Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Sharing the Light With Those in the Dark!

Sharing the Light With Those in the Dark!

Introducing Rabbi Dr. Edelman

Photo Courtesy of Kevin Papa

Some days the road that we travel is so dark that we can barely see the yellow line, much less determine if we are going in the correct direction.

Jan’s love and her effervescent smile helped guide me by lighting the path we traveled.

My love helped brighten the road for Jan, even on the darkest nights.

Together we shared the light for those who thought there was no hope.

I continue doing that in my grief support groups, writing, walking, and reading.

Rabbi Renee responded to my request if I was helping others.

You are sharing Jan’s light and your own to help others find the light they thought was dimmed. You make a difference!!! Every day you make a difference.

May I be blessed to continue to help others by sharing Jan’s light and mine with all living in a dark world?

The love Jan and I shared will never die as long we share the love and the light with others.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Jan’s Smile is Still With Me!

Jan and I always believed that smiling is essential, even in the darkest moments. I have seen thousands of Jan's smiles, but I remember one more than others. Six months before her lymphoma diagnosis, I was ending my full-time work career. I always introduced Jan and thanked her for her love and support.

If you are honoring me, I only deserve it because of the love and support of my wife, Jan!

Show thread (1)

The Fire and the Ore

The Fire and the Ore

The Fire and the Ore by Olivia Hawker is a novel set in 1856 when three women—once strangers—come together in unpredictable Utah Territory. Hopeful, desperate, and willful, they'll allow nothing on earth or Heaven to stand in their way. I have always enjoyed the history of the movement of people across the plains. Tamar, Jane, and Tabitha, along with their shared husband, Thomas Ricks, were real people, and Olivia Hawker compellingly describes them as people living in difficult times.

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You Can't Hurry Grief

You Can’t Hurry Grief

Jan, the love of my lifeGrief’s hold on each of us is how we remember the pain of mourning.

It has been sixteen and one-half months since Jan died.

I wake up every morning alone.

I miss Jan more than ever.

Today I am getting my Flu shot and my third COVID booster.

If only they could create a vaccination for grief.

But as Sigrid Nunez writes in The Friend: A Novel,

You can’t hurry, love, as the song goes. You can’t hurry, grief, either.

As painful as my grief journey has been, it reminds me of how much Jan and I loved each other.

Just as Jan and I did not rush our love, I will not rush my grief!

She is still with me, and our love will never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

How Long Can You Cry?

While driving there, I listened to an episode of This American Life on WNYC called "Road Trip in a Tuxedo," featuring an interview with the late George Burns conducted by Margy Rochlin.

During the interview portion, I heard George talk about the loss of his wife, Gracie. I was struck by his question about how long someone can cry. Since Jan's death, I've shed many tears, but I know that crying won't bring her back. Jan and I had a wonderful life together, but hers ended too soon.

Now, instead of dwelling on my sadness, I'm trying to reinvent myself. I walk to clear my head and write about Jan to keep her memory alive. I also read a lot, hoping to find guidance for my journey. But I still need to figure out exactly who I will become. All I can do is walk with Jan's spirit beside me and move forward.

Show thread (1)

Oscar and Jan

Jan Loved Therapy Dogs

Jan with a Therapy DogOften I would joke with Jan that if I died first, she would replace me with a dog.

We both loved Oscar until he became confused and thought the middle of the night was playtime.

During Chemotherapy, she looked forward to visits from the therapy dogs.

I never will know if Jan would have replaced me with a dog if I had died first.

I do know that I have not even the slightest interest in re-partnering.

Of course, I also know that you cannot rule out anything as the world changes faster than the glaciers melt.

Re-partnering is not of interest to me, not because I am not lonely or sad. I miss Jan, but she is still with me, and neither a therapy dog nor another life partner can replace her.

Jan’s love transformed me and will never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Am I Alone if Jan is Still With Me?

In the photograph from Celebrate Jan Day, it appears that I am sitting by myself.

As much as the camera only captures what it can see, that is a correct observation.

However, it does not capture the reality that Jan is still with me and always will be with me.

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Jan and Richard December 1974

Sharing Jan’s Love Newsletter September Issue is Online!

The September issue includes articles on:

  • Honeymoon Camping – “I am just looking for America while my wonderful husband drives us on our honeymoon.” Jan began singing America as I smiled at my beautiful wife.”, and
  • I See a Ghost! – “Saved by Love, I now have a second chance to live a responsible and meaningful life.”

Both are stories about our love, faith, and family journey.

Short stream posts on:

I have reviewed recent books:

  1. The Last White Man by Mohsin Hamid
  2. Thrust by Lidia Yuknavitch
  3. Sea of Tranquility by Emily St. John Mandel
  4. Dragony Rising by Michael Stephen Daigle.

Please consider making a Donation to The Jan Lilien Education Fund! Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar.

