not found a challenge I will not try.

The November test is to earn one hundred forty-four exercise minutes daily for fourteen days.

As of today, I have met this goal for seven days in a row. I need to walk at least seven miles a day to accomplish this.

With the unusual warmth that will end tomorrow, I had moments when I doubted I could achieve the goal.

But I persevere, place one foot in front of the other, and log the minutes I need to complete the task one more day.

If Jan were still with me, she would encourage me to keep walking.

My dad taught me that life is fragile and that one never knows when one cannot do what one enjoys.

Tomorrow, I will take one step at a time and cast my vote in Cranford’s Town Hall.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

The First Mile is the Most Difficult!

Since Jan died, the first mile has been the most difficult.

When she was alive, the first mile was one we walked together.

Now it is the most difficult.

When my eyes open and I stop the alarm on my Apple Watch, I doubt whether I can walk.

But then I hear Jan whispering in my ear.

Richard, you are capable and strong, and I believe in you.
With Jan's love, support and encouragement, I walk whispering back to her, one soul, one love everlasting!

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Raindrops on My Head!
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Evergreen

Read: October 2022

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Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson

by Kirsten Robinson

Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson is a tribute to the enduring resilience of human nature as we cycle through times of light and darkness, much like nature itself. In her debut book, Kirsten Robinson (@NakedWriting) lays her heart bare in a raw, relatable, and inspirational way to describe the journey of growth born out of finding beauty in breakage and love after loss.

Albeit a cliche, the book jumped off the shelf and into my hands when I saw it in Hickory & Hill General Store in Cranford.

This artfully honest collection embodies and expands upon the poetry and prose Robinson began writing under the famous social media pseudonym Naked Writing.

I highly recommend this book and intend to keep it at my bedside for a pick-me-up.

Although I have only started reading the poems, I want to share two that resonated with me.

The first one is on giving thanks.

Give thanks for all
that is good and beautiful;
the gifts you carry
people who lift you up
your big, big love
faith and trust that your life
is unfolding as it should

Give thanks for all
that has been difficult and hard;
trials tribulations tears
tests of self strength fears
all of the unknowns and days
that broke you

Without the darkness
you would not have
learned to appreciate the light

A second one on bravery.

Bravery
is not about standing tall
after you’ve climbed up
the top of a mountain

Bravery
is looking
fear
heartache
rejection
terror
loss
death
in the eye
and saying, “no,
not today”

Bravery
is standing back up
after you’ve been brought down
to your knees


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love.

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Forty-nine Years Loving Jan!
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Have a Nice Day!
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A Gentleman in Moscow

Read: November 2022

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A Gentleman in Moscow

by Amor Towles

A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles is a transporting novel about a man sentenced by the government to spend the rest of his life inside a luxury hotel. In 1922, a Bolshevik tribunal deemed Count Alexander Rostov an unrepentant aristocrat. His house arrest in the Metropol, a grand hotel across the street from the Kremlin. Rostov, an indomitable man of erudition and wit, has never worked a day and must now live in an attic room while some of the most tumultuous decades in Russian history are unfolding outside the hotel’s doors.

During my grief journey, I have on occasion felt as if I was a prisoner in my apartment, so I found this novel to be one that provided me an alternative to understanding what it would have been like to be under house arrest as Count Rostov was.

A Gentleman in Moscow was a page-turner. The plot captures a unique historical time and how Count Rostov makes the best of a bad situation. I highly recommend this novel.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

With his breakout debut novel, Rules of Civility, Amor Towles established himself as a master of absorbing, sophisticated fiction, bringing late 1930s Manhattan to life with a splendid atmosphere and an excellent command of style. As NPR commented, readers and critics were enchanted, “Towles writes with grace and verve about the mores and manners of a society on the cusp of radical change.”

A Gentleman in Moscow immerses us in another elegantly drawn era with the story of Count Alexander Rostov. When, in 1922, he is deemed an unrepentant aristocrat by a Bolshevik tribunal, the count is sentenced to house arrest in the Metropol, a grand hotel across the street from the Kremlin. Rostov, an indomitable man of erudition and wit, has never worked a day. He must now live in an attic room while some of the most tumultuous decades in Russian history are unfolding outside the hotel’s doors. Unexpectedly, his reduced circumstances provide him a doorway into a much larger world of emotional discovery.