Enjoy this issue and share it with anyone who might be interested.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

August Sharing Jan’s Love Newsletter is Online!

Sharing Jan's Love Newsletter August Issue is Online! The August issue includes articles on: Both are stories about our love, faith, and family journey.
Jan and Richard at YWCA Gala

The First Mile is the Most Difficult!

Jan and Richard at YWCA GalaI am and, God willing, will always be a walker.

I have never been a competitive walker.

However, since Jan died and I purchased my Apple Watch, I have done whatever I can to fulfill the monthly challenges.

This month the challenge was to walk two hundred forty-five and one-tenth miles (245.1).

This morning, I walked one hundred eighty-seven miles (187).

Although I am reasonably confident that I will complete the miles needed to meet the challenge, I wake up every morning focused on how many steps I need to take to achieve the goal.

When I get close, I do mental math to measure the miles needed to meet the goal.

Today, when I passed 61, 60, and 59 miles, I thought of Maris, Ruth, and Judge.

Once upon a time, it was the last mile that I felt the pain and had doubts about being able to continue.

Since Jan died, the first mile has been the most difficult.

When she was alive, the first mile was one we walked together.

Now it is the most difficult.

When my eyes open and I stop the alarm on my Apple Watch, I doubt whether I can walk.

But then I hear Jan whispering in my ear.

Richard, you are capable and strong, and I believe in you.

With Jan’s love, support and encouragement, I walk whispering back to her, one soul, one love everlasting!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Dust Myself Off and Start Over

Jan and I believed in the message in the lyrics by Nat King Cole,

Pick yourself up... Take a deep breath... Dust yourself off And start all over again.

I am reminded of those words as I approach the final hours of my move to a smaller apartment.

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The Doctor's Dilemma

The Widows Dilemma

Jan at Disney WorldGeorge Bernard Shaw‘s The Doctor’s Dilemma is a play about the moral dilemmas created by limited medical resources and the conflicts between the demands of private medicine as a business and a vocation.

When I first read the play in college, it resonated with me about the choices and options we face at times of crisis.

As widows, we face a dilemma as soon as our loved one dies.

The choice is as stark as those in The Doctor’s Dilemma.

Is there death as traumatic as the lives we must live without them?

How long can we cry?

Do we mourn forever or continue to live?

While she was home for hospice, I accepted that I would need to continue to live. The option of grieving uncontrollably was never an option.

By choosing life, I have been able to help others, both widows and non-widows. I read, write, walk and share Jan’s love every day.

I will always miss Jan, and I know she will be with me now and forever, but her death is far more consequential than my life as a widow.

Our love will never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

How Long Can You Cry?

While driving there, I listened to an episode of This American Life on WNYC called "Road Trip in a Tuxedo," featuring an interview with the late George Burns conducted by Margy Rochlin.

During the interview portion, I heard George talk about the loss of his wife, Gracie. I was struck by his question about how long someone can cry. Since Jan's death, I've shed many tears, but I know that crying won't bring her back. Jan and I had a wonderful life together, but hers ended too soon.

Now, instead of dwelling on my sadness, I'm trying to reinvent myself. I walk to clear my head and write about Jan to keep her memory alive. I also read a lot, hoping to find guidance for my journey. But I still need to figure out exactly who I will become. All I can do is walk with Jan's spirit beside me and move forward.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Sharing the Light With Those in the Dark!
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The Fire and the Ore

Read: September 2022

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The Fire and the Ore

by Olivia Hawker

The Fire and the Ore by Olivia Hawker is a novel set in 1856 when three women—once strangers—come together in unpredictable Utah Territory. Hopeful, desperate, and willful, they’ll allow nothing on earth or Heaven to stand in their way. I have always enjoyed the history of the movement of people across the plains. Tamar, Jane, and Tabitha, along with their shared husband, Thomas Ricks, were real people, and Olivia Hawker compellingly describes them as people living in difficult times.

Olivia Hawker is a descendant of Jane and a former Mormon. She writes eloquently about the unnecessary Utah War (AKA Buchanan’s Blunder) and how the sister-wives grow to love and support each other. Tamar’s sister Patience, although a minor character, wrote a memoir of the time that the author used as a resource.

Reading a compelling historical fiction novel about family, sisterhood, and survival about three women like Jan was an easy choice. It was a page-turner from the first page to the last.

The Washington Post bestselling author of One for the Blackbird, One for the Crow is a compelling novel of family, sisterhood, and survival.

The Goodreads summary provides a good overview,

Following the call of their newfound Mormon faith, Tamar Loader and her family weather a brutal pilgrimage from England to Utah, where Tamar is united with her destined husband, Thomas Ricks. Clinging to a promise for the future, she abides a surprise: Thomas is already wedded to one woman—Tabitha, a local healer—and betrothed to another.