Brimming with humor, a glittering cast of characters, and one beautifully rendered scene after another, this singular novel casts a spell as it relates to the count’s endeavor to gain a deeper understanding of what it means to be a man of purpose.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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Finding Peace Within Myself!
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Sunshine on a Cloudy Day
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Jan is Still With Me
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We Are All the Same in the Dark

Read: January 2023

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We Are All the Same in the Dark

by Julia Heaberlin

We Are All the Same in the Dark by Julia Heaberlin is a novel I highly recommend and wish I had read earlier. The title summarizes the reality of all humans, that in the dark we are all the same. Disabilities do not define us, just as being a widow does not define who I am. In this twisty psychological thriller, Julia Heaberlin paints two unforgettable portraits of a woman and a girl who redefine perceptions of physical beauty and strength. Her novel has helped me redefine my grief.

I have been a widow for almost twenty-one months. After a trauma of that magnitude, it is easier to let the widowed state define me. But I am more than just a widow! But I am a father, grandfather, friend, neighbor, advocate, and more. Reading We Are All the Same in the Dark helped me embrace myself and not wallow in widowhood.

The novel begins with the discovery of a girl abandoned by the side of the road who threatens to unearth the long-buried secrets of a Texas town’s legendary cold case. In the first section, I was still determining if I wanted to continue. Once I read about Odette Tucker and Angel, it became a page-turner. 

This line from Odette given to Angelica, aka Angel, summarizes the characteristics that each of us should live by.

Tender. Resilient. Strong. Resourceful. Kind. Empathetic.—Six words Marshall Tucker wrote on a piece of paper to describe his daughter, Odette.

As a mensch-in-training, I will strive to live by those six words.

We are truly all the same in the dark.

We Are All the Same in the Dark is the ninth book I read this year.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

It’s been a decade since Trumanell Branson disappeared, leaving only a bloody handprint behind. Her pretty face still hangs like a watchful queen on the posters on the walls of the town’s Baptist church, the police station, and the high school. They all promise the same thing: We will find you. Meanwhile, her brother, Wyatt, lives as a pariah in the desolation of the old family house, cleared of wrongdoing by the police but tried and sentenced in the court of public opinion and a new documentary about the crime.

When Wyatt finds a lost girl dumped in a field of dandelions, making silent wishes, he believes she is a sign. The town’s youngest cop, Odette Tucker, believes she is a catalyst that will ignite a seething town still waiting for its missing girl to come home. But Odette can’t look away. She shares a wound that won’t close with the mute, one-eyed mystery girl. And she is haunted by her history with the missing Tru.

Desperate to solve both cases, Odette fights to save the lost girl in the present and to dig up the shocking truth about a fateful night in the past–the night her friend disappeared. This night inspired her to become a cop, the night that wrote them all a role in the town’s dark, violent mythology.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Piranesi

Read: May 2022

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Piranesi: A Novel by Susanna Clarke

by Susanna Clarke

Piranesi by Susanna Clarke is about a man known as Piranesi who lives in a big house and explores the labyrinth of rooms and hopes of understanding the meaning. Is it any surprise that I would pick this book as my thirtieth of the year? As a widow, I journal and journey in a life I did not expect to live, and I still believe I will find meaning and purpose. 

In addition, a labyrinth is one of the options we have discussed for the next phase of the work in Hanson Park.

Piranesi is a page-turner, but that does not fully describe the beauty of the world that Susanna Clarke created. I highly recommend this book as it is one of my best this year. 

The Goodreads summary provides an overview of Piranesi by Susanna Clarke.

Piranesi’s house is no ordinary building: its rooms are infinite, its corridors endless, its walls are lined with thousands upon thousands of statues, each one different from all the others. Within the labyrinth of halls an ocean is imprisoned; waves thunder up staircases, rooms are flooded in an instant. But Piranesi is not afraid; he understands the tides as he understands the pattern of the labyrinth itself. He lives to explore the house.

There is one other person in the house—a man called The Other, who visits Piranesi twice a week and asks for help with research into A Great and Secret Knowledge. But as Piranesi explores, evidence emerges of another person, and a terrible truth begins to unravel, revealing a world beyond the one Piranesi has always known.