Orphaned by tragedy and stranded in the Salt Lake Valley, Jane Shupe struggles to provide for herself and her younger sister. Out of necessity, with no love lost, she too must bear the trials of a sister-wife. She is no member of the Mormon migration, yet Jane agrees to marry Thomas.

But when the US Army’s invasion brings the rebellious Mormon community to heel, Tamar, Jane, and Tabitha are forced to retreat into the hostile desert wilderness with little in common but the same man—and the resolve to keep themselves and their children alive. What they discover, as one, is redemption, a new definition of family, and a bond stronger than matrimony that is tested like never before.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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You Can't Hurry Grief
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Oscar and Jan
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Jan and Richard December 1974
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Jan and Richard at YWCA Gala
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The Doctor's Dilemma
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The Essential Hamilton: Letters & Other Writings: A Library of America Special Publication

Read: February 2019

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The Essential Hamilton: Letters & Other Writings

by Edited by Joanne B. Freeman

The Essential Hamilton: Letters & Other Writings, edited by Joanne B. Freeman, Professor of History and American Studies at Yale University, is a must-read in our times when a constitutional crisis is the watchword of our day. Compared to reading all 27 volumes of Hamilton’s writings, this book provides the essential texts that offer a clear understanding of both the revolutionary era, the debates over the constitution, Hamilton’s impact as Secretary of the Treasury, and his downfall and eventual downfall death in Weehawken.

Professor Freeman’s introductions and chronology help place the writings into a historical context.

The Essential Hamilton is one of four books that I purchased after my first One Day University class.

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The Half-Life of Ruby Fielding: A Novel

Read: April 2022

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The Half-Life of Ruby Fielding: A Novel

by Lydia Kang

The Half-Life of Ruby Fielding: A Novel by Lydia Kang is a spellbinding historical mystery about hidden identities, wartime paranoia, and the compelling power of deceit. It was my free April book from First Reads, and it was a page-turner that I highly recommend.

The first year of World War II and the Manhattan Project is the backdrop of this historical fiction. The siblings’ Will and Maggie Scripps are well-defined andy sympathetic characters. I will leave it for the reader to find out the truth about them. Ruby Fielding is a fascinating character, although it takes time for her to be fully developed.

Again, I highly recommend this novel!

Goodreads provides a concise overview.

Brooklyn, 1942. War rages overseas as brother and sister Will and Maggie Scripps contribute to the war effort stateside. Ambitious Will secretly scouts for the Manhattan Project while grief-stricken Maggie works at the Navy Yard, writing letters to her dead mother between shifts.

But the siblings’ quiet lives change when they discover a beautiful woman hiding under their back stairs. This stranger harbors an obsession with poisons, an affection for fine things, and a singular talent for killing small creatures. As she draws Will and Maggie deeper into her mysterious past, they both begin to suspect she’s quite dangerous―all while falling helplessly under her spell.

With whispers of spies in dark corners and the world’s first atomic bomb in the works, the visitor’s sudden presence in Maggie’s and Will’s lives raises questions about who she is and what she wants. Is this mysterious woman someone they can trust―or a threat to everything they hold dear?

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When We Cease to Understand the World

Read: September 2024

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When We Cease to Understand the World

by Benjamín Labatut

Today, I began reading When We Cease to Understand the World by Benjamín Labatut, translated by Adrian Nathan West. This book, listed on The New York Times 100 Best Books of the 21st Century, promises to be thought-provoking as it delves into the intricate connections between scientific and mathematical discovery, madness, and destruction.

In a world where scientific advancements often involve ethical dilemmas and societal implications, this book offers a unique perspective on the lives of scientists who have shaped our understanding of the world. Fritz Haber, Alexander Grothendieck, Werner Heisenberg, and Erwin Schrödinger are some of the luminaries whose troubled lives Benjamín Labatut deeply explores in his fictional examination. Labatut shows how these scientists and thinkers grappled with profound questions of existence, experiencing strokes of unparalleled genius, alienating friends and lovers, and descending into isolation and insanity. Their discoveries, some of which significantly improved human life, while others led to chaos and unimaginable suffering, continue to shape our world.

With a breakneck pace and a wealth of disturbing detail, Labatut uses fiction’s imaginative resources to tell the stories of the scientists and mathematicians who expanded our notions of the possible.

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On the Rooftop: A Novel

Read: November 2022

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On the Rooftop: A Novel

by Margaret Wilkerson Sexton

On the Rooftop: A Novel by Margaret Wilkerson Sexton, is a stunning novel about a mother whose dream of musical stardom for her three daughters collides with the daughters’ ambitions for their own lives—set against the backdrop of gentrifying 1950s San Francisco. The first few pages moved glacially and then the story unfolded fully and became a page-turner that I highly recommend.

After hearing Ms. Sexton’s interview on Get Lit with All Of It, a monthly on-air, social media, in-person, and live-stream book club hosted by Alison Stewart of WNYC’s All Of It, I picked up the book. The novel had been on my to-read list.

The novel was loosely based on Fiddler on the Roof and it worked exceedingly well. Vivian is the overbearing mother and the daughters who have their own dreams and goals. With urban renewal, AKA Urban Renewal, as the backdrop, the novel was one that I could not put down.

The small section of the song that Esther writes so she can sing for her people, was a song I wish I could hear in its entirety. That Chole choose to sing it for final audition made it even more powerful.

You put words to the music inside my heart You showed me the world could be its own art I’d never felt myself so whole before I’d never known how much I could reach for.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

At home they are just sisters, but on stage, they are The Salvations. Ruth, Esther, and Chloe have been singing and dancing in harmony since they could speak. Thanks to the rigorous direction of their mother, Vivian, they’ve become a bona fide girl group whose shows are the talk of the Jazz-era Fillmore.

Now Vivian has scored a once-in-a-lifetime offer from a talent manager, who promises to catapult The Salvations into the national spotlight. Vivian knows this is the big break she’s been praying for. But sometime between the hours of rehearsal on their rooftop and the weekly gigs at the Champagne Supper Club, the girls have become women, women with dreams that their mother cannot imagine.

The neighborhood is changing, too: all around the Fillmore, white men in suits are approaching Black property owners with offers. One sister finds herself called to fight back, one falls into the comfort of an old relationship, and another yearns to make her voice heard. And Vivian, who has always maintained control, will have to confront the parts of her life that threaten to splinter: the community, The Salvations, and even her family.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Parable of the Talents

Read: January 2024

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Parable of the Talents

by Octavia E. Butler

This morning, I completed reading Octavia E. Butler‘s acclaimed post-apocalyptic novel, “Parable of the Sower.” I immediately started reading its sequel, “Parable of the Talents,” initially published in 1998. This second book is even more relevant today than it was back then. The novel’s timely message of hope and resistance in the face of fanaticism is shockingly prescient.

In 2032, Lauren Olamina survived the destruction of her home and family. She envisioned a peaceful community in Northern California, which she established based on her newly founded faith, Earthseed. This new settlement provides a haven for outcasts who face persecution following the election of an ultra-conservative president. The new president pledges to “make America great again,” but the country becomes increasingly divided and dangerous. Lauren’s subversive colony, a minority religious faction led by a young black woman, becomes a target for President Jarret’s oppressive regime characterized by terror and discrimination.

In the future, Asha Vere discovers the journals of her mother, Lauren Olamina, whom she never met. As she delves into her mother’s writings, she grapples with the conflict between Lauren’s responsibilities to her chosen family and her mission to guide humanity toward a brighter tomorrow.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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When She Woke

Read: August 2022

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When She Woke

by Hillary Jordan

When She Woke, a fable about a stigmatized woman struggling to navigate an America of a not-too-distant future by Hillary Jordan, Bellwether Prize WinnerHannah Payne, the protagonist, embarks on a path of self-discovery that forces her to question the values she once held and the righteousness of a country that politicizes faith. The premise of When She Woke seems to be happening as I read the novel. It is also the one hundred books I have read since the beginning of 2019 and the forty-fifth this year.

Hannah Payne, like Hester Prynne, is attacked for her actions by extreme religious beliefs. Instead of wearing a scarlet letter, Hannah’s chroming (i.e., having her skin altered) makes her skin red from head to toe. The chroming might have been a good theme for a science fiction novel. Still, Ms. Jordan has written a captivating book in which Hannah confronts who she is and, after questioning the values she once had, discovers that Hannah is more vital than she believed she could be.

I highly recommend this novel.

As Ms. Jordan describes the book,

Hannah Payne’s life has been devoted to church and family. But after she’s convicted of murder, she awakens to a nightmare: she finds herself lying on a table in a solitary confinement cell, her skin turned bright red. Cameras are broadcasting her every move to millions at home, for whom observing newly made “Chromes”—criminals whose skin color has been genetically altered to reflect their crime—is a sinister form of entertainment. Hannah is a Red, a murderess. The victim, says the state of Texas, was her unborn child, and she’s determined to protect the identity of the father, a public figure with whom she shared a fierce and forbidden love.

A powerful reimagining of The Scarlet Letter, When She Woke is a timely fable about a stigmatized woman struggling to navigate a dystopian America. In this not-too-distant future, the line between church and state has been eradicated and convicted felons are no longer imprisoned, but “chromed” and released back into the population to survive as best they can.

As she seeks a path to safety in an alien and hostile world, Hannah unknowingly embarks on a journey of self-discovery that forces her to question the values she once held true and the righteousness of a country that politicizes faith and love.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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