For readers of Neil Gaiman’s The Ocean at the End of the Lane and fans of Madeline Miller’s Circe, Piranesi introduces an astonishing new world, an infinite labyrinth, full of startling images and surreal beauty, haunted by the tides and the clouds.


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The Ferryman: A Novel

Read: May 2023

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The Ferryman: A Novel

by Justin Cronin

The novel, “The Ferryman,” by Justin Cronin, is set in the beautiful archipelago of Prospera. People lead long and fulfilling lives in this society until their forearm monitors drop below 10%. Then, they retire to the Nursery. Their memories are wiped clean, and they start a new life as sixteen-year-olds.

Although the book was recently published, I hesitated to read it due to the unsettling notion of having my memories wiped clean. However, my curiosity got the best of me, and I’m glad it did. Proctor Bennett, the protagonist, works as a ferryman, assisting people through retirement. But things worsen when Proctor starts dreaming, which is impossible in Prospera, and his monitor percentage rapidly decreases. Are these dreams fragments of a past that they cannot recall?

Amidst all this, rumors about the Arrivalists, who oppose the societal structure, and even the Support Staff, who keep Prospera functioning, are questioning their roles. Proctor finds himself caught up in a more significant cause than expected and sets out to uncover the truth.

Without giving away too much, things are not always what they seem in Prospera.

As a widow, I found this line particularly poignant: “That loss was love’s accounting, its unit of measure, as a foot was made of inches, a yard was made of feet.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book; it kept me engaged and excited, and my Kindle was my go-to device for reading it. I highly recommend this novel.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Parable of the Talents

Read: January 2024

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Parable of the Talents

by Octavia E. Butler

This morning, I completed reading Octavia E. Butler‘s acclaimed post-apocalyptic novel Parable of the Sower and immediately started reading its sequel, Parable of the Talents, initially published in 1998. This second book is even more relevant today than it was back then. The novel’s timely message of hope and resistance in the face of fanaticism is shockingly prescient.

In 2032, Lauren Olamina survived the destruction of her home and family. She envisioned a peaceful community in Northern California, which she established based on her newly founded faith, Earthseed. This new settlement provides a haven for outcasts who face persecution following the election of an ultra-conservative president. The new president pledges to “make America great again,” but the country becomes increasingly divided and dangerous. Lauren’s subversive colony, a minority religious faction led by a young black woman, becomes a target for President Jarret’s oppressive regime characterized by terror and discrimination.

In the future, Asha Vere discovers the journals of her mother, Lauren Olamina, whom she never met. As she delves into her mother’s writings, she grapples with the conflict between Lauren’s responsibilities to her chosen family and her mission to guide humanity toward a brighter tomorrow.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Us Fools

Read: November 2024

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Us Fools: A Novel

by Nora Lange

Today, I embarked on the journey of Us Fools by Nora Lange. This poignant and personal American narrative is about two remarkable sisters who, against all odds, come of age during the Midwestern farm crisis of the 1980s. In her debut novel, Nora Lange has crafted a lively, ambitious, and heart-wrenching portrait of two unique sisters determined to persevere despite the harsh realities of capitalism and their circumstances. After a pivotal national election, this seemed like the perfect book to read.

Joanne and Bernadette Fareown, born and raised on a family farm in rural Illinois, are deeply impacted by their parents’ tumultuous relationship and mounting financial debt, haunted by the unsettling history of the women in their family. Left to fend for themselves, the sisters delve into Greek mythology, feminism, and Virginia Woolf. As they grapple with these trying circumstances, they must devise unique coping mechanisms and question the validity of the American Dream. At the same time, the rest of the nation disregards their struggling community.

Jo and Bernie’s imaginative efforts to escape their parents’ harsh realities ultimately fall short, prompting the family to relocate to Chicago. There, Joanne—free-spirited, reckless, and struggling to manage her inner turmoil—rebels in increasingly desperate ways. After undergoing her most significant breakdown yet, Jo goes into exile in Deadhorse, Alaska. Bernadette takes it upon herself to apply everything she has learned from her sister to rekindle a sense of hope in a failing world.

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